I always felt like I wanted to be one of the adults. I wanted to see their complex humour and their witty references. I wanted to understand their authority and power. My mother would comment on how patient and quiet I was - never admitting it was her unpredictable anger that set me that way for life. Perhaps it was that same strictness that pushed me into maturing so fast.
Back when I was a kid the older folks would say how I was wise and kind beyond my years. I never really wanted to make fart jokes, or to be mean to other kids. I seemed to understand empathy and decent behaviour. I was always trying to be mature. There was always something making me not take such a joke in humanity. Perhaps there was a bit of faux-intellectualism in my constant brooding, which was only reinforced by parents calling me "so thoughtful". All my friends' moms would be enthused with my intelligence and polite behaviour, and wished openly for their sons to be like me - much to my dismay and maybe later loss of company.
As the years in university go by, (taking Psych major, and a handful of philosophy and computer programming courses) the fact that I don't have a grasp on a career is scaring me more and more. I've been taking online career quizzes, talking to family and friends, reading up on official organizations (Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology, for example). This only leads me to desire a burnout lifestyle rather than a stable, long term one with a steady career. And what purpose do I really have anyways? I won't be passing down my genes, the world will keep spinning and all I can think of keeping me alive is my parents and sister. For some reason I'm allowing myself to be shackled to their emotions, how could I let them down by leaving the world? How could I sadden them so? Yet living a destitute and impoverished life might lead them to more misery.
Is it unheard of for someone to grow old and grizzled quicker than everyone else? I've always felt like an outlier for many reasons, but recently some health issues have come up that make it particularly hard to feel normal or happy. I'll be 22 in a month, and with the great range of temperatures brought by Fall my bones and joints are starting to give away. The other day I just about fell I remember when reading about psoriasis I noticed that many cases also involve arthritis - previously thought by me as an old man's disease. (Might be just an advertising scheme, but supposedly Phil Mickelson has psoriatic arthritis, so that sort of helps morale for some reason).
As well, never quite feel like I've caught my breath. My breathing is flemmy most of the time and I have to hold my nose open to breath properly. I tried running for maybe 20 seconds but that makes me cough to my knees and it feels like there's liquid trying to get out. When I don't take deep breaths every few minutes I get this weird "lazy" feeling in my head. Every few days or so there's this spiking pain in my chest around my lungs, followed by a shock of pain all throughout my body while my eyes lose focus. It's been happening for a couple years. I've gone to the doctor's and had breathing tests and x-rays done, nothing shows up. Every time I try to work out my wrists and ankles flare up, so I can't do much to exercise my lungs. I wonder, how can you tell if your brain is getting enough oxygen? My head feels sort of empty and hard and sluggish all the time, so I wonder if that has anything to do with the breathing.
What's more depressing is the fact that right now my parents are beginning to show their own signs of old age. My dad's foot has been flared up in pain for the past week or so, causing him to walk very slowly having to use a cane to get around. My mom's hip, which was once replaced by operation, has been hurting her as well. I never realized this, but my parents are 66 and 62...which makes the difference in age about 40 years. Their sedentary lifestyle isn't helping either, as my father is quite overweight.
I miss my father already, even though he's still with me. I feel like he's always been at work and when he's home he's working. I remember a few rare times when I was younger that I felt a bond with him. We didn't play sports like normal families. We played with Legos and Chess, and somehow, through just being there and being my friend, he taught me everything I needed to know. Sometimes I wonder if we could ever have that bond restored, however small it was, before it's too late. Before life passes us by. [i]Cats In The Cradle[/] reminds me of those times. Maybe another time I'll dwell more on the early years with my parents.
Sometimes I think...if only I could disappear with them convinced I was somewhere in China or something, where I couldn't communicate with them. But again, plans for escape are flawed as when my parents pass away my sister will be all alone. She has her friends, but we have a strangely intimate bond, and she and my parents aren't very strong in the emotional sense. In the end, I should merely live for my sister?
