Right... I saw a few people pouring their heart, anger and soul into these blogs and although I'm no wizard in the articulation department, I felt this surge of expression coming out, but I have nowhere else to vomit, so I'll do it here!
If you're unsure of what this blog is about, it's just generally food for thought [of my day] so 1. ease back and get out your utensils, 2. don't fill up on bread and 3. tip your waiter with your own thoughts or sentiments.
Thanks
Winter Parmesan and Myself, Tortellini Just simply generalities
Lately I've been feeling a bit under the weather, I can crack a smile to keep my peers sound, even let a one-note chuckle seep through my lips if appearances matter. But as soon as I hit home; see my mattress and bare room, I just collapse. All jests, mirages or masks that's been collected over the day are hung with my tie, sweater and socks.
Today I have no class, in fact, I only have class about 2 days a week, so I generally have a lot of time free if I stack my priorities right. However, ever since my girlfriend of 4 years (almost 5) left me, I never truly realized how anti-social and quiet my life has been. Additionally, since the age of 16, I've only been with one woman, so the idea of dating, meeting women and socializing are beyond my scope of recognition or intellect.
I'll spare you guys the diatribe of my life and my predicament and just get straight to today. Today's Friday, no class, just myself, some Dr. Pepper and the quality time I spend at home. It's a classic day in Montreal (here's how it looks outside my window in Spring/Summer):
I did not do much today, lounge around as I typically do, try some Starcraft, but I soon grew to be tired of it all: the resorting to my outlet, my entertainment that I despise because of how much it affects me emotionally (I get so angry when I lose, when things don't go the way I want, plan, think, project), the inability to be conventional with society and its positive views of socializing on a classy Friday night and the eventual procrastination of my work. With a total of 9 losses on the 1v1 Ladder today (read 'em and weep), I didn't feel much interest to keep playing Starcraft 2, especially since my New Year's Resolution (yes, some people still try and do those) is to learn when to stop playing when angry or frustrated.
I love Starcraft 2. I love the strategy, the discussion, the general cooperation of understanding a moment, a sport, or match and the competitive nature and civility that comes with and is moderated by Team Liquid [and their staff]. As for playing it? Sometimes, I feel the obligation to do so because of the community I've founded (CSC), sometimes I just play in fear that if I stop or I consider another project, place or aspect in my life, I won't feel as achieved or as comfortable as I do with Starcraft. There is still plenty to do with this game and plenty I want to try such as commentating (need to find places where I can do more of this). But sometimes, it just feels forced to play, the obligation to stay somewhat in touch with the game so I can remain a part of a community or at least remain satisfied in one part of my life, rather than drifting forward like eroded pebbles on [in?] a riverbed. If I stop now, I will come to realization that my life is bare, out-of-touch with society and aimless. Knowing this, I am not sure if that just further perpetuates the idea that I am very tolerant of my own predicaments or a step closer to realizing a life I can be proud of.
In any case, I shut off Starcraft 2, disgruntled, and just laid back and let the time pine away: 10:40. My fridge was empty and so was my stomach, I just saw The Time Traveler's Wife for the 4th time this week:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gu8lYr0kf7g
Call me what you want, question my stereotyped masculinity, but I absolutely adore this movie. Rachel McAdams is no A-Class actress and yes, she is type-casted, but what I adored and envy about this movie, the characters and the plot is they live a general life (minus the cog of time-traveling) that I want to aspire to. My dreams were never driven to a certain career, public status or a high materialistic standard. It's always been this simplistic feel of peace. To live a day as it is with no contingencies of the past affecting my mood and nothing on the horizon to tempt my worrisome brows. I would love to spend a day in my current life and age that would rival the irresponsible day-to-day happenings of my childhood. Ever spend a day in bed? Shower with your clothes on? Purposely spill milk on a counter? Probably not and why would you? But then again, why the hell not? It's silly, odd and questionable, but it steps you out of the norms and conventions we usually just abide to. I suppose I'm rambling now, but I had someone in my life where we did all of these things, just silly stuff without a care of the results, consequences or views of others. In any case, I love this film because it uses a man's condition of time-traveling to beautifully set up moments of general romanticism, but to also create realistic instances we can all relate to in the future or even now (trying not to spoil anything). In conclusion, if you want to just watch a generally decent and feel-good film, I suggest this movie, especially if you're watching with a young dame who enjoys romanticizing an evening.
