[Girl Blog] Part 2 - The Dragon Warrior

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGrFT_1W_G8 haters gonna hate

So! Here’s the sitch Wades. Today before I was about to embark on my journey to pick up flowers and gift wrapping supplies I decided to humor my doubts. Now as I said in my first blog, I had been dealing with a wall that my ex (Britty) had put up when we would hang out. I figured it was just a self-defense mechanism to keep her from getting hurt or some sincere bullshit like that but in the back of my head I always wondered if there was someone else. So before I blew a few hours and ~50 bucks making a Valentines gift from someone who could have already moved on I grew a pair of balls and asked.

I will now quote indirectly from my cell phone.
Akamu - “Do you mind if I ask you a potentially difficult question? I need to know and I need an honest answer.”

Britty- “ok… im scared”

Akamu- “Have you done anything with anyone else?”

Britty- “this is not something I want to discuss over text”

okay. Pause. At this point my natural reaction was AHHHHHHHH FUCK ME. It’s easy to say no I have not. Much harder to just say yes I have. Hence suspicions confirmed.

Akamu- “I don’t care. I just need to know. Yes or no. I can explain why later.”

Now timeout. So there are a few bullshit “just tell me texts” and a few” but why do you need to know texts” and I’m going to skip those. The real juicy stuff is next.

Britty – “I’m sorry I don’t want to hurt you but I have. You broke up with me and I handled it poorly.”
“Once. When we weren’t talking…im done feeling guilty”

GAHHHHHHH I FAWKING NEW IT. Seriously at this point I was somewhere between wanting to scream/cry/ punch baby pandas/6pool every douchebag I could find on the ladder and keep texting to figure out when the fuck things went down. I felt fucking terrible, but I had so many questions, when? Last night? Last weekend? After we went out to dinner? I needed to know. She said it was after New Year’s but before I emailed her while she was on vacation. So she came over to “talk.”

Damn straight you don’t! Because I didn’t bring it up but now I have to. So New Year’s 2012. What would have been our official 1 year anniversary if we were still together. I had been drinking as had she and we got to texting somehow. We both had strong sexual desires and agreed that if we could keep it purely sexual we could benefit from one of the best perks of being together so long… intimate knowledge of what each other likes.

I went over to her place and I can honestly say without a doubt, that it was one of most amazing nights of my life. Maybe it was because I had shut myself down for so long, maybe it was because I didn’t realize how much I had missed her but it was an experience I will never forget. I hadn’t felt that alive in months. However as anyone who has ever attempt to be fuck buddies with an ex can attest to… there was much more than sex that night. I ended up staying over and talking with her as we fell asleep in each other’s arms. As I walked her out of the apartment that morning I knew somewhere deep down that I wanted her back, that I needed her back.

Chill out brosideon. Right now it doesn’t but it will. Trust me. So back to her coming over! She comes over to my place. We do what any normal couple would do in this situation… fight and say lots of hurtful things. I’m basically expressing how hurt and betrayed I feel that she let me open up to her like I did and that she didn’t tell me. She’s taking a moral high ground saying such things as “I don’t deserve to be disrespected like this” usually followed with a “yea I probably should have told you, but I never lied to you” to which I cried out bullshit. Lying by omission. Had I known what I do now I never would have tried this hard for the last few weeks, just for a fucking CHANCE that we get back together. She left in a flurry and I was left with a blinding rage. Which ment I did a metric shit ton of pushups to avoid destroying something beautiful. Such as my cherry mx red rosewill keyboard <3.

Now if you’re still following this clusterfuck of a story I know exactly what you’re thinking. It pry sounds something like “But Akamu… I know that sucks and all… but… but… she didn’t cheat on you… you weren’t together.” And to that I say TECHNICALITIES SON. That’s a god damn technicality.

Here’s why.

