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It’s always at 3am in the morning when I lie on my mattress trying to sleep that I feel the most motivated. It’s when I’m thinking about tomorrow when I feel the most hope for the future. I can sit there and think “tomorrow I will swim more laps at a faster pace” or “tomorrow I will sit down and study for 8 hours” or “tomorrow I will go out and make more friends”. I get frustrated and start thinking to myself “ If you really wanted those things you would fall asleep right now so tomorrow will come and you can start doing them”. In the background of these thoughts, the steadying bass line to these optimistic melodies is “you think these things every night, but in the morning nothing will change.
Well lo and be fucking hold I woke up this morning to the sound of my alarm at 11. I walk like a zombie, not truly awake, over to the alarm to shut it off before collapsing back into my bed. There I lay with my eyes shut for another hour, not willing to get up and start my day. Soon I grab my laptop and bring it over to my bed, resolving only to check my Facebook before getting up and going to the gym.
Facebook turns into YouTube videos, facebook poker, and starcraft streams. Throughout the next hour and a half of wasting time on the internet I think “just one more video, you’re wasting your time. Eventually I break away from the screen and get into the shower. It is 1:30 in the afternoon, I have spent 2 and a half hours away accomplishing nothing but making myself feel shitty.
I know a lot of people at this point will think “oh there’s his problem, internet addiction”. Yeah I’ve already diagnosed myself with this. I think the defining problem of my life is my relationship with dopamine. I love the high I get when I accomplish something, when I win. The problem is, I think this makes me extremely susceptible to the lurid charms of the internet that also give you that little hit of dopamine. Watching youtube videos, and browsing reddit, for me is an experience akin to taking a drug. I consume media and feel good and don’t worry about my problems for a little bit. After a small session, I have a slight headache and feel kind of unmotivated. After a long binge, like the one I indulged in last Sunday, where I sat in bed and watching tv shows, browsed reddit, browsed youtube, and played facebook poker, for 13 hours, I feel myself sliding into the feelings of depression and self-hatred I’m prone to when I allow myself to act in this way
Thankfully today I was smart enough to get out of my fucking house, which is the worst place for me when I get like this. I went to the gym and sat in the steam room massaging myself with Vicks vapor rub to try and relieve a cough I have had. Shout out to my body , that was sick timing giving me a cough while I was already feeling depressed, mental and physical. It’s like I got dropped in my main while being pushed at my front T T . Also side note, massaging yourself with Vicks vapor rub in the steam room feels really trippy, because it makes you feel cool while you’re in a heat environment. I got out when I read on the label not to mix it with hot water because the resulting solution can cause burns, so it may be unsafe, but definitely a cool sensation.
I drove to my school because I was going to try to force myself to do school work, but when I opened up word I just started writing this. I actually feel better doing this so good move I guess.
Sometimes I feel like a high performance machine. I capable of doing exceptional things, but I’m so prone to breakdowns and am really high maintenance. When everything’s clicking and flowing together I’m awesome, exercise feels so good, I attack my work, everyone’s my friend. I guess the victory condition for my life is doing the actions that put me into that physical and mental state. I know how to the win the game, I just have to play right.
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I used to be like that, but you have to just look on the bright side, one day, everything will be better. I'm not sure what to do with the depression, sometimes you just have to rant to let it out; it feels good after you're done.
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I feel much the same way about a lot of things you described. Those moments before you sleep where everything is doable and those great plans are made. I think the dopamine 'addiction' you mentioned is probably a common thing for this generation. I mean, just look at how we entertain ourselves. It would be some kind of miracle if we weren't dependent on these quick-release mood changers. I guess the key is, like everything, to maintain some balance between work and recreation. Once the recreation ceases to become a break from your work and becomes a lifestyle of its own, then it loses a lot of its value.
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Wow, you basically described how I almost always feel.
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For starters, I'd definitely suggest going to sleep earlier. I usually go to bed around 10, watch netflix for an hour, then attempt to go to sleep around 11. Usually works.
On the weekends (i.e.: when I don't have to get up to go to work), I stay up till 1-2 just messing around.
What I've discovered is that when I get a full night's rest and wake up at a reasonable hour, my energy level and mood are both comparatively higher than when I waste time at one and two in the morning.
Idk, I had to deal with apathy coming out of my teens...so, I kinda know where you're coming from.
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I'm exactly the same.. my life has become a broken record for doing things I said I wouldn't do, or not doing things I said I would...
My biggest problem is going to bed early and waking up early, I like to stay up late (anytime between 4-6am) and then I HATE sleeping most of the day, but if this happens, I'll wake up at 2pm. Most of my university classes are in the afternoon, I work for a catering company so all my work shifts are after 4pm..
I came to the conclusion that IF I was doing well at university (keeping up with work), eating well, and (exercising? just being active is sufficient for me), I wouldn't feel like shit. But it's because I'm neglecting responsibilities that i KNOW are important to me, that sleeping until 2pm makes me feel like shit...
For me it's mostly a stimulation issue, i'm pretty bored in life right now, i had a gf for 2 years then we broke up, then my 3 closest mates all got girlfriends and have been with them for a year (which is all sweet, but boring for the single mate), university is boring as fuck but im in my final year and just need to get it done..
