I always felt like I wanted to be one of the adults. I wanted to see their complex humour and their witty references. I wanted to understand their authority and power. My mother would comment on how patient and quiet I was - never admitting it was her unpredictable anger that set me that way for life. Perhaps it was that same strictness that pushed me into maturing so fast.
Back when I was a kid the older folks would say how I was wise and kind beyond my years. I never really wanted to make fart jokes, or to be mean to other kids. I seemed to understand empathy and decent behaviour. I was always trying to be mature. There was always something making me not take such a joke in humanity. Perhaps there was a bit of faux-intellectualism in my constant brooding, which was only reinforced by parents calling me "so thoughtful". All my friends' moms would be enthused with my intelligence and polite behaviour, and wished openly for their sons to be like me - much to my dismay and maybe later loss of company.
As the years in university go by, (taking Psych major, and a handful of philosophy and computer programming courses) the fact that I don't have a grasp on a career is scaring me more and more. I've been taking online career quizzes, talking to family and friends, reading up on official organizations (Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology, for example). This only leads me to desire a burnout lifestyle rather than a stable, long term one with a steady career. And what purpose do I really have anyways? I won't be passing down my genes, the world will keep spinning and all I can think of keeping me alive is my parents and sister. For some reason I'm allowing myself to be shackled to their emotions, how could I let them down by leaving the world? How could I sadden them so? Yet living a destitute and impoverished life might lead them to more misery.
Is it unheard of for someone to grow old and grizzled quicker than everyone else? I've always felt like an outlier for many reasons, but recently some health issues have come up that make it particularly hard to feel normal or happy. I'll be 22 in a month, and with the great range of temperatures brought by Fall my bones and joints are starting to give away. The other day I just about fell I remember when reading about psoriasis I noticed that many cases also involve arthritis - previously thought by me as an old man's disease. (Might be just an advertising scheme, but supposedly Phil Mickelson has psoriatic arthritis, so that sort of helps morale for some reason).
As well, never quite feel like I've caught my breath. My breathing is flemmy most of the time and I have to hold my nose open to breath properly. I tried running for maybe 20 seconds but that makes me cough to my knees and it feels like there's liquid trying to get out. When I don't take deep breaths every few minutes I get this weird "lazy" feeling in my head. Every few days or so there's this spiking pain in my chest around my lungs, followed by a shock of pain all throughout my body while my eyes lose focus. It's been happening for a couple years. I've gone to the doctor's and had breathing tests and x-rays done, nothing shows up. Every time I try to work out my wrists and ankles flare up, so I can't do much to exercise my lungs. I wonder, how can you tell if your brain is getting enough oxygen? My head feels sort of empty and hard and sluggish all the time, so I wonder if that has anything to do with the breathing.
What's more depressing is the fact that right now my parents are beginning to show their own signs of old age. My dad's foot has been flared up in pain for the past week or so, causing him to walk very slowly having to use a cane to get around. My mom's hip, which was once replaced by operation, has been hurting her as well. I never realized this, but my parents are 66 and 62...which makes the difference in age about 40 years. Their sedentary lifestyle isn't helping either, as my father is quite overweight.
I miss my father already, even though he's still with me. I feel like he's always been at work and when he's home he's working. I remember a few rare times when I was younger that I felt a bond with him. We didn't play sports like normal families. We played with Legos and Chess, and somehow, through just being there and being my friend, he taught me everything I needed to know. Sometimes I wonder if we could ever have that bond restored, however small it was, before it's too late. Before life passes us by. [i]Cats In The Cradle[/] reminds me of those times. Maybe another time I'll dwell more on the early years with my parents.
Sometimes I think...if only I could disappear with them convinced I was somewhere in China or something, where I couldn't communicate with them. But again, plans for escape are flawed as when my parents pass away my sister will be all alone. She has her friends, but we have a strangely intimate bond, and she and my parents aren't very strong in the emotional sense. In the end, I should merely live for my sister?
It's not like me to leave randomly, but the urge to do something in the world - the real, mortal world of some foreign continent - manifests every time I feel this hopelessness. I'd be working in some town, living a life where I don't think about depression, or anxiety, or apathy. I could adventure in the wild jungles and find out what it really is to live life. I'd be doing something real in the world, I could inspire foreign ideas, maybe even ignite someone's lost passion. Ah, those blue skies of some far off land on the other side...
Growing up and living in a place which imposes no demands on you is all good and fine for someone with their own aspirations, but in my case there's been a lack of vision since I sunk into depression several years ago. If I did go traveling someplace I'd just end up depressed again, with no motivation to go out everyday and do something... How can I beat this, or is it just a part of me permanently?
Sometimes I just want to let loose, do a lot of drugs and wind up on the other side of town some days later. You know, just do something really crazy like ecstasy or LSD, something that'll knock your brain right out so you won't think like you did before. When you're someone who's been repressed for so long, it's amazing looking back and discovering what you kept hidden from yourself. My mind cements in its patterns as the years go by. I might not get to the core of my problems before I finally burst. Or worse yet, I may wait too long to unfasten my cemented mind.
I know it's a regression to the immature, but I just don't want to go to back to school. I don't want to move back up to that small town with its crack dens and slums. Its yelling drunken lunatics in the middle of the night. Its insufferable cold. I don't want to be in a new house, a new room, with new room mates. I don't want to get old and broken. Fuck, I've wasted the past 10 years of my life, and it keeps going downhill. The most depressing part is that I'll probably just end up not doing anything about it and be perfectly content to watch my life degrade to a minimum wage job with no spare time living in a slum. Amazing how quickly you get old - it feels like yesterday I was a kid in high school just trying to get to the end of the year so I'd be free from responsibility. How ironic, now I want the time to move backwards.
I don't know what to do about all these problems anymore. I thought I'd have another 10 years until I'd have to worry about the physical signs of aging. I can keep listening to songs that help lullaby my woes but that only lasts so long. I don't know why people tell me to hang on either: I see no point in my future, I see no merit in my present, and I see only good times in the past. Seems like I'm always moving against the wind.
All these issues don't seem like the regular growing pains most people go through, they seem more like horrible circumstances that are interrupting the natural growth of a person. Sometimes it just feels like I can't hold out any longer, it's just unbearable trying to breathe, to exercise, to be sitting. My brain feels pretty messed up most of the time, I get these weird spurts of tension inside my head, my teeth clench and start to hurt. What control do I have over psoriasis, arthritis and depression?
From day to day life I get the feeling I'm being boring and whiny. Sometimes it seems like all I talk about is depressing issues, so I've stopped talking to anyone about my lethargy and apathy. Still, my actions feel unrequited, my feelings without the care of another. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. All I can depend on is the knowledge that I've been through adversity before and gotten out alive. I just need to get my feelings out. Maybe sharing the stories of your growing up will help.
In my 24 years on earth, I've learned one thing for sure: Life is random and chaotic. Trying to put things into a pattern will only temporarily solve the problem. Once you embrace the madness, it will stop feeling overwhelming.
It sounds like you have a good, stable family. Be very thankful for this.
Your situation will only change if you put forth the effort to change it. If you are unsatisfied, no one is going to stop what they are doing to help you out. If you lack motivation, try to find something that inspires you and chase it.
I remember seeing a street artist who wrote a thought provoking message on one of the many alleys in Melbourne. I can't remember it exactly (and I kick myself for not writing it down) but it went something like this:
"Without a national cause, sense of community or religion, what are you living for?"
Coming to such deep questions are very hard and can lead to some very powerful realisations. Having a purpose means a lot. I could talk about this kind of topic for hours but I'll just leave it here.
Greatly written. I sort of know what you're talking about... I've been diagnosed with severe depression and self-destructive tendencies, not quite the same as you but after reading I found that we have almost an identical mindset. Also I'm 5 years younger than you. Like ZaplinG mentioned, you seem to have a nice family. Hold on to that and try to remake that special bond with your father. Appreciate your family, it could be much worse without one.
Protip: stop hating on life. She doesn't care if you hate her or not, but it matters a whole lot to you. Once you stop doing that you'll feel much better. Do it one step at a time. First work on your health, then social life, then work on your career. But for gods sake stop being a whiney loser. Bla bla bla purpose bla bla bla.
Seriously, people who are 'mature for their age' either have shitty childhoods that force them to take up responsibilities most kids don't. Or they know what they want and they get serious about school and such at a young age. Or they are angsty teenagers who are just afraid to be young.
Being depressed is an activity. Stop doing it. It's a bad habit.
Just go to Korea and teach English. Make money, travel, go to nice places. Just to show yourself how fun life can be. Just get out of wherever you are and stop being so fucking afraid of living.
If you really are the person in your post you would not have posted that. You know its true. What you need is someone to kick your butt and tell you to stop being lame.
Really, you are 21. What do you know about life? Nothing. Now that is not a problem. I'm 22 and I don't know nothing either. But it seems to me that you've drawn you conclusions on yourself and your life unaware of the fact that you know nothing yet.
Get the fuck out of wherever you are and broaden your fucking scope. Please
when i graduated from high school i had no purpose, i had flunked year 12 and was in a band i thought was gonna kick ass. we spent several years together playing shows and recording. i'd known these other guys for the majority of my life and we were all very close.
after school ended, i decided to have a gap year and work as a trainee for a little cash. it was dead-end job and i wasted an entire year earning $9 dollars an hour sitting at a desk literally doing nothing. government jobs.
i decided then to go to university. i studied and for a semester got decent grades. i met a girl and we broke up. essentially this is where the story starts.
i fell into a deep depression, my band split up and i had no job. i started failing classes and not attending and became obsessed with this girl. there were day, nights and weeks at a time where i would feel physically impacted by this depression. my skull would hurt and i was always tired but couldnt sleep. bit by bit i felt madder and madder. i ended up getting back with the girl and it only spiralled downwards. several times i felt like suicide.
I realise that it is incredibly hard to deal with depression, and the next 2 years of my life i spent fucking around doing absolutely nothing. i dropped out of university and found another girlfriend only to be cheated on. my life felt like a fucking joke, the band left, my family lived 2 hours away, i could hardly pay rent.
i scored another dead-shit job with the government, this time at $20 an hour. once again working with 40year old woman who had given up on their depressing lives. i thought i was happy, i started drinking alot with my few friends and started dating a cute girl. i even picked up the gym and noticed a massive increase in my self esteem.
summer in newcastle was great, i was sort of happy again. then i freaked out, apparently all the other break ups and deep depression i had left me with some funny issues. i read a few messages on this girls phone and thought she was cheating on me.
i ended up deciding to fix my life, and set some goals. i decided to move to Melbourne. some 12 hours away. i ditched my friends, my job and almost everyone up there. from the time i read the messages to the time i landed in melbourne it was about 3 weeks. i landed with $2k and a friends lounge to sleep on. no job prospects but just a determination to have the life that i wanted.
im 21, and i've never been happier. I look back at all the fuck up from the last few years. all the ridiculous feelings and situations i've put myself in or have been put in by other people. All of those cheesy motivational quotes that lame people write feel real. honestly, the riskiest thing i've ever done moving half a country away was the best thing i could ever do. i scored a $35 an hour job and im considering university again.
my advice is only a few points, and theyre all fairly standard. but you would be surprised.
