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Updates, and self loathing.

Blogs > samscraft
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samscraft
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
United Kingdom65 Posts
March 15 2012 18:23 GMT
#1
Im back with more random stories and updates for everyone

I would like to idealy cover 3 topics inside this post and they are:
1) fighting your inner demons
2) Dealing with hate and anger issues.
3) the updates section.

So lets begin shall we?

Dealing with your inner demons?

Well for me this has been dealing with manic depression, anger bursts, frequent violent outbursts and last but not least being a complete douche sometimes, during this i will discuss things that affected me, how these affected me as a person and people around me, Its the harsh truth i realised but i wish to share my experiences and help those with the same issues.

Depression:

This affects a very large amount of people around the world and is something that is extremely hard to beat depending how far into the darkness you are, and of course the things that made this depression come up in the first place, for me it was losing the 1 girl that i loved for so long, she was my life, my dream and my soul mate.

I spent many days and nights crying i still do, She will still be in my heart forever, i miss her everyday and not being with her just makes fighting harder, But anyway, one of the main things i do to fight this suppression is just be with those that care for you (family or friends) as they are the important people you should be with during any times of disregard or sadness.

Of course there are other ways around it, by doing anything that you like that stops any thought processes about, for everyone else this is pretty easy to do, but for someone like me that prefers being alone and finds it hard to find anything enjoyable. all that will be explained later in the blog.

Anger bursts:

If you knew me in real life you would know i have quite bad anger issues with allot of things, I have no idea why or where this violent anger came from in my life, just after i turned 16/17 many years ago i noticed i used to start getting allot angrier then i ever noticed, it controls allot of separate parts of my life.

I say this because it stops me from being with or near people, everyone has different "Triggers" that can set off anger issues the trouble with that is finding them and finding ways around them, in the past i have been called a monster, a heartless dick-head and much worse things, heck i've even had people wish me be dead, for which i don't blame them.

It scares me myself as i have spent along time alone, trying my hardest to avoid people for the sole reason i can't control myself when i start getting angry, even with help it just doesn't get through to me, Again the ways around this i found were simple: find your triggers, stay with people who you trust and will be their with you throughout the whole process as it's not an easy fight in any persons mind.

Violent out-bursts

These were mainly from my childhood, when i was an angry out of control little punk, i hurt allot of people growing up, members of my family, my best friends, and my brothers, I have potentially been one of the most vile humans i could have been if i'm going to be perfectly honest with everyone, i have never been proud of myself and i never will be.

As an example: i completely broke / fractured 3 of my cousins fingers because she tried having a go at me when i was all ready in an extremely pissed off mood since that day happened my family has gradually fallen apart day by day, to the point where i don't even talk to anyone inside my family anymore as i feel they dis-own me and don't want me as there son for which i do not blame them at all.

I have yet to find a way around violent anger issues, if anyone has help then feel free to let me know as i wish to deal with these things as soon as i can.

Dealing with hate and anger issues

as said previously i have massive issues when it comes to anger as you would have been able to tell by reading through it all properly, i make myself cry sometimes with how vile i am, on the internet i'm a different person like everyone else is, i'm someone that helps people, is kind and friendly and all that jazz.

Anyway back on track, i think generally i have spent most of the 21 years i've been alive angry, at the world, at other people and at my friends, when i should not be as they are not to blame for all the fuck ups i have made and all the trouble i have caused, but anger is not something that is easily fought, as i fight daily when dealing with people at lectures or at work to keep it calm and relaxed.

and then sometimes i just want to beat the crap out of people which is fun i had to admit, but its also the stupid choice to do, i am a strong person as i've done allot of training in the past, this ties in with the hate issue, i have allot of hate built into my body and personality from all those who have tried to damage and ruin my life even further, or even those who have tried and stopped me from trying to recover myself from the issues i have.

Hate is not something i like to discuss as it comes in many forms to different people, We can define hate as "Intense hatred or intense feelings of aversion of people, or extreme hostility towards certain people", which is all the forms of hate i feel and deal with personally, Anyway, back to the speak of triggers.

