Short story - Hanging my coat (4500 words)

“Thank you very much.” She gave the taxi driver one of her big smiles. I still saw that smile from time to time, but I had trouble remembering the last time I was the recipient of one. “Keep the change,” she said. Her voice was filled with energy. I suppressed a soft moan when I saw just how much change she had given the man.

“Are you sure you want to give him that much, honey?” The taxi driver was not amused by my questions. If looks could kill, I thought to myself, his look could reduce me to ashes.

“Don’t be such a Grinch honey.” My wife softly slapped my shoulder and handed the man his money. Her smile seemed different now. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was, but I couldn’t ignore it either, whatever it was.

She wrapped her arm through mine and began to drag me towards the giant gold painted doors. People crowded around the stairway by the hundreds. The sign above the door read “New York City Opera House.”

“Do you have the tickets I asked?” I took the opportunity to shake loose from her arm.
“I thought you had them?” she responded.

Fuck her, the thought exploded into my brain like a machine gun, and like a machine gun it repeated over and over. I try to be nice, I try to get you out of that fucking house once in a while, maybe one night we don’t spend sitting in oversized chairs in an oversized house staring at each or the walls. My fist clenched. I couldn’t beat her, not here. Not that I ever would, but at times like this I loved to imagine. I imagined beating her more than I imagined kissing her.

She flashed two red strokes of paper past my eyes. “Just kidding,” she said with a smile. Her hand wrapped around my clenched fist, unraveling it with her fingers. When our fingers intertwined, she lead me further towards the doors of the opera house. “You should have seen your face. I thought you were going to lose it right then and there.” She dragged me up the stairs and through the golden doors, all the while having a skip to her every step.

She handed the red tickets to the man at the desk. He gave them a short glance, then motioned us to come inside. Why would he bother to check the tickets, I thought. Would anyone really try and forge opera tickets? The kind of people that attended opera’s and the kind of people that forged tickets tended not to socialize. Or was it me? Did I look like I was out of place here? My eyes shot down to my shoes. Slowly my eyes crawled up past my pants, my belt, my shirt, maybe it was my tie? No, I was picture perfect. It was habit, I concluded, from all his time working over hours at the movie theatre, checking tickets to see if any nobodies tried to cheat their way out of paying five dollars. I didn’t know the man, but he looked like the kind to work at a movie theatre.

“Are you feeling alright honey?” My wife had let go of my hand. She begun wrapping her arms around me. I reacted just in time and pushed her arms off me. Did I push her away too hard? Her smile had faded, she seemed almost sad now.

“I’m sorry, it’s nothing, just lost in thought is all.” I placed my hands on her shoulder, a poor attempt to make her feel better. I wanted her to smile, even a fake smile was better than that sad face of hers. Her eyes could wrench my soul. It had tormented me for months on end. Had I not taken her out here to make it stop? To put an end to those sad eyes that could make the walls seem appealing.

“Here, give me your coat.” I tried to sound happy, I really did.

She handed me her bright red coat. I had gotten it her as a gift. Red had always been her color. When it came to fashion I was about as much of a man as one could be, but one didn’t have to have an eye for fashion to see that her color was red. One only needed to have eyes.

“I’ll go put our coats away, you go find our seats ok?” She nodded, but her eyes remained fixed on the floor. “One more thing my love.” She looked up at me, not sure what it was I wanted. “Turn that frown upside down for me will you? We are here to have fun tonight.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I took off for the coat room when I heard her shout for me.

“Robert!”

I turned. She stood out of the crowd in her red dress. All of the men were in black and white, most of the women simply in black. But that was exactly why I loved her. She motioned me to come back.

“What is it?” I said as I walked back over to her.

“Our seats,” she simply said.

“You don’t know where they are?” I asked.

“No,” she said, “you don’t know where they are.”

It had slipped my mind entirely. “Sorry, lost in thought and all.”

“We are row B, seat numbers 29 and 30.” She held up the receipts as if to prove that it.
“Row B, 29 and 30,” I repeated.

