So, after several months of real life, Skyrim, a WoW content patch that was mediocre even by WoW standards, and SWtoR which was mediocre by any standards, I had once again entered the video game limbo that exists between the present and the release of Diablo 3. So, bored, my mind wandered back to the bronze league. How had it fared in my absence? I decided to click on my poor, neglected SC2 shortcut and find out for myself.
A new season had started, so I pressed the button so dreaded by those on reddit who have convinced themselves they have an imaginary anxiety disorder and dived right into my placement match.
Seriously, man up.
The result was, well, not indicative of positive emotional growth. My first game was against an
So I won easily. With a worker rush. In 2012. It's things like this confirm for me one of the following two things: either karma is bullshit, or I was Gandhi in a past life. One simply should not be able to troll as much as I have and continue to be this lucky. It's… unjust, unseemly. Despite being an unbaptized heathen, there is a past in me fraught with nagging Catholic guilt that insists this cannot continue unpunished— there has to be a special Dantesque circle of hell waiting for me where I am encased in bronze and forced to endure an eternity of fallacious forum posts, all the while lacking the appropriate appendages with which to type out rebuttals to my demon tormentors. Or something like that.
Abandon all hope, ye who are placed here.
But, concerns for the hereafter aside, on to the worker rushing. Generally, I quit a worker rush session for the evening after I lose several games in a row. So, MMR lowered, I typically win one of the first games of the next session, which never fails to bring both a smile to my face and a question to my mind: how? How the fuck is this happening? How could there possibly be a subsection of the player base that is still so poor that no matter how much time elapses they are always susceptible to worker rushes? It's been over a year since release, and I'm clearly not the only one doing this. In fact, I've even inspired more people to do it. Should this not be waning in effectiveness? How are these people not learning?
I used to make smurf accounts in Warcraft III and kill newbies with nothing but mass towers, a Blademaster and Bat Riders. But that was at least a somewhat legitimate strategy, though. Some Vietnamese kid named nc.dude received a bit of brief e-fame for doing pretty much the same thing against high level players. So, that was pretty abusive. I was using my moderate level of skill to crush people weaker than me with a tactic that had a reasonable chance of success. But, this is worker rushing! This is a tactic so bad, so universally accepted to be suicide on the part of the user, that when Naniwa did it in the Blizzard Cup, it caused a massive shitstorm.
This is pretty much my probe rushing posture, too.
A few of these players have to be new, I get that. And not everyone in the bronze league has the mental composure of Nestea, I get that, too. And, I suppose not everyone has arms, I could see that. But anybody can defend a worker rush—there should not be an inexhaustible supply of victims for my plot. This should have ended long ago. I should not be able to log on whenever I get bored and do this. I don't think the P.T. Barnum maxim that "a sucker is born every minute" translates to new Starcraft 2 players. In fact, I know it doesn't, because some of the players I worker rush display knowledge that could only be acquired through actually playing the game.
People like this guy, whose strategy was to load up 5 of his SCVs into his orbital (the one who drew the short straw was left planetside to die), move to the island, and tech directly to 2 starport battlecruisers.
Did I just play Totalbiscuit?
So this guy can't be new. He has to have had enough playtime to acquire the following:
Knowledge of basic gameplay mechanics: minerals, gas, supply, tech trees.
Knowledge that Shattered Temple has an island.
Knowledge that Terran can load SCVs into their command centers and move to that island.
Knowledge that said island will ensure safety against early attacks.
Fine motor skills slightly superior to those of a chimpanzee.
Now you might be thinking, "you didn't worker rush that guy, he lifted to the island before you could. How is this relevant?" True, but consider this. That guy was bronze. I'm occasionally worker rushing people in silver to gold. Think of how much more knowledge the players in silver and gold have to acquire to be able to consistently beat the guy whose master plan was straight teching to BCs on an island. Then ask yourself, how did they gain all that knowledge, but miss the lesson on attack moving? It makes no sense.
Maybe I'm being unfair. I mean, I've played Blizzard games for so long I can't remember a point in time where I didn't know what the term "a-move" meant. It's not like the game tells them how to do it, right?
Oh.
Yes, that's right. In the very first mission, the game explicitly tells you how to attack move. In fact, it gives you a video tutorial of how to do so. You don't even have time to be annoyed by the terribly written and clichéd dialogue and quit the campaign before they spoon-feed you the only knowledge requisite for a successful worker rush defense. "B-but," you may protest, "nobody clicks on those videos!"
Achievement Awarded! Basic Literacy
Before you can do anything, before a single action can be taken in the campaign, the game automatically brings up the videos. One of those videos is labeled "attacking," and unless they somehow got super fucked up and thought they had purchased a 3D version of Fallout 2 and wanted to roleplay a pacifist, I think they might just click on that video, don't you?
