Hi Tl. I have this girl problem and am looking for advices or personal experience.
I'm a 19 year old Vietnamese, in civil engineering (which my parents really disapprove of) and I've been going out with a half Vietnamese half Cambodian girl for the past 10 months. I really like her and I can also say she's probably the best friend I've ever had in my life.
In September, she insisted I presented her to my parents. It seemed that it was really important for her that my parents knew about us. I was really not looking forward for it, because, beyond the fact they are stereotypical asian parents, my mom is pretty much considered crazy among my friends. In fact, I don't recall the last time I brought friends at home, and all my friends (asian or not) who talked to my mother are generally traumatized even though they thought I was exaggerating.
So one day, I introduced her to my parents at home, we talked, although it was super awkward, it was honestly better than I expected. my girlfriend left and my mom comes to me and say in jokingly matter (I thought) "Couldn't you bring back someone with whom I can speak Vietnamese to?". She said it with a smile, so I didn't bother with that comment.
I have to add here, that before that day, I had always lied to my parents about my whereabouts. When I would be at her place, I'd systematically always lie. Couple of weeks after they met, I started saying that I was going to see her. One day, my mom stops me before I leave and says "Are you guys still together? I didn't think you would last". Another time, "You know, I'd prefer you guys are only friends". Again, "You are in college, you don't have time for dating girls, don't see her this often." Then, when I was out with her once, she called and asked with who I was, I said only my girlfriend and then she said "Why didn't you invite other friends?". At this point I'm like -___- because I want to be alone with her? DUH.
When I come back I confront my parents. Why are you so opposed that I go out with her? I honestly thought you guys were fine with it when you guys met. Their answer really bothered me "Because she is not Vietnamese". I'm like O_O really? I knew you guys were conservative, but at this point... SHE'S FREAKEN HALF VIETNAMESE IF BLOOD WAS THE MATTER.
Fast forward couple of months, I got back to lying to my parents about where I am and with who. My girlfriend doesn't understand a thing, especially since her parents think I'm the best thing that happened to her. Now and then, my parents will ask me, are you still with her, and when I say yes, they sigh and are clearly disappointed.
I'm asking you, fellow tl-ers, is their reaction normal? Are all parents like this? They don't like their kids dating other nationalities? Am I doing something I will regret later in life, like they put it?
My cousin always said that my parents are frustrated persons and will always find a reason to be against me, like when they disapproved of me going into engineering.
Many asian parents are like this, ignore it and move on. You are living in Canada not China. Asian parents are always so afraid of being looked down upon because their sons are not #1, not maintaining asian tradition, blah blah blah. It's your life, and honestly, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing.
I can tell you that it's definitely not an uncommon problem, though religion is probably more likely to be a cause than nationality/race. I think it's very likely that some parents may not want someone of a different nationality. Is it a problem? I say maybe, it really depends whether or not you think they'll accept her eventually. It's possible, but not certain. Doing what you want regardless of your parents, while sometimes a good thing, could be something bad because you don't want bad relations with your parents.
Tell them that you were planning to choose between her and a black person. Honestly, the prospect scared my parents into accepting my then-current girlfriend.
It's just narrow mindedness that occurs in a lot of oriental people. For the longest time, my parents would be unhappy with me going anywhere near black people and that's probably not the worst of it. It's no use reasoning with them since they think irrationally, so I just ignore everything they say.
On January 16 2011 12:05 Haemonculus wrote: Girl issues?
You've got parent issues, lol
Yes, I realised my title isn't appropriate after posting, sorry.
She didn't mean that as any type of a jab at the work you put into this thread... just pointing out an important perspective and showing that this isn't your fault.
If I were you I wouldn't let it bother me that your parents feel this way... you can't make them not want you to be with a girl of the bloodline they choose, but you CAN choose who you want to be with. If she likes you and her parents are supportive then that's more than enough reason to force your parents to deal with it, in my opinion.
You know your parents better than us and can better predict whether they will ever finally let this go or not, though.
I don't think its uncommon or exclusive to Asian parents. My mother tries to keep herself censored but I know she wants me to marry in the culture. I wouldn't worry about it, but listen and be respectful to your parents. If, like most relationships, it doesn't work out it'll be nice to have your parents support. If it does work out and this is the girl you want to marry/spend rest of your life with then make your stand Edit: Bad typing day
On January 16 2011 12:23 n.DieJokes wrote: I don't think its uncommon or exclusive to Asian parents. My mother tries to keep herself censored but I know she wants me to marry in the culture. I wouldn't worry about it, but listen and be respectful to your parents. If, like most relationships, it doesn't work out it'll be nice to have your parents support. If it does work out and this is the girl you want to marry/spend rest of your life with then make your stand Edit: Bad typing day
He's 19. Chances are he's not considering getting married.
But should your parent's racism ever really affect who you choose to date?
It's definitely not an uncommon problem. I think in the end you need to convince your parents to trust your judgment in people. They need to realize that the culture part is only a small factor.
I personally would find it boring to be with a girl with a shared culture. I already know enough about how families and girls in my culture behave. I'd rather find out about someone else's.
On January 16 2011 12:23 n.DieJokes wrote: I don't think its uncommon or exclusive to Asian parents. My mother tries to keep herself censored but I know she wants me to marry in the culture. I wouldn't worry about it, but listen and be respectful to your parents. If, like most relationships, it doesn't work out it'll be nice to have your parents support. If it does work out and this is the girl you want to marry/spend rest of your life with then make your stand Edit: Bad typing day
He's 19. Chances are he's not considering getting married.
But should your parent's racism ever really affect who you choose to date?
Since his parents are conservative chances are that dating someone automatically implies marriage in their head. Also, I don't think it's really racist. I don't think his parents mind him being with non-Vietnamese people. They'd rather just not have him date a non-Vietnamese (in their mind) girl.
Well, my mom would be happy with me dating anyone as long as they were between the ages of 15-40 and not a fellon. But my mom is white so probaly is irrelevent.
My dad, on the other hand, would disaprove of me dating a fat person. He just does not like them, which is awkward because I'm fat.
You will only regret it if you cut it off early (unless she gives you some kind of venerial desise, then you will definently regret it). Have fun
On January 16 2011 12:16 Haemonculus wrote: Last time i spoke with my mum about a boyfriend, she surprised me by asking quite awkwardly "so... Is he white?"
All parents are a bit weird.
It would be weird if they didn't care. I'm sure most parents are still not used to that.
EPT
