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Right... I saw a few people pouring their heart, anger and soul into these blogs and although I'm no wizard in the articulation department, I felt this surge of expression coming out, but I have nowhere else to vomit, so I'll do it here!
If you're unsure of what this blog is about, it's just generally food for thought [of my day] so 1. ease back and get out your utensils, 2. don't fill up on bread and 3. tip your waiter with your own thoughts or sentiments.
Thanks
Winter Parmesan and Myself, Tortellini
The dreadful in-between
Have you ever had times where you felt anything you do just isn't enough? Yesterday I had just an awful day and I've been moping about it ever since. It's been a collage of just inadequacies I've had with myself, my actions, time-consumption, everything. The bottom-line and essentially the gist of this entire public entry is this (I must have rewritten this bolded line 100 times, I can't seem to articulate how I want to say it): In essence, I feel anything I grow a passion for, never flourishes into something I can be proud of
Even the above isn't entirely what I mean. Let me just give some examples: so yesterday I wrote something I felt especially proud of. Normally when I write, I absolutely hate it. I never feel it is my best work and it usually never is. But last night, I had this surge of inspiration that truly had me work out something I knew was on a plane of satisfaction for me. It's no published work fitting for a book or anything, but I haven't felt so pleased about what I wrote in years (not since College where they gave us awards and such). I got some opinions from friends and they were mixed: Some loved it, truly felt it was brilliant and convoluted with emotions and underlining themes, others said it was better than my usual shit, but they don't understand what it is about (in fact, more people didn't understand than those who did). Normally, I'm not bothered and perhaps William Faulkner is right: In writing, you must kill all your darlings. Meaning if you find you like your own work too much, it is probably too personal and the average reader won't see it the way you do. Fair enough and I will perhaps have to go over it.
I wasn't brooding over it too much, I was a bit bothered by the fact that I am so bias and disillusioned about my ability to write, something I've been doing for years. But I moved on, decided to play some Starcraft II, I've been a bit bummed about 1 vs. 1. I don't enjoy it, but I love competition, winning and improving. I love being able to talk about the game with the reassurance that I have some stature or room to talk (this logic is, of course, flawed or distorted. You can be Bronze at know as much about Starcraft as a Master's player). Whenever I play, I get this irrational rage and anger when I lose. I lose consistently and I know the various reasons why, but there doesn't seem to be any improvement on my part, even when I keep those problems in mind.
The matches started out comically:
It wasn't long before things started going downhill: 13 losses, 7 wins, this doesn't include the 6 losses and 0 wins from the last time I played StarCraft II.
Angry and with fists of so much frustration, anger and irritability, I jumped into the shower. Rinsed off any residue feelings I had and just breathed. Whenever I get unbelievably mad, I breathe, take a shower and then it feels like all life and emotions drain from me. I feel uncaring, unemotional and just droned. I'll remain monotone, tired and exhausted for days on end until something manages to pick me up. Usually a meal at my favourite restaurant will do, but not lately.
With two main interests of mine down the drain, I resorted to actually furthering my education. I am currently doing summer courses right now for Sociology. A degree I never had an interest in, just something I know I can do and with ease (mainly because it is mostly logic-based, a pseudo-science that has no real actual answers, just possibilities as to why someone or something is this way or the how society constructs XYZ). In fact that's how I view my entire education: just finding things I know I can do and doing them. In most cases things things we can do with relative ease is often things we like or consider pursuing a degree in, however, the view of liking disciplines at university is absent for me. I have a strong interest in Psychology, but not the grades. I love Math and Psychics, but neither the grades nor the ability to do Math (I don't even have my 11 grade math, just my 10th [[i]Please note that the Quebec education system is a bit different than North America, there are only 11 grades in high-school and we have 2 to 3 years of College, also known as CEGEP which is a pre-university sort of thing]). I know this is a problem and I'm aware that I'm wasting a lot of things by not using this post-secondary education to pursue what I like. But somewhere between just managing to pass my high-school years (I have already redone my 6th and 9th grade due to having to do all my classes in french [I'm from Jersey and came to Quebec in the 6th grade with 0 knowledge of french]) and readjusting parts of my life in College, I never really untangled the mess of having 0 interest in many fields of study. With the fear of my mother constantly reminding me to just pick something so that I can at least get into a university (my GPA in college was about the R-Score of 23R-Score of 23 -- basically average). I took Sociology because it was the closest to Psychology I could get with the most chance of getting accepted. I did it a lot in College with Psychology and breezed through it relatively easily (without much study or knowledge, back then, I just listened in class and whenever a term would come up, I'd instantly recall all the material and logic based behind it).
In any case, now I'm doing my Sociology degree right now. I don't see much prospective jobs with such a degree which is another reason why I'm not fond of Sociology. There isn't much to do with it that I am generally interested in. There's being a social worker and that pretty much wraps up Sociology besides teaching and research. No thanks.