It's not like me to leave randomly, but the urge to do something in the world - the real, mortal world of some foreign continent - manifests every time I feel this hopelessness. I'd be working in some town, living a life where I don't think about depression, or anxiety, or apathy. I could adventure in the wild jungles and find out what it really is to live life. I'd be doing something real in the world, I could inspire foreign ideas, maybe even ignite someone's lost passion. Ah, those blue skies of some far off land on the other side...
Growing up and living in a place which imposes no demands on you is all good and fine for someone with their own aspirations, but in my case there's been a lack of vision since I sunk into depression several years ago. If I did go traveling someplace I'd just end up depressed again, with no motivation to go out everyday and do something... How can I beat this, or is it just a part of me permanently?
Sometimes I just want to let loose, do a lot of drugs and wind up on the other side of town some days later. You know, just do something really crazy like ecstasy or LSD, something that'll knock your brain right out so you won't think like you did before. When you're someone who's been repressed for so long, it's amazing looking back and discovering what you kept hidden from yourself. My mind cements in its patterns as the years go by. I might not get to the core of my problems before I finally burst. Or worse yet, I may wait too long to unfasten my cemented mind.
I know it's a regression to the immature, but I just don't want to go to back to school. I don't want to move back up to that small town with its crack dens and slums. Its yelling drunken lunatics in the middle of the night. Its insufferable cold. I don't want to be in a new house, a new room, with new room mates. I don't want to get old and broken. Fuck, I've wasted the past 10 years of my life, and it keeps going downhill. The most depressing part is that I'll probably just end up not doing anything about it and be perfectly content to watch my life degrade to a minimum wage job with no spare time living in a slum. Amazing how quickly you get old - it feels like yesterday I was a kid in high school just trying to get to the end of the year so I'd be free from responsibility. How ironic, now I want the time to move backwards.
I don't know what to do about all these problems anymore. I thought I'd have another 10 years until I'd have to worry about the physical signs of aging. I can keep listening to songs that help lullaby my woes but that only lasts so long. I don't know why people tell me to hang on either: I see no point in my future, I see no merit in my present, and I see only good times in the past. Seems like I'm always moving against the wind.
All these issues don't seem like the regular growing pains most people go through, they seem more like horrible circumstances that are interrupting the natural growth of a person. Sometimes it just feels like I can't hold out any longer, it's just unbearable trying to breathe, to exercise, to be sitting. My brain feels pretty messed up most of the time, I get these weird spurts of tension inside my head, my teeth clench and start to hurt. What control do I have over psoriasis, arthritis and depression?
From day to day life I get the feeling I'm being boring and whiny. Sometimes it seems like all I talk about is depressing issues, so I've stopped talking to anyone about my lethargy and apathy. Still, my actions feel unrequited, my feelings without the care of another. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. All I can depend on is the knowledge that I've been through adversity before and gotten out alive. I just need to get my feelings out. Maybe sharing the stories of your growing up will help.
In my 24 years on earth, I've learned one thing for sure: Life is random and chaotic. Trying to put things into a pattern will only temporarily solve the problem. Once you embrace the madness, it will stop feeling overwhelming.
It sounds like you have a good, stable family. Be very thankful for this.
Your situation will only change if you put forth the effort to change it. If you are unsatisfied, no one is going to stop what they are doing to help you out. If you lack motivation, try to find something that inspires you and chase it.
I remember seeing a street artist who wrote a thought provoking message on one of the many alleys in Melbourne. I can't remember it exactly (and I kick myself for not writing it down) but it went something like this:
"Without a national cause, sense of community or religion, what are you living for?"
Coming to such deep questions are very hard and can lead to some very powerful realisations. Having a purpose means a lot. I could talk about this kind of topic for hours but I'll just leave it here.
Greatly written. I sort of know what you're talking about... I've been diagnosed with severe depression and self-destructive tendencies, not quite the same as you but after reading I found that we have almost an identical mindset. Also I'm 5 years younger than you. Like ZaplinG mentioned, you seem to have a nice family. Hold on to that and try to remake that special bond with your father. Appreciate your family, it could be much worse without one.