I watch anime's a lot and envy their 'destiny' how they have one sole purpose and to achieve it is their passion - unfortunately im just limping along waiting for something exciting to happen.
anyway, i blogged to your blog, i know how you feel - for what its worth, if you do something that u';ve been nagging urself to do it you feel a lot better - just regularly do smaller things.
e.g i'm cleaning my room now (but i saw this post), and doing washing coz my rooms trashed as fuck. soon it will be clean and i'll feel good about myself.....
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Just literally resolve to do any one thing the next day, even if it's the most mundane and pointless thing like taking the trash out. If you do it, feel glad that you set a goal and accomplished it. If not, don't feel guilty or beat yourself up, just try again the next day. At the same time, pick one thing you weren't happy about that day and try to not make the same mistake the next day. You're simply not used to setting or accomplishing goals because like most of us, you never really HAD to before. It's easy to get down when you do something wrong, you actually have to practice doing things right and feeling good about it. This has been my strategy to get myself out a of a similar slump the past few months, and yes it's tough, but it gets easier. Remember, life isn't about where you are, it's where you can go.
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I think what needs to change for you is your outlook here. Instant gratification is just not as good as long term happiness, write a post it note on your desktop every day, read it, then do it, start small and work up. One time its going to be, go to bed a little earlier, maybe 15 min, the next it will be make this food tomorrow, and make it spontaneous and break this addiction, eventually you will work yourself up to getting out of the house and thus you will win 
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Since you're still in school, I assume you're in the late teens/early 20s range. You have so much time ahead of you to do what you want and do what you need to do to feel successful. I was in the same sort of slump after I finished school and moved to a new place where I knew no one else. I kept telling myself that I was going to get up the next day and do something worthwhile...for a couple of months I decided to take a nightly run to get myself out and active. It was so much easier to do something productive later in the day or at night because my sleep schedule was so off that I couldn't possibly sleep before 3-4am each night. Once I got into this habit and started feeling good about something I started to adjust my sleep schedule by 30 mins each day. I did anything possibly to make myself completely exhausted just so I could sleep sooner and wake up earlier the next day.
If you feel isolated, and you are willing to step outside of your comfort zone some, start meeting people randomly at school that you don't know already. For me, I would start a new semester and force myself to not look for familiar faces the first few days and would sit next to a stranger that looked like they would be alright to talk with (often the cutest girl with an empty seat next to her :D). I suddenly found that I could talk with them about the class without any real effort...it wasn't weird or forced because we both had a similar experience and weren't on different pages in regards to school. It only takes that one step to put yourself in that position. I actually have extreme motivation sometimes and extreme procrastination at others. It's a terrible dichotomy and getting stuck in a rut turns into the feeling of complete worthlessness if you don't address it. If you need to feel completely tired and crappy for a day because your sleep schedule is jacked up, do it. It will pay off as early as a couple of days. Like I mentioned before, find situations where you can meet new people...humans are social animals and there is nothing more important to a healthy mindset than others around you. You don't need to go to the extreme and stand on the corner with a sign next to you saying "Free Hugs" or anything but make an attempt to change your setting.
As long as you dedicate a portion of your energy to something productive you will be in excellent shape. The only stone set in a person's life is their gravestone...you can change it anything you want now because unlike the words that appear on that stone, your story is not yet written. I've had to remind myself of this so many times...I sometimes feel like I won't ever actually reach the goals I've laid out before myself. One night recently I made the decision that I was simply sick of feeling mediocre when I knew I was better. I know what I want to do and the relationships I want to have and I've put myself in seemingly uncomfortable positions to meet new people and move forward. I can't explain how much of a help it has been. Exploit the fact that there are tons of people your age around you and get that machine churning...if you want that dopamine high, this is the way to do it.
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I have a friend who is in the same boat. He knows exactly what he should do and how to get out of this shit. But somehow he doesn't. He is so fucking unmotivated that I get angry at him. Lately he started losing last bits of his principals and morals, he is in a rock bottom. I'm not sure how to help him. Your situation is not as bad. But I'd suggest, dont delay actions, start working on the problem. You seem to be well aware of the situation and you know what needs to be done.
Just do it. Overcome your weaknesses. Make a list, program, or whatever. Put yourself on a right track.
My life isn't perfect either, I just recently started working on it to make it better. Life is precious, you have it only once. Care about it, squeeze out of it as much as you can.
GL.
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the first steps are by far the hardest , i think. i can usually go to bed / electric off by midnight or 11pm (used to be 3-5am), and will try for 10.30pm or 10pm soon in the future. this is after telling myself , day after day, that watching starcraft is just "pleasure" and not a requirement for me, etc etc. it starts off rough as hell, coz it is an addiction/craving and you are so fearful and reluctant to leave it, but you get comfortable with the new thing very quickly, especially since it yields a result.
i would happily go to bed at midnight and wake up at 9am, but fucked if that actually works. ive been trying to sleep at 11pm and getting out of bed at 11am lately, electric off inbetween, due to disturbed slumber.
i have a list of things written down on my desk that i can do INSTEAD of internet. these things have some significance to me , and include stuff like "guitar gym sleep eat clean shower cream tablets protein laundry run stretch study smile". helps a bit with re-composition of your wasted time.
you're not alone guys, it blows and never ends
edit: i think itd help if people who have "routines" could post them... like how do you get out of bed and awake and doing something in the morning? do you have a "no internet before X policy" etc?
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Get rid of your computer and only use a smart phone. If you have to type something long, use a public space, such as a library.
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EPT
