EPTI think I'll start with BW and its partial, but now more dominating role in my current hermit/depressed mental state. A quick background about my BW history: I started playing when I was 17 as a followup to a long time hobby of playing vanilla (regular) Starcraft. I got pretty good at it pretty quickly, and was in a good team pretty much right off the bat. No this has nothing to do with being a brag blog, but I found comfort in being good at something that wasn't real life. I had a hectic real life around that time, involved in more of the lower socioeconomic groups doing loads of illegal things, and I was also attending one of the best high schools in the nation. While at that school I excelled in football, which I was pushed into, hence my enjoyment in something entirely anonymous (gaming) and my relative success in it.
Fast forward a couple of years after a stint in the hospital accompanied by mental and physical recovery. I started working a shittastic job (actually with CatZ for any SC2 fanboys - that he got me <3 you Paulo) that I didn't really enjoy, so I picked up BW again. This time it was almost identical reasons, as a comfort in anonymity and a time killer. At this point though, I still partied and maintained a healthy and proactive social life (spoiler for later). In fact working with a friend and fellow BW player was pretty great, even to escape the shitty job experience, I could discuss other players and strategy and everything about BW while on the job.
Fast forward a year. I got a job, which by the way I lied entirely 100% to get, at one of the most exclusive hotels in South Beach working as the doorman for a rooftop lounge. However, it wasn't as a typical doorman, I had the suit, but definitely not the personality for it. I was hired as security for the only access point to the lounge, and hence became the doorman. That was because there was no doorman for it, but instead half of my salary was basically to use discretion and impose rules given to me by the management of the lounge. This is where I started to have fun. This followed up some job where I had an authoritative position, but was laid off for fraternizing with a specific female client we had/protected. Ironic, that I lied my way into a position where options like these were hourly at minimal. Yes, I know I'm detracting from my points about BW, but the background is really where it begins, as goes for anything in life. So I get comfortable in my position and start making high powered friendships within different organizations of the hotel, from the clubs, to the restaurants, to my fellow security higher ups, to the actual management of the hotel and its employees. At this point I start making tips weekly that would triple my salary due to the leniency given to me through my liaisons. Not only that, I start dipping into my own pool by partying with a lot of the rich girls that stayed there and what not. Life is good. Life is too good, though. This can't be real and it can't last forever. I realized this, and through such realizations once again actively started playing BW again. Not only for the sake of the hyperbole splash of water in my face, but I started to live for my job. There was so much joy, so much takeaway, endless amounts of fun in my job, and because of that I started working as much as humanly possible.
In comes BW. This time around I start not only playing the game, but managing a very highly skilled team with a lot of big egos. I figured this would fit so perfectly into the mental state I was in. How could I not deal with big egos on BW if I deal with them constantly at my job? So I then partake in the adventure of concreting what is now the best team outside of Korea in BW and as if this added level of responsibility was noted by the owner of my company, I get promoted. Now I'm not the cocky doorman who enjoys telling multi-millionaires that they can't go see the lounge, as if it's my ultimate secret that I keep tucked away in my back pocket that they're not allowed to see, but I am put in charge of running all operations for the 2 clubs, the lounge, the 5 star restaurant, and soon a new upscale VIP club that is being built. Herpderp. Fuck it, I got this. In fact, minus the 24/7 calls I'd say it was much easier than the responsibility of actually denying/accepting/interacting with thousands of people day to day. So then I start to invest a lot of time into BW. This, by the way, is around the time that SC2 started to boom. When people stopped playing BW/SC2 and just fully indulged in SC2 and its easy money and insensible ease of notoriety. I could never let this happen, neva eva eva? Neva eva eva. Regardless, to stick to the time line, I really had no idea how to accomplish that other than trash talk SC2's inferior skill base in comparison to BW. There was never a point where I just conceded that what has comforted me for so long as a distraction would become extinct.