As I studied, I found myself confused with the material. A theory I once knew back in College now became another language to me and instantly got discouraged. My grades in Sociology have not been ideal: they're around Cs to Bs, but with a lack of passion and knowledge of the empty future up ahead, my grades haven't been keeping up. I know it is contradictory for me to call Sociology a pseudo-science and then talk how easy it is while my grades have been below acceptable, but that's how I truly feel and can probably make up a bunch of excuses to explain this nature of mine, but I'm just going to be frank and allow others to label me as a potential hypocrite.
Frustrated. I stopped, ate some lasagna and went to bed and ever since then I've been sulking. I've just been absolutely and emotionally miserable with nearly all aspects of my life.
To reiterate the bottom-line: In essence, I feel anything I grow a passion for, never flourishes into something I can be proud of. To elaborate, I know there will always be someone better than you. This is normal and to be honest, I'm no stranger to it. But I feel everyone is better than me, every single person and those who aren't, are the ones who don't care or take that passion or dedication I have as seriously. So I feel I'm in this in-between area of peers who don't care as much or get as emotionally distraught about failure than I do and those who easily excel in whatever part of me I feel depressed about. They probably do work harder than me and I bet there are plenty of people who feel they are in an equal predicament as me, but I just wanted to rant.
- If I stop writing, I'll have 0 forms of expression I can be confident or at least; comfortable with.
- If I stop StarCraft II, I'll have nothing to fill my time with. If I stop StarCraft II, I'll always feel left behind and eventually on the outside of the only community I strive so hard to be a part of (yet, not quite accepted by many or all). Yes, I'm talking about Team Liquid and I'm trying to hard to implicate and contribute as much as I can.
- I can't stop university. There are no ifs and if I could explain, I would, but the justifications behind it are moral ones (mixed with guilt, resentment, feelings of entrapment and no it's not the petty idea of feeling like a failure or disappointing my parents).
The worst part? All I'm doing is bitching and not shoving myself into a state of not giving fuck, trying anyways and going for it. How do you dive into a pool of water without looking down? How do you drive full-speed into life without looking forward and seeing what is or may come?
That's it. Good thing I have my Jazz.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rD6Siy6T0P4
 
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Take a day, and just do what you want. Don't worry about what you have to do, worries that may be troubling you, or must-do things which are due tommorow.
Take a day, and just do what you want. Right now your in the worst mindset for getting our of your situation. Your lethargic, you feel you don't have direction in life. You feel like your just a side character in a movie starring someone else.
Take a day, and do what ever you want. But on that day, do one thing: Get a pet.
Pets make you feel like your the most special thing in the world. Pets make you feel loved, needed. You find yourself a place of importance when taking care of a dog/cat.+ Show Spoiler + P.S. I would get a dog, I love them so much
Once you start to feel "happy" again(for you may be happy now, but the important thing is your not happy with where you are), think about some stuff that you love. For example, do you follow the SC2/BW scene? Do you stay up and watch your heros compete in epic tournaments? Do you have a favorite player? Your on a progaming website so I would hope so. Sacrifice an hour a day just to develop that passion.
The last thing I can say is to never stop writing. Anyone can see you have a wonderful talent to make your heart open to people around you. I used to view with with less than ideal thoughts, but my respect for you has grown tenfold.
Good luck.
Edit: Have my babies.
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I feel the same way sometimes. I don't know if this will help you or not, but this is what I would do:
When you get your next vacation from school (summer break perhaps) get a job. Save up a few thousand dollars, and fly to another country, preferably one where the people don't speak the same language as you. Get a job teaching english; it pays well and such jobs are reasonably easy to find if you search hard enough.
Then just live for a year or so. There's no rush. Do what you like; I happen to enjoy poetry, so I'll probably write a book of poetry, but if you wanted to write a novel or even become a starcraft 2 caster you could do that instead. Go to work every day at a satisfying job (teaching is commonly ranked the highest satisfaction job in the world), experience another intellectually challenging language, and spend your spare time on the things you enjoy. If you decided, after a year, that its time to go home, so be it. You will have saved up a bunch of money and will have grown into a different person, someone with the ability to accomplish things, and someone who now has the marketable skill of another language.
That's my plan after I graduate anyway, and sometimes the promise of a plan can get me out of those slumps. Good luck bro; remember, the more miserable you are now, the happier you'll be later in your life.
PS: get a job. it sounds boring but trust me: the feeling you get after doing something well and having people depend on you is one of the best feelings in the world; it makes you value your life and your ability to contribute to that life. Some of the best days of my life were spent working at a recycling plant. Generally speaking (for me anyway) skilled labor (programming) > light physical labor (recycling plant) > mind numbing factory labor, but get what you can get. See if any of the local newspapers have any internship openings; even if its unpaid you'll still have a lot of fun.
