EPTUncertain where it lay
Constructed in my mind
Killing mankind
So it goes
Laughs Billy Pilgrim
A way of life
Seared into the soul
Heroes and villains
Enemies and mates
Rea Gu, for his title, Genius waits
A Poem
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how
United States538 Posts
Uncertain where it lay Constructed in my mind Killing mankind So it goes Laughs Billy Pilgrim A way of life Seared into the soul Heroes and villains Enemies and mates Rea Gu, for his title, Genius waits | ||
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Astyanaxis
United States25 Posts
I like your ending couplet, though. That is a reference I understand, and the rhyme makes it sound very interesting and fulfilled. However, the first stanza might as well be in Greek. What was the thought? Why such a dire thought, "Killing mankind"? You also have an interesting Vonnegut and Slaughterhouse 5 reference, but I fail to see how it all connects together. Too much unanswered - no imagery - all stream of consciousness. What does it mean? What is it supposed to communicate? Why share poetry if it doesn't say anything? | ||
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hp.Shell
United States2527 Posts
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jrkirby
United States1510 Posts
On March 05 2012 15:15 hp.Shell wrote: I suppose we can only ask how. As in "How did he write this?" or "How, did he write this?" | ||
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Bibbit
Canada5377 Posts
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Tortious_Tortoise
United States944 Posts
Alas, the shorter a poem, the more careful the author must be to details. Personally, and take this with a grain of salt because it's just one opinion, I don't like "For twas" -- it sounds awkward to me. I don't like the word choice "Killing mankind" either. In the context of the poem, it seems to me a little over-emotional and oddly brutal for the tone of the poem. Finally, I'm torn on the "Heroes and villains" line. I don't like the content of the line-- it sounds odd to me, but I like the pace it creates-- the additional examples that lead to the final scrumptious couplet. EDIT: read the posts, saw the "fuck slasher" thing. This poem just became 9001 times more epic. 4/5 originally. 5/5 now. | ||
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how
United States538 Posts
On March 05 2012 14:56 Astyanaxis wrote: I don't quite understand. I like your ending couplet, though. That is a reference I understand, and the rhyme makes it sound very interesting and fulfilled. However, the first stanza might as well be in Greek. What was the thought? Why such a dire thought, "Killing mankind"? You also have an interesting Vonnegut and Slaughterhouse 5 reference, but I fail to see how it all connects together. Too much unanswered - no imagery - all stream of consciousness. What does it mean? What is it supposed to communicate? Why share poetry if it doesn't say anything? The first stanza refers to what I had thought about how genius must have felt after 1. Still not getting his title, and 2. losing after DRG came into his booth and waved his arms around. While it may have been a bit to much to but "killing mankind" it was what came to me as I constructed it, then it just stuck there, unwilling to be overtaken with any change. The second stanza is his thoughts after the fact. He clearly has not killed man kind and life goes on. The way of life that we all know, is doing what you can to win. You do not let your friend win because you feel bad for him. Even if you did, if it was found out there would be hell to pay to say the lease. On March 05 2012 17:34 mbr2321 wrote: I like the cute structure of the poem: short, both in lines and length, and the internal rhymes remind me of Kay Ryan's work. Alas, the shorter a poem, the more careful the author must be to details. Personally, and take this with a grain of salt because it's just one opinion, I don't like "For twas" -- it sounds awkward to me. I don't like the word choice "Killing mankind" either. In the context of the poem, it seems to me a little over-emotional and oddly brutal for the tone of the poem. Finally, I'm torn on the "Heroes and villains" line. I don't like the content of the line-- it sounds odd to me, but I like the pace it creates-- the additional examples that lead to the final scrumptious couplet. EDIT: read the posts, saw the "fuck slasher" thing. This poem just became 9001 times more epic. 4/5 originally. 5/5 now. Thanks for the criticism  | ||
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