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hello my second family. I am finally in my senior year of high school and am plagued with the same shit all seniors have to go through like college essays. My english teacher had us write college essays to help us get into the basic idea of how to write one and I cranked this one out. Of course, the time will come when I will need to send in an actual college essay and I just wanted to get some advice on how I write and my essay.
I would be very thankful if you guys read this and gave me advice/comments. I know a lot of you guys have passed this stage of life and are in great colleges.
+ Show Spoiler +
Washing the Dishes
Chores are one of life's challenges that I used to complain about. Hearing my parents say “Take out the garbage” while I was playing video games could spoil my mood for the entire day. I understood doing my own chores like picking up after myself, but what allowed my parents to tell me to clean up after the entire family?
Unless my family eats outside, we eat dinner together in the dining room. In a family of five, there are a lot of dishes to wash, and four out of five days my mom will wash them all. I wash them the remaining day. Usually, while my mom washes the dishes, the rest of us are happily enjoying the television or lounging around, but sometimes I go to the dining room to get water. Always, she will greet me gently, “What are you looking for?” as I fill a cup of water and say nothing. My mom never looks burdened by the chore, but while I drink my water, I can always see the hidden strain on her face and the slight arch of her back to scrub at the entire family's dirty dishes, just looking at her makes me tired; yet I promise to myself that I will do the dishes tomorrow.
I never complain while doing dishes or any chores anymore. I understand that if complaining is futile because someone will have to do it eventually and that will be my mom. If my mom does it, I will see the same burdened look and decide to do it instead, continuing a vicious cycle. I want my mom to know that I am at least willing to cut some work off her busy schedule to give her a bit more leisure and hopefully when I am older will be able to let her retire earlier and live off my own income.
I'm not sure of the true reason why parents make their children do chores. It might be from their laziness or maybe they want their children to learn discipline. However, now chores remind me that I am blessed with a lifestyle in which I have simple household chores to do, that I could be so much worse somewhere else. My mom suffered so long doing ridiculous work before coming to the United States to do trivial housework—no wonder she does not complain. I am fortunate enough to have chores to do, but even though my siblings continue to groan about them, I never complain about having do spend a few minutes cleaning. At least when I leave for college, my mom will have one less set of dishes to clean.
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It seems more like a rant than an essay to me. What is your thesis? What are you trying to prove in this essay? Your body paragraphs and conclusion need more content and organization. Your first paragraph should be an outline to the rest of the essay, with your body paragraphs proving each point in your introduction in detail, and the conclusion should re-cap on the introduction.
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You really have high school writing something bad.
And honestly about college essays....I got into one of the best schools in the world and I literally clicked a few things and typed a few words, but no essay or response of any kind, and got in.
Im talking about Colorado School of Mines if people wanna say "no way dude, you cant get into a good school without an essay"
seriously, it's not that important at all. Do well on your tests, have calculus at least on your high school transcript and you'll be fine.
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On September 20 2010 12:31 Domonic wrote:
It seems more like a rant than an essay to me. What is your thesis? What are you trying to prove in this essay? Your body paragraphs and conclusion need more content and organization. Your first paragraph should be an outline to the rest of the essay, with your body paragraphs proving each point in your introduction in detail, and the conclusion should re-cap on the introduction.
I don't think that's the format of a college essay -.-;;; sure you have a theme but you're not writing a structured 7th grade research report.
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I think "Chores are one of life's challenges that I used to complain about" and "I never complain while doing dishes or any chores anymore" should be the things you are trying to have your reader think rather than explicitly read. Imagery is also extremely important; you want your reader to be able to experience the same moment you are describing. (I would suggest going to a bookstore and reading some published college application essays, they really do help) Not a bad start, but right now the essay seems sort of bland and uninteresting, keep working on it!
On September 20 2010 12:31 Domonic wrote:
It seems more like a rant than an essay to me. What is your thesis? What are you trying to prove in this essay? Your body paragraphs and conclusion need more content and organization. Your first paragraph should be an outline to the rest of the essay, with your body paragraphs proving each point in your introduction in detail, and the conclusion should re-cap on the introduction.
Absolutely not; this is a personal essay, not a middle school research paper.