Protip: stop hating on life. She doesn't care if you hate her or not, but it matters a whole lot to you. Once you stop doing that you'll feel much better. Do it one step at a time. First work on your health, then social life, then work on your career. But for gods sake stop being a whiney loser. Bla bla bla purpose bla bla bla.
Seriously, people who are 'mature for their age' either have shitty childhoods that force them to take up responsibilities most kids don't. Or they know what they want and they get serious about school and such at a young age. Or they are angsty teenagers who are just afraid to be young.
Being depressed is an activity. Stop doing it. It's a bad habit.
Just go to Korea and teach English. Make money, travel, go to nice places. Just to show yourself how fun life can be. Just get out of wherever you are and stop being so fucking afraid of living.
If you really are the person in your post you would not have posted that. You know its true. What you need is someone to kick your butt and tell you to stop being lame.
Really, you are 21. What do you know about life? Nothing. Now that is not a problem. I'm 22 and I don't know nothing either. But it seems to me that you've drawn you conclusions on yourself and your life unaware of the fact that you know nothing yet.
Get the fuck out of wherever you are and broaden your fucking scope. Please
when i graduated from high school i had no purpose, i had flunked year 12 and was in a band i thought was gonna kick ass. we spent several years together playing shows and recording. i'd known these other guys for the majority of my life and we were all very close.
after school ended, i decided to have a gap year and work as a trainee for a little cash. it was dead-end job and i wasted an entire year earning $9 dollars an hour sitting at a desk literally doing nothing. government jobs.
i decided then to go to university. i studied and for a semester got decent grades. i met a girl and we broke up. essentially this is where the story starts.
i fell into a deep depression, my band split up and i had no job. i started failing classes and not attending and became obsessed with this girl. there were day, nights and weeks at a time where i would feel physically impacted by this depression. my skull would hurt and i was always tired but couldnt sleep. bit by bit i felt madder and madder. i ended up getting back with the girl and it only spiralled downwards. several times i felt like suicide.
I realise that it is incredibly hard to deal with depression, and the next 2 years of my life i spent fucking around doing absolutely nothing. i dropped out of university and found another girlfriend only to be cheated on. my life felt like a fucking joke, the band left, my family lived 2 hours away, i could hardly pay rent.
i scored another dead-shit job with the government, this time at $20 an hour. once again working with 40year old woman who had given up on their depressing lives. i thought i was happy, i started drinking alot with my few friends and started dating a cute girl. i even picked up the gym and noticed a massive increase in my self esteem.
summer in newcastle was great, i was sort of happy again. then i freaked out, apparently all the other break ups and deep depression i had left me with some funny issues. i read a few messages on this girls phone and thought she was cheating on me.
i ended up deciding to fix my life, and set some goals. i decided to move to Melbourne. some 12 hours away. i ditched my friends, my job and almost everyone up there. from the time i read the messages to the time i landed in melbourne it was about 3 weeks. i landed with $2k and a friends lounge to sleep on. no job prospects but just a determination to have the life that i wanted.
im 21, and i've never been happier. I look back at all the fuck up from the last few years. all the ridiculous feelings and situations i've put myself in or have been put in by other people. All of those cheesy motivational quotes that lame people write feel real. honestly, the riskiest thing i've ever done moving half a country away was the best thing i could ever do. i scored a $35 an hour job and im considering university again.
my advice is only a few points, and theyre all fairly standard. but you would be surprised.
1. exercise atleast once every two days, be it cardio or weight training. do it in the mornings before anything else. you start the day like a king, and it helps with your sleep patterns.
2. make sure you get enough sleep. sleep lets your body deal with any dumb shit that other people cause.
3. work! honestly, even a shit job will give you purpose. whether money is the drive or it shows you what you DONT want to be doing. both of these are a good character building and it you can spend your cash on new things you've never done.
4. dont drink on weeknights. fairly self explanatory.
5. dont binge drink unless you are 100% healthy of mind.
6. save up some cash and get the fuck out of dodge. you're young and have spent so long already saying what cant be done. fuck that! write down 10 things you want to do this year, make them crazy. make one of these things moving somewhere.
