EPTI often wonder if girls know that I'm gay. Kirsten and I have been talking with each other for maybe 5 years. I sometimes feel like she could be a good friend and maybe more, but she's been pretty preoccupied ever since we left high school. She'll take weeks or months to reply to my messages. And when she does, it's usually short, incurious, and uncommitted. She says to me my writing is beautiful, and that I'm great and shouldn't quit on life but why is she so distant? I used to write to her my more heartfelt thoughts and feelings. And poems. We'd talk during the middle of the night about stuff. Just about anything. And from those warm, quiet moments I attached myself to her.
I guess it's a theme throughout my life that I really just attach to people who take an interest in me, regardless of who they are. As far as I can remember I've only liked girls when they liked me. The toughest thing is learning how to break the dependence of her. It doesn't seem like we get along anymore, she's not interested but she dangles a string in front of me like I'm clueless (and I really have been). In general girls seem to be unaware until they get to know me, then they just keep me at bay, far from even becoming friends. Maybe she's got a boyfriend (or girlfriend), maybe she just wants me to be an old friend of hers. I just don't know why she kept me going all these years. She even told me some pretty personal stuff, stuff I wouldn't tell to just anyone. I guess when you pair two people with problems things either don't work out or you form a strong bond. I hope she values our friendship as much as I do.
We'll feel the rhythm of the evening
Taking us up high.
Never mind the weather.
We'll be dancing in the street
Until the morning light.
Taking us up high.
Never mind the weather.
We'll be dancing in the street
Until the morning light.
So I'll try to just forget about her. Or hope to take a middle road and at least keep her off my mind so I don't feel like I need her. It's strange how our thoughts and mind-forged manacles can make it seem as if you really, deeply, even biologically, need a person and even love them. But I don't: I don't really even know or support her, neither does she for I. I guess you're left wondering what love really is, but for me all that's too contrived and mixed up with my questioning sexuality. Just turn on some George Benson and groove out in my own little dance party in my room. I can make it a fun time if I'm by myself: I've done the same for all my life. After several years of depression I'm greatfull I can still feel this upbeat to just a song, even if I'm living in a fantasy. Try to live as if things were just how you wanted.
One of the rare times I have difficulty picking between the cover and the original
The original certainly has that old-timey feel with the back up vocals and that keyboard
New year's eve was not spent alone as much as I feared. After countless games of mafia, 7 beers, a chunk of cheese, two pieces of bread and some carrot juice I was off to a pretty good night. There was a lot of jovial talk in the GTL channel for new years, and I barely noticed that someone (who will remain nameless) messaged me with: "pic?
". It was a guy from our channel who I noticed was also drinking. Ah yes, we played the game that men and men have played since the beginning of time. Both nervous, we were pushed on by drinking. We danced in conversation and exchanged pictures, he called me cute, I called him a stud (hey, I'm new to real flirting!). As the night moved on, he, me and two others from the GTL channel decided to do some drunken games just for fun. He bailed before the first game, feeling faint and probably passing out. We ended up getting owned pretty hard: one of us got what I think was a double 10 pool that destroyed all his probes, and I could barely macro while harassing with my speedy prism (with two immorts in it. it's a really fun build). Our third player left mid-game feeling the urge to regurgitate his spirits. After a long night I finally lay back in bed and felt relaxed, and at peace. It was like the scent of soft and dewy vanilla flowing through my mind. I felt... un-depressed. My mind re-engaged with life. Everything had purpose. Everything was real. There was a future to my life. Because of him. And for a brief moment in my life, all the pains I endure are worth it. Because of him.
***
Four men in a rock 'n roll band
Fly at night in the morning we land
Fly at night 'til we're satisfied
See the morning from the otherside
And when you close your eyes
Sleep comes fast
When you fly the universe
Well, you need some rest
Yeah, you need some rest
Fly at night in the morning we land
Fly at night 'til we're satisfied
See the morning from the otherside
And when you close your eyes
Sleep comes fast
When you fly the universe
Well, you need some rest
Yeah, you need some rest
Ain't it funny how the night moves