"What if they didn't play the campaign?" Well, then they could use the interactive version of said video that is available in the tutorial under the combat section.
"Well, what if they didn't do any of those things?" Well, then fuck you; they deserve to lose. They have clearly been given the opportunity to learn what attack move is, and by attacking with my own workers I am explicitly showing them that workers can attack. Why do you ask so many questions, anyway? Are you like a bronze league rape crisis counselor? Bronzies don't need a victims advocate; they need to stop huffing spraypaint before they hop on the ladder.
Maybe they should have gone with the silver gloss.
But all this is irrelevant. These players aren't new. Not even close. Some of them are so experienced that they try to abuse the game's mechanics to thwart my efforts. One that stands out in my mind specifically is the stalemate mechanic. On numerous occasions, I have seen Terrans lift off their CCs not out of spite, not out of a pathetically misguided attempt to win, but because they think the stalemate timer is going to give them a tie, instead of a loss. A loss that, I will remind you, means precisely shit because Blizzard decided that anyone that isn't in the master league possesses too frail a psyche to have their losses recorded and displayed for even their own personal viewing.
How do the bronzies even know this feature even exists? There are, practically, two possible ways for a tie to occur: a base trade where a Terran lifts to the corner against an opponent who has no way to make air, or a weird situation where two players cannon rush each other and nobody can mine minerals or kill the other player's cannons. In the hundreds of real games I've played, only once have I ever legitimately forced a draw with the former method. I'm sure people have gone thousands of games without ever seeing the timer. How are bronze leaguers learning of this? As I've mentioned, it's impossible to get a draw from a worker rush game; workers can't kill each other simultaneously, so one player will always be able to mine and win the game. The second question that this phenomenon begs is: if they know about this feature's existence, why do they universally fail to understand how it functions?
Hey, who's the expert here, pal?
How, precisely, do the two lines of knowledge intersect where a player simultaneously knows the existence of the draw timer, but lacks the faintest fucking clue about how it works? Did they read the patch notes? Who is reading the patch notes to a game they don't even understand? Maybe if they read the instruction manual before investigating the phoenix build time buff, they wouldn't be being made fun of on some asshole's blog.
Nah bro, I got this.
Did they base trade a Terran once and from that point on just live their lives assuming that a floating CC equals a draw timer regardless of any of the surrounding circumstances? If that were the case, then wouldn't every Terran just build a CC and float it to a corner in every game? I understand that when you pick up a new game you just have to say to yourself, "I don't understand mechanic X, so I'm going to assume it functions like Y until I find out otherwise." You can't learn everything at once, so you just have to put some things on the backburner until you can get to them. But to cocksurely make assertions based on an incomplete or completely wrong understanding of something is just retarded. What are they trying to prove with their bravado and e-swagger? At least the people who have the common courtesy to just call me a faggot and leave don't open a Pandora's box of stupid, the implications of which force me to toss and turn at night.
I've so far avoided the boring, but base truth that these people simply aren't new. Most of them have played hundreds of games over multiple seasons.
Forever bronze.
I started this blog because I know people are interested in the bronze league. And because I have precisely jack shit else to do with my time. Most people on TL just simply can't fathom what's going on down in the ranks of the unending awfulness that is bronze. So, I eliminated as many variables as possible. I didn't mass 200/200 stalkers every game. I didn't 6 pool every game. I worker rushed. I did the dumbest, most easily replicated thing imaginable to attempt to divine some tiny nugget of truth. The only variable became binary: they either attack moved or they didn't. And then the "didn't" column could be further subdivided into multiple categories of failure, which I have attempted to do. But my overall goal—to explain even this tiny microcosm of bronze league—has been a failure. I just don't fucking get it. Every time I win I am as just as bewildered by the fact as when I first started. I just don't understand these people.
And that's not even broaching the horrifying reality that I have still not yet dug as deep as this goes. I have yet to tank my MMR even further and spelunk down into the true depths of bronze, where I can only imagine there exists some truly frightening creatures, maddened by the darkness, enraged by their blindness, and certainly even less coherent than the sort I have come across. I'm not even sure I want to travel down that rabbit hole.
rofl Gheed <3 as always I loved it "What are they trying to prove with their bravado and e-swagger? I mean, at least the people who have the common courtesy to just call me a faggot and leave don't open a Pandora's box of stupid" lol
And that's not even broaching the horrifying reality that I have still not yet dug as deep as this goes. I have yet to tank my MMR even further and spelunk down into the true depths of bronze, where I can only imagine there exists some truly frightening creatures, maddened by the darkness, enraged by their blindness, and certainly even less coherent than the sort I have come across. I'm not even sure I want to travel down that rabbit hole.
... Or you can climb back up to platinum.
