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Let's keep things simple.
High school was the best time of my life. I played trumpet and sang in a punk/ska band, had close and treasured friends. There was little drama. I loved my life. I played EQ/DAOC and other games such as Baldur's Gate 2, Fallout 1/2, and Planescape: Torment: These firmly fixed me as a once and forever gamer. I never had a girlfriend, but I truly never desired one. I was legitimately busy and legitimately happy. My entire life was a state of flow.
Since then I have struggled. More and more after the age of 18. But the reasons for this are varied, and it's hard to find a cohesive structure that explains it all.
To be honest, it's quite difficult to find a place to begin writing right now. There isn't a clear casual chain of events, no obvious character development arc that I can straightforwardly relate to any reader. Do I start with myself sprinting outside listening to death metal in 10 degree weather as a substitution for Christ's salvation? It makes a great short story opening, that's for sure! How about the absurd and pathetic crushes I held at 19 through 21, while having the emotional age of 15 year old when it comes to relationships? Or perhaps the utter lack of direction I had in my college life, and subsequently my career that continues to this day in brutal fashion? Or even better, the total psychological disconnect I've had from my family due to rejecting their entire ethos and religious beliefs? Perhaps, finally, the even further disconnect that came from pursuing philosophy and eventually rejecting many beliefs that most people live their lives by without any inspection or debate?
Meh.
I'm not sure if any of that is really important. The above are troubles, conflicts. If I were in a creative writing course I would be sure to dwell on each of the above points. But I don't really want to. I find them actually less interesting than the things I've loved in my life.
I remember fantasy above all else. I can tell you what games I was playing year by year far easier than I can tell you my courses. Most things in my life are a blur, and my specific memory is not strong. But I remember Leaves of Grass, The Silmarillion, Planescape: Torment, and Brave New World as my formative experiences, more than my broken hearts or my awkward romances. I think my life has more to do with the so called 'entertainment' that I have embarked upon than the actual, visceral experiences I have had. My mind in introspection finds the beautiful, the surreal, and perhaps even truth, while the so-called 'real world'; is simpler, sadder, and disappointing in comparison.
I'm going to finish my beer and go to sleep. I hope I will continue this later, and I hope I can eventually impart something to any readers, despite this thoroughly self-centered introduction. This is only a haphazard introduction. As a hook, I will say that further on, I will talk about my two competitive gaming experiences in depth: Poker, and SC2.
 
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intrigue
Washington, D.C9934 Posts
man. i really hope this doesn't become my blog in 3 years. you write nicely. you should try flossing. mmm that's about all i have to say here. another satisfied customer!
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Could you briefly outline your philosophy? You caught my interest there more than anywhere else.
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you seem to enjoy writing. philosophy and fantasy are two sides of the same coin. perhaps you could find something more appealing to your interests and improve your quality of life moving forward.
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I've been there. I started with laddertheory.com 9 years ago. These days I read Roissy /http://heartiste.wordpress.com/ fairly regularly. I am a little bit obsessed with evolutionary psychology specifically because it helps me understand reality in this somewhat unintuitive domain. PUA is so very helpful for those that struggle with confidence and inner-game. But its effectiveness wanes as ones confidence rises and ones existential questions grow.
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I didn't go to sleep, obviously. Right now I am drinking a ecstatic beer called the 'Outer Darkness'. It's a Utah-brewed beer. Thick chocolate and licorice flavor. Black color. Almost sludgy texture. As a strong imperial stout should be.
Outer Darkness is, in mormon mythology, where genocidal maniacs, serial killers, and those who have seen god and denied him all reign. It is hell, at least as my sunday school teachers had taught me. A more exclusive hell than say, the hell of the catholics, but a distinct hell non the less.
As I drink this fine, heretical beverage...I both embrace uncertainty and my new (well, not that new) beginnings. I hope I can find my way in the darkness. I've yet to see a lighthouse, but I swear I've seen glimpses out the corner of my eye.
Show nested quote +On December 10 2011 17:01 Terranist wrote:
you seem to enjoy writing. philosophy and fantasy are two sides of the same coin. perhaps you could find something more appealing to your interests and improve your quality of life moving forward.
I would love to, but I'm not precisely sure what that ever so elusive 'something' is.
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On December 10 2011 16:52 intrigue wrote:
man. i really hope this doesn't become my blog in 3 years. you write nicely. you should try flossing. mmm that's about all i have to say here. another satisfied customer!
Flossing is hard sometimes.
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On December 10 2011 16:53 zobz wrote:
Could you briefly outline your philosophy? You caught my interest there more than anywhere else.
It's hard. My influences go something like Hume->Kant->Schopenhauer->Nietzsche->Heidegger.
With less understanding as we go down the chain, because philosophy gets very, very hard to understand as you go farther down the rabbit hole.