1. exercise atleast once every two days, be it cardio or weight training. do it in the mornings before anything else. you start the day like a king, and it helps with your sleep patterns.
2. make sure you get enough sleep. sleep lets your body deal with any dumb shit that other people cause.
3. work! honestly, even a shit job will give you purpose. whether money is the drive or it shows you what you DONT want to be doing. both of these are a good character building and it you can spend your cash on new things you've never done.
4. dont drink on weeknights. fairly self explanatory.
5. dont binge drink unless you are 100% healthy of mind.
6. save up some cash and get the fuck out of dodge. you're young and have spent so long already saying what cant be done. fuck that! write down 10 things you want to do this year, make them crazy. make one of these things moving somewhere.
7. BE SELFISH. I spent 6-8months of my life in emergency mode after a deep depression and essentially decided that i was going to do whatever the fuck i wanted (within reason). Essentially the reason behind this was because i had spent so long under my ex girlfriends thumbs i ended up becoming a wimp, a total emotional and physically bitch. i look back at that guy and laugh. but the trick was a) gym and b) being super selfish and only doing things that would be positive for me. this meant sticking to all of the rules i set in motion eg. the ones above. and if my friends tried to peer pressure me, i'd just be super rude.
just take life by the balls. in a year or two, you'll look back at your depression and lack of drive and be super grateful for it, because what greater motivation then unhappiness?
The greatest things i've done this last few years have been the result of hard work, ridiculous (selfish?) decision making and essentially the drive to never get as low as i was.
Been there, done that man. I did basically the same thing, already went through it. Now I'm 32, married, with 1 daughter and a boy on the way. I have never felt this way in my life, but that's definitely not to say the same path will lead you to happiness. I never made any hasty choices, and found enjoyment in things that I liked to do: Starcraft, Street Fighter, Basketball, Football, family, etc.
Basically since you seem to be a smart dude you will figure it out. Remember, no hasty choices, and keep your family in the foremost of your mind; they are the only permanent thing in your life, whether you realize it now or later. I would say that a certain degree of selfishness is warranted; true happiness comes from intrinsic motivation, not from motivation acquired from external sources, but make sure you become someone that is sensitive, open, and strong (a very endangered specimen).
Little note: in J.R.R. Tolkien's Silmarillion, elves sailed over the sea at the end of their lives, or if they were killed, their souls dwelt in the halls of Mandos, but still in contact with other elves of Middle Earth. Men died too, but in a different way, and no elf or valar knew what became of them once their souls left their bodies; it was a mystery. Our lives are journeys as well as our deaths, but our mortality is a rich inheritance that makes all our life experiences that much richer, be them joyous or sorrowful. Growing pains will agonize, but there are other things at the end of those pains that make it worth while. The only caveat is that you are not allowed to guess at what they could be, but why would you? How good is a surprise if you know it's coming?
hey, hope i'm not being really irresponsible for this post. also have to stress that the previous posts have been really good - it should be some relief to know that you aren't alone in your situation and that it's 100% possible to become happier. or just even airing your woes.
ok well here goes. have you tried medicinal marijuana? for your physical pains, it can help with psoriasis and arthritis. as for your repression and drab worldview, anecdotal testimony (from me) says that it is incredible for improving your mood. studies suggest that it can decrease the chance of suicide in our demographic, reduce anxiety, and may help with depression. it makes me love doing pushups and stretching, things i would never consider doing sober.
i'm not saying weed is the fix-all, you still need to actively seek to get your shit together incrementally. i was just alarmed by your "knocking your brain out" with lsd/mdma sentence. clearly i'm not you and i don't know your circumstances. just wanted to offer a safer alternative though!
you should always be really careful with psychoactive substances and know the risks. for example, weed can exacerbate certain mental disorders in those genetically predisposed. some people find deep relaxation when high while others are enveloped in anxiety and paranoia. there is literature that disagrees with the outcome of the studies i linked too.
the same substance can have very different effect on different people. you must do your own research but it's something that in my specific case has improved my quality of life tremendously.
On September 04 2012 18:57 Tommie wrote: Protip: stop hating on life. She doesn't care if you hate her or not, but it matters a whole lot to you. Once you stop doing that you'll feel much better. Do it one step at a time. First work on your health, then social life, then work on your career. But for gods sake stop being a whiney loser. Bla bla bla purpose bla bla bla.
Seriously, people who are 'mature for their age' either have shitty childhoods that force them to take up responsibilities most kids don't. Or they know what they want and they get serious about school and such at a young age. Or they are angsty teenagers who are just afraid to be young.
Being depressed is an activity. Stop doing it. It's a bad habit.
Just go to Korea and teach English. Make money, travel, go to nice places. Just to show yourself how fun life can be. Just get out of wherever you are and stop being so fucking afraid of living.
If you really are the person in your post you would not have posted that. You know its true. What you need is someone to kick your butt and tell you to stop being lame.
Really, you are 21. What do you know about life? Nothing. Now that is not a problem. I'm 22 and I don't know nothing either. But it seems to me that you've drawn you conclusions on yourself and your life unaware of the fact that you know nothing yet.
Get the fuck out of wherever you are and broaden your fucking scope. Please
Um what? You just seem to be hating on everything in his post. Being depressed is not an activity. More often then not it's actually a chemical imbalance in your brain or a recurring subconscious thought. Definitely not something you can just "stop doing." I have major depressive disorder along with bipolar and just reading your post makes me think how close minded you are. While in the military the therapists there tried to tell me the same shit you're telling him. "Just go out and be happy. Force yourself to be happy. See the world in a better light." Unfortunately it's not that easy. You can't force yourself to look at things through a positive perspective all the time. And even if you manage it for any period of time it'll soon be replaced in the first place. It's much harder to be apathetic to emotions and events if you're dealing with depression. People mature faster for many many many reasons. Also, age is just a number. Because you're only 21 doesn't mean you don't know shit. Wisdom comes with experience and while that generally comes with age some people experience a lot more than others at a younger age.
On September 04 2012 18:57 Tommie wrote: Protip: stop hating on life. She doesn't care if you hate her or not, but it matters a whole lot to you. Once you stop doing that you'll feel much better. Do it one step at a time. First work on your health, then social life, then work on your career. But for gods sake stop being a whiney loser. Bla bla bla purpose bla bla bla.
Seriously, people who are 'mature for their age' either have shitty childhoods that force them to take up responsibilities most kids don't. Or they know what they want and they get serious about school and such at a young age. Or they are angsty teenagers who are just afraid to be young.
Being depressed is an activity. Stop doing it. It's a bad habit.
Just go to Korea and teach English. Make money, travel, go to nice places. Just to show yourself how fun life can be. Just get out of wherever you are and stop being so fucking afraid of living.
If you really are the person in your post you would not have posted that. You know its true. What you need is someone to kick your butt and tell you to stop being lame.
Really, you are 21. What do you know about life? Nothing. Now that is not a problem. I'm 22 and I don't know nothing either. But it seems to me that you've drawn you conclusions on yourself and your life unaware of the fact that you know nothing yet.
Get the fuck out of wherever you are and broaden your fucking scope. Please
Um what? You just seem to be hating on everything in his post. Being depressed is not an activity. More often then not it's actually a chemical imbalance in your brain or a recurring subconscious thought. Definitely not something you can just "stop doing." I have major depressive disorder along with bipolar and just reading your post makes me think how close minded you are. While in the military the therapists there tried to tell me the same shit you're telling him. "Just go out and be happy. Force yourself to be happy. See the world in a better light." Unfortunately it's not that easy. You can't force yourself to look at things through a positive perspective all the time. And even if you manage it for any period of time it'll soon be replaced in the first place. It's much harder to be apathetic to emotions and events if you're dealing with depression. People mature faster for many many many reasons. Also, age is just a number. Because you're only 21 doesn't mean you don't know shit. Wisdom comes with experience and while that generally comes with age some people experience a lot more than others at a younger age.
I can relate to the op on almost everything, down to the T, the major difference probably is that my physical pain is seemingly much more mild than his and not always present, anyways, I completely agree with what you said, it's incredibly hard to focus on the positive aspects of things, it's something I have to try to do on a hour to hour basis as long as I am not taking refuge in pleasure (mostly games) and it's just so hard to always "remember" to do it all the time and then again, it doesn't always work..
On September 04 2012 15:09 Roe wrote: Back when I was a kid the older folks would say how I was wise and kind beyond my years. I never really wanted to make fart jokes, or to be mean to other kids. I seemed to understand empathy and decent behaviour. I was always trying to be mature. There was always something making me not take such a joke in humanity. Perhaps there was a bit of faux-intellectualism in my constant brooding, which was only reinforced by parents calling me "so thoughtful". All my friends' moms would be enthused with my intelligence and polite behaviour, and wished openly for their sons to be like me - much to my dismay and maybe later loss of company.
You just sound shy to me. Don't let the rose tinted glass change your perception of the slope too much. When I'm looking down from the top of a rollercoaster it always looks like a vertical drop.
As the years in university go by, (taking Psych major, and a handful of philosophy and computer programming courses) the fact that I don't have a grasp on a career is scaring me more and more. This only leads me to desire a burnout lifestyle rather than a stable, long term one with a steady career. And what purpose do I really have anyways? I won't be passing down my genes, the world will keep spinning and all I can think of keeping me alive is my parents and sister. For some reason I'm allowing myself to be shackled to their emotions, how could I let them down by leaving the world? How could I sadden them so? Yet living a destitute and impoverished life might lead them to more misery.
I think getting the first job is a good start. You seem to desire a family. I'm not old enough myself to know what lies ahead of me, but I just have hope that I'll find someone. I think you should have that hope too. I also don't have a job, but I feel more confident due to 2 internships now that I have a good chance of getting one after graduation. This feeling may pass. I'm a pretty bad student. :-/
Aside from my parents also showing some signs of aging, they're pretty healthy. And I just sleep a lot. I can't really complain like you can about that.
Growing up and living in a place which imposes no demands on you is all good and fine for someone with their own aspirations, but in my case there's been a lack of vision since I sunk into depression several years ago. If I did go traveling someplace I'd just end up depressed again, with no motivation to go out everyday and do something... How can I beat this, or is it just a part of me permanently?