But if you tank your mmr even lower and investigate the 7th circle of bronze hell (preferably with a passive macro game to see what they actually do when they aren;t being worker rushed) then I shall happily read your next delicious blog post.
On January 20 2012 06:30 Najda wrote: You should start every game by giving instructions on how to defend a worker rush. Make the bronze league a better place :D
Actually this seems like a fantastic next step to delve deeper. Get a keyboard macro to make it even easier. 1. "When my workers arrive at your base, attack move with yours. GLHF." 2. Proceed as normal. 3. When/if you win... I will join you in scooping my brains out with a martini stirrer through the nose.
Thanks for the continuing existential horror blog series.
am i the only who thinks this is pointless? why are you playing sc2 if your doing this, this defeats the whole purpose of playing the game. Instead of trying to improve, you just sit there and learn nothing, while at the same time preventing another player from learning anything.
dude this talent =D=D i just read a full page about one of the most irrelevant things on earth and was entertained. You are a magician on the type writer that is your keyboard =D=D
On January 20 2012 08:20 heha wrote: Someone please make this man a worker rushing icon Love the reads Gheed, amusing as always (and slightly scarily insightful as well O.o). Keep it up!
Maybe a bronze league icon? Or all 3 workers and => or the word rush?
On January 20 2012 07:54 rebuffering wrote: am i the only who thinks this is pointless? why are you playing sc2 if your doing this, this defeats the whole purpose of playing the game. Instead of trying to improve, you just sit there and learn nothing, while at the same time preventing another player from learning anything.
Nah about 5% of people always criticise these blogs or indignantly defend the victims. The point it serves is entertainment.
On January 20 2012 07:54 rebuffering wrote: am i the only who thinks this is pointless? why are you playing sc2 if your doing this, this defeats the whole purpose of playing the game. Instead of trying to improve, you just sit there and learn nothing, while at the same time preventing another player from learning anything.
Ah, but they are learning something-
that is, they are learning to A-move
I mean, if you can't hold off worker rushes, there's no way in hell you're going to learn anything that will make a big difference in your play ~~
On January 20 2012 06:30 Najda wrote: You should start every game by giving instructions on how to defend a worker rush. Make the bronze league a better place :D
The best part will be the inevitable blog about the people who didn't even read the "I am going to worker rush you, box your workers and A-move to win" and lose then complain about how he hacks.
On January 20 2012 06:30 Najda wrote: You should start every game by giving instructions on how to defend a worker rush. Make the bronze league a better place :D
Either do this, or climb back to where you came from (plat?). I am seriously starting to worry about your mental sanity...bronze is a scary place after all.
Gheed you've inspired me to worker rush in custom games. I'm posting a few replays of wins vs masters/diamonds. This isn't to take away attention from gheed but rather just for the amusement purposes of everyone. Worker Rushers forever!
On January 20 2012 07:54 rebuffering wrote: am i the only who thinks this is pointless? why are you playing sc2 if your doing this, this defeats the whole purpose of playing the game. Instead of trying to improve, you just sit there and learn nothing, while at the same time preventing another player from learning anything.
No, you aren't. I think so too.
Dude, the bronze social experiment might seem interesting and fun but ultimately you aren't learning shit from the game, and in the process, you're stopping a lot of bronze league players short of the learning process. Many bronze players must be new, and facing such a tactic ingame must be discouraging. Level your MMR up and begin learning, bro. I was once like you, making 3.5 minute mark zealot rushes to EVERYTHING. Then I realized I had to learn something... And that changed my perspective and gameplay forever. Now I cast, teach and play... All thanks to that silly decision of "wth, I'm not learning squat from this, even though it's super effective."
On January 20 2012 07:54 rebuffering wrote: am i the only who thinks this is pointless? why are you playing sc2 if your doing this, this defeats the whole purpose of playing the game. Instead of trying to improve, you just sit there and learn nothing, while at the same time preventing another player from learning anything.
No, you aren't. I think so too.
Dude, the bronze social experiment might seem interesting and fun but ultimately you aren't learning shit from the game, and in the process, you're stopping a lot of bronze league players short of the learning process. Many bronze players must be new, and facing such a tactic ingame must be discouraging. Level your MMR up and begin learning, bro. I was once like you, making 3.5 minute mark zealot rushes to EVERYTHING. Then I realized I had to learn something... And that changed my perspective and gameplay forever. Now I cast, teach and play... All thanks to that silly decision of "wth, I'm not learning squat from this, even though it's super effective."
You should try it too.
In the end it's a game. A game's purpose is to have fun. If Gheed has fun doing what he does, there is no point for him to 'learn'.
I've been working my way up from bronze to gold over the last couple of months ~600 games total. I've only played 9 people more than once, nearly all on the same day. I've been worker rushed twice (by different people). I don't know why you expect the majority bronze people to know what to do the first time they come across it.