Whatever you do, don't read these posts and feel better about yourself just because people are giving you solutions when you asked. If you don't go out and accomplish something with your life these same people will look at you, drunk in the gutter, and shake their heads and say, "I told him..."
Everyone can do great things, and all of the people who have have been through what you're experiencing right now. Just... go out and do something.
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Do you exercise? Sounds like you don't and need to. It is cliched but simple and true; an hour of cardio a day will greatly improve your mood and focus.
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On May 26 2011 08:53 Pandain wrote:Take a day, and just do what you want. Don't worry about what you have to do, worries that may be troubling you, or must-do things which are due tommorow. Take a day, and just do what you want. Right now your in the worst mindset for getting our of your situation. Your lethargic, you feel you don't have direction in life. You feel like your just a side character in a movie starring someone else. Take a day, and do what ever you want. But on that day, do one thing: Get a pet. Pets make you feel like your the most special thing in the world. Pets make you feel loved, needed. You find yourself a place of importance when taking care of a dog/cat. + Show Spoiler + P.S. I would get a dog, I love them so much . Once you start to feel "happy" again(for you may be happy now, but the important thing is your not happy with where you are), think about some stuff that you love. For example, do you follow the SC2/BW scene? Do you stay up and watch your heros compete in epic tournaments? Do you have a favorite player? Your on a progaming website so I would hope so. Sacrifice an hour a day just to develop that passion. The last thing I can say is to never stop writing. Anyone can see you have a wonderful talent to make your heart open to people around you. I used to view with with less than ideal thoughts, but my respect for you has grown tenfold. Good luck. Edit: Have my babies.
I don't know what I want. I actually think back and wonder. What the hell do I want to do and a giant blank of a bubble pops up and just peers below me, waiting for some concoction of an idea to pop up. My biggest dream was having a week or a month of nothing. Just absolutely nothing, nothing before to fester me with worries, fears or unsureness and nothing in the future for me to look forward to except for the next minute that is used for just simply lounging. Watching the world spin, watching the people walk, work, laugh, converse and eat. I saw that today walking to class and it was pure magic, it felt so natural and I was just a passerby, trying to keep up with the speed the world twirls at.
I actually just did what I wanted to do: take a picture of Montreal on my balcony: ![[image loading]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/Xeroxer/PA030083.jpg) ![[image loading]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/Xeroxer/PA030082.jpg)
Oddly, it looked a lot nicer than this picture shows. It was glazed with this golden shine from the setting sun. Now it just looks plain and dull, oh well...
That took like... 5 minutes, ha! I don't know what I want to do, I never really did, I like to play video-games, but I hate playing alone, surrounded by the mere interactions the video-game lends itself to me. Just feels pathetic, a man hunched over his computer screen. The glaring LCD lighting reflecting off his face as he laughs alone with the darkness of the room at his back.
Just... seems empty.
I don't want any more pets. Back when I was at my mother's house. We had two to three dogs. Bull Mastiffs and they were lovely. I just dislike animals now because of the shedding of hair and their constant need for attention (cats are the worst, have you read my previous blog entry?).
I love the feeling of StarCraft II, the civility on this site. The respect and love everyone has for the game, their favourite player (which may lead them to be so infuriated when their favourite player loses, leading them to insult the other player needlessly, yes I even love that). If I could, I'd spend all day on these forums, Liquipedia and via streams, I have done it once and I think someone is able to check that. But in reality, I don't think I'd feel very accomplished or worthwhile doing so. Additionally, I think having done it once is enough for me.
I won't stop writing, but my interest has diminished severely. It's just this terrible mindset that if I can't apply this potential skill I have to please a majority of people, then I don't want to further it anymore. Why can't I just enjoy things for what they are and not because it has the potential to further me somewhere?
Another code to break, lovely.
As for the edit: I'm confused deeply, but flattered I think.
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I'm taking a class instead this coming semester.
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just get it, it's perfect for you
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Ahhh, reading your blog reminds me of myself so much, good sire.
What I want to say is, that only the passionate, feeling, perceptive and caring person can feel this way and be expressive in way you are. You feel this way because you want to have something to fill up the 'void' in your heart. To know that something you do, that you do it well and you can feel an accomplishment. It's hard to 'not give fuck' when you care about something. So I think asking yourself to do that would be only denying the reality that you simply do care. Feeling always being on the square one, not progressing is the worst possible punishment for you, isn't it?
I've had my own share of experience in this throughout the life. Both writting and StarCraft abilities are affected the way you feel. If you feel frustrated, nothing of those will go well. Although, depending on what you enjoy to write, you might want to have certain mood, whereas in StarCraft you need to be relaxed and confident in yourself.
I wish I had some real advice for you, because I truly like seeing passionate people to go and cut through their own struggles, to come out as those, who overcome all of these, in the end to turn out to be happy with what they love doing. It gives me an inspiration for myself as well, to keep fighting for my own dreams, no matter what.