My walked back towards the coat room. As I looked back I saw that Julia was already gone. I walked up to the lady managing the coat room and handed her my wife’s red coat and my own, simple albeit boring, black coat. She placed two black coin-shaped objects in my hand. Etched into the deep black ebony coins were etched the number 246 and 247. Her hand remained raised. I only beggars would learn to hold their hands out like this. These people could force the greediest of people to part with their money, simply by holding out their hand. They didn’t beg you for money, they demanded your money. I gave her a dollar, we exchanged nods and that was the end of it. A small price to pay to avoid a social faux pas.

As I turned from the lady, she appeared from nowhere. My mouth dried up, my hands began to fidget at my suit. What was she doing here, not tonight, why would she go here tonight. Why would she ever go here, let alone tonight.

“Doctor Robert,” she said. Her mouth curled up to a smile. A smile no less seductive then her swaying hips. Her arm was wrapped around some man I didn’t know. The man seemed to be dragged about by her. If he had any choice in the matter, it didn’t seem apparent.
“Hey Susan,” I said. “What are you doing here?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Whatever do you mean doctor? You gave me the tickets remember?”
“I gave you tickets for tonight?” No, that couldn’t be. I would remember having done so. No, I wouldn’t be so stupid as to invite her, of all people, to this event.

She gave a chuckle, even covering her mouth to seem polite. She turned to the man on my arm. “As you can see Dennis, my boss can be ever so forgetful. Good thing he has me.” She turned back to face me. “You gave me the tickets. You said that I should give them to anyone that wanted them. You said that they had messed up your reservation and you had two more tickets then you needed.” She turned back to the man on her arm. “Not just forgetful but a bit of a klutz as well.” Whatever she said, she always managed to make it sound nice.

Was it true? God, things had been such a mess the last couple of months. Ever since Julia had come back from the hospital I had become so forgetful. The worst thing about it was that you never noticed you were forgetting anything. Every now and again you would run into someone that would proceed to ask you if you still remembered that thing, or if you were still on for that other thing. Even the most mundane requests, like scheduling a tennis match, became complete gibberish once you forgot about it and someone acted as if you should know. And you should know.

Her hand touched my elbow and slowly began to glide down my arm. When she reached my hand she seemed to rest for a fraction longer. A soft squeeze. Those sharp blue eyes of hers kept me locked in my place. Resisting seemed not just unappealing, it seemed impossible.

“I hope you enjoy the show.” She turned away, dragging the man on her arm along with her. I watched her walk away. My feet felt like they had been bolted to the floor. Had I invited her? It didn’t matter, she was here. I had to keep it together. Alcohol, that always did the trick. I marched towards the bar in a straight line.

“Whisky.” I paid the man, grabbed the glass, and turned away from the bartender. I threw my head back and emptied the glass in a single gulp. I didn’t bother to look back at the bar when I placed my empty glass on it. I didn’t need to see the bartender’s face to know how he was looking at me.
The speakers had begun to play music. The show was about to begin. People began to hurry into the main hall. With my shot of liquid courage I joined the crowd in their urgent yet polite struggle to get inside. I looked out over the sea of chairs, B something she had said. God damn my memory.
Then I spotted her. How could I have ever missed her? In the crowd there were many raised hands motioning for friends to join them, but only one person was standing, waving in big motions for me to join her. The only girl in red. I walked past the people and took my seat next to her.

“What took you so long?” She squeezed my left hand.

“Just bringing the coat,” I said. I didn’t pay her much attention. Susan was still on my mind.

“For thirty minutes?”

“Th-thirty minutes?” I stuttered.

“Lost in thought, huh?” she said.

“I’m here now, Julia, let’s enjoy the show ok?”

“Doctor Robert, what a coincidence.”

She turned around. She feigned surprise but only I could see it. My finger dug deep into the arms of my chair. Dear god how I wish I could tear that cheap leather from it.

“Ah, that must be your wife Julia.” Susan stood up, her hand floated in front of my wife. She looked at me, then shook her hand.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

Dear god, what are you doing you. Why are you doing this to me. “That’s my assistant, Susan.” Unclench your god damn hands already. Are you planning to shake for all eternity? Maybe, I figured, I was in hell.