7. BE SELFISH. I spent 6-8months of my life in emergency mode after a deep depression and essentially decided that i was going to do whatever the fuck i wanted (within reason). Essentially the reason behind this was because i had spent so long under my ex girlfriends thumbs i ended up becoming a wimp, a total emotional and physically bitch. i look back at that guy and laugh. but the trick was a) gym and b) being super selfish and only doing things that would be positive for me. this meant sticking to all of the rules i set in motion eg. the ones above. and if my friends tried to peer pressure me, i'd just be super rude.
just take life by the balls. in a year or two, you'll look back at your depression and lack of drive and be super grateful for it, because what greater motivation then unhappiness?
The greatest things i've done this last few years have been the result of hard work, ridiculous (selfish?) decision making and essentially the drive to never get as low as i was.
Been there, done that man. I did basically the same thing, already went through it. Now I'm 32, married, with 1 daughter and a boy on the way. I have never felt this way in my life, but that's definitely not to say the same path will lead you to happiness. I never made any hasty choices, and found enjoyment in things that I liked to do: Starcraft, Street Fighter, Basketball, Football, family, etc.
Basically since you seem to be a smart dude you will figure it out. Remember, no hasty choices, and keep your family in the foremost of your mind; they are the only permanent thing in your life, whether you realize it now or later. I would say that a certain degree of selfishness is warranted; true happiness comes from intrinsic motivation, not from motivation acquired from external sources, but make sure you become someone that is sensitive, open, and strong (a very endangered specimen).
Little note: in J.R.R. Tolkien's Silmarillion, elves sailed over the sea at the end of their lives, or if they were killed, their souls dwelt in the halls of Mandos, but still in contact with other elves of Middle Earth. Men died too, but in a different way, and no elf or valar knew what became of them once their souls left their bodies; it was a mystery. Our lives are journeys as well as our deaths, but our mortality is a rich inheritance that makes all our life experiences that much richer, be them joyous or sorrowful. Growing pains will agonize, but there are other things at the end of those pains that make it worth while. The only caveat is that you are not allowed to guess at what they could be, but why would you? How good is a surprise if you know it's coming?
hey, hope i'm not being really irresponsible for this post. also have to stress that the previous posts have been really good - it should be some relief to know that you aren't alone in your situation and that it's 100% possible to become happier. or just even airing your woes.
ok well here goes. have you tried medicinal marijuana? for your physical pains, it can help with psoriasis and arthritis. as for your repression and drab worldview, anecdotal testimony (from me) says that it is incredible for improving your mood. studies suggest that it can decrease the chance of suicide in our demographic, reduce anxiety, and may help with depression. it makes me love doing pushups and stretching, things i would never consider doing sober.
i'm not saying weed is the fix-all, you still need to actively seek to get your shit together incrementally. i was just alarmed by your "knocking your brain out" with lsd/mdma sentence. clearly i'm not you and i don't know your circumstances. just wanted to offer a safer alternative though!
you should always be really careful with psychoactive substances and know the risks. for example, weed can exacerbate certain mental disorders in those genetically predisposed. some people find deep relaxation when high while others are enveloped in anxiety and paranoia. there is literature that disagrees with the outcome of the studies i linked too.
the same substance can have very different effect on different people. you must do your own research but it's something that in my specific case has improved my quality of life tremendously.
On September 04 2012 18:57 Tommie wrote: Protip: stop hating on life. She doesn't care if you hate her or not, but it matters a whole lot to you. Once you stop doing that you'll feel much better. Do it one step at a time. First work on your health, then social life, then work on your career. But for gods sake stop being a whiney loser. Bla bla bla purpose bla bla bla.
Seriously, people who are 'mature for their age' either have shitty childhoods that force them to take up responsibilities most kids don't. Or they know what they want and they get serious about school and such at a young age. Or they are angsty teenagers who are just afraid to be young.
Being depressed is an activity. Stop doing it. It's a bad habit.
Just go to Korea and teach English. Make money, travel, go to nice places. Just to show yourself how fun life can be. Just get out of wherever you are and stop being so fucking afraid of living.