Sometimes I just want to let loose, do a lot of drugs and wind up on the other side of town some days later. You know, just do something really crazy like ecstasy or LSD, something that'll knock your brain right out so you won't think like you did before. When you're someone who's been repressed for so long, it's amazing looking back and discovering what you kept hidden from yourself. My mind cements in its patterns as the years go by. I might not get to the core of my problems before I finally burst. Or worse yet, I may wait too long to unfasten my cemented mind.
I doubt I know what depression is. As long as you know not to do those drugs for the obvious reason that things can always get worse...
I know it's a regression to the immature, but I just don't want to go to back to school. I don't want to move back up to that small town with its crack dens and slums. Its yelling drunken lunatics in the middle of the night. Its insufferable cold. I don't want to be in a new house, a new room, with new room mates. I don't want to get old and broken. Fuck, I've wasted the past 10 years of my life, and it keeps going downhill. The most depressing part is that I'll probably just end up not doing anything about it and be perfectly content to watch my life degrade to a minimum wage job with no spare time living in a slum. Amazing how quickly you get old - it feels like yesterday I was a kid in high school just trying to get to the end of the year so I'd be free from responsibility. How ironic, now I want the time to move backwards.
I sometimes think life's only been moving downhill, then I think of my life as a kid, and whether I was really happier then. My parents used to fight every day when I was young. They often threatened to divorce, and though they never did I was always afraid of what my life would turn into if it did. I constantly got spanked and yelled at when I was young and the yellings never fully stopped. Even in high school I didn't do my assignments, I cheated once in Sophomore year and several times in Senior Year and only got decent grades due to grade inflation and the relatively low competition levels.
From day to day life I get the feeling I'm being boring and whiny. Sometimes it seems like all I talk about is depressing issues, so I've stopped talking to anyone about my lethargy and apathy. Still, my actions feel unrequited, my feelings without the care of another. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. All I can depend on is the knowledge that I've been through adversity before and gotten out alive. I just need to get my feelings out. Maybe sharing the stories of your growing up will help.
I feel the same about not talking to people about my lethargy. It's horrible. You want to talk about it, you want someone to stop you, but you're afraid that they'll know and will judge you and you're afraid that you'll burden them and that they won't care or that they can't help. But man is not an island. And often the only way to get better is to seek help.
Have you considered a change in nutrition? I feel like your health problems could be alleviated by having a healthier diet. Although you are a student, spending the time and planning on what you eat can play a major role in getting you back into a healthy state. Just keep working through your problems even though it is tough and if you still feel this way, there's no shame in receiving help from a professional if you really need it.
On September 04 2012 21:16 O.Golden_ne wrote: im 21, and i've never been happier. I look back at all the fuck up from the last few years. all the ridiculous feelings and situations i've put myself in or have been put in by other people. All of those cheesy motivational quotes that lame people write feel real. honestly, the riskiest thing i've ever done moving half a country away was the best thing i could ever do. i scored a $35 an hour job and im considering university again.
I'd really like to know what kind of entry-level job pays $35/hr?
So I had some problems with severe depression and feeling repressed. I was also the really polite kid that other parents loved just like you described. I am now 23 and the past five years were difficult but very helpful.
I don't have the physical problems you do besides a bitchy hip that cut my track and cross-country career short.
Someone else mentioned that life is chaotic and that you need to accept this. I totally agree. Trying to find patterns and meaning will drive you insane.
I'll tell you what helped me. 1. Medication. I'm now on three prescription medications. These have probably saved my life literally and figuratively. Therapy did not work for me because psychologists are a bunch of arrogant, lying, manipulating assholes. But medication kicks ass. 2. Saying fuck you to the moral, religious, and societal restrictions I put on myself. This was very difficult and took several years. But I no longer feel like the repressed kid I did before. Fortunately, I am a nice person. So I am still a moral person, but that is because that's how I want to be, not because I feel obligated to be that way. Be and do whatever the fuck you want. Literally say "fuck you" to someone and mean it in a nasty way. Get in touch with the anger you feel and let it out.
Finally, as far as finding meaning in life . . . This is probably the hardest thing for anyone to do. I used to be a self-motivated overachiever, but depression changed that. Now, I am getting a handle on my depression. Yet I was still trying to find something to do with my life that would be fulfilling and I just couldn't. Then, recently, I decided I want to try to make $10 million. It's a totally selfish goal, but I don't give a fuck. Maybe it won't happen, but I'm going to try, and suddenly I feel motivated to do shit. For me, making $10 million means that then I don't have to work and can do whatever the fuck I want and give money to my family and whoever I want to. That motivates me. Like I said, it's selfish, but I finally decided that I don't care, and I feel great.
So, I suggest you see a psychiatrist and look into medication. Also, try to get in touch with any repressed anger or negative emotions you feel and let them out. Finally, be really selfish and think about what you want and then get it.
I'm going through something similar at the moment, and I think (hope) I'm coming out of it. I've had almost the same thoughts as you have had regarding escaping, quitting, etc. Somehow, today I've had a series of small victories. Extremely tiny victories as in making a phone call or getting an errand done. I don't think I'll be able to pull myself out of this with some drastic change in my life. I believe that it's these tiny victories that will help me come through at the end of the day. I hope you can find your share of tiny victories to guide you through this too! We're all here and rooting for you!
On September 04 2012 18:57 Tommie wrote: Protip: stop hating on life. She doesn't care if you hate her or not, but it matters a whole lot to you. Once you stop doing that you'll feel much better. Do it one step at a time. First work on your health, then social life, then work on your career. But for gods sake stop being a whiney loser. Bla bla bla purpose bla bla bla.
Seriously, people who are 'mature for their age' either have shitty childhoods that force them to take up responsibilities most kids don't. Or they know what they want and they get serious about school and such at a young age. Or they are angsty teenagers who are just afraid to be young.
Being depressed is an activity. Stop doing it. It's a bad habit.
Just go to Korea and teach English. Make money, travel, go to nice places. Just to show yourself how fun life can be. Just get out of wherever you are and stop being so fucking afraid of living.
If you really are the person in your post you would not have posted that. You know its true. What you need is someone to kick your butt and tell you to stop being lame.
Really, you are 21. What do you know about life? Nothing. Now that is not a problem. I'm 22 and I don't know nothing either. But it seems to me that you've drawn you conclusions on yourself and your life unaware of the fact that you know nothing yet.
Get the fuck out of wherever you are and broaden your fucking scope. Please
Um what? You just seem to be hating on everything in his post. Being depressed is not an activity. More often then not it's actually a chemical imbalance in your brain or a recurring subconscious thought. Definitely not something you can just "stop doing." I have major depressive disorder along with bipolar and just reading your post makes me think how close minded you are. While in the military the therapists there tried to tell me the same shit you're telling him. "Just go out and be happy. Force yourself to be happy. See the world in a better light." Unfortunately it's not that easy. You can't force yourself to look at things through a positive perspective all the time. And even if you manage it for any period of time it'll soon be replaced in the first place. It's much harder to be apathetic to emotions and events if you're dealing with depression. People mature faster for many many many reasons. Also, age is just a number. Because you're only 21 doesn't mean you don't know shit. Wisdom comes with experience and while that generally comes with age some people experience a lot more than others at a younger age.
I'm not hating on everything. I'm not even trying to say things that are 'true'. Quite the opposite. I'm trying to tell him something he could use.
I'm saying:" if you are 21 you dont know shit", not because I think it's true or whatever, because I think it is good for someone who is depressed and seems to have a narrow and fixed oulook on life to read that. Reread my post in that light please.
A lot of people have posted in this thread and have much better posts than I could hope to write. While I can't exactly empathize to the same extent, I do sympathize with you. We all have downer moments. Some of us just take longer to pull out of the haze.
You said you didn't want people to tell you to cheer up, but I'm going to tell you to do that. Please take into consideration the posts already written.
On September 04 2012 21:16 O.Golden_ne wrote: Roe,
when i graduated from high school i had no purpose, i had flunked year 12 and was in a band i thought was gonna kick ass. we spent several years together playing shows and recording. i'd known these other guys for the majority of my life and we were all very close.
after school ended, i decided to have a gap year and work as a trainee for a little cash. it was dead-end job and i wasted an entire year earning $9 dollars an hour sitting at a desk literally doing nothing. government jobs.
i decided then to go to university. i studied and for a semester got decent grades. i met a girl and we broke up. essentially this is where the story starts.
i fell into a deep depression, my band split up and i had no job. i started failing classes and not attending and became obsessed with this girl. there were day, nights and weeks at a time where i would feel physically impacted by this depression. my skull would hurt and i was always tired but couldnt sleep. bit by bit i felt madder and madder. i ended up getting back with the girl and it only spiralled downwards. several times i felt like suicide.
I realise that it is incredibly hard to deal with depression, and the next 2 years of my life i spent fucking around doing absolutely nothing. i dropped out of university and found another girlfriend only to be cheated on. my life felt like a fucking joke, the band left, my family lived 2 hours away, i could hardly pay rent.
i scored another dead-shit job with the government, this time at $20 an hour. once again working with 40year old woman who had given up on their depressing lives. i thought i was happy, i started drinking alot with my few friends and started dating a cute girl. i even picked up the gym and noticed a massive increase in my self esteem.
summer in newcastle was great, i was sort of happy again. then i freaked out, apparently all the other break ups and deep depression i had left me with some funny issues. i read a few messages on this girls phone and thought she was cheating on me.
i ended up deciding to fix my life, and set some goals. i decided to move to Melbourne. some 12 hours away. i ditched my friends, my job and almost everyone up there. from the time i read the messages to the time i landed in melbourne it was about 3 weeks. i landed with $2k and a friends lounge to sleep on. no job prospects but just a determination to have the life that i wanted.
im 21, and i've never been happier. I look back at all the fuck up from the last few years. all the ridiculous feelings and situations i've put myself in or have been put in by other people. All of those cheesy motivational quotes that lame people write feel real. honestly, the riskiest thing i've ever done moving half a country away was the best thing i could ever do. i scored a $35 an hour job and im considering university again.
my advice is only a few points, and theyre all fairly standard. but you would be surprised.
1. exercise atleast once every two days, be it cardio or weight training. do it in the mornings before anything else. you start the day like a king, and it helps with your sleep patterns.
2. make sure you get enough sleep. sleep lets your body deal with any dumb shit that other people cause.
3. work! honestly, even a shit job will give you purpose. whether money is the drive or it shows you what you DONT want to be doing. both of these are a good character building and it you can spend your cash on new things you've never done.
4. dont drink on weeknights. fairly self explanatory.