Finding ways around the "Triggers" that start fits of anger or hate are difficult as there is always some smart cunt who just wishes more pain on you, which is why being careful and taking your time is one of things i do most, relying on true friends only, not those who use you and treat you like shit.

I avoid my family at all costs, as i would preferably rather be dead then speaking with any of them ever again after my past.

The updates section

Firstly i will be changing my skype address in the up-coming weeks, along with facebook, twitter, my own personal website and a few other different contact methods.

Secondly I have gone back into the world of FPS championships, currently i am just training again but hopefully soon i wish to be taking part in big events, and for anyone who's interested (CSS, COD) games are the basic ones i play on a daily basis in my spare time.

I am going to try and travel to as many MLG events as i can in the up-coming year so would be great to meet you all out there, and chat and stuff such as that.

I am happy to say i support Matthew "Looknohands" Fink in his event that he is hosting in 5-6 days time, he is a great man and an inspiration to me to keep building this community into something better and i hope more people support him he deserves it.

Shoutouts

Whitera - best mannered man alive.

Matthew fink - One of the greatest inspirational characters ive met in a long time.

Philip "slardar" akcasu - my ban brother, till we die brah <3

Archybaldy - A great friend, and a great man to talk to, keep at it bro.













***
Aint life great
cmen15
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United States1519 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-03-15 18:57:55
March 15 2012 18:45 GMT
#2
Hey man honestly the fact that you understand your problems and are admitting them makes you ahead of alot of people. As for the anger part I can't really comment on that cause i don't have the prob ha but the depression part i can. Over the last few years i have gone on and off with this and something that has helped me alot is appreciating the little things in life. It CAN be anything from saying" hey the weather today is great" to someone on TL asking you for your background(zeeque your the man). You have to try and always look at your cup half full!!! Id play some css with you if you wanted. Not that good anymore lol tho T.T

edit: thats cool ha was just trying to be nice : )
Greed leads to just about all losses.
samscraft
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
United Kingdom65 Posts
March 15 2012 18:53 GMT
#3
If i get time i can do random live streams of CSS practise and your more then welcome to join those, my usual practise is with the team only atm.
Aint life great
Boonbag
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
France3318 Posts
March 15 2012 19:09 GMT
#4
You're paranoid and you should seek some help
matiK23
Profile Joined May 2011
United States963 Posts
March 15 2012 19:40 GMT
#5
Good lord. I'd hate to see how you rage after getting cheesed on a game. Are you even supposed to be playing games with your state of mind?
Without a paddle up shit creek.
samscraft
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
United Kingdom65 Posts
March 15 2012 20:05 GMT
#6
Something about games chills me out, need to focus and concentrate so nothing else really bothers me when i play
Aint life great
matiK23
Profile Joined May 2011
United States963 Posts
March 15 2012 20:37 GMT
#7
Well that's good that video games make you concentrate and focus in the present time because I believe that is key to happiness. You'll notice that you don't focus on your past such as your ex or people that have pissed you off while you're playing games. It's hard to get rid of demons; I think they will always be there. People just have to ignore them like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind.
Without a paddle up shit creek.
MaV_gGSC
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
Canada1345 Posts
March 15 2012 21:23 GMT
#8
Sick shoutout to white ra :D
Life's good :D
samscraft
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
United Kingdom65 Posts
March 15 2012 21:35 GMT
#9
Always got to shout out the people you work for
Aint life great
FFGenerations
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
7088 Posts
March 15 2012 22:16 GMT
#10
dude watch some fucking kung fu movies where a guy is always trying to protect the weak from the strong and evil

you sound like you get off on hurting the weak , rather than getting off on protecting the underdog

if you are strong then you should learn how to use your power and mental focus on defending and protecting people and not bullying them
Cool BW Music Vid - youtube.com/watch?v=W54nlqJ-Nx8 ~~~~~ ᕤ OYSTERS ᕤ CLAMS ᕤ AND ᕤ CUCKOLDS ᕤ ~~~~~~ ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ PUNCH HIM ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ
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