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Break. Everything.

Blogs > NoctemSC
Post a Reply
NoctemSC
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
United States771 Posts
June 29 2012 01:27 GMT
#1
Have you ever been so mad and yet so depressed at the same time that you just want to destroy anything in sight, regardless of the pain? This is how I currently feel, this blog is really just a way for me to vent.

I hate myself, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I'm not where I want ot be in my life, I expected so much more of myself by now, I hate living paycheck to paycheck.

I'm still grieving over the death of my best friend who was MURDERED, the killer has not been found to this day, over one year later. I feel party responsible for this, he went out to a party but he contacted me the day he died, he said he'd rather just hang out with me instead of going to the party...I told him I didn't want to associate with him when he was on Drugs...how high and mighty of me right? He died that same day and the last thing I told him was that I didn't want to associate with druggies. What the fuck is wrong with me? I should have been there for him as a best friend should.

My knuckles hurt, I'm a terrible person.

****
http://www.twitch.tv/noctemsc <--Most epic fun times
Sprungjeezy
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
United States1313 Posts
June 29 2012 01:31 GMT
#2
Go for a run or go work out, both are great for this, especially with music.
pigtheman
Profile Joined January 2009
United States333 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-06-29 02:12:30
June 29 2012 02:12 GMT
#3
its not your fault! whats past is past and no more.. he probably would want you to live your life on and be happy... Live you life for the him, the life he couldnt have!
*rawr* d(^_^d)
AnachronisticAnarchy
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States2957 Posts
June 29 2012 02:44 GMT
#4
Hindsight is 20/20, bro. I would've done the same thing in your situation, and probably felt just as bad after realizing what happened. In regards to your station in life, you probably didn't have much choice given the economy. Just work hard to succeed or wait out the bad times, take your pick.

But as for you being a terrible person, well, that's a lie. No one is a completely terrible person. At some point in your life, at some time, you made a difference in someone for the better. A world without you is a terrible place. The impact even one man has is something hard for many to understand.

The impact of that person leaving, even more so.
"How are you?" "I am fine, because it is not normal to scream in pain."
blade55555
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
United States17423 Posts
June 29 2012 02:55 GMT
#5
On June 29 2012 11:44 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote:
Hindsight is 20/20, bro. I would've done the same thing in your situation, and probably felt just as bad after realizing what happened. In regards to your station in life, you probably didn't have much choice given the economy. Just work hard to succeed or wait out the bad times, take your pick.

But as for you being a terrible person, well, that's a lie. No one is a completely terrible person. At some point in your life, at some time, you made a difference in someone for the better. A world without you is a terrible place. The impact even one man has is something hard for many to understand.

The impact of that person leaving, even more so.


Pretty much this. As for living paycheck by paycheck I believe that is normal until you get into like your 30's or something. I know my whole family pretty much has gone down that route until they got into their 30's it seemed like, same with my friends family as well. Maybe not idk but unfortunately it's pretty normal to have a period of your life living paycheck to paycheck which sucks.

I wouldn't say you are a terrible person either, I can understand why you said that doesn't make you a dick it's just unfortunate that happened at the party though and I would probably feel the same as you
When I think of something else, something will go here
DRTnOOber
Profile Blog Joined February 2012
New Zealand476 Posts
June 29 2012 03:04 GMT
#6
Sounds like you're at a critical point. There's been some tragedy and bad luck for you, I can see that, and I'm sorry to hear it. Things haven't been going so well. My general opinion about life is it doesn't necessarily get better by itself. You can't just wait for things to improve, it's best to actively do something about it.

Take a look at the choices you've made in your life - everything from what you eat, what you do, how you relate to people. If you want a different outcome to the one you have now change something. Do things differently, and try to imagine the way life would be if it were good. You can start anywhere, maybe just change the time you go to bed. Honestly, it's amazing what an early night can do for your morale and self esteem. Every time you say you are going to do something, and you do it, you feel better so it's important to keep the promises you make to yourself.

Easier said that done, but at the end of the day shaking things up is all you can do when you're in a rut. Hope it all works out for you.
But I'm off creep... and so I slow down, what are hellions doing here? I don't belong here...
Deleted User 255289
Profile Joined March 2012
281 Posts
June 29 2012 03:06 GMT
#7
You should track down and kill the murderer Max Payne style.
Zerg OP | CreansRNub | k-Poop | Zerg OP | Sea lions | \\m//
Jerubaal
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
United States7684 Posts
June 29 2012 03:12 GMT
#8
You might have been the only person telling him to stop taking drugs. He was being murdered already. If he hadn't been, he would have murdered himself eventually.
I'm not stupid, a marauder just shot my brain.
iTzSnypah
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
United States1738 Posts
June 29 2012 03:49 GMT
#9
Yes I've done this. 3 times.

Two times I've punched my monitor. All that did was fix a stuck pixel and make only one half of the sound bar work.
I've also thrown my chair at the wall. Needless to say, I have 2 holes in the wall.
Team Liquid needs more Terrans.
obesechicken13
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States10467 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-06-29 03:58:46
June 29 2012 03:58 GMT
#10
There's a good chance he was murdered because he was doing drugs. Sorry though.

Don't break your monitor.
I think in our modern age technology has evolved to become more addictive. The things that don't give us pleasure aren't used as much. Work was never meant to be fun, but doing it makes us happier in the long run.
cmen15
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United States1519 Posts
June 29 2012 05:13 GMT
#11
After the third time punching my wall I learned my lesson and wont do it again lol. I'm sorry to hear about your ordeal, shit sometimes happens tt
Greed leads to just about all losses.
FlaShFTW
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States10107 Posts
June 29 2012 06:19 GMT
#12
I'm sorry for your loss. But please, find some strength within yourself. Your friend wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. Don't kill yourself over this.
Writer#1 KT and FlaSh Fanboy || Woo Jung Ho Never Forget || Teamliquid Political Decision Desk
TL+ Member
Antimatterz
Profile Blog Joined October 2010
United States1010 Posts
June 29 2012 07:31 GMT
#13
If you punch a hole in the wall make sure there aren't any studs behind it.

Or you could just go down my route and take a pillow and fuck up your bed.
"HotBid [11:45 AM]: i dunno i kinda like the big muta shooting smaller mutas out"
NoctemSC
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
United States771 Posts
June 29 2012 09:55 GMT
#14
I didn't expect so many replies, thanks you guys.
Our community is amazing.
http://www.twitch.tv/noctemsc <--Most epic fun times
QuanticHawk
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
United States32045 Posts
June 29 2012 15:43 GMT
#15
Sorry dude.

Not being rude at all, but a therapist sounds like it would help you a lot
PROFESSIONAL GAMER - SEND ME OFFERS TO JOIN YOUR TEAM - USA USA USA
NoctemSC
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
United States771 Posts
June 29 2012 23:14 GMT
#16
On June 30 2012 00:43 Hawk wrote:
Sorry dude.

Not being rude at all, but a therapist sounds like it would help you a lot

Yeah...I just had a bit of a breakdown and I wanted to vent my innermost thoughts.
I've been to a therapist before, it's not something that really helps me all too much.
http://www.twitch.tv/noctemsc <--Most epic fun times
ninazerg
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States7291 Posts
June 29 2012 23:28 GMT
#17
On June 29 2012 12:06 superbarnie wrote:
You should track down and kill the murderer Max Payne style.


Make a Kill Bill style Death List!
"If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mecha-battle between two unborn babies." - Fyodor Dostoevsky
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