5. dont binge drink unless you are 100% healthy of mind.
6. save up some cash and get the fuck out of dodge. you're young and have spent so long already saying what cant be done. fuck that! write down 10 things you want to do this year, make them crazy. make one of these things moving somewhere.
7. BE SELFISH. I spent 6-8months of my life in emergency mode after a deep depression and essentially decided that i was going to do whatever the fuck i wanted (within reason). Essentially the reason behind this was because i had spent so long under my ex girlfriends thumbs i ended up becoming a wimp, a total emotional and physically bitch. i look back at that guy and laugh. but the trick was a) gym and b) being super selfish and only doing things that would be positive for me. this meant sticking to all of the rules i set in motion eg. the ones above. and if my friends tried to peer pressure me, i'd just be super rude.
just take life by the balls. in a year or two, you'll look back at your depression and lack of drive and be super grateful for it, because what greater motivation then unhappiness?
The greatest things i've done this last few years have been the result of hard work, ridiculous (selfish?) decision making and essentially the drive to never get as low as i was.
I'm currently 28, unemployed without any diploma, living illegally in a country where I don't know many people. I have very few friends and I've got dumped by my girlfriend which was sort of my anchor in this world after 5 years of relationship. I smoke too much and I feel like no one will truly understand me. Most persons I talk to, tend to remind me that my life is miserable... And yet; I'm feeling good.
I don't care what people think about me anymore, how they value me. I'm not here to live according to their standard, the same way they shouldn't live according to mine. Every time my life gets messy an pathetic, I smile because I know that I'm not expecting anything good in the future, and yet I keep on getting suprised by me, by life itself and by people surrounding me. I see life as being like waves or a bouncing ball. Everytime I'm falling and I'm close to the ground, I'll know that I'll bounce. Becase that what's keeping happening.
The real question is what is sadness ? In my opinion and experience, it's a healthy feeling that comes when your life doesn't go the way you would have liked to. Instead of enjoying pleasure, you start doubting. A healthy doubt, a healthy sadness, this is the only thing that'll make you do different things that you used to do. It's your mind and body telling you to bring change to your situation. We never do what we want to do, we just do what we do. We give ourself reasons afterward to explain our behaviour. To make us believe that we aren't a stranger to ourself.
I've been through multiple job information centers and also passed some tests to know what would be my purpose in life. All this phony stuff to make me believe I should have a purpose and that purpose should be a job. The fact is I don't have such a purpose and I don't think anyone does. Some believe they do, but in the end we'll all gonna die in less than 100 years. Everything I could do wouldn't matter at all when looked objectively. Life as been wandering on earth for more than 500 million years and nobody knows how it'll be in another million of years. We're just occupying some space and time, but on the scale of the universe we are as insignifcant as a piece fo paper in a trash basket... I could die right now, there would be no effect in the course of history.
As you can realise, real objectivity won't bring you any answers or comfort, so stay subjective. Stay close to yourself, listen to your feelings, just do what you do.
You're a beautifull and amazing being and I hope you'll have the chance to get a glimpse of this. You don't know what the future will bring you, no one does, so if your life isn't enjoyable right now, I'm pretty sure it'll get later.
I've been through horrible moments in my life and there will be more. So eventhough my situation right know isn't what I ever wanted it to be, it's part of the journey, my journey, I'm a hero. Only through my eyes apparently, but that's way enough for me. We must love ourself for what we are. If you saw someone getting the exact same troubles as you had, you'll find him sympathic. Do that for yourself, right now. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry and laugh and luckily you have 2 shoulders close to your head and they won't go away. Trust yourself, How had been life previously ? I'm sure you've been through lots of shit moments and yet you always rised like a true boss.
It's good that there is some dramas in your life. All good stories need some.
I think recording something on Vinyl and uploading it onto YouTube is a pretty redundant practice lol.\
Anyway, let me get on with my actual response.
I think you've replied and read some of my blogs before. Toiling in mediocrity, and struggling with the gift of life is a constant theme. I can empathize with you when you say that you feel there's no point in the future, there's no point in struggling in the present, and yearning for the past
What I have felt is slightly different from you I guess. It's hard for me to say it with my own words, so allow my favourite composer, Tchaikovsky, to say it for me, "To regret the past, to hope in the future, and never to be satisfied with the present: that is what I spend my whole life doing." I've constantly been plagued with thoughts of suicide and the likes of it. Maybe you like to refer to such experiences as depression. I however, don't. I accept it as part of life. I think suicide makes sense as long as the person is not completely mentally ill. Some people say depression is a form of mental illness, and maybe I don't have the experience or knowledge to say that it's not, but I have been quite upset with living for a period of time.
Think about it.
Think about jumping off a tall building. Maybe you'll feel an intense pain just as you hit the ground for a fraction of a second. But that's all it'll ever be. A fraction of a second. What comes afterwards? Does it even matter? You won't even be around to comprehend the void. Oh! But the guilt! My parents will be so upset! My loving sister, she'll cry her eyes out! Yes, it feels bad. But I have come to associate this tinge of guilt to be an "after-death" experience, and what does that mean? Nothing. It means that you won't be around the feel this guilt.
But then again, there's always the concept of in-the-moment guilt. I don't know about you, but I didn't care about it because the guilt wouldn't last long.
So despite the possible logical inconsistencies or flaws in my reasoning for suicide, it makes perfect sense to me, and that's all that matters when I'm talking about my experience because it is my reasoning that I will be acting upon should I decide to jump.
So why didn't I do it?
Hope! Hope is the dream of a waking man, as Aristotle has so eloquently put it. Hope! Just kidding. Hoping that things will always get better is quite stupid to me. Voltaire has said that Optimism is the mania for insisting that all is well when all is by no means well, and I fully agree with him.
What is keeping me moving is the very thing I had a distaste for in the beginning. Life! I wish to experience it however way I best see fit. I want to smell fresh bread! I want to hold hands with a girl I love! I want to sit in a nice grassy field, underneath a willow tree! I want to listen to music, no, I want to feel music! I want to sit in a concert hall, watch an orchestra play Beethoven's 9th, and a choir sing the Ode to Joy! I want to play more StarCraft, to feel the rage! I want to browse Reddit and chuckle! I want to read, I want to learn, I want to expand my mind, I want to reason!
I WANT TO EXPERIENCE LIFE!
I'll end off with a quote from Gottfried Leibniz, I'm reciting this off the top of my head. " The ills of the world are but shadows in a beautiful painting. But it is the shadows that bring out the colours. "
I think recording something on Vinyl and uploading it onto YouTube is a pretty redundant practice lol.\
Anyway, let me get on with my actual response.
I think you've replied and read some of my blogs before. Toiling in mediocrity, and struggling with the gift of life is a constant theme. I can empathize with you when you say that you feel there's no point in the future, there's no point in struggling in the present, and yearning for the past
What I have felt is slightly different from you I guess. It's hard for me to say it with my own words, so allow my favourite composer, Tchaikovsky, to say it for me, "To regret the past, to hope in the future, and never to be satisfied with the present: that is what I spend my whole life doing." I've constantly been plagued with thoughts of suicide and the likes of it. Maybe you like to refer to such experiences as depression. I however, don't. I accept it as part of life. I think suicide makes sense as long as the person is not completely mentally ill. Some people say depression is a form of mental illness, and maybe I don't have the experience or knowledge to say that it's not, but I have been quite upset with living for a period of time.
Think about it.
Think about jumping off a tall building. Maybe you'll feel an intense pain just as you hit the ground for a fraction of a second. But that's all it'll ever be. A fraction of a second. What comes afterwards? Does it even matter? You won't even be around to comprehend the void. Oh! But the guilt! My parents will be so upset! My loving sister, she'll cry her eyes out! Yes, it feels bad. But I have come to associate this tinge of guilt to be an "after-death" experience, and what does that mean? Nothing. It means that you won't be around the feel this guilt.
But then again, there's always the concept of in-the-moment guilt. I don't know about you, but I didn't care about it because the guilt wouldn't last long.
So despite the possible logical inconsistencies or flaws in my reasoning for suicide, it makes perfect sense to me, and that's all that matters when I'm talking about my experience because it is my reasoning that I will be acting upon should I decide to jump.
So why didn't I do it?
Hope! Hope is the dream of a waking man, as Aristotle has so eloquently put it. Hope! Just kidding. Hoping that things will always get better is quite stupid to me. Voltaire has said that Optimism is the mania for insisting that all is well when all is by no means well, and I fully agree with him.
What is keeping me moving is the very thing I had a distaste for in the beginning. Life! I wish to experience it however way I best see fit. I want to smell fresh bread! I want to hold hands with a girl I love! I want to sit in a nice grassy field, underneath a willow tree! I want to listen to music, no, I want to feel music! I want to sit in a concert hall, watch an orchestra play Beethoven's 9th, and a choir sing the Ode to Joy! I want to play more StarCraft, to feel the rage! I want to browse Reddit and chuckle! I want to read, I want to learn, I want to expand my mind, I want to reason!
I WANT TO EXPERIENCE LIFE!
I'll end off with a quote from Gottfried Leibniz, I'm reciting this off the top of my head. " The ills of the world are but shadows in a beautiful painting. But it is the shadows that bring out the colours. "
I susually don't like when people use quotes, but this one is brilliant
I always felt like I wanted to be one of the adults. I wanted to see their complex humour and their witty references. I wanted to understand their authority and power. My mother would comment on how patient and quiet I was - never admitting it was her unpredictable anger that set me that way for life. Perhaps it was that same strictness that pushed me into maturing so fast.
Back when I was a kid the older folks would say how I was wise and kind beyond my years. I never really wanted to make fart jokes, or to be mean to other kids. I seemed to understand empathy and decent behaviour. I was always trying to be mature. There was always something making me not take such a joke in humanity. Perhaps there was a bit of faux-intellectualism in my constant brooding, which was only reinforced by parents calling me "so thoughtful". All my friends' moms would be enthused with my intelligence and polite behaviour, and wished openly for their sons to be like me - much to my dismay and maybe later loss of company.
As the years in university go by, (taking Psych major, and a handful of philosophy and computer programming courses) the fact that I don't have a grasp on a career is scaring me more and more. I've been taking online career quizzes, talking to family and friends, reading up on official organizations (Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology, for example). This only leads me to desire a burnout lifestyle rather than a stable, long term one with a steady career. And what purpose do I really have anyways? I won't be passing down my genes, the world will keep spinning and all I can think of keeping me alive is my parents and sister. For some reason I'm allowing myself to be shackled to their emotions, how could I let them down by leaving the world? How could I sadden them so? Yet living a destitute and impoverished life might lead them to more misery.