(Late July 2010) My companies heads are starting to act shady, and with my position I learn of the expiration of our contract soon, and with it, the news that the hotel wants cheaper labor given the premise that they can maintain themselves accordingly. I immediately register for college. I've had a pre-paid fund for years, but I never intended to act on it apart from some part time classes. But the threat of losing my job really shook me. BW declining, my job at stake, my original comfort dying and the distracting comfort dying with it. I was pressed into action in my mind, really backed into a corner. I started lobbying for sponsors to give me money to host a tournament that would put SC2 to shame and revert a lot of foreign BW players! Needless to say, it didn't work out that way. The tournament, while a success, did not raise nearly enough funds to be what it could have. That was mostly due to my ignorance on acquiring company sponsorships at the time. But, it sparked a dim light in the BW community and I was happy - very happy. I've managed to save one of my loves! This though, was at the stake of my social life. During the tournament I'm speaking of, I needed to spend roughly 40-50 hours a week organizing everything. It probably would've been half that if I had the experience that I now do, sadly. But minus a couple of close friends and my brother, I stopped going out in general. To top it off, the hotel I was at did indeed deny the contract renewal due to roughly 4 million dollars in annual savings, or something like that. Who knows.
August 10th, 2010: I've just gotten laid off. I'm devoting a great deal of time into creating a tournament (AoV iCCup Starleague for anyone reading this that is clueless until this point). I have cut off ties with the real world so to speak, not only from a devotion to BW, but preparation for college. I literally did everything I needed to do to attend the fall semester of 2010 one day before deadline, and then registered for classes. School started out great to be honest. I liked it, I was learning new things, meeting new people, and generally had no complaints what so ever. I figured hey, I've got something to replace my job and my social life now - a devotion to school and my beloved BW. Boy was I wrong. I'm just going to skip a paragraph out of order to not make this a wall of text like one of the paragraphs before.
Between five classes, not having gone to school in roughly 5 years (I'm a high school drop out due to expulsion by the way), and running a tournament, the only time I left my house was to go to school and back. Writing papers? Wtf is this? I started to take it too seriously, I literally yelled at one of my teachers for giving me a 97 on one of my papers - AND I'M NOT EVEN ASIAN!! Everything began to build up, except joy. 30 hours a week for school and 50 hours a week for a BW tournament, I started to lose sleep. I became grumpy, easily agitated, and just all around, a bitch. More importantly, I started losing a zest for life and had no drive for personal fulfillment. And yes, I know, taking 5 classes as a freshmen after not attending school for 5 years was not a good idea. But, being the over-achiever that I've always been, I tried to ignore as much as humanly possible that I was letting myself slip away - from myself. I figured it'd get better once I got into the swing of things. In fact, I started to take more comfort in BW since I was so annoyed by my educational deficiencies. But this time around, it wasn't because I was an anonymous figure who could hang out and talk shit with some other good players, and enjoy the game. I had accountability, a real role in stabilizing something that just... couldn't be stabilized. I became entirely devoted to something that wasn't even real. Three clanwars a week, a big tournament with a staff to keep track of, and mini-tournaments every week for months - it was like I was running a company while attending school full time. Bonkers.
Spring semester 2011: Alright, cool. This tournament is going to end mid-semester, I'm only taking 4 classes, I'll have time to chill out and rekindle old affairs, and most importantly I'll just stop giving as much of a shit. Just kidding, I always knew I was a sadist, but never thought of myself as a self-destructive divulging masochist. Apparently though, I am. I think I just gave up on the idea of mindless partying, drugs, and sex. Now, as a disclaimer, this is not only stemmed from my love for BW and the hopes of making it once again partially successful and enjoyable outside of Korea, nor my need for deviation from school. I was broke. Not broke, I had 4 digits in my bank account that started with a 5, I had money. But I had no income. I was on unemployment during this entire period, and needed to save every penny so that when I finished my prerequisites at this college I could transfer to a real university (and hopefully play football there). In penny pinching, I even started to consider gas to be an expensive amenity due to my car being a 2ton brick with a supercharged V8 in it. That's just so you know how cheap I really became. I couldn't bare the idea of going out and spending a couple hundred dollars just to hopefully get laid by some dumb slut and have fun with my friends. I couldn't expose my future fiscal availability like that. How better to not spend money than to become a hermit and "enjoy" BW? That's where the trouble set in, however. Four classes was alright, so let's just throw that out of the window at this point. I was not enjoying BW, in fact, I wasn't even playing it. But yet, I signed myself up for the second edition of a big tournament prior to the ending of the first one by seeking out company sponsorships this time, and larger private ones. Needless to say, it's bigger, an expanded format, and just more of a workload - in essence to keep myself from spending money by overwhelming myself with extra work. Now you get the masochist part?