10:40 still and I've grown weary of kicking myself for being alone, seeing as how I had someone a few months back and the one thing I think about is how much I miss sleeping in bed with her. No foreplay, no sex, no cliche movie scene where we exchange adoring stares at one another as the sunshine creeps from the bottom of our bed (haha, I think I contradicted myself since the movie I suggested above has that). I just miss those days where I would sleep and my hands would crawl to her side, cradle her in them and exchange a warmth that is greater than any happiness I ever knew before. Now; as I sit on this chair, typing this despair I feel, I realize that if I turn around to my bedroom, I will only be haunted by a mattress-like coffin and the reminder of this lonely man. The blankets are ruffled, the sheets are a mess and the pillows are dull. I miss her and I miss the times in-between our best moments: where the simple times of riding the train together, eating lunch or walking down the street were a normality that I took for granted, didn't fully understand or grasp. Every night, I feel the exhaustion of the day and I feel the exhaustion of every other single man out there feels: sleeping alone.
Jesus, this turned into a big whinefest about a fucking girl. As I showered, I contemplated the places I could go on a Friday night. I could try a bar, but I don't drink and this suggestion my friends gave me was coupled by chuckles and snickers, leaving me to wonder if they were serious about finding women in a bar. I tried Craigslist just earlier, just to find at least some friends to enjoy a meal with, but I was quickly intimidated by some of the messages some people put out there. I never realized how sexually-driven and desperate some people are, it's nothing unusual or rare, but to verbalize it so openly on the internet is something entirely shocking to me, I guess I'm a bit naive. The homosexuals, especially, seem quite... direct with what they want and how they want it. Here are some examples, caution, it is a bit... blunt and NSFW
This is to the FAT FUCK on the 164 at 12:10 am bus on Friday January 29th 2011 - You Fat fuck - Next time you pick a fight and harass people I will fucking take you down! The bus driver didn't even have the smart mind to throw you off the bus- What an idiot of a bus driver. How dare you harrass that kid with no reason and disturbing the bus- Fat Fuck - Next time I will personally throw you off the bus!!!!!
23year old looking for older looks dont matter to fuck my mouth hard and then feed me cum with a spoon;)
Those are some of the things you find on craigslist. I was so frightened and intimidated, I quickly exited out. One thing I've always wondered throughout my years is how people can engage in casual sex. No slant of views implied, just generally curious as to how people can, upon hours of meeting someone, engage in coitus or intercourse. It's all about the relief of a sexual desire or thirst, but at the same time, I would never be comfortable enough to reveal myself sexually to a person upon the first encounter. That's just me, hence the question. It's always dawned my interest and inquisitive-like nature about people. I assume it's just the drive and need, but at the same time, I'm sure there is more than just that for justifications (at a young age, it's, presumably, just sexual discovery and hormones). Point being; craigslist has crossed my mind as a place to discover and understand the world of dating, chasing of another gender (or same for some) to fulfill a role of sexual, emotional or physical dependency, but every time I delve in there, I feel uncomfortable, scared, on the tip of the diving board, fearful of what kind of people I'll meet or come in contact with. I suppose that's normal, but my inability to go through with it is perhaps not. Maybe I can turn this blog into a Craigslist Chronicle, where each entry becomes a story of how a date or encounter went? Perhaps...
