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Mixed feelings after a demoralizing day

Blogs > bOneSeven
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bOneSeven
Profile Blog Joined January 2012
Romania685 Posts
June 20 2012 20:11 GMT
#1
Before spewing this wall of sh*t text I would like to state that I know that everything that happens to me is directly correlated to my actions so I'm fully responsible of my situation, I'm just having a weird day I guess.

So let's do a list of my pseudo-problems which rather bother me and really demoralize me:

- first off, lack of motivation....this is horrible, maybe it's just a simply "chemical imbalance" ( guess I'm wrongly using these words ), by that I mean that maybe I lack a good diet/exercise program, some vitamins and maybe even some chemicals who would balance my brain activity maybe, who is, by mainstream science directly correlated I guess. ( I have a bit of "hate" towards science because, even tho it is the best model accessible to us today, it also creates holes in our understandings, that takes actually people dying from old age for the current scientifical paradigm to change, this happens mostly in social sciences )

- my mind is apparently out of sync with my body .... How can I explain this.... hmm, for example let's take a fight between me and x. I shout at the guy ( I'm not really mad at all, I'm just seeing that it is purely impossible to communicate with x with a calm voice because he is shouting and obviously can't hear me, so sadly I have to shout myself ): In my mind, I'm rather calm and I think normal peaceful reasonable thoughts, but my body is almost shaking kind of.

- Instinct to do stuff you don't really want/respect. Let's take masturbation for example. Everybody does it, dunno why it is taboo, it only seems to me that the fact that is suppressed information, I believe that more fetishes are created by the suppression that is layed on it. Getting back to it, I don't really feel like doing it, but I guess sometimes I do it every day just because I didn't do it and my mind tells me it's a habbit you should follow. Never in excess, but the fact to it is simply that I do it when I don't really want to do it ( this would happen once a day ).
More to this instict b.s . So I don't really like any girl that much to actually ask "her" on a date, because for some reason I completely idealise myself and my "future" girlfriend. By myself, I'm probably wrong, I just don't feel like I'm ready to give out a really really good partner to the other girl. My body is decent, I'm rather cute, and I'm only slightly fat ( got about 6 or 7 killos over the norm of my preferable weight - then again, I guess I would whey more if I would do some body building, but I'm not really into that, plus I'm 1.90 so it's not that bad ). But I feel like my personality is not fit to please and help evolve another human being ( I believe that being in a relationship is a very VERY serious thing because if you are in a bad relationship, you only degrade your personality and your mate's as well ). I've seen way to many of my friends being stuck with the wrong person and eventually degrading themselves along the way - most reason why I gave up on a lot of friendships because it felt it would not help neither me or them.
So it is this girl that is quite cute, but I don't really like her that much, so my monkey mind, just like about masturbation, tells me to go for it and gives me a pseudo-feeling of liking her. This is really confusing, because I have been in love and it's not that.

- School is so so so boring and gives me no motivation. I'm in 2nd year of international affairs and now I have 5 more exams to pass, and 2 of them are rather difficult. Really breaks my spirit - is that to cheezy to say ? mb it is. Also I have been to this recap just 2 hours ago, and it was 4 hours nonstop of things I hardly understand.

- Current physical health-state : not that great, not that bad. I have this weird feeling in my throath, like mb a nod or whatever for a while now and I won't go see another doctor because I went to some, and they are all incompetent guessing morons dressed in white coats. Anyways I'm slowly feeling better, tho it would be great to be in 100% perfect health shape. I'll try to set up a date with the romanian "House", his waiting list is beyond many months ( In Romania, that is a lot, believe me ), but my mom knows him and I guess I'm gonna be alright.
Also, I woke out today, and my mind and eyes were so tired...I guess it's from sleeping with my headphones on listening to podcasts..Maybe my brain didn't get to rest.
My goal for my health, is removing this throat issues and really improving my cardio. I would like a develop a beasty cardio, I don't care about the rest ( mb I'm wrong ), I guess I think that good cardio would also improve my mental state.