Summer term 2011: The tournament is beginning, and I'm starting 3 summer classes. One easy one, two hard ones. I figure I'll be fine. Going through some laughable e-drama, organizing the tournament, and taking three 6 week summer courses. What am I not doing in the previously mentioned events? I am not socializing. I'm in a depressed state, with a near almost total reliance on hanging out with 1 friend and my brother. I'm not only depressed, but reckless. The amount of give a shit that my body contained at this point, if given a pulse, would've flat lined. Everything in my life is taking its course for the better besides my mental state, and I need to do something, quickly, before I overwhelm myself for an endless, useless cause. What better to do than retire? Oh what a brilliant idea. By retiring, I meant from BW. I'll go to school, start socializing and fulfilling my own personal enjoyments again. Woot. I literally started working out again the day I wrote my retirement letter (Source: LRM)Game Retirement Announcement @ TL Searchbar). While this idea was great, it was short sighted. Why? Keep reading.
Fall term 2011: I get a two week break roughly a month ago from school and start living for two weeks. Went to the beach with a girl, started going out to bars and drinking, hung out with my ex twice. Life = good. I also organized a lot of the tournament ahead of time at this point so I didn't have to worry about it when school started. The reason however that my retirement was short sighted was due to my own oversight. I figured I'd just set dates where I'd retire and be done. Two things occurred as a followup to my oversight. I lost my most vital staff member for the tournament, and couldn't really back out of the role as much as I wanted to. Devastating (now it is at least). My preparation for the management of my team, that I also was retiring from, is gone with him too. Apparently he didn't want the same outcome I'm currently suffering from. Now that was the first. The second? Apparently enough sponsors like me. This is a good thing, trust me, a very good thing. I appreciate and love the sponsors sincerely. But my retirement letter was very literal in saying I'd retire after this second big tournaments conclusion. Ha-ha-ha at me. Now everyone has come out of the woodwork and asked me to run tournaments for them. Where was all of this appreciation when I wanted it?! Luckily I've been able to, for a lack of better word, pawn most of them off onto other organizations. But despite that, I'm now in the same exact dilemma I started out in before the retirement. Which is:
I'm taking five classes, not easy ones either, the real deal ones. I'm running a big tournament single handed (not the same as last time, as my old assistant lover was very useful and good) that is larger than the first one. I'm contracted via my own word to new tournaments until my retirement on October 8th. I once again have started saving money by not going out, and I find myself spending more and more time on BW. Why? Because now I don't only want to organize tournaments, and co-manage certain aspects of my team, but I want to play. I want to play a lot, because it was my original joy in BW. And I can't lie, it still is.
Rant's conclusion: I'm now a hermit, and will be until roughly October 8th, 2011. I'm a depressed hermit, who wishes his wheel would explode when I went to get a drink of water. I sincerely cannot wait until October 8th, as I won't sabotage my own name or those of sponsors by letting the tournament go to shit.
tl;dr - My love for BW accompanied by real life obligations and happier position setbacks have turned into a state of depression unmatched by any that I can recollect, and if need for compare, that of the mind state of a clinically depressed 13 year old boy.
Until October 8th...
Sincerely Yours,
LRM)Game
! Don't lose sight of hope.. never give up!![[image loading]](http://i52.tinypic.com/30ijhvk.gif)
