• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 15:24
CEST 21:24
KST 04:24
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
Serral wins HomeStory Cup 2915Serral wins Maestros of the Game 243ByuL, and the Limitations of Standard Play3Team Liquid Map Contest #22: Results and Winners7Code S Season 2 (2026): RO4 and Finals Preview12
Community News
GSTL Returns in 2026!21Weekly Cups (Aug 3-9): Protoss get shut out7RSL goes to London! 2026 Offline Finals Nov 21-2212Weekly Cups (July 27-Aug 2): SHIN's big week0SC4ALL II: Brood War - $2500 - Dec 5-611
StarCraft 2
General
GSTL Returns in 2026! SC4ALL: II Talent Announcement! Balance hotfix patch 5.0.16b (July 16) Protoss AoE skill expression Weekly Cups (Aug 3-9): Protoss get shut out
Tourneys
PIG STY FESTIVAL 8.0! (13 - 23 August) Sea Duckling Open (Global, Bronze-Diamond) 2026 KungFu Cup Announcement Sparkling Tuna Cup - Weekly Open Tournament RSL goes to London! 2026 Offline Finals Nov 21-22
Strategy
[G] Having the right mentality to improve
Custom Maps
Nexus Wars 2021 GUIDE [M] (2) Industrial Park
External Content
Mutation # 538 Media Blackout The PondCast: SC2 News & Results Mutation # 537 Hostile Territory Mutation # 536 Railroad Switch
Brood War
General
BW General Discussion BGH Auto Balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ ASL22 General Discussion Best Games Kespa era StarCraft 64 is coming to Philly at SC4ALL II
Tourneys
Escore Tournament - Season 3 Small VOD Thread 2.0 [Megathread] Daily Proleagues SC4ALL II: Brood War - $2500 - Dec 5-6
Strategy
Odyssey Mineral Stack Saturation Fighting Spirit mining rates Any training maps people recommend? Simple Questions, Simple Answers
Other Games
General Games
Nintendo Switch Thread Anyone here play Quakeworld back in the day? Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread EVE Corporation General RTS Discussion Thread
Dota 2
Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
[TL LoL EUW IHs] Teemo shall perish TSM pausing esports and CLG Dead
Heroes of the Storm
Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Deck construction bug
TL Mafia
TL Mafia Power Rank TL Mafia Community Thread NeO.D_StephenKing vs This Guy From 1 Million Dance
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread European Politico-economics QA Mega-thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread Artificial Intelligence Thread The Letting Off Steam Thread
Fan Clubs
MarineLorD Fan Club The ShoWTimE Fan Club The herO Fan Club!
Media & Entertainment
Movie Discussion! Anime Discussion Thread Series you have seen recently... [Req][Books] Good Fantasy/SciFi books
Sports
Football (Soccer) Thread TeamLiquid Health and Fitness Initiative For 2023 NBA General Discussion Formula 1 Discussion MLB/Baseball 2023
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread Simple Questions Simple Answers FPS when play League Of Legend on laptop
TL Community
The Automated Ban List Northern Ireland Global Starcraft
Blogs
LOCKPICKING NOOB
LUCKY_NOOB
Chinese Gen Z: Between Dream…
TrAiDoS
Cathedral Of CS And NY pizza a…
FuDDx
Please support my new stand…
Peanutsc
Hello guys!
LIN1s
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 3286 users

Dumbest Thing I Ever Wrote

Blogs > Chef
Post a Reply
1 2 Next All
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-17 01:30:02
February 16 2010 18:58 GMT
#1
I

      I've never been a nationalistic man, but the day University of Ottawa ate my High School still stays burned in my memory. I remember the glare of its gigantic, razor teeth from kilometres away. I remember the quake of the ground its mechanical, steel legs emanated. I remember the screaming and chaos that surrounded me as we awaited our doom.
      Even in those days it was foolhardy to run outside the school. Sure, the air back then was more or less breathable, but where would you go? The land was barren. Pillaged of all its worth. Raped by our insatiable desire to grow. That was why we were going to be eaten. Because we were small, and they were big, and there was nothing we could do about it. I'd accepted it as a fact of life back then, and so I could only stare out the window as it grew closer, and closer.
      There was no point of resisting. It wasn't in the school's budget to build a set of legs and a giant jaw to crush smaller schools. We'd decided long ago we'd have to be passive, and subsist until we either starved or were eaten. Besides, being eaten wasn't all bad. A few of us—the best of us—would be allowed to join the ranks of normal society with the school we were eaten by. On an individual level that was a comforting thought. Of course the ones who were not especially skilled would be sent to work as slaves until dead in the pits of the university's hull but... That wasn't what I needed to think about. It was just another fact of life.