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I'm guessing this is for college apps and not an actual essay?
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On September 20 2010 12:39 Loser777 wrote:Show nested quote +On September 20 2010 12:31 Domonic wrote:
It seems more like a rant than an essay to me. What is your thesis? What are you trying to prove in this essay? Your body paragraphs and conclusion need more content and organization. Your first paragraph should be an outline to the rest of the essay, with your body paragraphs proving each point in your introduction in detail, and the conclusion should re-cap on the introduction. I don't think that's the format of a college essay -.-;;; sure you have a theme but you're not writing a structured 7th grade research report.
Wrong. Although the essay is and should be a way for you to expose your personality (since the rest of your application is what you've done not why), an essay or any other introductory writing sample has to show you can write effectively. And that means you have to have a main thesis, supported with solid arguments or evidence, in a structure that presents the information clearly to the reader.
Back to the OP, it seemed unsure in this example what you were trying to say about yourself. Was it that your motivating factor in helping your mom was guilt? That you progressed from an ignorant childhood state into feeling some empathy for your parents? Or did it signify you were unable to understand a parents love and dedication for their child? An ending line like "she won't have another set of dishes to clean" makes it seem you don't have a very good understanding about your parents relationship to you at all.
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You know, the essay sounds a little juvenile. Just the subject matter of "I have to do chores" makes you sound juvenile. You want to sound like a college student. These essays are about presenting yourself in a positive light. Mentioning that you play video games and that your only responsibility is to do the dishes doesn't really scream "college ready," you know? While a lot of other applicants are gonna be the exact same, they probably won't mention it.
You talk about how your mom's not from the US. That is a terrific thing to emphasize. Colleges want to be diverse. If you emphasize how you bring their school diversity and perspective, they'll be more willing to accept you even if your grades and test scores aren't as good. I'd focus perhaps on what it was like for your family to get where they are and how that inspires you to continue down that path. If anything, emphasizing what makes you unique and different offers the best chance of your essay doing anything for your application.
Overall, these essays aren't that important. I got into a good school with a fantastic scholarship essentially off of good grades and a good ACT score. If anything, the college wants to know if you bring anything unique or any sort of different perspective to their school when they look at your essay. You want them to have the impression that you're ready for college and that you bring something that they can't find in other students. I think emphasizing your non-US heritage could potentially help that, especially if it's a classic "American dream" type story. If you're of Asian heritage (which seems likely since it's teamliquid), it won't help you as much as other ethnicities, but it could definitely still be a worthwhile thing to emphasize, especially since your mother at least is an immigrant. Colleges love stuff like that.
Good luck with your apps!
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On September 20 2010 12:45 synapse wrote:I think "Chores are one of life's challenges that I used to complain about" and "I never complain while doing dishes or any chores anymore" should be the things you are trying to have your reader think rather than explicitly read. Imagery is also extremely important; you want your reader to be able to experience the same moment you are describing. (I would suggest going to a bookstore and reading some published college application essays, they really do help) Not a bad start, but right now the essay seems sort of bland and uninteresting, keep working on it! Show nested quote +On September 20 2010 12:31 Domonic wrote:
It seems more like a rant than an essay to me. What is your thesis? What are you trying to prove in this essay? Your body paragraphs and conclusion need more content and organization. Your first paragraph should be an outline to the rest of the essay, with your body paragraphs proving each point in your introduction in detail, and the conclusion should re-cap on the introduction. Absolutely not; this is a personal essay, not a middle school research paper.
Totally agreed, they want to know about you- so write about you. Personally, I would worry most about having a concise piece with a strong voice.
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This is a really lame and boring essay. Why would you want to write about chores...
Make yourself seem interesting not boring.
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On September 20 2010 12:35 N3rV[Green] wrote:
You really have high school writing something bad.
And honestly about college essays....I got into one of the best schools in the world and I literally clicked a few things and typed a few words, but no essay or response of any kind, and got in.
Im talking about Colorado School of Mines if people wanna say "no way dude, you cant get into a good school without an essay"
seriously, it's not that important at all. Do well on your tests, have calculus at least on your high school transcript and you'll be fine.