Getting out of the shower, I abandoned all ideas, got dressed and just went to Reuben's. A gourmet deli restaurant where I'm a regular at:
However, as I stepped outside, it felt relatively quiet. I don't know why, but when I stepped out, everything was still. It was this... this magical feeling of solitude and calm in the air. From beyond I could hear a faint whistling sound, perhaps the sounds of cars whizzing past, everyone bent on getting where they need to go, perhaps just the faint coo of the city. But I was here, just outside the entrance of my building, built on top of a previously still side of the city. This was the winter I enjoyed the most: the days where the wind settled for the evening, the snow continues to pile like sand on the beach, yet contrasting with feeling and lack of warmth. My shoes dug into the dusted path and no sign of life besides the very breath that vanishes from my pursed lips. I slipped my headphones on and strolled through the dimming life of the city as the moon chimed 11:00 P.M. I felt this song was quite appropriate. Caution: it's jazz:
I've been to Reuben's every week, at least once a week. I no longer go there for the food, nor the atmosphere, but simply for the feeling of recognition. The feeling that sitcoms of the 80s (Cheers) dwell around. The sentiment that the bartender knows my order, how many drinks I can drink and the conversations that will pass. I usually go late at night so we can chat, so I can say what I'm writing to you now, but more casual and intentionally thought of ahead of time, to induce answers from her that I want. Is that normal? Do people do this? Where they intentionally select specific wordings days or hours ahead of the encounter to ensure they get the establish initial impression that they want with people they want something from or want to maintain a relationship with? I've been doing it since the age of nine and just assumed, for the most part, that everyone did it, but now I feel it's, perhaps, manipulative, and unnatural, especially if you're amongst peers where you can improvise your thoughts, words and feelings without the fear of rejection, misunderstanding or projection of preconceived notions about you or your personality. Maybe...
Overall, I gave her the 411 on my situation. She was a bit temperamental that I didn't have a girl in my life considering how nice and sweet I am [according to her (maybe I intentionally portrayed myself that way to get her sympathy in case of moments like these?)]. She gallantly said she'd find someone for me and I joshed, as I left, to give me a holler if she did. She doesn't have my number and we only see each other once a week, so I think her goal to find me someone was just spontaneous and sympathetic, I appreciate the thought, but would not hold my breath. To be honest, if she hooked me up with that quiet and reserved blond hostess that I see every week, I'd appreciate it! Her name's Arianne (the other one I see is called Tania). They both have smiles that leave an imprint on my mind. I know they have to smile and be polite, but I suppose it's the Halo Effect that's got me infatuated with them. I think overall, I just would like someone to enjoy time with. Art museums, Jazz, dinners and movies. The carousel of events that couples jump hoops through to establish a connection is something I thrive for (of course, the in-between moments are also a cove of pearls for me!).
Nonetheless, I end the night with this: three Cokes in my bladder (I've gone to pee three times since I've started writing this), weary eyes and the resistance to sleep alone.
P.S: I love jazz. How do I describe jazz? How do I describe its beauty, subtlety and non-intrusive expression of generalities? I'm listening to Vince Guaraldi's Pebble Beach and I have trouble articulating how it makes me feel. I just get this sense of relaxation, simple enjoyment and ease. The tempo, the piano, the gentle and docile tone of the entire song soothes me, ceases the noise in my mind, my thoughts, inquiries in life and just whispers suggestions: listen it says, just settle down, sit back and listen. Listen to me play the piano. Listen to my cymbals, to the string of notes and just let your surroundings pass by you. You have me, you have this tune, this lullaby of maturity and persuasion...
That was like reading some of my own thoughts there. At least to me it was very well put and especially well articulated, and thank God someone out there enjoys some good jazz still.
I feel the same way you do about playing SC, I mean Im jsut not that good lol, but I absolutely LOVE SC and the community. I spend most of my free time watching streams
Learning to be alone after all years you spent with someone is a hard painful lesson but it's important, only time stands in your way(this I know). Enjoyed the read
On January 30 2011 00:26 kelstar wrote: Learning to be alone after all years you spent with someone is a hard painful lesson but it's important, only time stands in your way(this I know). Enjoyed the read
Thanks. I spared you the long-story of my life, but I've been fairly used to being alone (no communication with family, years of unwillingness to make friends, etc. etc.), this is just the tip of my resolved feelings of being alone for so many years.