Keep fighting. :-)
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On May 26 2011 09:05 tnkted wrote:
I feel the same way sometimes. I don't know if this will help you or not, but this is what I would do:
When you get your next vacation from school (summer break perhaps) get a job. Save up a few thousand dollars, and fly to another country, preferably one where the people don't speak the same language as you. Get a job teaching english; it pays well and such jobs are reasonably easy to find if you search hard enough.
Then just live for a year or so. There's no rush. Do what you like; I happen to enjoy poetry, so I'll probably write a book of poetry, but if you wanted to write a novel or even become a starcraft 2 caster you could do that instead. Go to work every day at a satisfying job (teaching is commonly ranked the highest satisfaction job in the world), experience another intellectually challenging language, and spend your spare time on the things you enjoy. If you decided, after a year, that its time to go home, so be it. You will have saved up a bunch of money and will have grown into a different person, someone with the ability to accomplish things, and someone who now has the marketable skill of another language.
That's my plan after I graduate anyway, and sometimes the promise of a plan can get me out of those slumps. Good luck bro; remember, the more miserable you are now, the happier you'll be later in your life.
PS: get a job. it sounds boring but trust me: the feeling you get after doing something well and having people depend on you is one of the best feelings in the world; it makes you value your life and your ability to contribute to that life. Some of the best days of my life were spent working at a recycling plant. Generally speaking (for me anyway) skilled labor (programming) > light physical labor (recycling plant) > mind numbing factory labor, but get what you can get. See if any of the local newspapers have any internship openings; even if its unpaid you'll still have a lot of fun.
Whatever you do, don't read these posts and feel better about yourself just because people are giving you solutions when you asked. If you don't go out and accomplish something with your life these same people will look at you, drunk in the gutter, and shake their heads and say, "I told him..."
Everyone can do great things, and all of the people who have have been through what you're experiencing right now. Just... go out and do something.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this. I know what I had was not uncommon, but the verbal reassurance is appreciated.
I actually have no need for money. I'm financially assured both by my parents (they pay my school fees) and by another personal form of income. I've never had a summer vacation of a job since I was 14 maybe? I've had two jobs: Ticket salesman at an amusement park and Video-Gaming Testing Consultant (Q&A for a lot of games you guys know). All my other summers have revolved around 6 weeks of summer camp in Switzerland, Jersey, North Carolina and then Summer School, Summer School, Summer School. That's right, since secondary 2 (8th grade), I've only had summer school. I won't have another summer until I am 24 or when my university ends (a.k.a in 2-3 years).
Because my parents are paying for my tuition, I need to finish university in 3 years (or when I'm 24). Now, most people would say: Fuck them, but then I just bring them back to that situation where I can't quit school because XYZ will happen.
I actually dream of trying to do a rather trivial and redundant job. I've only done it once and I never enjoyed it, but the social interactions were unique and perpetually infectious (making me feel a lot more accepted and social).
A big shame is that I tend to become obnoxious and annoying the more comfortable I get with people.
I appreciate your suggestions and tips a lot. I might and will probably consider them in the near future.
On May 26 2011 09:13 mucker wrote:
Do you exercise? Sounds like you don't and need to. It is cliched but simple and true; an hour of cardio a day will greatly improve your mood and focus.
No I don't exercise, my father is a cardiologist, so he very likely agrees with you (as a professional and as a father).
I think you're right and I am having nostalgic remembrances of gym class during my previous years of school
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What? No. I just read your post and much of it was 'well, i can't do this because of x y and z...'
That's not a solution, its worse; its an acknowledgement of a problem without any desire to actually solve it. I advise you to start trying to recognize when you do that because reading this post you do it a lot.
And yes, you should definitely get a job. Even if its a part-time job at your school (I worked for two days a week for most of this semester) being part of a team and accomplishing something and - even better - getting paid is very important.
You sound very ambitious. A lot of people misunderstand the word ambition; it doesn't mean wanting to succeed, it means wanting to be recognized for succeeding. Thats why truely ambitious people are rarely happy until they start accomplishing things for themselves. If you're being supported by your parents and money is not a problem, its not suprising to me (as I am going through the same thing) that you're upset with your life right now; you're starting to realize that any success you've ever accomplished has been, at least partly, through the sweat of other people.
What have you done? I climbed mount kilimanjaro, but it was with my dad and he paid for the entire trip. I do not feel like I have climbed a mountain, because it was easy and natural. Accomplishing things which are easy and natural do not generate meaning in life. On the other hand, organizing a system at the recycling plant for more efficently recycling electronics - two bins set up for each catagory, covered and uncovered electronics, each bin cycled out as it was filled and the empty one moved forward, CPU monitors and smallish televisions recieving similar treatment... Well, lets just say I learned more about myself at the plant than I did on the mountaintop.
