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On June 24 2010 13:42 EsX_Raptor wrote:
The test is called the Writing Proficiency Exam though, not the Reading Proficiency one T__T
I'm obviously showing that I can write. If they want to punish me for not addressing the question, then they should make a R&WPE or something...
...and yes, I copied the wrong question from their shit-ass list of retarded questions.
Being able to write out a sentence/paragraph is not the same as being able to actually write in an academic sense. They were testing your ability to proficiently write an appropriate response to a prompt. Unfortunately your response was insufficient, and hence the failing grade. It sucks and I really feel for you, but that's the case unfortunately.
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Sigh.
I'm sorry guys, I'm just very angry at myself right now :'(
I truly appreciate your comments on this matter. I'm jotting down the tips and mistakes you guys are pointing out so that I don't make them again when I retake the test.
Hopefully I will pass it this time.
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On June 24 2010 13:42 EsX_Raptor wrote:
The test is called the Writing Proficiency Exam though, not the Reading Proficiency one T__T
I'm obviously showing that I can write. If they want to punish me for not addressing the question, then they should make a R&WPE or something...
...and yes, I copied the wrong question from their shit-ass list of retarded questions.
Well there's a difference between "writing" as in stringing words together to form sentences and writing an academic paper. IMO you're not showing that you can write in an academic sense.
I guess I was lucky enough to have a great English teacher in high school so I've never had a problem with writing. But I can see how if you didn't get such a good writing background this would be very difficult. You should probably look into taking a writing class (unless that's what you were talking about in the spring semester).
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Well, I went through something very similar before my graduation (computer science major).
Now, I'm absolutely awful at writing essays (English is my second language).
My professor's advice was to write something in the manner of explaining a concept (which computer scientist should know as programmers needs to document stuff).
I read up some Linus Torvald's blogs and other computer scientist journals and learned how they approach a concept and the way they explains things. That worked well.
For your essay topic, you could've start with explaining Allen Newell's works and the overlap between cognitive science and AI...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turing_Award
It helps if you know the history of computer science.
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To be frank - it reads like something you'd find on blogs on TL, not a college level paper.
It doesn't really address the prompt - the effects of computerization in society and yourself, unless you were to title it "My Thoughts on The Future." Even then your piece is just a rambling rant, which anyone with a computer and an internet connection can do these days, and it's addressed to an audience that cares more for how you structure your argument and little for the actual content.
In some ways your paper seems like it's trying to be like literary non-fiction, what with your thesis at the very end of the paper trying to be a sweeping, dramatic proclamation; and obviously the WPE isn't a test of how well you can write creative non-fiction.
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Okay man, this is certainly not the end of the world. Your best option is to come clean to your family, don't try to lie to them you'll just dig yourself a deeper hole to address later. If you don't graduate immediately your life won't end, you have a clear option to just delay your exit from college. Sure, your family will be disappointed but that's a part of life and they will understand. Don't try to run away from this situation, it'll only make it worse.
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1. you don't 'ponder over', you ponder.
2. the whole first paragraph is 1 sentence.
3. 'ancestors' + '50 years ago' doesn't really make sense
4. your next paragraph starts by stating that those things were commonplace, then you spend the rest of it explaining how they weren't commonplace at all
5. 'bug out' isn't a verb in real english
6. 'startled and annoyed on the fact' isn't english
7. 'international travel happens on a daily basis by the thousands' - your word associations are off
8. 'back in the day' OK, there's no way this is a serious post anymore...
9. 'something worth having a big controversy on' REALLY?!
10. 'irks you on the back of the head'
11. etc etc
Anyways, if we assume (long shot) that this is a serious post, your writing is really pretty bad, and it blows me away that University students write this poorly. I see it all the time and it's sad, but often the TAs and occasionally even professors have equally bad writing.
Revise your work, take out unnecessary words (this could have been 25% shorter), be concise. Make sure your word associations match. Saying 'international travel happens by the thousands' doesn't make any more sense than 'cheese gets eaten by the thousands'.
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My school does this also, and I failed the 1st time. I thought I wrote a decent paper, good enough for me to pass but I guess not. So when I took it a 2nd time the question was a lot more difficult for me to write about but I passed somehow. xD
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Don't get too discouraged. I know people that took it 6 times before they passed.
My ex-gf taught me some very unique tricks to writing better especially on exams.
1. Before you write anything, write on scratch paper a general outline for what you want to talk about. A simple 5 paragraph essay is good.
2. Make the first paragraph all about your thesis.
3. Follow the guide for writing a paragraph.
*Introduction to paragraph.
*Supporting evidence
*conclusion about evidence
*supprting evidence
*conclusion about evidence
*conclusion including main point of paragraph
4. Repeat that 3 times for each of your three main points
5. Conclude by repeating most of what you have said in the opening paragraph using your evidence.
Also, some little things I noticed.
"What will be the future of human civilization? That's a question worth pondering over." is not a opening paragraph. Don't be cute, they just want to make sure you can write.
Use clear evidence, don't write a story. Also write in the present tense or past tense. Don't switch between them.
Avoid unneccesary phrases like "To your ancestors back in the day"
Never use the word "you" or "us" or "we" in a formal essay.
No need for quotes around “attach”.
Too many unnecesary words.
It seems like you might spend too much time reading the forums on TL  I recommend reading some essays to get an understanding of what is considered a good essay.
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I'm guessing that you saw the prompt, thought "hey this is about technology, I know all about that!" and started writing immediately with no plan. The best approach is to brainstorm, quickly outline an answer, and then structure your points before you begin writing. It's probably what you would have done for an unfamiliar topic, but it's easy to get carried away when a prompt is interesting to you. Reading the question and answering it is by far the most important aspect of any writing task. You can write the best paper ever, but if it doesn't answer the question, you're going to fail.