It's a somewhat long story and a huge whinefest, so I didn't bother telling it.
Breakup three months ago (not as long, but a fantastic relationship - or at least I thought so at the time), realizing a lot of my free time is spent to myself, and on top of all that moving across the country away from friends and family. The only place I'm a regular is the department building where I take my grad classes and do research.
I liked your New Years Resolution ideas and would like to share some of mine: join a club, seek out one adventure a week, and put myself into new rooms where I can find some like minded people for friendship.
Your conversations with said bartender aren't what I'd call "manipulative", rather, forward planned. I think a lot of bartenders become impromptu therapists, so there's nothing wrong with asking random questions of people, especially if they understand you.
Though, I don't think it's uncommon for a good female friend to hear that you're single and want to get you with someone. I hear that all the time. They never do, but it's more the thought that counts. If you want my personal opinion, you have to learn how to be happy and fulfilled by yourself before you have any business making someone else happy and fulfilled. Stop looking and focus on you.
Thanks for the kind words. To be honest, a lot of what you're saying were things I thought of many years ago as a teenager, I'm not sure why I was unable to remember them until now.
As for your New Year's Resolution, if I could, I'd accompany you as bros and equally try and put ourselves in a room with like-minded people.
Cheers :3
I'm unsure if I should write an entry today, overall... I had a good day and discovered a lot more about what I need to do, etc.
On January 30 2011 14:33 Torte de Lini wrote: Thanks for the kind words. To be honest, a lot of what you're saying were things I thought of many years ago as a teenager, I'm not sure why I was unable to remember them until now.
As for your New Year's Resolution, if I could, I'd accompany you as bros and equally try and put ourselves in a room with like-minded people.
Cheers :3
I'm unsure if I should write an entry today, overall... I had a good day and discovered a lot more about what I need to do, etc.
Still unsure if it is noteworthy.
I'm curious about what you found since i'm finding myself in a close situation on the being alone part without friends or girlfriend.
You remind me of my brother, he loves his jazz and his culture. Sophisticated as i put it. I can somewhat relate to the loneliness but that's probably more of my choosing more than anything else. I'm quite reserved and i have a few friends that i constantly hang out with here and there but for most of the people that i know, i don't usually put effort into talking to them unless they initiate any conversation, phone, internet or otherwise.
Frankly if we met i'm sure we'd probably get along haha (minus the movies, i find them to be rather lacking in the enjoyment department)
On January 30 2011 19:32 FractalsOnFire wrote: You remind me of my brother, he loves his jazz and his culture. Sophisticated as i put it. I can somewhat relate to the loneliness but that's probably more of my choosing more than anything else. I'm quite reserved and i have a few friends that i constantly hang out with here and there but for most of the people that i know, i don't usually put effort into talking to them unless they initiate any conversation, phone, internet or otherwise.
Frankly if we met i'm sure we'd probably get along haha (minus the movies, i find them to be rather lacking in the enjoyment department)
I think my sophistication is just a front I put in order to put myself in a better light. In essence, I doubt I'm as sophisticated as your brother, but I appreciate the comparison :3
Originally, I chose to be alone. For years, I was content being alone, realizing that I didn't need anyone, just my games, my time alone and my music. Then I met her and she was all I need equally for years. I learned a lot during those 4 (5) years: trust, confidence, understanding, realizing not everyone thinks or feels the same way about things, etc.
I'm sure we would. If you ever stop by Montreal, give me a holler!
On January 29 2011 20:02 sc4k wrote: thanks for the expression. Now I'm going to do some expression...
I want your god damned job
You live in a country that has a lot of developing studios. You can get the job very easily (I got mine with no previous history).
It's not as glorious or as fun as you'd think.
you get to play game for money [for several months]!!! True that though, I would kill to be on playtesting for creative assembly D:
I fixed it for you :3. You're playing the same game for several months, 8 hours a day. I've done terrific games like Just Cause 2 for 3 months. I've done really atrocious games like Littlest Pet Shop for 4 months. 8 hours a day, 1/2 hour break.