So yes TECHNICALLY we were no longer togeth and she can do whatever the fuck she wants. But, remember back to new years? How we spent the night talking? Yes? Good, it was only 3 paragraphs ago. So one of the things we talked about was the fuck buddy situation and how we were going to handle it. We came to a mutual agreement that as long as no complications or stress was being put upon one of us we could continue to enjoy each other’s bodies whenever we saw fit. HOWEVER (now this is the kicker) we agreed that if either of us had interactions with someone of the opposite sex we would let the other know and the arrangement would end.
So Ha! Eat that! She should have told me! Okay I jest a little bit. I didn’t expect to be told right away if anything did happen. However this is where things start to get sticky. So let’s recap what I know so far.

I know that it happened after New Year’s.
I know that it happened before I sent my email to her containing my critical analysis which was sent a few days into her vacation. She left the 7th meaning that in a span of roughly 10 days she hooked up with someone else.

That made me sick. Had I been wrong in what I felt that night? I had been so sure that had been the start of our rebirth… I remember looking into her heavenly green eyes and finding the comfort I had longed for. But now… I find that the cake is a lie? That this may have meant nothing to her? Fucking. Devastating. Like leaving your supply depots down and watching 50 lings run into your base after you just killed all of that kid’s drones with your hellions. Okay, maybe not that devastating but pretty bad.

HOKAY. Timeout again. Something is wrong here. I know you’re all thinking it. “How the fuck is this kid still cracking jokes while describing his heart getting ripped out? This isn’t the girl blog I know and love! I want whiny teenage drama and kids who are afraid of girls!” Well to that I have to ask you to please just wait and finish this thing out. It’s my girl blog and I’ll write it however I want.

So she leaves, my bro’s (whom I love very much) get in vent and listen to my tale and all give me their 2 cents. I’m still just lost, unsure of what to think or what to do with myself. On one hand I want to lash out and make her feel the pain I’m feeling but on the other I want to just run away from everything until my lungs burn and I have no reminders of my former self.
Now I’m a weak man, and I went with the try to make her feel miserable option. I’m not proud of it. But that’s what I did. It was only 1 kinda sorta really long text message. She responded with how sorry she was and how I didn’t need to be an ass and all that mumbo jumbo. I didn’t feel any better. I wasn’t going to feel any better doing that. I had no idea how I was going to feel any better but one guy stepped up. He is like a mentor figure on my volleyball team. He’s been through some rough shit and is wise way beyond his years. I told him what was going on and how crushed I was and he opened my eyes to a different perspective.

He said that the reason (if it was a good one) as to why she lied was way more important right now than the fact she did. He knows both of us and I’m sure would like to see us back together but he brought up a good point. If I was in her shoes could I have broken her heart with the truth? Was she lying because she was afraid to hurt me? Or did she just not want to fight and wait for us to fade away? I needed answers. I have burned many bridges in my life and I’ll probably burn many more but for whatever reason there were questions I needed answered before I burned this one.
Now at this point man let me tell you I was still hot headed but I was totally chilling out. I was able to find comfort in the fact that I knew what I had to ask and what I needed to know and then depending on those responses I knew where this thing was headed. I like that. Inner peace. Kung Fu Panda style.

So I send her a text, something along the lines of “hey, I know were both upset and all but I don’t want to fight I just have some questions I need answered. Can you come over?” She responded by saying her life was spiraling out of control and that she needed to go to the library and get some stuff done. Okay whatev’s no bigs we can talk later. I was patient.

I receive a text “I’m a wreck, can you come to my apt?” So naturally I grab my calming glass of tea and head on over to her place. I get there and she is most definitely a wreck. We go into her room and she’s having a hard time breathing and feeling like she’s going to puke, the whole 9 yards. So now I’m sitting there in the slightly awkward position of hey here’s the crying girl you were working so hard for yesterday but just 30 min ago you were prepared to never talk to her again. So I did what any self-respecting man would have done in that situation.

I told her, and I quote “fuck this shit, you are not worth this, have a good life.” And peaced the fuck out.

But seriously that’s not what I did. I sat next to her, stroked her leg gently and calmed her down. Turns out she had more than just our drama getting to her this past week. She also had a family member passing away slowly, and let me tell you something. This girl is the most empathetic person I have ever met. She was carrying this person’s imminent death on her own shoulders. I succeeded in calming her down and we talked about her family member for a while and I think I helped relieve some of that burden as well.