I would have brainstormed a list of foreseeable AI advancements and the possible positive/negative effects they may have. Like:
1. Robots replace humans in menial and service jobs
a. Positive: Lower labor costs make products and services cheaper. Humans freed to perform more creative tasks.
b. Negative: Teenagers and unskilled workers have limited job opportunities. Less human interaction leads to less empathetic society.
2. Wars fought with robots and intelligent systems
a. Positive: No more human lives lost in combat.
b. Negative: Losing human lives is the biggest deterrent to war. Countries with big robot armies bully lesser countries. Big robot wars waste natural resources that could be used to advance humanity.
Etc.
You could then write a paper going point-by-point laying out the positives and negatives of each advancement. Slap an intro and conclusion on it, make sure each point transitions into the next one to some degree, and you're done. Alternatively, you could paint a rosy picture of a Utopian AI-controlled society in the first half and then smash it to pieces with all the scary possibilities. The first would probably be more academic, but the second would be more fun.
Oh dear I didn't mean to write this much. I was a computer science major too. 
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Doesn't answer anything, uses every scifi cliche ever and it's not exactly well written.
Just take your time when you do it! Outlines help too.
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Is english your native language? I don't mean to be an ass, but this paper screamed of style over substance - as in someone trying to get way to fancy with words and phrases that they clearly do not understand. In the end, it's all fluff. It's a Steve Jobs product launch.
When writing a formal paper, succinct, direct, and to the point is always the way to go. They aren't asking you to be Cormac McCarthy and suck in the reader with your elegant prose; they're ensuring you can make a goddamn point and back it up it written form.
Good luck with whatever happens from here. Learning experience +1.
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On June 24 2010 15:41 darmousseh wrote:Don't get too discouraged. I know people that took it 6 times before they passed. My ex-gf taught me some very unique tricks to writing better especially on exams. 1. Before you write anything, write on scratch paper a general outline for what you want to talk about. A simple 5 paragraph essay is good. 2. Make the first paragraph all about your thesis. 3. Follow the guide for writing a paragraph. *Introduction to paragraph. *Supporting evidence *conclusion about evidence *supprting evidence *conclusion about evidence *conclusion including main point of paragraph 4. Repeat that 3 times for each of your three main points 5. Conclude by repeating most of what you have said in the opening paragraph using your evidence. Also, some little things I noticed. "What will be the future of human civilization? That's a question worth pondering over." is not a opening paragraph. Don't be cute, they just want to make sure you can write. Use clear evidence, don't write a story. Also write in the present tense or past tense. Don't switch between them. Avoid unneccesary phrases like "To your ancestors back in the day" Never use the word "you" or "us" or "we" in a formal essay. No need for quotes around “attach”. Too many unnecesary words. It seems like you might spend too much time reading the forums on TL I recommend reading some essays to get an understanding of what is considered a good essay.
Thisis a good basic outline that will help you.
In general, your sentence structure was pretty horrible.
Read your paper again and just look for how many commas and semi colons you are using. One of your paragraphs was a run on sentence that went on for about 4-5 lines.
I would avoid using semi colons at all. It's not really worth it try to combine two related sentences because if you use it wrong you look like a douche bag to the graders.
Use more periods and less commas in general. Cut out the excess explanations and just make your point... You used a lot of commas when they shouldn't have been used as well.
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mandatory test required for graduation; graduation plans for this Fall
I'm glad my school made us take them early; I failed twice.
Are you at UHD?
Their site says they offer the WPE "several times each semester, including summer".
If your school only offers it once a year, look into taking it at another school within the university system.
You shouldn't have to wait until next spring to take it again.
P.S. Does your honor society misspell Phi on purpose?
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I'm not breaking any new ground here by telling you the paper is bad. It's bad. Certainly not university level. I'd even have my doubts that it would pass in an advanced high school English class. That said, calm down. You can totally pass this thing, just be a bit more careful next time.
Don't make run on sentences. Don't use slang. Answer the right question, regardless of how shit-ass retarded it is. This was easily your biggest mistake: you were asked to comment on computer sciences and you rambled on about cool sci-fi movies. Even with your lackluster grammar and sentence structure, had you at least shown some regard for the topic at hand your odds of passing would have doubled.
Good luck in the future.
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Horses? Morse code? You do realize that "50 years ago" was the 60s, right?
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Your paper wasn't that great. I wouldn't have passed it either. You didn't really answer the topic. You kind of did, but really didn't. It's like you took keywords from the question and wrote about that instead of answering the question. Some of your sentences were terrible. If you took the time to reread your paper and not walk out of the classroom first you'd probably would have caught a lot of this. Just take the course in 2011 and go on with your life.
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yeah you broke one of the golden rules of writing essays. you could have written the first harry potter book but still would have been wrong because you didn't follow the prompt.
just learn from the mistake and move on with your life.
you're still alive, right?
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I think a lot of what I wanted to say has already been noted, but I would just suggest that you take a small writing course. I'm in engineering it really helped me out... I think the big things are:
1) Your mechanics are absolutely horrible for a college level paper. Sorry, but its true. There are run on sentences, sentence fragments, missing commas, redundancies and some really awkward phrasing in general.
2) You need to read up about the "standard" essay format. That is to say: 1) Introduction and "thesis" -> 2) Supporting evidence 3) Conclusion and restate thesis.
Although I completely understand that you'll probably never have to deal with anything like this in CompSci again, good writing is a useful skill to have, in general.
Best of luck though!
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EPT
