EPTokay here goes (parts of this blog may have been typed out of sequence)
right now its about 2 am here im listening to Armin van buurens A state of Trance Episode 521 and thanks to it even though I should be feeling pretty fucking depressed right about now, the truth is, I dont. but i think thats also got a lot to do with the fact that im tripping my ass off on LSD. hey i have to get this out somewhere and what better place than TL lol.
so who am I?
Im just an average dude working a shitty job like 99% of you, for a mediocre salary putting up with peoples shit just like you. I spend my day waking up in the morning, getting ready for work, then working every fucking day for 9 hours then coming home, making something to eat (sometimes) then sitting here alone in my flat wasting away listening to house music and trance, maybe play a few games of SC2 then going to bed to do it all over again.
So fucking normal. I hate normal. I could never be content with just normal knowing what i had. I was happy. Now im not. I had the most amazing shitty little life going for me. It was all thanks to one person. She made me want to better at everything, and make the world a better place just so she could be in it to experience it. She made me feel alive even when we were fighting like cats and dogs and what she made me, wait, still makes me feel is so powerful that it will never fade.
I could honestly never look at another woman the same way because i know that nobody even comes close to what she is. So easy to love, so beautiful, and that smile, oh my god that smile. the smile that i so easily took away. How could i have been so stupid to throw away the best 3 years of my life because i was too fucking proud to admit when i was wrong. is it really so wrong to just be wrong sometimes? Why couldnt i just compromise?
now its too late and im so fucking broken its rediculous. It gets better everyday but it will never be the same. Im fucking stuck here will nothing but a fucking computer screen in front of and house music while she out with another guy whos such a fucking barbie its actually funny. still that little bitch does a better job of keeping her happy than i did. You know what the most fucked up thing of it all? I love her so much that i dont care that shes happy with another guy and i dont care that im feeling what im feeling, just as long as shes happy and keeps smiling. Is that stupid of me?
What can i do to make things right again? Why couldnt have just realised what i know now a few months ago? I have a feeling of such regret that im literally sick to my stomach when i think about what i couldve had and i pissed it all away in a matter of seconds.
I have my parents to thank for making me such a defensive prick always scared of being wrong. I am ashamed of what ive become. Im better than this. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Fuck that, todays a new day. Im starting over right now. I am putting this promise out there so that i have to keep it. I will do everything i can with everything that i am to be better. Though i will never be completely whole again, I will never give up something that makes me happy. No matter how wrong it might feel.
fuck it maybe i can still somehow make things right with her again although i highly doubt it. That stuck up person of yesterday is gone. Im going to go out and make mistakes and not regret a single second of it. im done being a scared little jackass trying to prevent everything bad in the world. The world is a fucked up place. I get that now
Ive still got my whole life ahead of me. Im going to go live it.
Sorry for the rant and stupid acid induced emotional puke, but i feel better now. be right back, going to go play some 2v2s as random for the fuck of it and see what starcraft is like when youre spaced out