Right... try getting into CALTECH, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, London School of Finance (Not sure) and etc. University of Chicago, man comparing it to the world too?
Ranked 33? Best in the world? Heh.
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You need to scrap this essay. As people have said, what does it say about you? It says you are someone who procrastinates ("I'll do the dishes tomorrow") at the expense of others. You also come off as a very passive, apathetic person in this essay, and the life lesson you chose to share with the admissions committee was that you learned to do your chores without complaining. This makes you come off as a very boring, unchallenged person. I would think you have something much more exciting to write about that shows off your positive characteristics.
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Why would colleges care about you doing chores? That's something you do, not something that defines you. Just keep thinking "so what" for every sentence you write.
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Think of the writing process as:
1. write a ton
2. discard most of it
3. revise what's left over, over and over.
You fulfilled part of number 1, now keep going  .
Still, I wouldn't stress too much about college application essays; most of the time they won't determine whether you get in or not, they're usually secondary to your grades/test scores/extra-curriculars.
Anyways, gl, senior year is hella fun, just don't get lazy 
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On September 20 2010 12:50 Trap wrote:Show nested quote +On September 20 2010 12:39 Loser777 wrote:On September 20 2010 12:31 Domonic wrote:
It seems more like a rant than an essay to me. What is your thesis? What are you trying to prove in this essay? Your body paragraphs and conclusion need more content and organization. Your first paragraph should be an outline to the rest of the essay, with your body paragraphs proving each point in your introduction in detail, and the conclusion should re-cap on the introduction. I don't think that's the format of a college essay -.-;;; sure you have a theme but you're not writing a structured 7th grade research report. Wrong. Although the essay is and should be a way for you to expose your personality (since the rest of your application is what you've done not why), an essay or any other introductory writing sample has to show you can write effectively. And that means you have to have a main thesis, supported with solid arguments or evidence, in a structure that presents the information clearly to the reader. Back to the OP, it seemed unsure in this example what you were trying to say about yourself. Was it that your motivating factor in helping your mom was guilt? That you progressed from an ignorant childhood state into feeling some empathy for your parents? Or did it signify you were unable to understand a parents love and dedication for their child? An ending line like "she won't have another set of dishes to clean" makes it seem you don't have a very good understanding about your parents relationship to you at all.
You don't go from a mindless rant straight to a systematic and mundane research report. There's a difference between clarity and effective arguments and a research report that just states facts. I'm not supporting one extreme or the other.
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Follow this format for essay writing:
1st Paragraph = Intro, explain what you will be talking about in the following paragraphs and talk about your thesis (your overall argument).
For example, let's say you wanted to talk about starcraft. Your thesis could be starcraft has made me into a better competitor. That is your overarching argument that you will be trying to prove through the rest of your essay. Any paper without thesis is not worth reading... remember.
So then you must answer the question you have just posed to yourself. Why has starcraft made you into a better competitor? Maybe one reason is because you no longer get angry over a loss (REASON A). Another one could be that you have learned to improve on your mistakes by learning from your losses (REASON B). And finally maybe you have learned that knowing your opponent well is essential to successfully competing (REASON C).
So let's now make an intro: You start your sentences by introducing what the hell starcraft is. Then introduce your thesis (starcraft has made me a better competitor). Then introduce in one sentence Reason A. In another sentence Reason B. Then another sentence with Reason C. Then finally your last sentence of your intro should be something that transitions into the next paragraph.
2nd Paragraph = Your topic sentence is going to basically be Reason A all over again. And you develop what Reason A means.
3rd Paragraph = Same as above but with Reason B.
4th Paragraph = Same as above but with Reason C.
5th Paragraph = Conclusion. I don't know how to explain this, but it's more like anything you want. Talk about why the thesis is useful / good. Just wrap it up.
Remember paragraphs should be at least 4-5 sentences each. And also you may need to work on your grammar a bit because I did read some run-off sentences and misplacement of commas in your essay. This is by no means the only way to write an essay. I'm sure an english major could probably explain this a lot better than I can, but I did a history major in college with good grades by following this general idea all the time. Hope it helps.
