EPT***
To Die or Live?
I've come to the lowest of my lows. There remains only one question: Is there even a point to life? Why do I keep living, and why am I still alive?
Those questions are easily answered by the fact that I have a supportive family(more notably a very close sister). But I realize now how little I have outside of a cozy family home back in Toronto.
***
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.
I used to know this soliloquy off by heart. It was and still is very important to me, as is the whole play itself.
***
My appetite is just doing its own thing. In the middle of the night I'll be ravenous but during the day I can't even eat half my dinner. I usually don't have lunch except for a granola bar once in a while and breakfasts are PBJ. Nothing appeals to me anymore. All food just tastes bland and looks grey. It's pointless to try to make something interesting because it won't taste good. I just don't have the energy.
My breathing problems started about a year ago. I noticed I couldn't "catch" my breath anymore. You know that feeling you get after you fall on your chest, or get hit, and you can't get back to that full feeling. You eventually, after a few moments, feel normal again. I've been stuck like that for 3 years. It feels like I'm breathing through a carbon filter from a water filter. I can hear that wheezing sound when things are quiet. I've also had this cold that just won't seem to go away even after a year. I often go through long hacking coughs and after I feel like throwing up.
I have psoriasis. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psoriasis It started flaring up a couple Springs ago, right in great timing for my first year of university. The red blotches of cells on top of my skin used to be everywhere. It's receded to islands of red on my elbows, with some 1 inch patches scattered on my legs, arms, scalp, and dick believe it or not. Even without the psoriasis I have itchy, dry skin and scalp. Using head and shoulders shampoo and showering often helps to mediate the frustration. The itching still gets so bad that I start to bleed on my hands. Sometimes it hurts to just move because the skin is so dry, and so fragile. The dermatologist said that people with psoriasis can often have arthritis, and I've been getting that feeling lately. The worst part is that there is no cure. It's never going away, and I'll have to keep fighting it as long as I live.
The itching is usually what keeps me up at night. It's not just in one spot or in a few, it's anywhere and everywhere on me. Realistically there's a new itch every 3 seconds, and I try to play games and stay on the computer to keep my mind off my skin as best I can. What's worse is they usually come in multiple prongs of attacks, like some Zerg doing a baneling drop in the main and at the same time he's Muta harassing another base. Going to a new town and ascending to university was supposed to be my chance to come out in full bloom! My sexual revolution that never truly came about was only slightly witnessed by Team Liquid, reminds me of Quebec.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quiet_Revolution
The other problem I have with sleeping is my mind keeps going for hours. I will literally lie in bed for 3 to 5 hours. I try to move around and get in a comfortable position, but I can never get in one where my nose isn't blocked up and my skin doesn't start itching. I end up just wasting the night and having to go with 3 or 4 hours of sleep, waking up in a daze only reminiscent of a hangover. I'm going to check out if I can get some tests done at the university's sleep labs. I just keep obsessing neurotically over my problems.
***
I can't wait for the weekend to come but when it does, I'm listless and depressed and with nowhere to go. I remember there's nothing different on the weekend, just a lack of classes that might have helped pull me out of the holes in which I fall.
click 7 times to signify the left, breathing up, click 3 times for down breathing out, click 3 times for up breathing up, click another 7. Both sides are equal. Breathing is equal. Good. I feel complete. I've had this since I was 7. I don't think I've ever told anyone about it. When I've told them I have OCD people seem to laugh it off as if everyone has these compulsions
I don't even care about school anymore. I stopped reading the textbooks weeks ago, I'm just winging everything and somehow doing well. I sleep in and miss some classes, and dread going to the rest. I think I need to do something more applied...less thinking and just more action like working with machines or construction or photography. Not sure how long I'll have this much luck while being so uninterested.
I just want to stay in bed all day. Sometimes I'm so tired I can barely get to my desk right next to my bed to get on the computer so I can stay awake. When I wake up there's a horrible pain in my chest, and my breathing is extremely stifled. The only way to describe it is that I feel like I'm dying. My body feels broken inside, like a blackened, hollowed carcass. I feel the whites of my eyes appear as if Death is at the end of my bed.
***
My birthday came and went like the fall breeze that accompanies late September. A few people said happy birthday on facebook, they weren't even my two real friends. Even the girl that kept turning me down for a date said happy birthday. I don't know if there's anything to really make out of that. I end up just walking around without a care. It's helped me to speak and experiment with socializing at least. I just don't even care that they didn't say happy birthday. If we don't see each other for years, then whatever.
I've never had a girl or boyfriend. Never had sex or made out, or kissed. There was one girl who was awesome and beautiful that I really started to get to know, and I really felt close to her, but I messed things up with her when I was addicted to WoW. Now those were the days. WoW's really the only thing that feels good and gets my mind going-I still need that fix after all these years. The chemicals we make in our head can certainly be very addictive.
I don't know what to do. I keep falling into this vicious cycle no matter what or how hard I try. I'm starting to siphon off some of my landlord/roommate's liquor. I might try drinking before doing presentations or going to seminars as well. Might be fun.
***
Sometimes all I can hope for is to finish my novella. This song inspires me to write about the grand schemes of humanity: the inevitable gradual fall of civilizations, the triumph of evil over good, the political games and trickery, and the stories of individuals that are effected by and affect the world. I want to illustrate the very process of society's destruction, and the journey of the mind from naive simplicity to wisdom and the changes that come to people through times of great upheaval and strife. And of course, the restoration of it all.
With all the incredible highs there always accompanies the harshest lows. Is it really worth it to keep going on like this?
I wish I could go back before puberty hit, when all I could think of were good, clear, unadulterated thoughts. I had so much hope then. I had feelings. I loved others, but I didn't feel so bad.
I read Dr Helvetica's blog post about wanting to kill himself, it's somehow disappeared since ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eliot-schrefer/five-scientific-reasons-n_b_126526.html I did find another, heartwarming post by someone else), but it reminds me that all my problems are probably stupid and not worth killing myself over. Even when the good Doctor was that depressed, he still had to write. He still had to do something. All I can do is keep playing this song until I fall asleep. I wonder if I'll want to wake up next morning.
Thanks, and don't forget to keep fighting for that greater goal of your life, as humble as you are.