And this is not to say I think everything these writers wrote is true. But this is the heritage of my current thought.
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As you remind me heavily of myself, I'll try to stick to the point.
Get a hold of yourself, piece of shit. Go out and do things!
Of course, this introduction might seem a bit aggressive, not to say vulgar. That being said, I often tell this to myself when I'm reading Reddit at 3 a.m, or, in a more recent way, when I answer to a random post that has no goal on TL with a similar goal-less post. This explains perhaps why I find it acceptable to say it this way.
The way you talk about yourself is striking. Strikingly similar to the way I would make an introduction of myself. Distant, vague, a bit confused, and underneath, what I consider a bit of self-disrespect. You are clearly not impressed by what you've done so far. Or better, you don't try to "sell" us your life as a fascinating experience.
The experiences that did leave a mark on you are (again) reminiscent of mine. My oh my, Baldur's Gate, Planescape Torment, and all those exotic worlds that have a cohesive background! Worlds to be immersed into! Worlds to flee reality too. As there did not seem to be a driving force behind your opening post, I'll only leave a piece of advice. Go find a new passion that will give you new memories, instead of dwelling on past ones. (Skyrim? Go mod the game, create stuff, not just consume the content)
I don't want to tell you to go get a girlfriend (anyway, your current situation and your interest in the matter are quite vague), or do things that are considered normal or socially acceptable. Just stop procrastinating (which I suppose you do, but that's probably my alter ego speaking to myself) and go do stuff! Anything! (Poker and SC2 are unfortunately not things according to my totally arbitrary conception of activities)
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You have good taste. Your ID is from Torment, Trias the betrayer ?
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On December 10 2011 20:04 fezvez wrote:As you remind me heavily of myself, I'll try to stick to the point. Of course, this introduction might seem a bit aggressive, not to say vulgar. That being said, I often tell this to myself when I'm reading Reddit at 3 a.m, or, in a more recent way, when I answer to a random post that has no goal on TL with a similar goal-less post. This explains perhaps why I find it acceptable to say it this way. The way you talk about yourself is striking. Strikingly similar to the way I would make an introduction of myself. Distant, vague, a bit confused, and underneath, what I consider a bit of self-disrespect. You are clearly not impressed by what you've done so far. Or better, you don't try to "sell" us your life as a fascinating experience. The experiences that did leave a mark on you are (again) reminiscent of mine. My oh my, Baldur's Gate, Planescape Torment, and all those exotic worlds that have a cohesive background! Worlds to be immersed into! Worlds to flee reality too. As there did not seem to be a driving force behind your opening post, I'll only leave a piece of advice. Go find a new passion that will give you new memories, instead of dwelling on past ones. (Skyrim? Go mod the game, create stuff, not just consume the content) I don't want to tell you to go get a girlfriend (anyway, your current situation and your interest in the matter are quite vague), or do things that are considered normal or socially acceptable. Just stop procrastinating (which I suppose you do, but that's probably my alter ego speaking to myself) and go do stuff! Anything! (Poker and SC2 are unfortunately not things according to my totally arbitrary conception of activities)
Hello very-similar-to-myself poster. I appreciate your advice, and I think it is good advice. Activity (and I mean physical activity) is a good antitode to boredom.
However, I'm not sure precisely what I'm supposed to go out and do. It's somewhat of a problem. I go hiking, play basketball, or play stepmania for physical exercise and enjoy it, but I have no qualms with admitting that my primary reasons for doing these things are to get my mind off of....things. They are small respite. Isolation and aimlessness activity alone can't fix. Alleviate, yes. Better than nothing, yes.
Regarding the fantasy worlds of the past: I sometimes wonder if it's simply a matter of getting older. Our passions that were once in the here-and-now get stuck in the claustrophobic trunk of our memory, and passion-construction is the business of the young. Or maybe it's that fantasy specifically just gets stale as we age. Eventually, the tyranny of reality breaks down our ever so carefully constructed borders, and we can't escape anymore. Or maybe this isn't a matter of getting older, it's a matter of aimlessness and lack of accomplishment pervading all aspects of life, including what was once fun or enjoyable activity.
I'm constantly left with the question: What to do? I wish I could find the answer. I hope I can get to the point where I can move on towards progression instead of questioning, like my younger self, who never had to ask the question at all. On the other hand, it was my younger self that got me into this mess.
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On December 10 2011 20:40 Boblion wrote:
You have good taste. Your ID is from Torment, Trias the betrayer ?
Thank you. It is indeed. I've used it for 10 years now. I am actually going to get a small symbol of torment tattoo shortly. I think on my upper left chest.
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On December 10 2011 17:34 trias_e wrote:I've been there. I started with laddertheory.com 9 years ago. These days I read Roissy /http://heartiste.wordpress.com/ fairly regularly. I am a little bit obsessed with evolutionary psychology specifically because it helps me understand reality in this somewhat unintuitive domain. PUA is so very helpful for those that struggle with confidence and inner-game. But its effectiveness wanes as ones confidence rises and ones existential questions grow.