In comparison to other jobs, it's amazing. When considered alone. Not so fantastic (let's not forget that your peers are... less than above-average when it comes to conversing about anything beyond the attractiveness of XYZ actress).
On January 30 2011 19:32 FractalsOnFire wrote: You remind me of my brother, he loves his jazz and his culture. Sophisticated as i put it. I can somewhat relate to the loneliness but that's probably more of my choosing more than anything else. I'm quite reserved and i have a few friends that i constantly hang out with here and there but for most of the people that i know, i don't usually put effort into talking to them unless they initiate any conversation, phone, internet or otherwise.
Frankly if we met i'm sure we'd probably get along haha (minus the movies, i find them to be rather lacking in the enjoyment department)
I think my sophistication is just a front I put in order to put myself in a better light. In essence, I doubt I'm as sophisticated as your brother, but I appreciate the comparison :3
Originally, I chose to be alone. For years, I was content being alone, realizing that I didn't need anyone, just my games, my time alone and my music. Then I met her and she was all I need equally for years. I learned a lot during those 4 (5) years: trust, confidence, understanding, realizing not everyone thinks or feels the same way about things, etc.
I'm sure we would. If you ever stop by Montreal, give me a holler!
Haha i definitely have to visit Canada one day anyway, one of the places i wanna goto before i die. Rather go there than the Septics down south.
On January 31 2011 21:56 TheJoyBringer wrote: Lady Language and I never got along too well, so instead of trying to express myself I'll leave you with this:
5/5
I think I prefer your attempt nonetheless. However this is equally appreciated!
Thank you Torte, for putting it so well; for drawing the picture of a feeling through moments of the day. I think I can say that I'm dealing with some of the same demons as you. I'm 26 years old. Up until a few years ago, I often felt with urges of going back to my childhood. Not in terms of having more time and less responsibility. I think, just for the wonderful feeling of comfort, the feeling that the world is a wonderful and wondrous place, and nothing beyond that. This urging back has often translated into a kind of escape from reality; the dream world, more specifically, since in my dreams I have been able to reproduce this feeling, often thinking myself to a place of warm comfort and no worries, only adventure and discovery.
My situation is a bit turned around, since I have yet to have a close intimate relationship with a girl, and feel that this is where I will be able to find my peace. Interpreting my desires for the feeling of comfort and ease of mind, I have often made the connection to the comfort that you get from a mother's warm touch and care. I realized that not only were my instincts pushing my towards women due to a sexual need, but that I was particularly enchanted at the sight of a woman showing warm love, understanding, tranquillity, caring (such are often the qualities of a mother). For many years now I have been searching for a partner, even though I wasn't really aware that this was what I was searching for. For some years, I had simply wanted to go to know women, be in contact with them, be close to them. Sitting in front of my computer, I didn't often have time to feel lonely, but in glimpses I can feel a kind of desperation; that something is missing.
I, too, delve into the world of writing, although my procrastination and inability to realize my plans has left me more of a thinker than a writer for the moment - so, as I often put it, I'm an "aspiring author", since in the end I want to publish books and spread my "essence" through the world of words. I am thinking that perhaps the writing comes from my very intellectual mind. It has recently been pointed out to me that I have an intellectual distance to something that people would often relate to emotionally. I discuss, I reason, I explain, I wonder, detail, ask, inquiry ... but when do I feel and act out emotions? I think my capacity for happiness at the moment is greater that yours, but you obviously feel a great hole in your life whereas I simply suspect one. However, I feel that my happiness perhaps is more often derived from a romanticized view of life rather than a spur of emotion. Like you, I am often too much in my head and plan out conversations. A fellow student at my master's degree in communication, a girl who became a very good friend of mine, with us eventually spending most of our time together, also insisted that I should not over-think things.