“That’s my assistant, Susan. She replaced Pam last month. I told you about it, remember?”

“Ooh yes, I remember. Good to finally meet you Susan, now I can finally put a face to the name.” She smiled as she had done to the taxi driver. She could smile like that to everyone, except me. Julia, I am so sorry. For everything.

The lights dimmed, the curtain parted. Saved by a bell of sorts, I thought. “The show is starting.” Their conversation had come to it’s premature end.

A small spotlight pierced through the dark room, illuminating a lonesome actor. He rose up slowly, and as he rose his voice grew louder and louder. The entire room echoed with his voice. I wrapped my left hand around Julia’s right. Before I could even rest it on hers, she shook it off. I looked at her but she had kept her eyes fixated on the man in the circle of light. Her hands rested on her lap. My index finger began to scratch under the nail of my thumb. Old habits never die, but it seemed young habits didn’t die either.

People were socializing in the main lobby. I looked over New York’s upper class, all gathered for tonight’s performance. The first act had come to its conclusion, I just had to struggle through two more.

“It was absolutely lovely, don’t you agree?” Julia looked at me with her blue eyes. She seemed happy enough. Perhaps I was making too much out of this.

“Yes, I enjoyed it tremendously,” I lied. I wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy opera, it was simply that I couldn’t enjoy this particular opera. Susan’s presence at tonight’s performance proved to be no small distraction. I had hardly been able to focus on a single note, let alone the entire performance. “What part did you enjoy most?”

“I really liked the part where…What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Your finger, ooh no its bleeding.”

“What are you talking about?”

Julia took my hand and held my thumb between her fingers. Now I could see it. My thumb was bleeding. It couldn’t be more than a small scratch, but it bled no less.

“Hang on, I might have a tissue in my bag.” Sure enough, Julia fished one from her tiny purse. One could never stop being surprised by what women managed to keep in those bags. She wrapped the tissue around my thumb. “Ooh Robert, I thought you had gotten over that habit.”

“I’m sorry Julia, it’s just tonight, I think I am just a little nervous. This is the first time we have been out of the house together in forever.”

“It’s been three months and thirteen days,” she corrected me. Of course she had been counting the days. She tied a bow in the tissue. “There, now don’t mess with it anymore.”

“I think we should start doing these things more often,” I said.

She smiled a little at that. “I would like that Robert, I really would. Ever since the hospital, we have been cooped up in our house. The therapist even said it’s not healthy.”

Talk about not healthy. The therapist had told her to stop calling it “the hospital.” She stopped saying it during our sessions, but at home she never stopped. I didn’t have the heart to tell her to stop either.

I looked past Julia. I could see Susan throwing me the occasional glance. If she could just stay away, it was bad enough that she had seats in front of us, bad enough she introduced herself to my wife, it didn’t need to get any worse. “You want anything Julia? From the bar I mean.”
“White wine please,” she said.

I walked off to the bar. It was a good thing that the concert hall and reception hall were as large as they were. Hundreds of people and I didn’t need to even touch anyone as I cut my way through the crowd.

I joined the crowd at the bar. Rich people might be polite enough to let me through without any hassle, but their politeness ended at the bar. Men threw angry stares whilst the women threw seductive glances at any member of the bar staff that happened to make eye contact.
“What do you want.” Susan placed her hands on my shoulder.

I shook her off before she could lean on me. “Get your fucking hands off me,” I hissed at her. The people directly adjacent to us threw me a look as if I had violated some ancient taboo. I might have.
“Don’t worry Robert, she’s not looking.” Her smile sent chills down my spine. Both the good and bad kind. “Just tell me what you want.”

“White wine and a whisky,” I replied.

She turned to the bar and leaned over it. Just a little more than was socially acceptable. But it didn’t matter, not for her. Other women might have drawn scornful eyes from the other people at the bar, but men and women alike only seemed hypnotized by her. She wasn’t fighting for the attention of the staff, the men behind the bar seemed to fight for who could get to her first. A young man managed to be a little faster than the rest and asked her for her order.