Let's do a self analysis on my personality ( yeah...most likely I'm wrong since I judge myself ). I like to believe I'm open-minded, understanding, peaceful and introspective. My cons I guess would be my huge huge ego and sometimes, moronic hypocrisy.My financial situation is rather shaky so I guess that might also affect me negatively, but If I go to work, I don't think the money would actually help me. That would only happen if the people I would work with, would be reasonable smart human beings, which, people like that are extremely rare this days - yeah, my huge ego again.

Let's say something retarded: Whenever I look at my reflection in the mirror/windows or whatever I kept thinking...."Pff, I've been dealt such a tremendous "deal of cards" and I'm wasting it all". Even tho my financial system is rather below average ( from a western society point of view, I know I'm living way better than most of the world ), I believe money would be the last thing that would actually help me grow. It's an illusion, if I was rich, I would probably be fat, having many fake friends, maybe a fake girlfriend, and probably no sanity. Also, it might be again my ego talking, but from whenever I was aware of myself, and mostly in my teens, most people would look up to me and place me to be having a huge potential to be something "great" whatever it might be. Get this, at the end of the highschool, from my Romanian language teacher, while people received normal goodbye cards with for sure, lesser cheezy messages, mine said something like, I'm gonna sum it because I don't remember, but it said something that I'm maybe building to be something great in life. All these people that looked up to me and place high potential in my evolution are really weird to me because even tho I have a huge ego, I find myself to be nothing more special than an average lazy boy who is a bit alienated by modern culture and society. It always also messes up my mind when a lot of girls get into me, and then they seem to have kind of a repulsion for me because I don't really acknowledge them. This happens almost every single time when I spend time with girls, just to be friends, nothing more, maybe 9 out 10.

Any existential ideology would tell me I'm extremely lucky to be here, and I should be extremely grateful that I'm here, because, well, science tells me my chances of being here actually 10 to infinity ( i can't speak of mathematics in english, I'm probably expressing myself wrongly ). I'm not a nihilist, but lately I've been really lacking motivation and for some reason, a sense of purpose.

I know, I know....I'm in a way way better situation than most people in the world but that doesn't help my stupid monkey body to feel good. I doubt many people would read this, but I guess, it's out there now and it will be a funny read for any1 with a brain and sense of humor. Just because I'm feeling a bit sad, doesn't mean I don't see what a bunch of nonsense moronic thing I just wrote...Oh well...I can't change the fact that I'm like this so I guess I'll have to deal with it, and you'll have to deal with it if you give a damn.

Peace out!

PS: Such a big b.s that you can't get good drugs legaly :D ( I would totally use a night out on some mdma ). Also some good shrooms would be good, but I'm really not trusting any people who risking their freedom to deal "drugs".

Eh,eh...I guess a good night sleep, if I get rested alright, would do my very good, and I hope I pass my exam in 2 days from now with a decent grade..

***
Planet earth is blue and there's nothing I can do
bOneSeven
Profile Blog Joined January 2012
Romania685 Posts
June 20 2012 20:38 GMT
#2
Oh god this blog is horrible I can't even describe it...anyways, won't remove because it is a good source for me to see my stupidity atm...But I am honest about what I wrote...I can't help laughing about it tho while also sighing a bit. Ohoh....This Applied Statistics in Political Science is so so horrible, I don't understand a bit and I'm thinking I'm gonna fail this exam without help..damn.
Planet earth is blue and there's nothing I can do
nath
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States1788 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-06-20 22:43:30
June 20 2012 22:42 GMT
#3
sounds like you are going through adolescence.

also your signature screams 'faux intellectual'.
Founder of Flow Enterprises, LLC http://flow-enterprises.com/
Vod.kaholic
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States1052 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-06-20 23:49:43
June 20 2012 23:41 GMT
#4
Man...that is a lot of stuff to throw out there.