Now, I don't know you. But I think this is probably why you enjoy writing so much; its not because you think you're good or because you think you could be good or because you actually are good, its because its something that you accomplish all by your self without help from anybody else. Then you show it to other people and they say, "I don't understand what this is" and you're crushed, heartbroken because you think to yourself, this is a reflection on me, this is my art and my craft and its the only thing I've ever done for myself and its horrible, I must be horrible. And that isn't true; you are simply approaching competence for the first time in your life. This is also why you don't feel any need to write anything; its because you don't actually like writing. You just like it when people look at you and say, yes this is a real individual person.
One thing SC2 has taught me is that greatness and success and brilliance are built almost entirely through rote effort, pure brute force. Sure you can have chess prodigys, but the chess prodigys that become the masters of the game are the ones who obsess over it, studying the game constantly and playing it over and over and over. Bobby Fischer didn't pick up a chess set the day he faced kasparov; he had played for years and years and studied harder than you or I have ever worked.
You won't start feeling satisfied with your life until you realize that success comes from hard work, not innate brilliance. The best way to get there is to start working. Thats why you need a job.
EDIT: I just read through this again and it seems like, incredibly harsh which wasn't what I wanted to say at all. I guess I'm kind of writing to myself here as well as you. I just picked up an internship for this summer through a friend of mine's dad (yeech) and I think I'm kind of projecting my own dissatisfaction onto you, so please don't take it personally.
$13 an hour/40 hour weeks though, not bad money if you can get it.
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You know what you have to do. Shove yourself into the state of not giving a fuck. You took the path of least resistance and now everything ahead looks dull I'm sure. If you want to feel satisfied then you have to do something that will fulfill what you want out of life. You've lived an easy life by the sound of it and you realize that you won't be able to remain a kid forever.
Figure out how you want to change the world and then go after it. If you don't actually know what you want to do with your life and your instinct is telling you not to finish the path you've chosen then it could be right.
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I've been in a very similar situation in the recent years, with the parental support through higher education, summer school, probable need to exercise, mixed reviews (of my music composition and performance), etc. For me, rebound, recovery, and reward required a paradigm shift in how I defined and thought about success.
In general, I would argue that success is typically defined socioeconomically in some way. For what I would call the prevailing paradigm, the social aspect comes from the acknowledgement others give you for your achievements, the caliber of which is often measured through economic viability and success, whereas the economic success obviously comes from the money you actually rake in. Or, a bit more abstractly, a higher ladder ranking or win-loss ratio, etc. I would argue that ultimately, it is instead the social aspect of success that should be the top priority when you are trying to discover what makes you, you. Not to say that money is not important, but in my experience it does not address the psychological strife you seem to be going through at the moment (as did I). Also, especially when it comes to personal expression through art or other means, while William Faulkner's point certainly makes sense given the way we traditionally view success, it takes way from the process that makes art, art. Nobody would really care if a computer generated Mozart's symphonies or Shakespeare's plays, but the fact that it came from what we consider a "creative" source with some underlying passion for the process as well as the outcome, makes these works appealing.
What I ended up doing is to change my focus to the social aspect of success, and to try and figure out a way to achieve that as a primary goal, with the economic success as a secondary goal. An interesting observation I made while thinking about these things is that while it is easy for people to acknowledge economic success and characteristics that lead to it, people are genuinely attracted by passion. And I say "genuinely" to distinguish this type of attraction from that which results in things like sugar daddies/mommies and trophy wives/husbands who are criticized for marrying for money, not love. Why do underground artists have cult followings? Why do mainstream artists get called out for "selling out" so often? Why can you be a successful SC2 caster while not necessarily being a Grandmaster? Why do some people even care about antiques? Even if underground artists aren't currently economically successful and may never be, people know that their motives are driven by passion. On the other hand, with mainstream artists it becomes less clear that the primary motivation is passion, rather than money. People buy antiques because some random guy 100+ years ago poured out everything into carving some (not necessarily) dinky piece of furniture that managed to last as a testament to that dedication to the craft. And a lot of SC2 casters, while not necessarily progamer material, have an intense passion for the game and are able to share that with others, and are often criticized, fade into obscurity if they fail to do so, or have to continue on in spite of all of this and eventually get props for being so dedicated. In some of these cases, having that social success first has lead to secondary economic success. In other cases, not so. But for me, it addressed the issue. And when starting over again in terms of social interactions during my first year of medical school, I found that my passion for music has come to be acknowledged as success, in its own right. And that in spite of any actual economic success, the expectation is either that it would not be out of reach or not even necessary to justify it.
Analogously, within a medical specialty, the doctors that are considered competent by patients, and less sued for malpractice than the those that are considered incompetent by patients are those who have a genuine passion and care for the patients, not necessarily those who make the least mistakes. There's stats to back that up too, pretty sure.