“One white, one red and a whisky.”

The young man lit up at her order as if she had asked him to sleep with her right then and there. The man had the drinks lined up with a speed that seemed to suggest that his life depended on it.
I grabbed the whisky and white wine off the bar. Her fingers curled around the red wine, she threw me one of those smiles. One of those that had gotten me into this mess.

“Mind if I join you?” she asked.

“I do,” I said.

She frowned. “Ooh, but doctor, surely you wouldn’t leave poor me all alone?”

I looked around. Julia was nowhere in sight. “What are you talking about, go be with what’s his name and leave me and my wife the hell alone.”

“You mean Dennis? I do believe he had to leave. I am afraid the opera did not sit well with him.”
How much what she said was true? For all I knew she had sent him away the moment the first act had ended.

She leaned forward, her mouth only inches from my ear. “Tell you what doctor, I’ll accompany you back to your wife. After that, we are going to take our seats again. Then, when the second act ends you and me are gonna go to the bathroom and you are going to fuck me silly whilst she is waiting there for us to come back,” she whispered. She lingered, her hand crawled up my leg.

I pushed her away. Our eyes met, she didn’t seem fazed in the slightest. “You…are insane,” I stumbled.

“Ooh doctor, let’s go meet your wife, I can discuss dresses with her. Otherwise I might have to find a different subject to discuss with her.” She winked, grabbed my hand forcefully, and dragged me from the crowd at the bar.

I kept my eyes fixated on the floor the entire walk over there. A walk that felt like it would never end. But like all things, eventually it did. I couldn’t face her. I might have stood there in person, but in my mind I was somewhere else.

They shook hands, they talked, my wife told me how sick I looked, I smiled. Told her I might be coming down with something, but I would be fine. It went automatic, I didn’t pay it any attention. I was somewhere else. I was scratching my fingertips feverishly. I had to get rid of the paint, it was still stuck under my nails. I had to clean it up.

The bell signaled that the 2nd act was about to begin. In the same robotic fashion, I walked back to our seats. Susan threw me glances, glances that said too much, but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. None of it meant anything, not whilst I had more pressing matters to take care off, the paint.

The curtains drew open. Sweet salvation. I could relax. No more glances, no more conversations with hidden meaning.

A women walked onto stage. The setting was some impoverished city, or maybe it was a war zone, I couldn’t tell. Derelict buildings covered in dirt colored paint. In the middle of the stage was a large pile of rubble. More actors walked onto the stage, slowly. They almost seemed to dance as they strode towards the rubble. The actors began to lift the rubble. Eventually, after enough rubble had been removed, the woman reached into the rubble.

Ooh dear god no. From the rubble she pulled a baby. In an ear shrieking wail she exclaimed that her child was dead. I turned to my left, Julia’s face had turned as white as paper. Tears were streaming down her face, her hands clenched around her mouth in an attempt to control her cries. I could hear her smothered cries. Nobody else could, but I could.

The curtains had only just begun to close, but Julia had already left her seat. “Julia, wait.” But my plea fell on deaf ears. She had been crying uncontrollably throughout the entire act. The only reason nobody had seemed to notice was due to the ferocity with which she had kept her cries in. I watched her run past the people still seated. She was the first one out the hall.
I tried to go after her, I swear I did. But as soon as I had managed my way past the people I found Susan blocking my path.

“Me first,” she said. Her face was radiant with joy. She grabbed my hand and pulled me through the sea of people leaving the hall for the final pause in the opera.

I saw that we passed by the bathrooms. “I thought we-“

“I know a better place.” She didn’t stop for a moment as she dragged me through hallway after hallway. Eventually we got to another set of bathrooms, a good deal further then the bathrooms that I had in mind. She pushed the doors open and flipped a switch. The lamp buzzed before springing to life and lighting up the bathroom.

I could see why she had picked this one. Not only was it far out, each toilet had an out of order sign hanging above it. A giant mirror stretched from wall to wall, reflecting the entire room back at us.

