Feeling discouraged

- Money problems:

I 100% support myself and don't have anyone willing to give me money or make me a loan (except maybe the bank, but I really do not want to go into debt). As a student at uni, I have a scholarship that covers most of my school costs, but I still have to pay for things like insurance, books, food, flights and places to stay over breaks (when the campus closes), clothes, etc.

I work hard-- working full time atm for my school over the summer so that I have free housing and am able to save my paychecks for the school year. During the year, I will have two jobs, and am looking to pick up a third. It's really hard to find a job that pays much when I don't have a degree and also have to work around my school hours though, so my weekly paycheck doesn't really cut it.

I manage my money really well-- I spend about $50 a week on food, but sometimes I don't actually have that much even. My scholarship is also changing this coming year, so I am expected to work twice as much as part of my package. (They doubled my work study, and I couldn't even cover all of my work study with work study jobs last year. When I work more (and have more income to cover it) they raise my contributions more. I have been in to the financial aid offices many times; nothing I can do about that.

- Schedule problems:

Sometimes I work 16 hour work days. I am on call 24-7. It's only for the summer, but with everything else I'm worried about, it's really wearing me out. Not much I can do about the schedule, but at least it will be over soon.

During the school year though, I take art studio classes-- 3 hours twice a week. This means about 30 hours in class each week, plus my homeworks (often I have to go into the art studio to finish it late at night once the classes are out), plus my jobs. This kind of hectic schedule really wears you out mentally and physically. I don't get days off really, but I can't /not/ work when I have no money.

- Health problems:

Clearly the schedule is really bad for you for a sustained period of time. I already have sleep issues, but this just makes it very much worse. I am chronically with only a few hours (or none) of sleep. I get a lot of back and shoulder pain because of this.

I have trouble eating well (or eating). Buying healthy food is a problem. I cook for myself to save money, but ramen noodles is not nutritious. Fruits, vegetables, meats, all get expensive. I can't have enough for all of my meals if I buy healthful foods. Also, with my long schedule, it's hard to find time to cook and eat when I do have the money for it. I come home after 12 hours of class, and I just don't want to spend 30-45 minutes prepping and cooking a meal. I'd rather go to bed without food and get a few hours of sleep.

My eyesight has been bad since I was very little, and it keeps getting worse in one eye. I almost legally blind now in that eye, and the eye doctor says I have torn nerves from the strain. I don't have money for surgery... but I also don't want to go blind... but I don't know if the surgery would even make a huge difference, since the torn nerve is mostly making it get worse faster and causing me some pain.

My body feels 'off' lately. I am not a super exerciser-- I wish I had time and energy to go to a gym a few times a week, but I feel like everything is a trade off with sleep. I have been in good shape most of my life though. I enjoy pick up sports, and my mile is still under 8 minutes, which is decent. I walk everywhere. I will walk 4 miles to the mall in the snow if I want something since I don't have money for public transport.

However, often I will get sudden bouts of feeling faint or like I can't catch my breath/breathe well. I get aches and pains, and though I haven't gotten particularly ill I am constantly getting little colds and coughs. My habits haven't changed, but I am gaining some weight (not noticeable to others, but I can tell in my clothes) which is something that has not happened literally since I was in the 6th grade. A lot of health problems that are immune system related run in my family, and I am paranoid of developing some difficult diseases that I don't have money for (lupus especially I am scared of getting).

- Future Problems

I grew up in a home where there was never enough money for basic necessities such as food, or clothes, or housing. I don't want my life to be like that. It is like that now. I fear that it will be like that in the future. I feel like I am a person that is 'ok' at everything, but not 'great' at anything. I worry about getting a job in this economy once I graduate-- but if I don't have a job when I do, I will be flat out homeless. The further down you get, the harder it is to get back up, I know.

There are a lot of things I want for my quality of life that aren't big things or unreasonable things that I really feel are impossible to attain. I want to be able to own a home-- a little one that's not brand new, but that's big enough for me. I want to be able to feed and take care of an animal. I want to have a life where I have time to be at home and read and rest, instead of going from one job to my second job to my third job, and crashing for four hours of sleep each night.

I would like to be able to go on vacation-- even just to have money and time to take a tent and go to state parks. I dream about having a job where I can make art I'm proud of and be around people I love who make me happy. This seems to me kind of not realistic. I think very few people get to have jobs doing things they love that make them happy. I don't know if I am good enough to do it. Maybe I will have to settle for something else-- which is ok with me if I can have the time and money for some of the other little things.

I worry about people in my life. My family and I don't really talk. I have no support from them. I am friendly, but I've been hurt and let down by a lot of people-- I have a hard time being close friends with someone. It takes me a few years usually to become good friends with someone. I don't want to be at some point in my life where I think to myself there is no one I could talk to if I need someone.

I feel really cynical about relationships right now. I don't know how possible it is to get it right and find someone who loves you with all your flaws and is willing to live the rest of their lives with you. It's something that's really important to me though, so... :/