How many girlfriends have you had? Got one at the moment? Once you get a woman your life becomes meaningful.
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On December 13 2011 12:36 Rodimus Prime wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2011 17:34 trias_e wrote:I've been there. I started with laddertheory.com 9 years ago. These days I read Roissy /http://heartiste.wordpress.com/ fairly regularly. I am a little bit obsessed with evolutionary psychology specifically because it helps me understand reality in this somewhat unintuitive domain. PUA is so very helpful for those that struggle with confidence and inner-game. But its effectiveness wanes as ones confidence rises and ones existential questions grow. How many girlfriends have you had? Got one at the moment? Once you get a woman your life becomes meaningful.
Not really...
You just have to give yourself a reason to get out of bed and just live life. my own personal one comes from the Pacific, "its hard but you just get yourself out of bed in the morning and get on with the day. it gets easier that way"
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"I'm having the time of my lifeeeeeeee, and I owe it all to youuuuuuuuuu."
5/5
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Some more background. I don't specifically want to inflict this rambling upon others, but I also feel that it is important to set tone and context for the thoughts I later write.
University: Stumbled through 5 different majors. English was dropped because I didn't want to take 4 semesters of a language (demonstrating my laziness). I honestly can't remember why I quit Philosophy the first time. I stopped going to my Anthropology courses because they were soul crushingly, mind numbingly boring.
Music was dropped because it was too hard. I had played music since I was 10, playing all throughout middle school and high school in bands: Concert band, jazz band, student punk/ska bands, etc. I played solo trumpet in jazz band without learning most of my scales. I flourished in the realm of intuition, but stumbled in the laboratory of repetition. I practiced diligently...but not what I was supposed to practice. This bit me in the ass when it came to University, where studying music is a fairly regimented and demanding choice.
I never tried Math or Science, because I had defined myself psychologically as in opposition to the 'hard sciences' in high school. I wanted to analyze literature, play and compose music in my own very isolated way, or comprehend and debate philosophy. It was all objectively meaningless. In other words, it didn't build bridges, or even pay the bills. But it was all subjectively incredibly meaningful to myself. I don't regret this part, but I do regret writing off math as if it was anathema to my being.
However, Philosophy and English in particular were incredible formative experiences for me. I feel the quality of my life decreases the further away temporally I find myself from these courses, and the adroit, wise teachings of my mentors...or at least, the closest thing I've had in my life to mentors. I didn't get to know any of them nearly as well as I should have. This is probably the biggest mistake I've made in my life.
Fuck. Let's continue forward.
Poker was salvation. Freedom. The solution to my academic indecision. I was already beginning to fail out of University when I first read about the possibility of playing poker for a living online. When I was convinced it was feasible, I delved into it greedily. Every morsel of information I could find was gobbled up, and I read a full course worth of information in a week or two. I spent my free time obsessed with the game. It was, undoubtedly and undeniably a game. But it was also reality. An almost surreal merging of my previous habit of playing games with a solution to the question of my livelihood. It was competitive, and eminently personal and psychological, even online, but I was comfortable with this from my past with games. However, the probabilistic nature of the game and the uncertainty took much longer to get used to.
I deposited 50 dollars twice into pokerstars. The first 50, I lost. The second 50, I never lost. I didn't look back. This was in 2006.
2 years later I played poker for a living. I had grinded up from .01/,02 blinds to 1/2 dollar blinds. I had began by giving lunch money to bullies and ended by taking entertainment money from lawyers.
Next time: The lessons I learned from poker, and where the game left me.
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On December 13 2011 12:36 Rodimus Prime wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2011 17:34 trias_e wrote:I've been there. I started with laddertheory.com 9 years ago. These days I read Roissy /http://heartiste.wordpress.com/ fairly regularly. I am a little bit obsessed with evolutionary psychology specifically because it helps me understand reality in this somewhat unintuitive domain. PUA is so very helpful for those that struggle with confidence and inner-game. But its effectiveness wanes as ones confidence rises and ones existential questions grow. How many girlfriends have you had? Got one at the moment? Once you get a woman your life becomes meaningful.
I've had one serious girlfriend (couple years), two not so serious (month or so each). I don't have a girlfriend at the moment. I don't believe a woman will make your life meaningful, but I do believe that they can make you happier in the short term. Very similar to pot, and alcohol. However, if you aren't good without them, you will be in trouble in the long run, They aren't a solution in and of themselves. But boy can they help in the meantime.
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If music school wasn't your thing, have you had a chance to join a ska-pop band? Trumpet players are in serious demand in that area (look in music store notice boards or online ads etc), and gigs can be fun.
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EPT