      I was accepted into the ranks of the university. They saw me for a budding skill in StarCraft. At the time I thought StarCraft was just a silly game I played for fun. I found out only too soon how wrong I was when they enrolled me in a program entirely to develop my StarCraft skills. In my introductory courses they explained that universities had an unwritten code not to eat each other. They'd decided each of them were so large that even the winner of the battle would incur massive damage that would soon leave it prey to another university that hadn't been in a fight recently. But with High Schools and Elementary Schools diminishing, they would need to feed off of one another. And so a new system was born.
      It was called, charmingly, the CSL. Large schools would meet, jaws closed, and play each other in a round of StarCraft matches. The winner would be awarded 10% of the school's resources. Enough to eat well until the next round for the winner, and enough to be forced to eat the unfortunate alternate nutritions technology had introduced to the roaming universities.

      It wasn't until I had completed two years of training that things started getting worrisome for the university. They were losing their ace StarCraft players left and right from unexpected suicides. No one knew why they suddenly left the university, but it was getting to be that we would never eat well again if we didn't act fast. So they held a competition open to StarCraft players who hadn't yet completed their training, to see if any rookies could fill the gap. They called it the OSL.
      With two more years of training still left, I didn't think I stood much of a chance. One of the other players even had completed initial training and was planning to finish advanced training before he joined the StarCraft corps of the university. It was he who I shared a table with for the entire competition.
      We played several warm up games and he destroyed me most every time. I wasn't used to playing StarCraft here. I wasn't used to any of this. In training we played with people our own level, using our own equipment. Here I was forced to use equipment I was unfamiliar with. Here I was going to have to adapt to a player with much more training than myself.

      Among other players I met at the OSL were Cake and Gooser. Cake was a large black man with muscles the side of my head, and a tatoo of an anchor on his chest which I could see, because he did not wear a shirt. Gooser was mutant of sorts who had two more arms than I was used to seeing on a human being. They seemed to come in handy with his StarCraft play.
      Still, even with opponents like these, I'd made the grueling climb to the finals. It was only fitting that the person I should meet in the finals would be the man in advanced studies. He would be tough all right, but I thought I was beginning to figure him out.

II

[image loading]


      Game one was hard, but I knew then that a properly executed 9poolspeed would be his downfall. He lost to it in the beginning of game 2. Survived it in game 3 to come back and kill me while my mutas were out of position. In game 4 I knew that the only thing better than 9pool speed is 5pool. He BBSed and lost after testing my micro against his.
      And that was it. I'd achieved the coveted rank of Golden Mouse in only my second year of training. A victory that would soon become a weight on my shoulders as the next CSL match approached.

III

      Though he had lost to me in the finals, Stork was not left out of the university's StarCraft corps. Far from it, as he was one of the best players we had. Were it not for discovering the one fatal flaw in his play, I would have lost to him in the OSL, and he would be our university's Golden Mouse. By now he has fixed the hole in his play, and is a stronger player than me. A guilty secret that makes me uncomfortable when our team plays me thinking I will be an automatic win.
      On our first match of the CSL, we played against a place called Carleton University. They were a strong team that often inhabited the same grounds as we did, and so it made me nervous to know they would be our first opponents. Our captain decided to send in one of the few veterans our university had left to play the first set. Of this I can only be thankful, and since he won it took some pressure of me. I played second, and won my match as well. It seemed Carleton wasn't as strong as they once were. Another rookie, named Thratur played, and won in dynamic fashion. A 3:0 victory.
      When we returned we were greeted as heroes. The University of Ottawa was not doomed after all. Hoo. Ray.
      It was a sour victory. Our captain had vanished before the matches finished and has still not returned. In his will he wrote for me to become the captain of the team, something I don't understand to this day. Why me? Why not a veteran? It seemed to much responsibility. It weighs heavily on my mind. But I do not give up. I arranged the players of the next match. None volunteered to take the first set, and so I did. Gaberiel second. Stork third. If necessary, Simon, our veteran would win or get us to ace.
      It wasn't necessary. Again, we dominated. 3:0. 3:0. 3:0. Mount Allison University from Sackville. I hadn't expected a challenge, but I hadn't expected it to be so easy either. We, the rag tag team of rookies, with a veteran in tow and myself leading, were beating the well established giants that had been defending their universities for years.
      I look to the future. I see Harvard College. I see it burning. I've devised the ultimate plan. We will win. We will make the name of Ottawa feared.