“Eww,” she screamed.

I looked at her hands. One of them was covered in blood.

“Ooh Robert, your hands…” She seemed almost scared.

I looked at my hands. Both of them were drenched in blood. “Ooh fuck.” I rushed past her to the mirror. My reflection seemed almost alien to me. My blood drenched hands stood in sharp contrast to my white face. Was it blood loss? I began to wash the blood off in the sink. The white marble became a macabre color as the water mixed with my blood and slowly swirled into the drain.
“What happened?” she asked. I didn’t have to see that she was panicked, the sound of her voice told me plenty.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” I tried to assure her, but I should have known better. She never gave up after a single question like Julia did. Then again, she hadn’t know me as long as Julia.
“It’s not nothing Robert. Why won’t you tell me? You know you can tell me anything.” She stood behind me, she had wrapped her arms around my waist. I didn’t fight her. Should I have?

My hands were clean again. I looked at them to make sure that I hadn’t missed a spot. The bleeding had stopped, but I grabbed some tissues just to be sure. “It happened when we had just returned from the hospital,” I said. Only Julia knew this, only Julia and the therapist. Why would I tell her this?

“In that first month, Julia locked herself in her room for an entire month. I had scheduled an appointment with a therapist after the first week that she had spent in our bedroom. I just wanted her to get out more, that was the healthy thing to do right?” It was true. All of it. She had to move on. It was horrible, sure, but we couldn’t live like that forever could we?

“Go on.” Susan rested her hands on my shoulder.

“We went to the therapist, but the moment we got back home, she locked herself up again. The therapist told her that she had to get out, but she kept telling him that she wasn’t ready yet. It was about a month after we had gotten back from the hospital that I just broke down. I pleaded and begged her to come out.” I could picture it like yesterday. I sat on floor, bashing my fists against our bedroom door. She still wouldn’t let me in, in that way it was no different than any other day. But somehow, I had broken. Like the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was the same as any other day, but just one day too many.

Susan had let go of me. She kept looking into my eyes. Lovingly? Disgusted? I couldn’t tell. I didn’t care, that wasn’t why I had slept with her. If she hated me, all the better, I thought.

“Eventually, I heard her voice. She told me that she would leave the room if I just did one thing for her.” My eyes drifted from the mirror to the blood stained sink.

“What was it?”

“She wanted me to clean out the nursery,” I said. “She told me that she couldn’t even walk past it without breaking down.” My hands clenched the edge of the sink. “But I was happy, you know? She had finally told me what it would take to get her out of that room.”

Susan stared at me. It seemed like she had more questions, but she kept them to herself.
“The next day I got the tools and began tearing down the nursery. The crib was easy enough, so were most of the decorations. Eventually all I had to clean up was this baby blue wall. All day I spent chafing away at the wall. Bit by bit the wall turned back to grey. But when I was done, my entire hands had colored blue. The paint had gotten on my arms, my hand…under my nails.”
Susan still stared at me. It felt like her eyes were burning a hole in me.

“I tried to get rid of the paint, and I just kept scratching, but it wouldn’t let go. For hours I stood there, washing away the paint from my nails. Eventually, Julia found me there. She screamed for me to stop, only then did I notice I had been scrubbing away at my hands with a steel brush. You should have seen the marks it left on my hand. After that day I just got this habit where I kept scratching away at my nails. Trying to get the last bits of paint out from under it. I’m not crazy Susan, but I swear that whenever I woke up in the middle of the night, I could see the paint still stuck under my nails.”

Susan grabbed my head and kissed me. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

I grabbed her by the waist and lifted her up on the sink. One hand reached under her dress, the other wrapped around her throat. I pulled down her panties.

She unclasped my belt.

With one thrust I was inside her. As she wrapped her legs around me, I gripped her throat tighter. I pushed her up against the mirror, thrusting again and again. As passion turned to rhythm, I stared over her shoulder. I looked into my own eyes. As I neared climax, a single thought dominated my mind. Please, hate me.