Is it unheard of for someone to grow old and grizzled quicker than everyone else? I've always felt like an outlier for many reasons, but recently some health issues have come up that make it particularly hard to feel normal or happy. I'll be 22 in a month, and with the great range of temperatures brought by Fall my bones and joints are starting to give away. The other day I just about fell I remember when reading about psoriasis I noticed that many cases also involve arthritis - previously thought by me as an old man's disease. (Might be just an advertising scheme, but supposedly Phil Mickelson has psoriatic arthritis, so that sort of helps morale for some reason).
As well, never quite feel like I've caught my breath. My breathing is flemmy most of the time and I have to hold my nose open to breath properly. I tried running for maybe 20 seconds but that makes me cough to my knees and it feels like there's liquid trying to get out. When I don't take deep breaths every few minutes I get this weird "lazy" feeling in my head. Every few days or so there's this spiking pain in my chest around my lungs, followed by a shock of pain all throughout my body while my eyes lose focus. It's been happening for a couple years. I've gone to the doctor's and had breathing tests and x-rays done, nothing shows up. Every time I try to work out my wrists and ankles flare up, so I can't do much to exercise my lungs. I wonder, how can you tell if your brain is getting enough oxygen? My head feels sort of empty and hard and sluggish all the time, so I wonder if that has anything to do with the breathing.
What's more depressing is the fact that right now my parents are beginning to show their own signs of old age. My dad's foot has been flared up in pain for the past week or so, causing him to walk very slowly having to use a cane to get around. My mom's hip, which was once replaced by operation, has been hurting her as well. I never realized this, but my parents are 66 and 62...which makes the difference in age about 40 years. Their sedentary lifestyle isn't helping either, as my father is quite overweight.
I miss my father already, even though he's still with me. I feel like he's always been at work and when he's home he's working. I remember a few rare times when I was younger that I felt a bond with him. We didn't play sports like normal families. We played with Legos and Chess, and somehow, through just being there and being my friend, he taught me everything I needed to know. Sometimes I wonder if we could ever have that bond restored, however small it was, before it's too late. Before life passes us by. [i]Cats In The Cradle[/] reminds me of those times. Maybe another time I'll dwell more on the early years with my parents.
Sometimes I think...if only I could disappear with them convinced I was somewhere in China or something, where I couldn't communicate with them. But again, plans for escape are flawed as when my parents pass away my sister will be all alone. She has her friends, but we have a strangely intimate bond, and she and my parents aren't very strong in the emotional sense. In the end, I should merely live for my sister?
It's not like me to leave randomly, but the urge to do something in the world - the real, mortal world of some foreign continent - manifests every time I feel this hopelessness. I'd be working in some town, living a life where I don't think about depression, or anxiety, or apathy. I could adventure in the wild jungles and find out what it really is to live life. I'd be doing something real in the world, I could inspire foreign ideas, maybe even ignite someone's lost passion. Ah, those blue skies of some far off land on the other side...
Growing up and living in a place which imposes no demands on you is all good and fine for someone with their own aspirations, but in my case there's been a lack of vision since I sunk into depression several years ago. If I did go traveling someplace I'd just end up depressed again, with no motivation to go out everyday and do something... How can I beat this, or is it just a part of me permanently?
Sometimes I just want to let loose, do a lot of drugs and wind up on the other side of town some days later. You know, just do something really crazy like ecstasy or LSD, something that'll knock your brain right out so you won't think like you did before. When you're someone who's been repressed for so long, it's amazing looking back and discovering what you kept hidden from yourself. My mind cements in its patterns as the years go by. I might not get to the core of my problems before I finally burst. Or worse yet, I may wait too long to unfasten my cemented mind.
I know it's a regression to the immature, but I just don't want to go to back to school. I don't want to move back up to that small town with its crack dens and slums. Its yelling drunken lunatics in the middle of the night. Its insufferable cold. I don't want to be in a new house, a new room, with new room mates. I don't want to get old and broken. Fuck, I've wasted the past 10 years of my life, and it keeps going downhill. The most depressing part is that I'll probably just end up not doing anything about it and be perfectly content to watch my life degrade to a minimum wage job with no spare time living in a slum. Amazing how quickly you get old - it feels like yesterday I was a kid in high school just trying to get to the end of the year so I'd be free from responsibility. How ironic, now I want the time to move backwards.
I don't know what to do about all these problems anymore. I thought I'd have another 10 years until I'd have to worry about the physical signs of aging. I can keep listening to songs that help lullaby my woes but that only lasts so long. I don't know why people tell me to hang on either: I see no point in my future, I see no merit in my present, and I see only good times in the past. Seems like I'm always moving against the wind.
All these issues don't seem like the regular growing pains most people go through, they seem more like horrible circumstances that are interrupting the natural growth of a person. Sometimes it just feels like I can't hold out any longer, it's just unbearable trying to breathe, to exercise, to be sitting. My brain feels pretty messed up most of the time, I get these weird spurts of tension inside my head, my teeth clench and start to hurt. What control do I have over psoriasis, arthritis and depression?
From day to day life I get the feeling I'm being boring and whiny. Sometimes it seems like all I talk about is depressing issues, so I've stopped talking to anyone about my lethargy and apathy. Still, my actions feel unrequited, my feelings without the care of another. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. All I can depend on is the knowledge that I've been through adversity before and gotten out alive. I just need to get my feelings out. Maybe sharing the stories of your growing up will help.
The feeling in your head you are describing , I know exactly that feeling. Im feeling it right now, along with having trouble to catch my breath but nothing ever shows up on the different tests Ive done. Im stressed out and very VERY depressed. I to am 22, I too get the weird headaches and everytime I try to think It literally feels as if my brain is on fire. Im showing signs of astma and while Airomir/bricanyl etc briefly helps, it doesnt do anything in the long run. My problem is that im very stressed out due to my situation at home, Im developing allergic reactions against any kind of smell, I cant read because of lack of focus, I cant study, I cant take a job. I used to be quite clever but I feel like Im having a huge mental roadblock in the way right now. And on top of it I have the same problem with my parents, the sudden anger-bursts and a lot of other things that doesn exactly help but I cba to go into details.
I too would like to know why my head feels like it does and what I can do about it.
On September 06 2012 00:47 HornyHerring wrote: Why are all those depressing blogs always featured? I'm quitting this section, always ruining my day.
I don't think they're depressing; I think they're honest and realistic, which some might confuse as being depressing. It's easy to get lost in a choice habit, be it video games, weed, or work, but a lot harder to express yourself and myriad of frustrations that come with getting older. More people need to be introspective, honest with themselves, and just thoughtful in general, and this post is emblematic of those qualities.
On September 04 2012 21:16 O.Golden_ne wrote: im 21, and i've never been happier. I look back at all the fuck up from the last few years. all the ridiculous feelings and situations i've put myself in or have been put in by other people. All of those cheesy motivational quotes that lame people write feel real. honestly, the riskiest thing i've ever done moving half a country away was the best thing i could ever do. i scored a $35 an hour job and im considering university again.
I'd really like to know what kind of entry-level job pays $35/hr?
I managed to score work with a model employer. They're setting the standards for other organizations in their field. they essentially put a bunch of us on a pay grade above what would be standard for the job we are doing, and on top of that they employed us on a casual contract because they weren't sure how long they were going to need us for.
As it turns out, the project we got hired on has become essential and theyre putting more people on, however they are going to be on the standard pay grade and on a full time contract. they've asked if we want the full time contract, but a $10 drop per hour isnt worth it IMHO, i dont care for paid holidays - i've worked as Temp before they're happy for us to stay on with the amazing/ridiculous arrangement.
I know I'm not the only one to feel that you captured many of my own feelings in this blog, but still at some level I feel obligated to respond.
Please do not feel insulted by my attempt to relate to you, but it feels only natural that we should share some things in common and I want to address you on a personal level. I will tell you that I am nearly twenty-five years old and that I think I was in a very similar mental place just moments ago, but to be fair I can not tell you for certain that I am in an objectively better place now. I will not pretend to be farther along on some life journey than you, or that from what you've written here I can discern the many things that indeed must be very different between you and I. I only feel that your post effectively communicates my own disposition, that through a very gradual change in my behavior certain things are changing for me now, and that I am thankful for some of these changes. To keep this Your blog and not mine, I will put my comment into spoiler tags and provide TL;DR.
To start, I believe that people like you and I are both drawn to critical thinking, I know that it is indeed enjoyable at some times but that it is also an incessant behavior of mine. Over-analysis is my disposition. It is my nature, and perhaps that is part of what poisoned me to fall into physical inactivity and to assume that I preferred a sort of laziness - not necessarily a lack of productivity but a lack of dedicated physical movement for a specific cause. For myself, I can say that I began to lessen my own malaise some time ago when I found a serious passion.
I know this term is used very loosely, so I want to be clear that I found something akin to an intellectual and physical love affair with a craft. I found something so fulfilling to practice and so impossible to conquer that I know I can dedicate my physical effort and mental energy to its pursuit, and by extension this means that I can feel a renewed sense of satisfaction while participating in society. Being driven to accomplish something every day has even given me renewed interest in keeping my frail, somewhat sickly body in better shape. Working hard and putting effort into a healthier diet, while difficult, caused my body to rebound in response to the stress. I feel like spending more time in nature.
As for what constitutes "healthy" friendships, I'm not certain where I stand on this any longer. I, too, realized that around others I ran a risk of being depressing (or worse, generally boring) if was not careful to control my disposition. At times with certain extended family and acquaintances, it felt like little more than trying keep positive for my company to enjoy a reflection of themselves rather than my actual personality.
However, I did find that if I could steer the topic of conversation to those things that I derived my enjoyment from, that the passion of my connection to those Material things drew others to once again enjoy my company. Old friends and strangers became drawn to my obsession not because they had any strong inherent interest, but possibly because they enjoyed the passionate way I felt and spoke about something very tangible. Rather than feel dragged down by my critical attention to the world around me, people began again to seek my acquaintance and friendship... Which has been, of course, mildly stressful (despite feeling like a genuinely positive development).
I don't know exactly how all of this sounds to you, I know it isn't especially inspiring but I don't want my life to sound like some sort of unrealistic motivational speech - it's not. I don't live a fantasy, I am not one with my society or my nation or my "team" of any kind. On occasions I still struggle to censor (and sometimes, in protest of this tendency, to un-censor) which of my thoughts might be deemed impossible for my company to appreciate. In general, I still feel ancient and strange, as if I'm not living here and now so much as I've been living in many bodies and in many places for a long, long time. Still, my life doesn't feel so empty now that I have something impossible to accomplish.