****
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
tirentu
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Canada1257 Posts
February 16 2010 19:04 GMT
#2
Hey, you only 3-1'd MTA. I totally won my game!

CHEF'S STORY IS UNREALISTIC :O.
unit
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
United States2621 Posts
February 16 2010 19:10 GMT
#3
this isnt dumb ^__^ great read Ottawa FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!...hoping for more installments!?!?!?
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
February 16 2010 19:16 GMT
#4
Get your damn propaganda out of here, tirentu.
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
tirentu
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Canada1257 Posts
February 16 2010 19:17 GMT
#5
On February 17 2010 04:16 Chef wrote:
Get your damn propaganda out of here, tirentu.


No worries, we love you anyways.
andiCR
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
Costa Rica2273 Posts
February 16 2010 19:18 GMT
#6
lol great read
Nightmare1795 wrote: I played a guy in bronze who said he was Japanese. That was the only game I ever dropped a nuke, which was purely coincidental.
Nal_rAwr
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
United States2611 Posts
February 16 2010 19:39 GMT
#7
lol great
Nony is Bonjwa
Neivler
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Norway911 Posts
February 16 2010 19:52 GMT
#8
Pics or it never happend!
I pwn noobs
love1another
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
United States1844 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-16 20:13:28
February 16 2010 20:13 GMT
#9
lol..... This is better than proberto.
"I'm learning more and more that TL isn't the place to go for advice outside of anything you need in college. It's like you guys just make up your own fantasy world shit and post it as if you've done it." - Chill
KwarK
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
United States44240 Posts
February 16 2010 20:22 GMT
#10
The school bit reminded me about a great series of books based upon a similar premise.
Mortal Engines by Philip Reeve
The little town was so close that he could see the antlike shapes of people running about on its upper tiers. How frightened they must be, with London bearing down on them and nowhere to hide! But he knew he mustn't feel sorry for them. It was natural that cities ate towns, just as the towns ate smaller towns and smaller towns snapped up the miserable static settlements. That was Municipal Darwinism, and it was the way the world had worked for a thousand years, ever since the great engineer Nikolas Quirke had turned London into the first traction city.
ModeratorThe angels have the phone box
Carnivorous Sheep
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Baa?21247 Posts
February 16 2010 20:38 GMT
#11
Chef writes amazing blogs ^^
TranslatorBaa!
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-16 20:48:39
February 16 2010 20:47 GMT
#12
On February 17 2010 05:22 KwarK wrote:
The school bit reminded me about a great series of books based upon a similar premise.
Mortal Engines by Philip Reeve
Show nested quote +
The little town was so close that he could see the antlike shapes of people running about on its upper tiers. How frightened they must be, with London bearing down on them and nowhere to hide! But he knew he mustn't feel sorry for them. It was natural that cities ate towns, just as the towns ate smaller towns and smaller towns snapped up the miserable static settlements. That was Municipal Darwinism, and it was the way the world had worked for a thousand years, ever since the great engineer Nikolas Quirke had turned London into the first traction city.

I had to read the first book of that series. Liked it a fair bit actually, though it's a more common idea than you might think. Chrome Shelled Regios, ICE, and probably a million others are basically the same thing. Mortal Engines was much more devoted to the theme though. This is much more a parody of Chrome Shell Regios than anything else though.
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
Thratur
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada917 Posts
February 16 2010 23:01 GMT
#13
Omg, a new story from Chef! It is awesome!

Thank you Chef! (Make more)
Pwntrucci[sR]
Profile Blog Joined June 2006
Canada1519 Posts
February 16 2010 23:30 GMT
#14
The excitement had me scrolling down the pic faster then I used to turn DBZ pages when goku was fighting friesa.
bg
3FFA
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States3931 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-17 00:15:06
February 17 2010 00:14 GMT
#15
On February 17 2010 05:38 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
Chef writes amazing blogs ^^


SO TRUE

edit: to pwn(user above me) ROFL
"As long as it comes from a pure place and from a honest place, you know, you can write whatever you want."
s_86
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
United States191 Posts
February 17 2010 19:33 GMT
#16
Ottawa U Rules!!
evanthebouncy!
Profile Blog Joined June 2006
United States12796 Posts
February 18 2010 07:16 GMT
#17
On February 17 2010 08:30 Pwntrucci[sR] wrote:
The excitement had me scrolling down the pic faster then I used to turn DBZ pages when goku was fighting friesa.