The first time this happened to me I won (no SCVs lost, all drones killed). The second time I lost (all SCVs lost, no drones killed). Both times I a-moved.
The first time I randomly clicked auto-repair, then panicked and a-moved again because my SCVs weren't attacking. The second time I just a-moved. So for me it appears that just a-moving will lose... some other parameter is required to ensure victory - from 2 data points, I can't extrapolate what. Given that it's happened twice, I don't care, so it's entirely possible a worker rush would kill me again.
As for ties - certain casters of popular videos (lagtv) don't know how that works - it's not hard to pick up misinformation. Or the guy's smarter than you give him credit for and was just trying to get you to leave. My money's on the latter.
Anyhoo... "when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you". Good luck getting out of bronze.
On January 28 2012 08:30 netherh wrote: So for me it appears that just a-moving will lose...
Nope. Make a mirror match versus a medium AI on Steppes of War. You will show up with your workers at the earliest possible time, and what will the computer do? It will attack move. How will that turn out? You will lose. There is no trickery I am executing; there is no skill involved. I lost to a guy who said it was his second match, and his history confirmed it. You only need the ability to a-click on the ground. There is no debate.
Edit: Also, I've played people 3, 4 times in a row. I've heard people say "I hate when I get worker rushed." This is happening and it's fairly commonplace. I got matched twice the other day against a fellow worker rusher.
Anybody defending these people is wrong, end of story.
I'm so happy somebody linked me to this blog, I think what you're doing is great. Had a lot of fun reading and I'm looking forward to more entries in the future.
This blog, although humorous, brings up a serious point about people in low leagues. Like, sometimes I meet people who play Starcraft 2 and tell me they're "stuck in silver". I'm not very good in SC2 myself, but I played some BW (as well as other RTSs) in the past and got to diamond in the first 30 matches on ladder in this game without even having basic knowledge on the level of "how much life does a marine have".
So I always had this naive assumption is that in lower leagues, people simply have bad mechanics - they lack hand speed, and knowledge of basic macro principles such as "build workers whenever you can" and "actively prioritize watching your bank and spending all your money". I thought that they're not necessarily stupid, they might just be uninformed, and not realize how RTS works. That if you just tell them this much, they'd get to at least plat in under two weeks.
Hell even my 13 year old sister, who's too scared to play Dead Space 2, managed to learn to macro up from 3 bases and micro vultures in BW good enough to destroy infinite speedzea effortlessly in just a few hours from a starting point of having trouble of moving the screen in BW, and all it took is me telling her to think about her own mistakes every time something goes wrong and then not repeat those mistakes when the same situation occurs.
But no. Apparently some people are really stupid. If what you're saying is true that you played the same people, worker rushed them, and they lost to it again and again, then I'm honestly looking forward to you worker rushing them again. And then again. And to see what they'd say about it.
If those people lack the basic brain function of checking the replay of a match lost (as if that's even necessary in this specific situation), thinking what should've been done differently, and then not repeating an incorrect course of action - and yet at the same time they play on a competitive 1v1 ladder in a game that defines clear winning conditions, then those people's process of thinking (or lack thereof) is a complete mystery that deserves to be uncovered publicly for the entertainment of bored netizens.
Something occured to me as I read this. How exactly does someone know that a Command Center can lift, and yet still have it on fire to a worker rush? The length of time between seeing the attack and reacting is insane.
I saw this particular part of the blog this morning and then saw that you suggested to read the earlier parts first.... at first I scoffed at the overwhelmingly abundant collection of words and pictures, however, I reluctantly started the first one - I laughed my ass off! I read straight through until the end of this one and think it is probably the best blog I have ever read about a video game, and one of the better that I have ever read period.
Keep up the good work sir, your ambition and wit is unmatched.
This is the first time i read your blog. I had some good laughs, I must say. You're a great writer and the whole blog is very well made. I would have never guessed it would be so enjoyable to take your platinum fail frustrations out on the poor bronzies. You do realize that most of your opponents are 12-15 yo right? (especially the ones calling you a fag or a "nab, nob, knobe, etc) They don't get things not because they're inept or retarded, but because they're too young. So your public shaming of random newbies suddenly makes you look like an inconsiderate asshole who picks on little kids and then brags about it on his blog. This is just my own opinion, I've nothing against you(as i said earlier, i actually enjoyed reading this). But just for diversity's sake, I sure wish there was some way for the age of your opponents to be made public. Wouldn't that be a sight? And no, i'm not bronze. Ironically enough, i'm a platinum terran.
Great write up as usual, i love your blog. I think something even more interesting would be a calm conversation with one of those people in the real world, their explanation would be something magical to behold. Also did you hear anything from the "ill sue you if you post this" guy?
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looks like a lot of fun