I know this may seem crazy, me comforting the one who had just split my heart open not even a few hours previous. But I had to. I couldn’t watch her suffer like that, not now, not ever. No matter what happens between us I still cared. I can turn myself off but I can’t turn off caring for her. And so like the gosu zen master I was I calmed her down and made sure she was okay before I asked what I needed to ask.

Okay team liquid. Here’s the section you’ve all been waiting for. The good stuff. The juice. As you may have noticed I haven’t been very specific with my sufferings. Just the pain and what I felt. This is the why I felt it part. These are the questions that I needed answers to… and for the most part… I got them.

So we start talking about everything that just happened. My Zen is fading. I’m shaking. Squeezing my glass that once held my precious tea hard enough to numb my fingers. So my first order of business was to figure out when exactly she hooked up with the other guy. It mattered to me. I had assumed that it had to have been before she left for Arizona but I was wrong. It was while she was in Arizona. She said it happened a day or two before she got my email. And that when she got my email she was overwhelmed and knew she had made a big mistake and didn’t know what to do.

So I can’t be too mad at her for not telling me then. We were 1000’s of miles away and that’s not something you can say over text.

Next I asked if I was wrong in what I had felt that night on New Year’s. She admitted she had felt it too but she also defended herself by saying we made it clear it was only sex. But when I brought up the agreement we had about telling each other if something happened and we were breaking it off she didn’t really have an answer. More of a very sad “I know… and I’m sorry.”

Now I want to take a second and make things clear here. The thing that bothered me more than anything in this situation, not her actually sleeping with someone else, not her not wanting to get back together right away, not her needing time and space, no none of those really bothered me. It was the fact that she didn’t tell me about it. That she kept it secret. And if you think she had the right too, well maybe she did for a time, but as this progresses I think you’ll understand why I deserved to know. Moving on.

So like I had said, I can understand why she didn’t tell me right away. I’m sure she was scared. So when she came back and we talked about the email nothing really was said of importance there. We agreed to try and talk and be friends and move on with our lives. It would have been a good time to tell me what happened, but if she thought we were done then whatevs I can once again understand why she didn’t tell me.

Now fast forward roughly a week, this is when I put myself out there 100%. I tell her everything. My struggles, my fears, my wanting to get back together. I told her everything, I hide nothing. She said she needed time to think about things, to get her head straight and figure out what she wanted. That’s okay I said. I’ll wait a week I said. I personally think she should have told me here. Come clean, maybe we could have a fresh start, maybe I would have walked. Who knows.

So fast forward another week. We sit down and have our talk. She says she can’t get back together with me right now and that just fucking struck deep. I thought I had lost her for good. We argue for a few hours about how I want a chance. Any chance. We agree to hang out once a weekend, just chilling and having a good time, no stress. We agreed that physicality should be kept off limits so she can keep her head straight and to avoid complications. Once again I can see why maybe she didn’t want to tell me here, why it wasn’t the best time.

Two days later. This is when I feel truly disgusted/dirty/disrespected for the first time. So she come’s over to hang out Sunday night. We are just cuddling having a good time. It was a lot of fun. Very itimate and caring type stuff. Now she ends up spending the night. And at some point before we fall asleep… touching starts and clothes come off and I end up going down on her. Now, I don’t know how others would have felt but I feel so incredibly betrayed. She let me in (not literally you pervert bastards) emotionally. She let me think things were okay. She didn’t tell me about Arizona. How she was able to endure what I was doing to her without feeling an insane amount of guilt I have no idea. She said she was thinking about it the whole time and that she felt terrible but that still wasn’t enough to tell me. Even here I can understand she may have been scared but I strongly feel that I deserved to know the truth at this point. Before anything of a physical nature started. But even this didn’t enrage me as much as what happened 1 week later.

