EPTI am just bored, and unmotivated. I just finished my 4th year of college and thought I was graduating but it turns out my school didn't exempt me from general education because I had the wrong associates that was from a SUNY school and not a CUNY, so they managed to piss away enough time trying to figure this out that I couldn't even register to finish it up this semester. Not that it would matter at all.
I remember reading pubbanana's blog found here and realizing I felt in the same boat. It can be summed up as not having a dream or a goal. I am just sitting in limbo wasting my life away bored to tears. Any passion I ever feel is usually momentarily and fails to ignite a more permanent fire. I kind of wanted to be a cop and then realized I couldn't do it because I would hate myself too much for having to do all the horrible things cops have to do simply because someone else decided it should be done. Either way cop was basically a back up plan in case nothing was going on in 2 years when I would of received a call from them.
Ironically I now kind of want to be a lawyer but I still lack that passion. I love the constitution and fine law very interesting but I can never just have that all consuming passion that drives me. The times when I realize how much I love law/criminology come when I am on adderall doing a paper in the field and realize how happy it makes me, but that's the thing. The only thing that ever makes me happy and truly motivated is when I am hopped up on adderall cramming down a 15 page paper I put off until the last minute.
I hate the idea of it. The only time I ever care about anything or feel truly happy is when I am on adderall and I finally have the passion that lasts longer then five minutes, but it only lasts until the effects wear off then its back to a world of bordom and apathy. I hate the idea that the only time I am happy is when I am using some half legal substance and that I even consider trying to get a prescription so I can feel that way all the time. But I have hated that idea ever since I was in high school. I used to take a lot of medicine for various things and hated the effects and the idea of not being myself. Finally when I was in high school I just stopped taking everything and felt awesome about it. I had a passion and a goal, which was loving video games. I loved everything about them. I had that passion try to do something with my life that allowed me to be with the games I loved and work with them all the time.
Then my senior year that desire disappeared and I stopped playing video games and caring about any of it in the slightest. I had friends, went out, and had a good time. Just like that my dream was gone and I never found a replacement for that passion, there is just some silly void. Now I find myself wanting to use pills/drugs to reclaim some sort of passion or dream, but then what? Use it forever until I die? Hope it ignites a passion for something that I can follow through on without it?
I dunno, I was just wondering if anyone ever felt similar or had any advice. Sometimes I just feel like quitting my shitty job and moving somewhere exotic just for a change of pace, but if that doesn't help then what?
Well thanks for reading, any advice or thoughts appreciated.
Sorry if there are errors. My firefox spell check isn't working atm and I am using a new keyboard. I didn't feel like proofing it.
