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Have you ever been so mad and yet so depressed at the same time that you just want to destroy anything in sight, regardless of the pain? This is how I currently feel, this blog is really just a way for me to vent.
I hate myself, I don't even know who I am anymore.
I'm not where I want ot be in my life, I expected so much more of myself by now, I hate living paycheck to paycheck.
I'm still grieving over the death of my best friend who was MURDERED, the killer has not been found to this day, over one year later. I feel party responsible for this, he went out to a party but he contacted me the day he died, he said he'd rather just hang out with me instead of going to the party...I told him I didn't want to associate with him when he was on Drugs...how high and mighty of me right? He died that same day and the last thing I told him was that I didn't want to associate with druggies. What the fuck is wrong with me? I should have been there for him as a best friend should.
My knuckles hurt, I'm a terrible person.
 
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Go for a run or go work out, both are great for this, especially with music.
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its not your fault! whats past is past and no more.. he probably would want you to live your life on and be happy... Live you life for the him, the life he couldnt have!
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Hindsight is 20/20, bro. I would've done the same thing in your situation, and probably felt just as bad after realizing what happened. In regards to your station in life, you probably didn't have much choice given the economy. Just work hard to succeed or wait out the bad times, take your pick.
But as for you being a terrible person, well, that's a lie. No one is a completely terrible person. At some point in your life, at some time, you made a difference in someone for the better. A world without you is a terrible place. The impact even one man has is something hard for many to understand.
The impact of that person leaving, even more so.
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On June 29 2012 11:44 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote:
Hindsight is 20/20, bro. I would've done the same thing in your situation, and probably felt just as bad after realizing what happened. In regards to your station in life, you probably didn't have much choice given the economy. Just work hard to succeed or wait out the bad times, take your pick.
But as for you being a terrible person, well, that's a lie. No one is a completely terrible person. At some point in your life, at some time, you made a difference in someone for the better. A world without you is a terrible place. The impact even one man has is something hard for many to understand.
The impact of that person leaving, even more so.
Pretty much this. As for living paycheck by paycheck I believe that is normal until you get into like your 30's or something. I know my whole family pretty much has gone down that route until they got into their 30's it seemed like, same with my friends family as well. Maybe not idk but unfortunately it's pretty normal to have a period of your life living paycheck to paycheck which sucks.
I wouldn't say you are a terrible person either, I can understand why you said that doesn't make you a dick it's just unfortunate that happened at the party though and I would probably feel the same as you 
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Sounds like you're at a critical point. There's been some tragedy and bad luck for you, I can see that, and I'm sorry to hear it. Things haven't been going so well. My general opinion about life is it doesn't necessarily get better by itself. You can't just wait for things to improve, it's best to actively do something about it.
Take a look at the choices you've made in your life - everything from what you eat, what you do, how you relate to people. If you want a different outcome to the one you have now change something. Do things differently, and try to imagine the way life would be if it were good. You can start anywhere, maybe just change the time you go to bed. Honestly, it's amazing what an early night can do for your morale and self esteem. Every time you say you are going to do something, and you do it, you feel better so it's important to keep the promises you make to yourself.
Easier said that done, but at the end of the day shaking things up is all you can do when you're in a rut. Hope it all works out for you.
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You should track down and kill the murderer Max Payne style.
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You might have been the only person telling him to stop taking drugs. He was being murdered already. If he hadn't been, he would have murdered himself eventually.
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Yes I've done this. 3 times.
Two times I've punched my monitor. All that did was fix a stuck pixel and make only one half of the sound bar work.
I've also thrown my chair at the wall. Needless to say, I have 2 holes in the wall.
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There's a good chance he was murdered because he was doing drugs. Sorry though.
Don't break your monitor.
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After the third time punching my wall I learned my lesson and wont do it again lol. I'm sorry to hear about your ordeal, shit sometimes happens tt
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United States10492 Posts
I'm sorry for your loss. But please, find some strength within yourself. Your friend wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. Don't kill yourself over this.
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If you punch a hole in the wall make sure there aren't any studs behind it.
Or you could just go down my route and take a pillow and fuck up your bed.
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I didn't expect so many replies, thanks you guys.
Our community is amazing.
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Sorry dude.
Not being rude at all, but a therapist sounds like it would help you a lot
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On June 30 2012 00:43 Hawk wrote:
Sorry dude.
Not being rude at all, but a therapist sounds like it would help you a lot
Yeah...I just had a bit of a breakdown and I wanted to vent my innermost thoughts.
I've been to a therapist before, it's not something that really helps me all too much.
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On June 29 2012 12:06 superbarnie wrote:
You should track down and kill the murderer Max Payne style.
Make a Kill Bill style Death List!
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EPT