If you really are the person in your post you would not have posted that. You know its true. What you need is someone to kick your butt and tell you to stop being lame.
Really, you are 21. What do you know about life? Nothing. Now that is not a problem. I'm 22 and I don't know nothing either. But it seems to me that you've drawn you conclusions on yourself and your life unaware of the fact that you know nothing yet.
Get the fuck out of wherever you are and broaden your fucking scope. Please
Um what? You just seem to be hating on everything in his post. Being depressed is not an activity. More often then not it's actually a chemical imbalance in your brain or a recurring subconscious thought. Definitely not something you can just "stop doing." I have major depressive disorder along with bipolar and just reading your post makes me think how close minded you are. While in the military the therapists there tried to tell me the same shit you're telling him. "Just go out and be happy. Force yourself to be happy. See the world in a better light." Unfortunately it's not that easy. You can't force yourself to look at things through a positive perspective all the time. And even if you manage it for any period of time it'll soon be replaced in the first place. It's much harder to be apathetic to emotions and events if you're dealing with depression. People mature faster for many many many reasons. Also, age is just a number. Because you're only 21 doesn't mean you don't know shit. Wisdom comes with experience and while that generally comes with age some people experience a lot more than others at a younger age.
On September 04 2012 18:57 Tommie wrote: Protip: stop hating on life. She doesn't care if you hate her or not, but it matters a whole lot to you. Once you stop doing that you'll feel much better. Do it one step at a time. First work on your health, then social life, then work on your career. But for gods sake stop being a whiney loser. Bla bla bla purpose bla bla bla.
Seriously, people who are 'mature for their age' either have shitty childhoods that force them to take up responsibilities most kids don't. Or they know what they want and they get serious about school and such at a young age. Or they are angsty teenagers who are just afraid to be young.
Being depressed is an activity. Stop doing it. It's a bad habit.
Just go to Korea and teach English. Make money, travel, go to nice places. Just to show yourself how fun life can be. Just get out of wherever you are and stop being so fucking afraid of living.
If you really are the person in your post you would not have posted that. You know its true. What you need is someone to kick your butt and tell you to stop being lame.
Really, you are 21. What do you know about life? Nothing. Now that is not a problem. I'm 22 and I don't know nothing either. But it seems to me that you've drawn you conclusions on yourself and your life unaware of the fact that you know nothing yet.
Get the fuck out of wherever you are and broaden your fucking scope. Please
Um what? You just seem to be hating on everything in his post. Being depressed is not an activity. More often then not it's actually a chemical imbalance in your brain or a recurring subconscious thought. Definitely not something you can just "stop doing." I have major depressive disorder along with bipolar and just reading your post makes me think how close minded you are. While in the military the therapists there tried to tell me the same shit you're telling him. "Just go out and be happy. Force yourself to be happy. See the world in a better light." Unfortunately it's not that easy. You can't force yourself to look at things through a positive perspective all the time. And even if you manage it for any period of time it'll soon be replaced in the first place. It's much harder to be apathetic to emotions and events if you're dealing with depression. People mature faster for many many many reasons. Also, age is just a number. Because you're only 21 doesn't mean you don't know shit. Wisdom comes with experience and while that generally comes with age some people experience a lot more than others at a younger age.
I can relate to the op on almost everything, down to the T, the major difference probably is that my physical pain is seemingly much more mild than his and not always present, anyways, I completely agree with what you said, it's incredibly hard to focus on the positive aspects of things, it's something I have to try to do on a hour to hour basis as long as I am not taking refuge in pleasure (mostly games) and it's just so hard to always "remember" to do it all the time and then again, it doesn't always work..
On September 04 2012 15:09 Roe wrote: Back when I was a kid the older folks would say how I was wise and kind beyond my years. I never really wanted to make fart jokes, or to be mean to other kids. I seemed to understand empathy and decent behaviour. I was always trying to be mature. There was always something making me not take such a joke in humanity. Perhaps there was a bit of faux-intellectualism in my constant brooding, which was only reinforced by parents calling me "so thoughtful". All my friends' moms would be enthused with my intelligence and polite behaviour, and wished openly for their sons to be like me - much to my dismay and maybe later loss of company.