I think that when you plan conversations, it is became you fear meeting others. Not a conscious fear, but I have always had a hint of desperation in socializing with others. The feeling that you want to keep them entertained, that you often wonder what they are thinking. I have a comfort barrier that I need to break, and once I do, I am truly happy in the company of others. Shying away from groups, probably due to a bullied child-hood, I often find myself alone with just one person. If this person is someone I don't know too well, I have sometimes felt how I could over-think the situation or simply turn the conversation into an interview, driven by my endless curiosity. So, being less intellectual and more in the power of my feelings in something that I want to do. It requires you to let go, and that can be hard if you always find yourself separated from the world, a world that seems different from you and somehow alienates you.
Letting go, not being in control of things such as social interaction probably also related to another thing you mention; being manipulative. I almost always find myself the intellectual superior of others, and since I'm a strong-willed person with deep life principles, I sometimes find that I know what's best for others. I have slowly been ridding myself of this arrogance in the last few years, making it easier to turn into the social person that I'm slowly becoming, but I know that many times I do try to make people think and feel what I want them to feel. In this sense, I can be deeply manipulative, often subconsciously, in a way that I'm sure is not healthy for a relationship between people. Even though I'm a person who only wants good and would only do to people what I find would be in their own best interest. On the note of being a social person; having a strong intellect, and a very observant one at that, means that once you venture out into the world, there are many things that you can quickly grasp and understand. You quickly come to understand social patterns and feelings. The intellectual distance also allows me to be a very confident person, and I have never been afraid to be myself, and once I started being more social some years ago, I have never really had any social inhibitions relating to embarrassment, scorn or dislike from others, expectations, power distance or social stigma. Still, I find quite clearly that, as I lack experience, I don't really have the full picture, and I need specific situations to connect to others. I also find sometimes that I need for people to be in my depth somehow (that's my current interpretation, at least), most likely because I feel I am in theirs, feeling socially inadequate, and will not only do any favors asked of me, but will actively think of things I can do for others.
Maybe, reading this, you will think: "this is not me, but simply some strange guy caught in his own world". Still, I wanted to give you a chance for perspective and at the same time express a bit of the "vomit" built up while reading this.
PS: I love jazz, too, although I haven't really found any singers that I'm truly comfortable with. For a long time, I have preferred to soothing voices of female singers in regards to music, but for all the jazz singers there has always been something to the singers that would put me off a bit. Instead, I have went for people like Sara Bareilles and Regina Spektor for my regular listening (not that I have listened to music regularly in the last few years, but still).
Y'know, I've been holding off replying to your reply not only because I don't think I can match its length, but because it's been awhile since I wrote the entry, in fact, I'm not even sure how you found it since I've deviated from this format of narration awhile ago~
If it comforts you at all, I have not been with many women, I probably could and that's not being arrogant or cocky, just purely of confidence with my ability to socialize (and not technically get them in the sack). I never understood why or how being a virgin is something shameful. Are people ashamed that they haven't had intercourse at XYZ age? I've had it several times and it's doesn't change you significantly, at least not for me, it creates a new level of a bond with your partner, but it doesn't make you a sex-hound, revert your thoughts on relationships or really anything that the media heavily portrays.
Yeah, I am and was similar to how you were. I simply wanted to get to know women, have a different perspective of my views of the world, art, people and situations. Throughout my high-school, I'd reassure myself: "I bet I can make her happy, I bet she looked beautiful she smiled". These were often pointed towards those women who cherish more their gal-pals than their own physical beauty and outlook of men. They were never unattractive or repulsive, but often times just sat alone, unaccompanied by the hormonal men that often clung to the more "developed" women. But when they smiled, those naturally beautiful women, they had this serene atmosphere of just sincere beauty and heart-warming glee that would invoke anyone to strike up a conversation.
I never did talk to them, just remained within my innocent fantasy of selfless interests.
As for planning conversations, perhaps it is a fear. It seems likely, but I often do it to get the reaction or response that I want. This prevents being in a situation I can't control or setting it to a tone that doesn't gain me any initiative to pursue or gain an outcome that benefits me.
Norah Jones for Jazz man, she's a tough women to beat, she is soothful to the core:
EPT![[image loading]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/Xeroxer/PB210016.jpg)
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