I don't have any empirical data or other forms of research on hand to back up a lot this, but it is what worked for me so maybe it'll help you too. For example, in your blog, you state that the fundamental issue is not having anything that you have a passion for, become something that you are proud of. Hopefully we would agree that the passion is not the problem, but the lack of pride and sense of accomplishment. And you frame the issue in terms of ability to write, people's acknowledgement of your ability to write, your ability to understand the material you are learning, your ability to get good grades, your ability to win while laddering, etc. So it looked like a similar sort of situation in which everything seemed to hinge heavily on the "economic" side of things, with extrinsic motivation fueling it, with the "social" side as a secondary benefit, with intrinsic motivation on the back-burner. Either way, I hope you find your way well, and have fun with it!
tl;dr
current paradigm
extrinsic motivation => economic success => economic success + social success
desired paradigm
intrinsic motivation => social success => social success +/- economic success
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Holy shit, a lot of large replies. I will reply to them now. I just had to clarify something with Tnkted which will help extinguish the ideas that I'm just a sulking whiner who just says "I can't, I can't, I can't".
In the end, it will become that with my future replies, the stubborn helpless fool, but not on the grounds he thinks (there is a valid reasoning why I can't get a job or quit school, promise).
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On May 26 2011 10:09 BabyToss! wrote:
Ahhh, reading your blog reminds me of myself so much, good sire.
What I want to say is, that only the passionate, feeling, perceptive and caring person can feel this way and be expressive in way you are. You feel this way because you want to have something to fill up the 'void' in your heart. To know that something you do, that you do it well and you can feel an accomplishment. It's hard to 'not give fuck' when you care about something. So I think asking yourself to do that would be only denying the reality that you simply do care. Feeling always being on the square one, not progressing is the worst possible punishment for you, isn't it?
I've had my own share of experience in this throughout the life. Both writting and StarCraft abilities are affected the way you feel. If you feel frustrated, nothing of those will go well. Although, depending on what you enjoy to write, you might want to have certain mood, whereas in StarCraft you need to be relaxed and confident in yourself.
I wish I had some real advice for you, because I truly like seeing passionate people to go and cut through their own struggles, to come out as those, who overcome all of these, in the end to turn out to be happy with what they love doing. It gives me an inspiration for myself as well, to keep fighting for my own dreams, no matter what.
Keep fighting. :-)
Ah, I'm glad I remind of you. I hope you like yourself because then I wouldn't feel so flattered.
Yeah I do. I don't mean to be cliche, but everything I eat now tastes bland, almost junk. I'm drinking black cheery Cane sugared soda, quite a rarity for me (I've never had cane sugar, but I'm warming up to it) and usually, I love the taste, this deep and rich feeling of a bitter fizz, yet it has a nice kick at the end, like the end of a dissolved sugar in coffee or brown sugar in a crepe. Love the cane sugar. But lately everything just tastes bland, instantly recognized and expected. Even these steaks I love to cook have become stale in taste and redundant, I've eaten it before, but everything else I try to make just becomes equally lacking in life.
Feeling always being on the square one, not progressing is the worst possible punishment for you, isn't it?
Yes, 100% My biggest hate in life is wasting time and when I try so hard for something and it only comes back to me as being back where I first started, I get frustrated, annoyed, helpless. I feel like I'm swimming against the tide and no matter how hard I breathe, practice the motion and technique, I'm still not going anywhere and I just want to drown, give up and start a new life, a new direction (even though the same thing will just reoccur).
Lemme know how it works out for you. I, too, enjoy a classic story of willingness and empowerment to push through!
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On May 26 2011 10:51 tnkted wrote:
What? No. I just read your post and much of it was 'well, i can't do this because of x y and z...'
That's not a solution, its worse; its an acknowledgement of a problem without any desire to actually solve it. I advise you to start trying to recognize when you do that because reading this post you do it a lot.
And yes, you should definitely get a job. Even if its a part-time job at your school (I worked for two days a week for most of this semester) being part of a team and accomplishing something and - even better - getting paid is very important.
You sound very ambitious. A lot of people misunderstand the word ambition; it doesn't mean wanting to succeed, it means wanting to be recognized for succeeding. Thats why truely ambitious people are rarely happy until they start accomplishing things for themselves. If you're being supported by your parents and money is not a problem, its not suprising to me (as I am going through the same thing) that you're upset with your life right now; you're starting to realize that any success you've ever accomplished has been, at least partly, through the sweat of other people.
What have you done? I climbed mount kilimanjaro, but it was with my dad and he paid for the entire trip. I do not feel like I have climbed a mountain, because it was easy and natural. Accomplishing things which are easy and natural do not generate meaning in life. On the other hand, organizing a system at the recycling plant for more efficently recycling electronics - two bins set up for each catagory, covered and uncovered electronics, each bin cycled out as it was filled and the empty one moved forward, CPU monitors and smallish televisions recieving similar treatment... Well, lets just say I learned more about myself at the plant than I did on the mountaintop.