You just sound shy to me. Don't let the rose tinted glass change your perception of the slope too much. When I'm looking down from the top of a rollercoaster it always looks like a vertical drop.
As the years in university go by, (taking Psych major, and a handful of philosophy and computer programming courses) the fact that I don't have a grasp on a career is scaring me more and more. This only leads me to desire a burnout lifestyle rather than a stable, long term one with a steady career. And what purpose do I really have anyways? I won't be passing down my genes, the world will keep spinning and all I can think of keeping me alive is my parents and sister. For some reason I'm allowing myself to be shackled to their emotions, how could I let them down by leaving the world? How could I sadden them so? Yet living a destitute and impoverished life might lead them to more misery.
I think getting the first job is a good start. You seem to desire a family. I'm not old enough myself to know what lies ahead of me, but I just have hope that I'll find someone. I think you should have that hope too. I also don't have a job, but I feel more confident due to 2 internships now that I have a good chance of getting one after graduation. This feeling may pass. I'm a pretty bad student. :-/
Aside from my parents also showing some signs of aging, they're pretty healthy. And I just sleep a lot. I can't really complain like you can about that.
Growing up and living in a place which imposes no demands on you is all good and fine for someone with their own aspirations, but in my case there's been a lack of vision since I sunk into depression several years ago. If I did go traveling someplace I'd just end up depressed again, with no motivation to go out everyday and do something... How can I beat this, or is it just a part of me permanently?
Sometimes I just want to let loose, do a lot of drugs and wind up on the other side of town some days later. You know, just do something really crazy like ecstasy or LSD, something that'll knock your brain right out so you won't think like you did before. When you're someone who's been repressed for so long, it's amazing looking back and discovering what you kept hidden from yourself. My mind cements in its patterns as the years go by. I might not get to the core of my problems before I finally burst. Or worse yet, I may wait too long to unfasten my cemented mind.
I doubt I know what depression is. As long as you know not to do those drugs for the obvious reason that things can always get worse...
I know it's a regression to the immature, but I just don't want to go to back to school. I don't want to move back up to that small town with its crack dens and slums. Its yelling drunken lunatics in the middle of the night. Its insufferable cold. I don't want to be in a new house, a new room, with new room mates. I don't want to get old and broken. Fuck, I've wasted the past 10 years of my life, and it keeps going downhill. The most depressing part is that I'll probably just end up not doing anything about it and be perfectly content to watch my life degrade to a minimum wage job with no spare time living in a slum. Amazing how quickly you get old - it feels like yesterday I was a kid in high school just trying to get to the end of the year so I'd be free from responsibility. How ironic, now I want the time to move backwards.
I sometimes think life's only been moving downhill, then I think of my life as a kid, and whether I was really happier then. My parents used to fight every day when I was young. They often threatened to divorce, and though they never did I was always afraid of what my life would turn into if it did. I constantly got spanked and yelled at when I was young and the yellings never fully stopped. Even in high school I didn't do my assignments, I cheated once in Sophomore year and several times in Senior Year and only got decent grades due to grade inflation and the relatively low competition levels.
From day to day life I get the feeling I'm being boring and whiny. Sometimes it seems like all I talk about is depressing issues, so I've stopped talking to anyone about my lethargy and apathy. Still, my actions feel unrequited, my feelings without the care of another. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. All I can depend on is the knowledge that I've been through adversity before and gotten out alive. I just need to get my feelings out. Maybe sharing the stories of your growing up will help.
I feel the same about not talking to people about my lethargy. It's horrible. You want to talk about it, you want someone to stop you, but you're afraid that they'll know and will judge you and you're afraid that you'll burden them and that they won't care or that they can't help. But man is not an island. And often the only way to get better is to seek help.
Have you considered a change in nutrition? I feel like your health problems could be alleviated by having a healthier diet. Although you are a student, spending the time and planning on what you eat can play a major role in getting you back into a healthy state. Just keep working through your problems even though it is tough and if you still feel this way, there's no shame in receiving help from a professional if you really need it.
EPT