TL;DR I escaped a physical and psychological rut I had fallen into by acknowledging my passions and working to involve myself more intimately with them on a daily basis. Socializing feels less empty. Despite remaining challenges I do feel better, perhaps you can as well.
I would like to thank you for writing your thoughts here, not only for how they touch me now, but because I know how they would have touched me seeing them in many darker moments. Even in the coldest places, it is always warming to know we are not alone.
On September 04 2012 15:34 ZaplinG wrote: In my 24 years on earth, I've learned one thing for sure: Life is random and chaotic. Trying to put things into a pattern will only temporarily solve the problem. Once you embrace the madness, it will stop feeling overwhelming.
It sounds like you have a good, stable family. Be very thankful for this.
Your situation will only change if you put forth the effort to change it. If you are unsatisfied, no one is going to stop what they are doing to help you out. If you lack motivation, try to find something that inspires you and chase it.
I've been trying to adopt this mantra, that I should be ready and be comfortable with chaos and change. Somehow I just keep yearning for some solidarity deep inside. I know my childhood was emotionally chaotic and primitive (parents would fight frequently, so I resorted to just keeping my mouth shut about my own wants and desires and even needs, in order to appease them and not make them snap at me), so that may have something to do with it.
I feel like I've been putting in a lot of effort in certain areas, but maybe I've forgotten my old strategic mind set. That is, it's not just the amount of effort you put in, it's where you put it, and what kind of thing you do, and how you do it. Sometimes it's better to retreat from a situation: this is hard to accept given I've spent a lot of time trying to counter my natural tendency to sheepishness by blindly going into situations and always setting expectations at perfect success, whatever that means.
On September 04 2012 18:06 BookTwo wrote: I remember seeing a street artist who wrote a thought provoking message on one of the many alleys in Melbourne. I can't remember it exactly (and I kick myself for not writing it down) but it went something like this:
"Without a national cause, sense of community or religion, what are you living for?"
Coming to such deep questions are very hard and can lead to some very powerful realisations. Having a purpose means a lot. I could talk about this kind of topic for hours but I'll just leave it here.
Best of luck.
That feels like a good quote to remember, quite often our countries or communities influence what a good life is, or what the best life is, even without us knowing that we accept their ideas. At least I find that in myself. Sometimes I wish I were a character in the old Mobile Suit Gundam series. It always seemed like they had a purpose in life, and being in space made their lives seem without bounds. I can't really think of anything in real life that would bring out this feeling. It's probably just the hopeless romantic in me.
On September 04 2012 21:16 O.Golden_ne wrote: Roe,
when i graduated from high school i had no purpose, i had flunked year 12 and was in a band i thought was gonna kick ass. we spent several years together playing shows and recording. i'd known these other guys for the majority of my life and we were all very close.
after school ended, i decided to have a gap year and work as a trainee for a little cash. it was dead-end job and i wasted an entire year earning $9 dollars an hour sitting at a desk literally doing nothing. government jobs.
i decided then to go to university. i studied and for a semester got decent grades. i met a girl and we broke up. essentially this is where the story starts.
i fell into a deep depression, my band split up and i had no job. i started failing classes and not attending and became obsessed with this girl. there were day, nights and weeks at a time where i would feel physically impacted by this depression. my skull would hurt and i was always tired but couldnt sleep. bit by bit i felt madder and madder. i ended up getting back with the girl and it only spiralled downwards. several times i felt like suicide.
I realise that it is incredibly hard to deal with depression, and the next 2 years of my life i spent fucking around doing absolutely nothing. i dropped out of university and found another girlfriend only to be cheated on. my life felt like a fucking joke, the band left, my family lived 2 hours away, i could hardly pay rent.
i scored another dead-shit job with the government, this time at $20 an hour. once again working with 40year old woman who had given up on their depressing lives. i thought i was happy, i started drinking alot with my few friends and started dating a cute girl. i even picked up the gym and noticed a massive increase in my self esteem.
summer in newcastle was great, i was sort of happy again. then i freaked out, apparently all the other break ups and deep depression i had left me with some funny issues. i read a few messages on this girls phone and thought she was cheating on me.
i ended up deciding to fix my life, and set some goals. i decided to move to Melbourne. some 12 hours away. i ditched my friends, my job and almost everyone up there. from the time i read the messages to the time i landed in melbourne it was about 3 weeks. i landed with $2k and a friends lounge to sleep on. no job prospects but just a determination to have the life that i wanted.
im 21, and i've never been happier. I look back at all the fuck up from the last few years. all the ridiculous feelings and situations i've put myself in or have been put in by other people. All of those cheesy motivational quotes that lame people write feel real. honestly, the riskiest thing i've ever done moving half a country away was the best thing i could ever do. i scored a $35 an hour job and im considering university again.
my advice is only a few points, and theyre all fairly standard. but you would be surprised.
1. exercise atleast once every two days, be it cardio or weight training. do it in the mornings before anything else. you start the day like a king, and it helps with your sleep patterns.
2. make sure you get enough sleep. sleep lets your body deal with any dumb shit that other people cause.
3. work! honestly, even a shit job will give you purpose. whether money is the drive or it shows you what you DONT want to be doing. both of these are a good character building and it you can spend your cash on new things you've never done.
4. dont drink on weeknights. fairly self explanatory.
5. dont binge drink unless you are 100% healthy of mind.
6. save up some cash and get the fuck out of dodge. you're young and have spent so long already saying what cant be done. fuck that! write down 10 things you want to do this year, make them crazy. make one of these things moving somewhere.
7. BE SELFISH. I spent 6-8months of my life in emergency mode after a deep depression and essentially decided that i was going to do whatever the fuck i wanted (within reason). Essentially the reason behind this was because i had spent so long under my ex girlfriends thumbs i ended up becoming a wimp, a total emotional and physically bitch. i look back at that guy and laugh. but the trick was a) gym and b) being super selfish and only doing things that would be positive for me. this meant sticking to all of the rules i set in motion eg. the ones above. and if my friends tried to peer pressure me, i'd just be super rude.
just take life by the balls. in a year or two, you'll look back at your depression and lack of drive and be super grateful for it, because what greater motivation then unhappiness?
The greatest things i've done this last few years have been the result of hard work, ridiculous (selfish?) decision making and essentially the drive to never get as low as i was.
i hope this help, bye brother
Thanks for this, especially number 7 hehe I quite often feel like I shouldn't "take more power" (be faster, more fit, excel in most things and take advantage of opportunities) from other people. I can hear myself say "oh, I don't want to be too overeager, I don't want to be too impolite". I have the tendency to be a modest mouse all the time. Hearing your story reminded me that I haven't lost too much, and also that I haven't experienced much either. The former is more cheering, the latter is somewhat depressive. What did you mean by "get the fuck out of dodge"?
On September 05 2012 01:51 tehemperorer wrote: Been there, done that man. I did basically the same thing, already went through it. Now I'm 32, married, with 1 daughter and a boy on the way. I have never felt this way in my life, but that's definitely not to say the same path will lead you to happiness. I never made any hasty choices, and found enjoyment in things that I liked to do: Starcraft, Street Fighter, Basketball, Football, family, etc.
Basically since you seem to be a smart dude you will figure it out. Remember, no hasty choices, and keep your family in the foremost of your mind; they are the only permanent thing in your life, whether you realize it now or later. I would say that a certain degree of selfishness is warranted; true happiness comes from intrinsic motivation, not from motivation acquired from external sources, but make sure you become someone that is sensitive, open, and strong (a very endangered specimen).
Little note: in J.R.R. Tolkien's Silmarillion, elves sailed over the sea at the end of their lives, or if they were killed, their souls dwelt in the halls of Mandos, but still in contact with other elves of Middle Earth. Men died too, but in a different way, and no elf or valar knew what became of them once their souls left their bodies; it was a mystery. Our lives are journeys as well as our deaths, but our mortality is a rich inheritance that makes all our life experiences that much richer, be them joyous or sorrowful. Growing pains will agonize, but there are other things at the end of those pains that make it worth while. The only caveat is that you are not allowed to guess at what they could be, but why would you? How good is a surprise if you know it's coming?
I guess the problem I have is - taking the risks necessary to throw me out of the depression and engage in life without ...I don't know running away to China. I like that Silmarillion story.
On September 05 2012 03:46 intrigue wrote: hey, hope i'm not being really irresponsible for this post. also have to stress that the previous posts have been really good - it should be some relief to know that you aren't alone in your situation and that it's 100% possible to become happier. or just even airing your woes.
ok well here goes. have you tried medicinal marijuana? for your physical pains, it can help with psoriasis and arthritis. as for your repression and drab worldview, anecdotal testimony (from me) says that it is incredible for improving your mood. studies suggest that it can decrease the chance of suicide in our demographic, reduce anxiety, and may help with depression. it makes me love doing pushups and stretching, things i would never consider doing sober.
i'm not saying weed is the fix-all, you still need to actively seek to get your shit together incrementally. i was just alarmed by your "knocking your brain out" with lsd/mdma sentence. clearly i'm not you and i don't know your circumstances. just wanted to offer a safer alternative though!
you should always be really careful with psychoactive substances and know the risks. for example, weed can exacerbate certain mental disorders in those genetically predisposed. some people find deep relaxation when high while others are enveloped in anxiety and paranoia. there is literature that disagrees with the outcome of the studies i linked too.
the same substance can have very different effect on different people. you must do your own research but it's something that in my specific case has improved my quality of life tremendously.
I don't want to smoke it and risk any damage, is there a way to ingest it otherwise and gain the same effects? One of the few times I've had it was inside a toasted peanut butter sandwich, I think my friend cooked the weed somehow, I'm not sure. I'd be willing to do it, but just as a sort of suppliment. In fact I'd replace my drinking alcohol with it, alcohol has been shown to be bad for psoriasis, depression, etc.
On September 05 2012 06:55 snively wrote: i will support you with my love even though ive never met you before.
Thanks! :o
On September 05 2012 09:45 -Valor- wrote: Have you considered a change in nutrition? I feel like your health problems could be alleviated by having a healthier diet. Although you are a student, spending the time and planning on what you eat can play a major role in getting you back into a healthy state. Just keep working through your problems even though it is tough and if you still feel this way, there's no shame in receiving help from a professional if you really need it.
I've been doing a lot of changing of diet in the past months. Eating a lot less frozen food and packaged stuff. Now I'm eating a lot of fresh fruits/vegetables, and experimenting with cooking (Learning how to do different stir fries, kung pao chicken, ratatouille). Sometimes just eating an apple can make me energetic after feeling "low".