So it’s time for our hangout again. We’re doing basically the same thing. Talking, being silly, aka our usual selves. Now I had a concern about how we should deal with a certain situation. What was that situation? Well I’ll tell you. I wanted to talk about what would happen if we did something with someone else. How ironic. I told her (while holding her in my arms, stroking her hair) that even though we were both single people and we could do whatever we wanted if she ever did anything with someone else I wouldn’t be able to be this intimate. I just couldn’t. Maybe it was just me. I told her I wouldn’t be able to do these little things, I wouldn’t be able to deedle her back or give her a foot rub or just interlock fingers without feeling weird. I know that may sound odd, but that’s what I felt. Now when I brought all this up, she got a little upset. She said that she wasn’t sure what she thought about that and that it sounded a little too much like dating to her and that it scared her.

I accepted that as the truth. And the night went on. She ended up going home and we didn’t talk till the next weekend.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I can understand why she didn’t tell me before, I can. I get it. It’s not easy to bring up something you regret when it will hurt someone you care about. But for her not telling me that night. There is no excuse. I made how I felt perfectly clear. Crystal fucking clear. It’s almost ironic how I feel the need to say that when she’s hiding a secret of the same nature. This just makes me feel dirty and used. Cheated. There is no argument at this point that she didn’t lie to me. By not saying anything, she was living a lie. But this wasn’t even our last hangout.

Last Friday we have another hangout. She feel’s colder than usual and that’s what inspired my first blog. But later that night I go back to her place (we had agreed no more sleep overs) and I watch a Dexter while we cuddle until she falls asleep. Once she’s out I put everything away I tucked her in, kissed her goodnight and went home. It was very sweet. How she was able to look me in the eye and smile and laugh and let me stroke her face and arms while she drifted off into dreams of rainbows and fireflies I will never understand.
So after I say/ask these things… I think she finally under stands why I’m so upset. I can hear it in her voice. She has nothing to say but that she’s sorry and that she should have told me and that she wished everything would just go away.

After all that, I started to relax again. I regained control of my voice and we proceeded to discuss us like we had a 100 times before. Things hadn’t changed.

Before I go, I tell her that once I leave, I’m going to do me. To the best of my ability. I’m going to try to move on. However, I told her that I couldn’t deny that fact that even though all this shit went down I still somewhere inside wanted to be with her. And that now it would be way harder than it would have been even just last week, if she realizes that’s what she wants too I would still be willing to try.

She said she understood and asked if we could hug, which we did. It was one of those painful, I miss you so much it hurts yet I know this could be the last time we do this possibly ever hugs.

I didn’t really know what to think or do… I felt good about our talk. Things still fucking sucked. But I didn’t hate her. I was content with my fate. Ready to move on. Back to zen master style. Now I knew I needed to write this conclusion blog but as a milkaholic who was out of milk I needed to make a Walgreens run first. I grabbed my Argentina bag and walked out that door.

That inhale of fresh air was one of the most magnificent I’ve ever had. It ran through me, the cold being a welcome jolt back to life. I looked around and saw the fading street lights illuminating the falling snowflakes. It was so simple yet so majestic. As I walked through the light snowfall I felt alive, I knew I would be okay. The weight that had been on my shoulders the last few weeks was truly gone for the first time. I knew what I needed to do. I took a longer meandering route to Walgreens than I needed. Every breathe I took felt incredible, the slight nip of cold on my ears was even a pleasant tickle.

I grabbed my good’s at Walgreens and stepped back outside into the snowy wonderland that is Wisconsin. I put the ear buds back in and took a slightly different route home. It was even more enjoyable. I had a laffy taffy in one hand and a new bounce in my step. Dom Mazzetti would have been jealous of the amount of swag I had on that walk back.

Team Liquid. If you read this whole thing. I want to say thank you (and if you want!! add me on sc2! Akamutherawr.606). It helps me a lot to be able to put my thoughts on paper. And I hope you get a kick out of my misery you sick bastards. I’m just kidding. But seriously, although at one point today, I had every reason in the world to go into to full Angel brooding mode, I’m not going to. I refuse. I’m going to keep my head up, and things will work themselves out. But most importantly…

I’ma do me! And if that means bringing home a fucking tortoise from the bar two weekends from now… bring it on!