Ghahahaha!!!
Life is run, it is dance, it is fast, passionate and BAM!, you dance and sing and booze while you can for now is the time and time is mine. Smile and laugh when still can for now is the time and soon you die!
DreaM)XeRO
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
Korea (South)4667 Posts
February 18 2010 22:27 GMT
#18
On February 17 2010 04:04 tirentu wrote:
Hey, you only 3-1'd MTA. I totally won my game!

CHEF'S STORY IS UNREALISTIC :O.

looooooooool
cw)minsean(ru
Impervious
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Canada4222 Posts
January 13 2011 02:45 GMT
#19
Why don't you have SC2 yet?

Chef, in charge of the team while I was MIA, led our team to a win with this:

+ Show Spoiler +
[image loading]
Yea, that's 5 pools, with an all Zerg lineup vs Harvard. Fucking right!


Then, supporting the team, even when unavailable to play, led us to:

+ Show Spoiler +
[image loading]
And playing one hell of a game vs NonY himself in our match vs Duke


Now, this:

+ Show Spoiler +
[image loading]
wtf fail


Summed up: WE NEED YOU!!!!!
~ \(ˌ)im-ˈpər-vē-əs\ : not capable of being damaged or harmed.
emperorchampion
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
Canada9496 Posts
January 13 2011 03:00 GMT
#20
Ouch, c'mon Canadian brothers!!

ps. I like how the logo has GG on it :p
TRUEESPORTS || your days as a respected member of team liquid are over
1 2 Next All
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Next event in 14h 36m
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
PiGStarcraft578
ZombieGrub253
ProTech75
UpATreeSC 69
MindelVK 23
EmSc Tv 16
StarCraft: Brood War
Britney 17607
actioN 324
Soma 300
Rush 224
Mong 69
Terrorterran 30
Rock 15
Dota 2
qojqva3863
XaKoH 471
BananaSlamJamma336
canceldota76
Counter-Strike
fl0m3283
Super Smash Bros
C9.Mang0100
Other Games
Grubby2064
shahzam376
B2W.Neo319
Liquid`VortiX263
ArmadaUGS98
Livibee88
QueenE59
KnowMe53
Trikslyr50
Mew2King41
Organizations
StarCraft 2
EmSc Tv 16
EmSc2Tv 16
[ Show 14 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• StrangeGG 82
• intothetv
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• Migwel
StarCraft: Brood War
• Pr0nogo 2
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
League of Legends
• Nemesis2539
• TFBlade1120
• Shiphtur468
Other Games
• imaqtpie1313
Upcoming Events
CranKy Ducklings
14h 36m
PiG Sty Festival
16h 36m
herO vs Krystianer
Solar vs Cure
IPSL
20h 36m
Sparkling Tuna Cup
1d 14h
PiG Sty Festival
1d 16h
Maru vs Shameless
Reynor vs TriGGeR
IPSL
1d 20h
OSC
2 days
Afreeca Starleague
2 days
Rush vs Hm
Bisu vs Shuttle
WardiTV Weekly
2 days
The Patches Monday
2 days
[ Show More ]
Afreeca Starleague
3 days
Sharp vs Shinee
Action vs Shine
PiGosaur Cup
4 days
Replay Cast
4 days
Afreeca Starleague
4 days
BeSt vs Paralyze
Jaedong vs Speed
Kung Fu Cup
4 days
The PondCast
5 days
KCM Race Survival
5 days
Replay Cast
6 days
PiG Sty Festival
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

Proleague 2026-08-13
CranK Gathers Season 4: BW vs SC2 Team League
Eternal Conflict S2 Finale

Ongoing

KCM Race Survival 2026 Season 3
K-JUNGMAN
Acropolis #5
Escore Tournament S3: W7
RSL Revival: Season 6
PiG Sty Festival 8.0
Esports World Cup 2026
Esports World Cup 2026: LCQ
BLAST Bounty Summer 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer Qual
Stake Ranked Episode 3
XSE Pro League 2026
IEM Cologne Major 2026

Upcoming

CSLAN 4
ASL Season 22
Escore Tournament S3: W8
Acropolis #5 - TRS
Blizzard Classic Cup 2026
Acropolis #5 - GSA
Acropolis #5 - GSB
HSC XXX
SC4ALL II: StarCraft II
Kung Fu Cup 2026 Grand Finals
RSL Offline Finals
Big Dog Cup 2026 Div 1
META DYMY #4
Stake Ranked Episode 5
PGL Masters Bucharest 2026
Thunderpick World Champ. '26
ESL Pro League Season 24
Stake Ranked Episode 4
1win Private Club #1
Logitech G Connect 2026
SL StarSeries Fall 2026
FISSURE Playground #5
BLAST Open Fall 2026
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2026 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.