Now, I don't know you. But I think this is probably why you enjoy writing so much; its not because you think you're good or because you think you could be good or because you actually are good, its because its something that you accomplish all by your self without help from anybody else. Then you show it to other people and they say, "I don't understand what this is" and you're crushed, heartbroken because you think to yourself, this is a reflection on me, this is my art and my craft and its the only thing I've ever done for myself and its horrible, I must be horrible. And that isn't true; you are simply approaching competence for the first time in your life. This is also why you don't feel any need to write anything; its because you don't actually like writing. You just like it when people look at you and say, yes this is a real individual person.
One thing SC2 has taught me is that greatness and success and brilliance are built almost entirely through rote effort, pure brute force. Sure you can have chess prodigys, but the chess prodigys that become the masters of the game are the ones who obsess over it, studying the game constantly and playing it over and over and over. Bobby Fischer didn't pick up a chess set the day he faced kasparov; he had played for years and years and studied harder than you or I have ever worked.
You won't start feeling satisfied with your life until you realize that success comes from hard work, not innate brilliance. The best way to get there is to start working. Thats why you need a job.
EDIT: I just read through this again and it seems like, incredibly harsh which wasn't what I wanted to say at all. I guess I'm kind of writing to myself here as well as you. I just picked up an internship for this summer through a friend of mine's dad (yeech) and I think I'm kind of projecting my own dissatisfaction onto you, so please don't take it personally.
$13 an hour/40 hour weeks though, not bad money if you can get it.
Don't worry about being harsh, I need a good kick in the butt or a slap in the face/brick in the gut.
Shamefully, my parents do support me a lot. I sent you the reason why I can't get out of it (and for those assuming, it's not a psychological fear of being alone). Given the situation I told you privately, I can't do anything for myself necessarily, at least, in terms of making my own money, etc.
I think your view of me writing is spot-on, but a miss. Yes, I do believe me writing is perhaps just an outlet to prove myself and to others (even those who don't know my situation) that I can achieve something artistically beautiful (in general). A form or way of showing myself as an independent thinker and expressionist. But to say I don't like writing is a bit far-fetched. If I could trade writing for singing, I don't think I would purely because writing is just so much more beautiful, infinite in possibilities and more practical in everyday life. I do like writing for the reactions of others, so maybe you're not that off as I think you are and that's fair to say.
I just want to be a part of something big. I know I have the diligence, time and energy to do it. I literally spend hours on these forums posting, reading and forming views and opinions (even if they are one-liners sometimes). I used to do this extensively with other forums because I feel I am contributing, I am constantly in communication with several people at once and we are discussing things that matter even if our opinions hardly change anything in the end.
I've been a part of a lot of things, small things, usually they never flourish or I jump off before it sinks and everyone becomes bitter. I think in the end, I just need to find a project and start on it on my own. I did that with the university's Starcraft club and it's looking good, there's a big worry coming this semester, but for now, I won't worry about it.
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On May 26 2011 10:58 MiniRoman wrote:
You know what you have to do. Shove yourself into the state of not giving a fuck. You took the path of least resistance and now everything ahead looks dull I'm sure. If you want to feel satisfied then you have to do something that will fulfill what you want out of life. You've lived an easy life by the sound of it and you realize that you won't be able to remain a kid forever.
Figure out how you want to change the world and then go after it. If you don't actually know what you want to do with your life and your instinct is telling you not to finish the path you've chosen then it could be right.
I just did today. Went 2 and 5 making my SC2 1v1 score: 9 and 25. I'm not hugely bothered, not to the point of throwing temper tantrums and climbing walls, but I am a bit bummed. I'm trying hard not to feel remotely aggravated.
I'm far from a kid. In fact, from my previous blogs, I've consistently reminiscence of the time when I was a child. Free of metaphysics and the constant worries of friends, family and schooling. My life is far from easy, while financially speaking it's better than most, everything that surrounds it is emotionally draining and problematic (I wish I could delve into it).
I can't quit school, I explained it to one person, but I don't feel comfortable telling more.
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On May 26 2011 11:37 13th Marine wrote:
I've been in a very similar situation in the recent years, with the parental support through higher education, summer school, probable need to exercise, mixed reviews (of my music composition and performance), etc. For me, rebound, recovery, and reward required a paradigm shift in how I defined and thought about success.
