So things did work out (at least for the initial phase of many) Hurray for perseverance and not giving up! Turns out the cat was a good idea and it only seemed liked a bad idea at the time. It's kind of backwards, isn't it? I'm a pretty backwards person.
So of course I was sad things didn't look bright at the time and had appropriate affect, but it's also one of those times where I feel like I was right even though I was wrong. I was right about the possibility of not knowing everything (and indeed a lot of things pulled together with supreme efficiency and luck that would normally be unheard of), wrong about how I had performed.
I can probably thank Brood War for this attitude, or maybe I'm good at Brood War because of this attitude. There are so many situations in Brood War games where you just have to accept a bad situation and make the best of it knowing that there are things you don't know, that there might be a way to win yet that you can't predict or see. If I lose a base I assume my opponent sacrificed a lot of economy to kill that base—I know I'm in the game. If I get contained and feel behind, I don't know anything outside my base. I don't know if my opponent is doing the right things and so I make a guess at what he's doing and put everything into countering it. It works out more often than perhaps it should. It's best to have good scouting information but it's valuable to be calm in a bad situation. Not to say people should stay in games sitting in their base just hoping for something to happen, but if you can make a good last effort to come back it's always worth it.
I can just barely get everything together
That's what I thought two weeks ago when the requirements for an application were revealed. It was a feeling of elation, a sense of hope. I can do this.
I've sort of grown used to being okay with these kinds of circumstances. If there's a way and I believe it's possible, then there's confidence and confidence usually follows success no matter how much like a house of cards your plans are. Yet, every once in while, it all falls down and you're left with shit.
I had every reason to believe I'd succeed and every reason to believe I'd fail. I was confident, I'd done it before, it was a topic I liked (where before it was a topic I hated). But I was nervous. I was thinking about how important this one really was. I'd made an error. I'd somehow woken up with a sore on my mouth (I'd never had sores before, I've not been doing anything that would make me get them). And suddenly things started seeming worse. I began to question the idea of bringing that stuffed cat to make a point. I felt everything slip away from me.
What was it all for? Months of stress and worrying about what I'd need and what I'd have to do and suddenly realising I'd have to do it in the middle of other things and adding responsibilities more than I'd ever before because I so desperately, so desperately wanted to make sure things would work in 2012. And now of course they won't, not the way I'd planned. I'll have to find another way, or do something else. I wonder now is it worth it to pretend that things are going ahead okay, to go ahead with the things that have been working as if they're all part of a machine that isn't missing any parts. Maybe something will come up? Who knows. Maybe if I give up too early, I'll regret it when I find a fix that would have worked. So I have to keep going, knowing that in my current situation the project is failed and that my only hope is that there is something I don't already know about that can save it. I guess it's often the case that I don't know everything, huh?
How to even sleep when thinking of contingency plans? Life becomes more and more like an incredibly tedious video game. Who invented these mechanics? You die if you don't eat, you die if you don't sleep. These aren't fun. Life is badly designed. Why can't I just do what I want? Why so many fetch quests? Why make it so difficult for your players to live outside society? My charisma stat isn't bad, but using it seems to take away HP. Why punish players for trying to operate within the system you've made?