Ok, if you want to see some improvement in your mental state, I'd suggest reading up on some of the following things:

1) this blog: http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/
I don't know how most other people feel about him, and he definitely writes for what he perceives as the problems of an American audience, but some of the insights are valuable. There are a lot of posts on there, and I'd suggest you start with the most recent one about Amy Schumer and continue with the narcissism posts under "Categories." Personally, reading and thinking about this blog led me to a few insights about myself and it could be helpful for you too. Just take what he says with a pinch of salt.

2) Find something that will humble you. Personally, I found dancing, which led me to discover that no matter how great I thought I was, that I needed people around me and they needed me. In fact, putting yourself in any social situation where you have to rely on others who are passionate for a common interest is great. But mind you, just being in school and going to classes doesn't cut it, nor does hanging out with friends always cut it. It has to be something you're passionate about, some social hobby that you absolutely want to do. It's going to take time to find, but it will be worth it, and as you try things you'll learn more about yourself.

Reflect on yourself, reflect on what thelastpsychiatrist blog has to say, and try to connect with people.

EDIT: Oh shit, right, the one thing I forgot to mention. Look into this: http://www.reddit.com/r/nofap
I'm not saying you have to jump straight into this and start doing it right away. In fact, I'd say keep studying for your exam, and then take a look at all the stuff I said/linked. But anyway, about nofap:
3) Yeah, masturbation is natural, but really look at your "habits" and see if they're actually interfering with the rest of your life. My view on nofap is that a lot of people jump into it as an "experiment," just to see what will happen, and they most have massive cravings within the first week and cave, achieving very little. But hey, this sounds like it would indeed be a new thing for you, so you should give it a shot, but know that if you truly intend to change this habit that the will and desire for it will have to come from within. You have to really want it, you have to want to change if you think it will be better for you.
._. \: |: /: .-. :\ :| :/ ._. They see me rolling...
FFGenerations
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
7088 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-06-20 23:46:18
June 20 2012 23:45 GMT
#5
this kinda shit will happen when you have no daily focus that provides an ongoing feeling of satisfaction

none of the shit you're analysing/worrying about really matters one jot - the problem is that you're analysing/overthinking it all in the first place

you wont have this issue if you feel more fulfilled.

i suggest you start going to the gym; it seems to provide the ongoing emotional support/rewards you're looking for.

come to the TLHF http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/index.php?show_part=63

currently i am trying to do some nature of exercise EVERY day. doing it every day seems to really help me keep going and not getting stuck in a rut masturbating/lounging all day and resetting my emotional state back to zero.

Cool BW Music Vid - youtube.com/watch?v=W54nlqJ-Nx8 ~~~~~ ᕤ OYSTERS ᕤ CLAMS ᕤ AND ᕤ CUCKOLDS ᕤ ~~~~~~ ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ PUNCH HIM ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ
bOneSeven
Profile Blog Joined January 2012
Romania685 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-06-21 09:35:55
June 21 2012 09:28 GMT
#6
As I said before, I know these are small problems that affect my mind and body feel in a rut even tho my "rational" mind tells me to shut the fuck up, get up and do something but then again, it might just be the fact that I'm in this exams session and maybe even tho I don't like to admit, many exams put on a toll on your mind if you don't really feel like learning stuff you don't respect.

Also I'm a strong believer ( based on what? no real science, then again, science changes everyday so who cares ) that time has the weird effect on things. So I truly believe ( atm at least ) that you merely have moments of high and lows based on thing western science really didn't experiment with, because of the fact you can't really touch or affect time. Of course this is not my idea, there are a bunch of very smart guys who had some really interesting points about this idea and I loved it from the start, because it explains a bunch of stuff western science failed in explaining us; it also has roots in eastern mysticism so, that's pretty cool.

Damn, I really gotta get up on my feet ( so so so cheezy ) after I finish these moderately easy but boring exams.

nath you are very mean haha. My signature is fairly logical. Culture is not you're friend so...... Getting stuck in the cultural dream would eventually bring you into a state of insanity. Troll or just hater ? Damn...I was looking at the definition of faux intellectual and rarely did I try to be like whatever.... Hehe.

Everybody has high and lows, I guess we gotta ride them out....and not hate on people =D.
Planet earth is blue and there's nothing I can do
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