On September 04 2012 15:09 Roe wrote: Back when I was a kid the older folks would say how I was wise and kind beyond my years. I never really wanted to make fart jokes, or to be mean to other kids. I seemed to understand empathy and decent behaviour. I was always trying to be mature. There was always something making me not take such a joke in humanity. Perhaps there was a bit of faux-intellectualism in my constant brooding, which was only reinforced by parents calling me "so thoughtful". All my friends' moms would be enthused with my intelligence and polite behaviour, and wished openly for their sons to be like me - much to my dismay and maybe later loss of company.
You just sound shy to me. Don't let the rose tinted glass change your perception of the slope too much. When I'm looking down from the top of a rollercoaster it always looks like a vertical drop.
As the years in university go by, (taking Psych major, and a handful of philosophy and computer programming courses) the fact that I don't have a grasp on a career is scaring me more and more. This only leads me to desire a burnout lifestyle rather than a stable, long term one with a steady career. And what purpose do I really have anyways? I won't be passing down my genes, the world will keep spinning and all I can think of keeping me alive is my parents and sister. For some reason I'm allowing myself to be shackled to their emotions, how could I let them down by leaving the world? How could I sadden them so? Yet living a destitute and impoverished life might lead them to more misery.
I think getting the first job is a good start. You seem to desire a family. I'm not old enough myself to know what lies ahead of me, but I just have hope that I'll find someone. I think you should have that hope too. I also don't have a job, but I feel more confident due to 2 internships now that I have a good chance of getting one after graduation. This feeling may pass. I'm a pretty bad student. :-/
Aside from my parents also showing some signs of aging, they're pretty healthy. And I just sleep a lot. I can't really complain like you can about that.
Growing up and living in a place which imposes no demands on you is all good and fine for someone with their own aspirations, but in my case there's been a lack of vision since I sunk into depression several years ago. If I did go traveling someplace I'd just end up depressed again, with no motivation to go out everyday and do something... How can I beat this, or is it just a part of me permanently?
Sometimes I just want to let loose, do a lot of drugs and wind up on the other side of town some days later. You know, just do something really crazy like ecstasy or LSD, something that'll knock your brain right out so you won't think like you did before. When you're someone who's been repressed for so long, it's amazing looking back and discovering what you kept hidden from yourself. My mind cements in its patterns as the years go by. I might not get to the core of my problems before I finally burst. Or worse yet, I may wait too long to unfasten my cemented mind.
I doubt I know what depression is. As long as you know not to do those drugs for the obvious reason that things can always get worse...
I know it's a regression to the immature, but I just don't want to go to back to school. I don't want to move back up to that small town with its crack dens and slums. Its yelling drunken lunatics in the middle of the night. Its insufferable cold. I don't want to be in a new house, a new room, with new room mates. I don't want to get old and broken. Fuck, I've wasted the past 10 years of my life, and it keeps going downhill. The most depressing part is that I'll probably just end up not doing anything about it and be perfectly content to watch my life degrade to a minimum wage job with no spare time living in a slum. Amazing how quickly you get old - it feels like yesterday I was a kid in high school just trying to get to the end of the year so I'd be free from responsibility. How ironic, now I want the time to move backwards.
I sometimes think life's only been moving downhill, then I think of my life as a kid, and whether I was really happier then. My parents used to fight every day when I was young. They often threatened to divorce, and though they never did I was always afraid of what my life would turn into if it did. I constantly got spanked and yelled at when I was young and the yellings never fully stopped. Even in high school I didn't do my assignments, I cheated once in Sophomore year and several times in Senior Year and only got decent grades due to grade inflation and the relatively low competition levels.
From day to day life I get the feeling I'm being boring and whiny. Sometimes it seems like all I talk about is depressing issues, so I've stopped talking to anyone about my lethargy and apathy. Still, my actions feel unrequited, my feelings without the care of another. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. All I can depend on is the knowledge that I've been through adversity before and gotten out alive. I just need to get my feelings out. Maybe sharing the stories of your growing up will help.
I feel the same about not talking to people about my lethargy. It's horrible. You want to talk about it, you want someone to stop you, but you're afraid that they'll know and will judge you and you're afraid that you'll burden them and that they won't care or that they can't help. But man is not an island. And often the only way to get better is to seek help.
I would often wish for my parents to get divorced. They never seemed to have anything in common, always arguing and having misunderstandings about each other. Sometimes it seemed like every single night there would be an emotional outburst out of nowhere, and I'd hide away in my room. Eventually they stopped, but I think my mother has simply hidden away her feelings in suppression. I guess in a way I'm happier now since I can move away, get a job, not have to deal with their issues.
The trouble is I don't have many friends, so the depressed/lethargic issue seems to be overdone. I just expect them to think of me as one dimensional, and to be bored as soon as I start talking.
On September 05 2012 11:17 Izukue wrote: I'm going through something similar at the moment, and I think (hope) I'm coming out of it. I've had almost the same thoughts as you have had regarding escaping, quitting, etc. Somehow, today I've had a series of small victories. Extremely tiny victories as in making a phone call or getting an errand done. I don't think I'll be able to pull myself out of this with some drastic change in my life. I believe that it's these tiny victories that will help me come through at the end of the day. I hope you can find your share of tiny victories to guide you through this too! We're all here and rooting for you!
Back in my cog-behavioural therapy they'd encourage me to just start out with small goals, moving slowly to the larger challenges. I think it works, you just have to keep moving with the schedule. Thanks!
On September 05 2012 10:43 Cowpieguy wrote: So I had some problems with severe depression and feeling repressed. I was also the really polite kid that other parents loved just like you described. I am now 23 and the past five years were difficult but very helpful.
I don't have the physical problems you do besides a bitchy hip that cut my track and cross-country career short.
Someone else mentioned that life is chaotic and that you need to accept this. I totally agree. Trying to find patterns and meaning will drive you insane.
I'll tell you what helped me. 1. Medication. I'm now on three prescription medications. These have probably saved my life literally and figuratively. Therapy did not work for me because psychologists are a bunch of arrogant, lying, manipulating assholes. But medication kicks ass. 2. Saying fuck you to the moral, religious, and societal restrictions I put on myself. This was very difficult and took several years. But I no longer feel like the repressed kid I did before. Fortunately, I am a nice person. So I am still a moral person, but that is because that's how I want to be, not because I feel obligated to be that way. Be and do whatever the fuck you want. Literally say "fuck you" to someone and mean it in a nasty way. Get in touch with the anger you feel and let it out.
Finally, as far as finding meaning in life . . . This is probably the hardest thing for anyone to do. I used to be a self-motivated overachiever, but depression changed that. Now, I am getting a handle on my depression. Yet I was still trying to find something to do with my life that would be fulfilling and I just couldn't. Then, recently, I decided I want to try to make $10 million. It's a totally selfish goal, but I don't give a fuck. Maybe it won't happen, but I'm going to try, and suddenly I feel motivated to do shit. For me, making $10 million means that then I don't have to work and can do whatever the fuck I want and give money to my family and whoever I want to. That motivates me. Like I said, it's selfish, but I finally decided that I don't care, and I feel great.
So, I suggest you see a psychiatrist and look into medication. Also, try to get in touch with any repressed anger or negative emotions you feel and let them out. Finally, be really selfish and think about what you want and then get it.
Thanks for the advice. Though medication can be tricky - it could radically change my personality and the way I work, which can be a good thing as well as bad. I suppose whenever I have a drink it's something similar to that.
On September 05 2012 13:39 flamewheel wrote: A lot of people have posted in this thread and have much better posts than I could hope to write. While I can't exactly empathize to the same extent, I do sympathize with you. We all have downer moments. Some of us just take longer to pull out of the haze.
You said you didn't want people to tell you to cheer up, but I'm going to tell you to do that. Please take into consideration the posts already written.
On September 05 2012 21:48 Diks wrote: I'm currently 28, unemployed without any diploma, living illegally in a country where I don't know many people. I have very few friends and I've got dumped by my girlfriend which was sort of my anchor in this world after 5 years of relationship. I smoke too much and I feel like no one will truly understand me. Most persons I talk to, tend to remind me that my life is miserable... And yet; I'm feeling good.
I don't care what people think about me anymore, how they value me. I'm not here to live according to their standard, the same way they shouldn't live according to mine. Every time my life gets messy an pathetic, I smile because I know that I'm not expecting anything good in the future, and yet I keep on getting suprised by me, by life itself and by people surrounding me. I see life as being like waves or a bouncing ball. Everytime I'm falling and I'm close to the ground, I'll know that I'll bounce. Becase that what's keeping happening.
The real question is what is sadness ? In my opinion and experience, it's a healthy feeling that comes when your life doesn't go the way you would have liked to. Instead of enjoying pleasure, you start doubting. A healthy doubt, a healthy sadness, this is the only thing that'll make you do different things that you used to do. It's your mind and body telling you to bring change to your situation. We never do what we want to do, we just do what we do. We give ourself reasons afterward to explain our behaviour. To make us believe that we aren't a stranger to ourself.
I've been through multiple job information centers and also passed some tests to know what would be my purpose in life. All this phony stuff to make me believe I should have a purpose and that purpose should be a job. The fact is I don't have such a purpose and I don't think anyone does. Some believe they do, but in the end we'll all gonna die in less than 100 years. Everything I could do wouldn't matter at all when looked objectively. Life as been wandering on earth for more than 500 million years and nobody knows how it'll be in another million of years. We're just occupying some space and time, but on the scale of the universe we are as insignifcant as a piece fo paper in a trash basket... I could die right now, there would be no effect in the course of history.
As you can realise, real objectivity won't bring you any answers or comfort, so stay subjective. Stay close to yourself, listen to your feelings, just do what you do.
You're a beautifull and amazing being and I hope you'll have the chance to get a glimpse of this. You don't know what the future will bring you, no one does, so if your life isn't enjoyable right now, I'm pretty sure it'll get later.
I've been through horrible moments in my life and there will be more. So eventhough my situation right know isn't what I ever wanted it to be, it's part of the journey, my journey, I'm a hero. Only through my eyes apparently, but that's way enough for me. We must love ourself for what we are. If you saw someone getting the exact same troubles as you had, you'll find him sympathic. Do that for yourself, right now. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry and laugh and luckily you have 2 shoulders close to your head and they won't go away. Trust yourself, How had been life previously ? I'm sure you've been through lots of shit moments and yet you always rised like a true boss.
It's good that there is some dramas in your life. All good stories need some.
That's probably been my main desire this whole time - to have an interesting life story. To have been through adventures, to have accomplished things that matter. What matters though? More often than not it seems like nothing matters. I guess what it really comes down to is this: the things that matter are those lost opportunities you'll later regret in life.
On September 05 2012 21:51 Azera wrote: I think recording something on Vinyl and uploading it onto YouTube is a pretty redundant practice lol.\
Anyway, let me get on with my actual response.