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On September 20 2010 13:27 imBLIND wrote:
Why would colleges care about you doing chores? That's something you do, not something that defines you. Just keep thinking "so what" for every sentence you write.
hey what do you mean by "so what"
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This is coming from a fellow senior in HS.
College app essays ARE NOT the same as normal essays, like the ones previous posters have outlined. It's an entirely different beast. You don't need intro + thesis, supporting body paragraphs, conclusion in the strict sense people have said above. It's almost like telling a story.
Yes, there should be an overall meaning you're trying to convey to the reader. HOWEVER, there need not be a defined thesis, as long as your message is clear. Using an anecdote is really strong for these essays.
Remember, the main point of the essay is to tell the reader what kind of person you are. Add some depth to you as an applicant beyond just the grades and test scores. It's the only section of the application in which you get to show your personality.
Edit: By "so what," he probably means something like, "what's the impact/implication of that statement? what does it show about you as a person? do we want that kind of person at our college?"
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What's the prompt?
Am I blind?
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United States10328 Posts
^^ that's for like an analytical essay... I think college essays are not supposed to have so much structure.
your essay's presentation is not bad... you show your emotion, sense of morality/duty, etc. It makes you sound human. but are you sure that essay would make a college want you? (maybe, i guess...) but you want to convince a college that you have something that either (a) no one else has or (b) would fit into their school very well. your ability to empathize is all well and good, and using such a simple, everyday situation is nice and all, but ... can't anyone else do the same thing?
I also like your description (though it could be even more vivid :O! more verbs, fewer adjectives.)
However, there are some grammar mistakes that you might want to iron out... for example, "less" instead of "fewer" in the last sentence. Plus you have a bunch of sentences which sound a little too colloquial... show a litttttle bit of vocab, maybe?
so the idea is nice, the execution is ok... but make sure you're always thinking "why would this make the college want me even more?"
On September 20 2010 12:58 kineSiS- wrote:Show nested quote +On September 20 2010 12:35 N3rV[Green] wrote:
You really have high school writing something bad.
And honestly about college essays....I got into one of the best schools in the world and I literally clicked a few things and typed a few words, but no essay or response of any kind, and got in.
Im talking about Colorado School of Mines if people wanna say "no way dude, you cant get into a good school without an essay"
seriously, it's not that important at all. Do well on your tests, have calculus at least on your high school transcript and you'll be fine. Right... try getting into CALTECH, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, London School of Finance (Not sure) and etc. University of Chicago, man comparing it to the world too? Ranked 33? Best in the world? Heh.
why is caltech in caps? where is MIT 
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On September 20 2010 13:42 ramen247 wrote:Show nested quote +On September 20 2010 13:27 imBLIND wrote:
Why would colleges care about you doing chores? That's something you do, not something that defines you. Just keep thinking "so what" for every sentence you write. hey what do you mean by "so what"
For example, the first line of your essay is "Chores are one of life's challenges that I used to complain about."
So what? You do chores and you complained about it. That tells me you grew up, which is kinda obvious cause you have to grow up to go to college.
"I can always see the hidden strain on her face and the slight arch of her back to scrub at the entire family's dirty dishes, just looking at her makes me tired; yet I promise to myself that I will do the dishes tomorrow. "
So what? You procrastinated even though you saw it pains your mom. Tells me you're lazy
"I never complain while doing dishes or any chores anymore"
So what? You learned to shut up. Tells me you learned to keep your thoughts to yourself.
"At least when I leave for college, my mom will have one less set of dishes to clean."
So what? You're just going to college to please your mom? This tells me you're guilty about stressing your mom out and going to college just for her.
You're entire essay is filled with "pointless" stuff. Sure it's a life story, but it tells me nothing (or really bad things) about who you are and why you're going to college.
EDIT: oni summed it up pretty nicely
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I'm glad Australia's system doesn't have this sort of appllication to get into uni.
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United States10774 Posts
i say scrap this essay and instead write about how being rude on teamliquid has taught to you act differently in real life
on a different note, if you are going to keep this essay, it obviously needs a ton of work. this shows me nothing about yourself besides the fact that you are now finally mature enough to contribute back towards your family. what exactly happened? what are you even trying to say? the presentation is flat and uninteresting. the grammar is not clean, and the structure needs to be fixed as well.
it's hard for me to imagine that there is no other experience with your mom/other inspirational figures in your life that you can write about. what are you passionate about? what makes you who you are now? who are you?