In general, I would argue that success is typically defined socioeconomically in some way. For what I would call the prevailing paradigm, the social aspect comes from the acknowledgment others give you for your achievements, the caliber of which is often measured through economic viability and success, whereas the economic success obviously comes from the money you actually rake in. Or, a bit more abstractly, a higher ladder ranking or win-loss ratio, etc. I would argue that ultimately, it is instead the social aspect of success that should be the top priority when you are trying to discover what makes you, you. Not to say that money is not important, but in my experience it does not address the psychological strife you seem to be going through at the moment (as did I). Also, especially when it comes to personal expression through art or other means, while William Faulkner's point certainly makes sense given the way we traditionally view success, it takes way from the process that makes art, art. Nobody would really care if a computer generated Mozart's symphonies or Shakespeare's plays, but the fact that it came from what we consider a "creative" source with some underlying passion for the process as well as the outcome, makes these works appealing.
What I ended up doing is to change my focus to the social aspect of success, and to try and figure out a way to achieve that as a primary goal, with the economic success as a secondary goal. An interesting observation I made while thinking about these things is that while it is easy for people to acknowledge economic success and characteristics that lead to it, people are genuinely attracted by passion. And I say "genuinely" to distinguish this type of attraction from that which results in things like sugar daddies/mommies and trophy wives/husbands who are criticized for marrying for money, not love. Why do underground artists have cult followings? Why do mainstream artists get called out for "selling out" so often? Why can you be a successful SC2 caster while not necessarily being a Grandmaster? Why do some people even care about antiques? Even if underground artists aren't currently economically successful and may never be, people know that their motives are driven by passion. On the other hand, with mainstream artists it becomes less clear that the primary motivation is passion, rather than money. People buy antiques because some random guy 100+ years ago poured out everything into carving some (not necessarily) dinky piece of furniture that managed to last as a testament to that dedication to the craft. And a lot of SC2 casters, while not necessarily progamer material, have an intense passion for the game and are able to share that with others, and are often criticized, fade into obscurity if they fail to do so, or have to continue on in spite of all of this and eventually get props for being so dedicated. In some of these cases, having that social success first has lead to secondary economic success. In other cases, not so. But for me, it addressed the issue. And when starting over again in terms of social interactions during my first year of medical school, I found that my passion for music has come to be acknowledged as success, in its own right. And that in spite of any actual economic success, the expectation is either that it would not be out of reach or not even necessary to justify it.
Analogously, within a medical specialty, the doctors that are considered competent by patients, and less sued for malpractice than the those that are considered incompetent by patients are those who have a genuine passion and care for the patients, not necessarily those who make the least mistakes. There's stats to back that up too, pretty sure.
I don't have any empirical data or other forms of research on hand to back up a lot this, but it is what worked for me so maybe it'll help you too. For example, in your blog, you state that the fundamental issue is not having anything that you have a passion for, become something that you are proud of. Hopefully we would agree that the passion is not the problem, but the lack of pride and sense of accomplishment. And you frame the issue in terms of ability to write, people's acknowledgement of your ability to write, your ability to understand the material you are learning, your ability to get good grades, your ability to win while laddering, etc. So it looked like a similar sort of situation in which everything seemed to hinge heavily on the "economic" side of things, with extrinsic motivation fueling it, with the "social" side as a secondary benefit, with intrinsic motivation on the back-burner. Either way, I hope you find your way well, and have fun with it!
tl;dr
current paradigm
extrinsic motivation => economic success => economic success + social success
desired paradigm
intrinsic motivation => social success => social success +/- economic success
It's odd that the longest reply with the most potential depth and educational thought (meaning factual) would have me reply with the least amount of words. In reality of it all, I'm not sure of anything. What I want to do is the end-result of what I am doing now. I want to write something where some people will like it, understand and instantly recognize a depth I've yet to dig with my feathered pen and ink. I want to go out to restaurants and eat a dish that is glorious and color, yet comfortable and seamless in taste and eat it alongside someone who can equally appreciate great food. I want a group of friends where I know I can confine with them and rely on their care and expertise to reassure me that whatever I am troubled with is nothing to worry about. I want a form of social interaction where I don't need to conform to the norms of irresponsible drinking and vulnerability associated by inebriation.
Like everyone, I want to succeed at some part of my life that I can rely or run to whenever another part heavily troubles me.
Economically, if I have a roof on my head, food on the table and money to buy a few frivolous things a month, I'd be satisfied. I have very low expectations financially because I never liked nor cared for money. I don't care if my job has little pay, so long as it is contributory to the world, to society. That I fit in purely as myself and become fundamentally cooperative with the world. I want a job I can be sentimentally proud of not because of its pay, but because of its stature and knowledge that what I am doing is propelling whatever aspect of the world, whether its pushing E-Sports, uniting communities into a large project or assisting others with their psychological problems.
I feel I don't ask for a lot, but there's not a single star in the sky. In the reality of it all, I need to stop asking and start answering my own desires.
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I didn't say to quit school, that was your interpretation. I still fail to see the point in getting a degree you see as pointless. If you can justify that go right on ahead~
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I apologize if it is a misinterpretation.
The education is for me, but the choice I'm making to stay is for other people.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/Xeroxer/Untitled-2154.png)