I think you've replied and read some of my blogs before. Toiling in mediocrity, and struggling with the gift of life is a constant theme. I can empathize with you when you say that you feel there's no point in the future, there's no point in struggling in the present, and yearning for the past
What I have felt is slightly different from you I guess. It's hard for me to say it with my own words, so allow my favourite composer, Tchaikovsky, to say it for me, "To regret the past, to hope in the future, and never to be satisfied with the present: that is what I spend my whole life doing." I've constantly been plagued with thoughts of suicide and the likes of it. Maybe you like to refer to such experiences as depression. I however, don't. I accept it as part of life. I think suicide makes sense as long as the person is not completely mentally ill. Some people say depression is a form of mental illness, and maybe I don't have the experience or knowledge to say that it's not, but I have been quite upset with living for a period of time.
Think about it.
Think about jumping off a tall building. Maybe you'll feel an intense pain just as you hit the ground for a fraction of a second. But that's all it'll ever be. A fraction of a second. What comes afterwards? Does it even matter? You won't even be around to comprehend the void. Oh! But the guilt! My parents will be so upset! My loving sister, she'll cry her eyes out! Yes, it feels bad. But I have come to associate this tinge of guilt to be an "after-death" experience, and what does that mean? Nothing. It means that you won't be around the feel this guilt.
But then again, there's always the concept of in-the-moment guilt. I don't know about you, but I didn't care about it because the guilt wouldn't last long.
So despite the possible logical inconsistencies or flaws in my reasoning for suicide, it makes perfect sense to me, and that's all that matters when I'm talking about my experience because it is my reasoning that I will be acting upon should I decide to jump.
So why didn't I do it?
Hope! Hope is the dream of a waking man, as Aristotle has so eloquently put it. Hope! Just kidding. Hoping that things will always get better is quite stupid to me. Voltaire has said that Optimism is the mania for insisting that all is well when all is by no means well, and I fully agree with him.
What is keeping me moving is the very thing I had a distaste for in the beginning. Life! I wish to experience it however way I best see fit. I want to smell fresh bread! I want to hold hands with a girl I love! I want to sit in a nice grassy field, underneath a willow tree! I want to listen to music, no, I want to feel music! I want to sit in a concert hall, watch an orchestra play Beethoven's 9th, and a choir sing the Ode to Joy! I want to play more StarCraft, to feel the rage! I want to browse Reddit and chuckle! I want to read, I want to learn, I want to expand my mind, I want to reason!
I WANT TO EXPERIENCE LIFE!
I'll end off with a quote from Gottfried Leibniz, I'm reciting this off the top of my head. " The ills of the world are but shadows in a beautiful painting. But it is the shadows that bring out the colours. "
It's fun to watch the record spin 'round! >.>
I don't really believe in "hope", whatever that is. But reading your last paragraph reminded me of how rarely it is that I just fall into a nice grassy field, underneath a tree, or smell a fresh loaf of bread and really feel the bread, if that makes sense. And to feel the wind, and the grass, and to hear the sound of the beautiful canopy of green trees in the dewy fall, with its mysterious and contemplative dark grey skies, and the brisk fresh mornings...it takes me back to a younger time, and closer to bliss.
On September 07 2012 17:18 ANoise wrote: I know I'm not the only one to feel that you captured many of my own feelings in this blog, but still at some level I feel obligated to respond.
Please do not feel insulted by my attempt to relate to you, but it feels only natural that we should share some things in common and I want to address you on a personal level. I will tell you that I am nearly twenty-five years old and that I think I was in a very similar mental place just moments ago, but to be fair I can not tell you for certain that I am in an objectively better place now. I will not pretend to be farther along on some life journey than you, or that from what you've written here I can discern the many things that indeed must be very different between you and I. I only feel that your post effectively communicates my own disposition, that through a very gradual change in my behavior certain things are changing for me now, and that I am thankful for some of these changes. To keep this Your blog and not mine, I will put my comment into spoiler tags and provide TL;DR.
To start, I believe that people like you and I are both drawn to critical thinking, I know that it is indeed enjoyable at some times but that it is also an incessant behavior of mine. Over-analysis is my disposition. It is my nature, and perhaps that is part of what poisoned me to fall into physical inactivity and to assume that I preferred a sort of laziness - not necessarily a lack of productivity but a lack of dedicated physical movement for a specific cause. For myself, I can say that I began to lessen my own malaise some time ago when I found a serious passion.
I know this term is used very loosely, so I want to be clear that I found something akin to an intellectual and physical love affair with a craft. I found something so fulfilling to practice and so impossible to conquer that I know I can dedicate my physical effort and mental energy to its pursuit, and by extension this means that I can feel a renewed sense of satisfaction while participating in society. Being driven to accomplish something every day has even given me renewed interest in keeping my frail, somewhat sickly body in better shape. Working hard and putting effort into a healthier diet, while difficult, caused my body to rebound in response to the stress. I feel like spending more time in nature.
As for what constitutes "healthy" friendships, I'm not certain where I stand on this any longer. I, too, realized that around others I ran a risk of being depressing (or worse, generally boring) if was not careful to control my disposition. At times with certain extended family and acquaintances, it felt like little more than trying keep positive for my company to enjoy a reflection of themselves rather than my actual personality.
However, I did find that if I could steer the topic of conversation to those things that I derived my enjoyment from, that the passion of my connection to those Material things drew others to once again enjoy my company. Old friends and strangers became drawn to my obsession not because they had any strong inherent interest, but possibly because they enjoyed the passionate way I felt and spoke about something very tangible. Rather than feel dragged down by my critical attention to the world around me, people began again to seek my acquaintance and friendship... Which has been, of course, mildly stressful (despite feeling like a genuinely positive development).
I don't know exactly how all of this sounds to you, I know it isn't especially inspiring but I don't want my life to sound like some sort of unrealistic motivational speech - it's not. I don't live a fantasy, I am not one with my society or my nation or my "team" of any kind. On occasions I still struggle to censor (and sometimes, in protest of this tendency, to un-censor) which of my thoughts might be deemed impossible for my company to appreciate. In general, I still feel ancient and strange, as if I'm not living here and now so much as I've been living in many bodies and in many places for a long, long time. Still, my life doesn't feel so empty now that I have something impossible to accomplish.
TL;DR I escaped a physical and psychological rut I had fallen into by acknowledging my passions and working to involve myself more intimately with them on a daily basis. Socializing feels less empty. Despite remaining challenges I do feel better, perhaps you can as well.
I would like to thank you for writing your thoughts here, not only for how they touch me now, but because I know how they would have touched me seeing them in many darker moments. Even in the coldest places, it is always warming to know we are not alone.
I relate to this post so much, especially having to keep myself positive and just agree with other people in order to not bring them down. Not sure what I can add, it was a good post.
And thanks for the replies and encouragement everyone.
My suggestion is find sport to train, it's never too late! It can be individual or team, at start it might piss you off and hurt you, but result's of doing sport's is always rewarding!
Uh have you considered that you have depression? Just talk to someone about it. Someone professional. The difference between being depressed and not being depressed is ridicious
EDIT: Just saw what you wrote about not having friends who can relate. Have you tried making friends with someone who has gone through this kinda shit? Right now I feel like im going through some shit and I have a friend who is supporting me who also went through a massive amount of shit earlier this year.
Another suggestion I have to offer is to really shape your life around something you believe in. For me, after reading a brief post on Stoicism by Liquid'NonY (I actually can't thank him enough for this :/) I went out and looked for old texts by the Greeks and Romans who practiced Stoicism. I felt that the philosophy really resonated with what I believed in, and every day I try to apply their logic to my life. Granted times have changed and not everything is applicable anymore, but that doesn't change the fact that it acts as a basis for my future actions. Whenever I feel lost I just think to myself what a Stoic would do and I somehow manage to get off my arse and get moving! Good luck!
On September 04 2012 18:57 Tommie wrote: Protip: stop hating on life. She doesn't care if you hate her or not, but it matters a whole lot to you. Once you stop doing that you'll feel much better. Do it one step at a time. First work on your health, then social life, then work on your career. But for gods sake stop being a whiney loser. Bla bla bla purpose bla bla bla.
Seriously, people who are 'mature for their age' either have shitty childhoods that force them to take up responsibilities most kids don't. Or they know what they want and they get serious about school and such at a young age. Or they are angsty teenagers who are just afraid to be young.
Being depressed is an activity. Stop doing it. It's a bad habit.
Just go to Korea and teach English. Make money, travel, go to nice places. Just to show yourself how fun life can be. Just get out of wherever you are and stop being so fucking afraid of living.
If you really are the person in your post you would not have posted that. You know its true. What you need is someone to kick your butt and tell you to stop being lame.
Really, you are 21. What do you know about life? Nothing. Now that is not a problem. I'm 22 and I don't know nothing either. But it seems to me that you've drawn you conclusions on yourself and your life unaware of the fact that you know nothing yet.
Get the fuck out of wherever you are and broaden your fucking scope. Please
Um what? You just seem to be hating on everything in his post. Being depressed is not an activity. More often then not it's actually a chemical imbalance in your brain or a recurring subconscious thought. Definitely not something you can just "stop doing." I have major depressive disorder along with bipolar and just reading your post makes me think how close minded you are. While in the military the therapists there tried to tell me the same shit you're telling him. "Just go out and be happy. Force yourself to be happy. See the world in a better light." Unfortunately it's not that easy. You can't force yourself to look at things through a positive perspective all the time. And even if you manage it for any period of time it'll soon be replaced in the first place. It's much harder to be apathetic to emotions and events if you're dealing with depression. People mature faster for many many many reasons. Also, age is just a number. Because you're only 21 doesn't mean you don't know shit. Wisdom comes with experience and while that generally comes with age some people experience a lot more than others at a younger age.
Why isn't it that easy? Why isn't being depressed an activity?
Personally, I get depressed when I allow myself any sort of stasis. If I'm not doing SOMETHING, I'm not happy. I experience the same depression anyone would; I start questioning the value of anything, slip into a nihlistic worldview and become completely uninspired to do anything. In that state of mind, it is impressively hard to "Force yourself to be happy!"... but it's a sequence of events that is extremely predictable and absolutely something you can control. Especially in the case of someone that's citing feelings of helplessness or lack of control as symptoms of their depression, why not point out that their stasis perpetuates their depression?
For me, when I become depressed it is the result of a course of actions I chose to take. In choosing to not be social or not take care of myself I enable my own depression. I am the harbinger of my own misery, and control the sorrow by acknowledging my own part in it. It isn't unreasonable to assume the OP is in a similar situation; not all depressions are chemical/uncontrollable/hopeless.
EPT