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definitely work on improving your writing skills. professors have no tolerance for fluff like this, and while this essay may be acceptable for a high school student, you really should be more personal and detailed. write with passion if you want to succeed.
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So this may come off as a little strange, but I am actually a professional tutor. If you would like me to do a hard analysis of your essay and maybe do a video conference about how to improve it, feel free to let me know. I can also link you to my tutoring profile if you want so you can see why I am qualified to help out.
My biggest tip is the following, write something you would want to read <3
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CA10831 Posts
don't listen to the people telling you about the rigid format. that's completely off-base when you're writing a college essay. it just needs to have your clear voice in it, be organized, and flow well. and i disagree with people saying that this is a bad topic to write about. you can write about anything you want, even if it a mundane task, as long as it has the "so what" part to it that others have previously mentioned. i agree that it has a lot of work to do but what you have at the moment is not a bad start. try to show a little bit more of your individuality through the essay. don't be discouraged, i find that the average student has to do about 3-4 rewrites per essay, and that's with someone's help! also can you share the prompt with us?
as for my credentials... i work at a tutoring center and i'm currently helping about 16 seniors with their college apps in coordination with 2 english teachers. these students are applying to all sorts of schools, ranging from top tier ivies down to super safety level state schools.
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Try using a format. . .I recommend Jane Schaffer method. Since you probably don't know what that is i'll go ahead and give you a brief outline. Basically you're going to start out with the introduction then go straight into your thesis. After that the format goes like this.
*Concrete Detail
*Supporting Details
*Comments
*Conclusion
Editing this in: You don't need to stick to a strict format but you should definitely be thinking about the things on that list.
It goes like that for every paragraph. You need to remember the point of your college essay is to sell yourself. This isn't an expository page about chores and there affects on childhoods. You need to stay focused on you. The people at admissions don't know you at all, the essay is your chance to show them things about yourself that they can't figure out from your transcripts and test scores.
I find when writing a persuasive essay, especially one that will be accompanied by statistics, it's important to appeal mainly to their emotional side (pathos people!). They already know your numbers and grades so focusing to much on logos probably wont gain you much. You need to really rethink your tone when you're writing to a person. In the essay you wrote, it really feels like you were forced into it. Like someone said above, it sounds almost like a rant, or at the very least a bit robotic. Try to make your writing sound more like you. Include some kind of hobby or life experience that you think distinguishes you as a person.
Trying to keep this stuff separated a bit so it doesn't look too much like a giant wall of text. lol
Anyways, for an essay like this you don't really need a strict thesis. That doesn't mean you should go off on some meandering story about your entire life. Keep it to the point, anything you say should be directly related or linked back to the fact they should accept you into their college.
Some things you should avoid:
*Sweeping generalizations. ex: "Everyone does X" "If you X then you X". Generalizing is a bad habit.
*Symbolism: Don't get me wrong here. . .I like symbolism and it definitely has its place in writing, just not in an essay like this.
*Abundance of metaphors: I like metaphors a lot and I include them when I write. I'm not saying you should discard them totally from your essay just don't use a lot of them.
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From what I noticed, you spend a lot of time writing descriptive elements for the sake of writing them. Imagery is good, but it only if it advances a point. And frankly, yours does not ("I don't know why..." doesn't count). Even the most self-indulgent memoir needs some thrust of argument to make it worth reading.
Oh, and I agree with the chorus of voices telling you to scrap this essay. Don't write things (however honest) that shade you in this much of an unfavorable light.
Oh, and on a bit of a tangent (sorry!):
Right... try getting into CALTECH, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, London School of Finance (Not sure) and etc. University of Chicago, man comparing it to the world too?
Ranked 33? Best in the world? Heh.
Hint: there's a good amount of fields (at least in the sciences) in which the undergrad you go to has little to no bearing on what post-grad schools you can get accepted to, and rankings aren't the best indicator of "how good" the school is. Elitism is good--the tuition bill, not so much.
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EPT
