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Dumbest Thing I Ever Wrote

Blogs > Chef
Post a Reply
1 2 Next All
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-17 01:30:02
February 16 2010 18:58 GMT
#1
I

      I've never been a nationalistic man, but the day University of Ottawa ate my High School still stays burned in my memory. I remember the glare of its gigantic, razor teeth from kilometres away. I remember the quake of the ground its mechanical, steel legs emanated. I remember the screaming and chaos that surrounded me as we awaited our doom.
      Even in those days it was foolhardy to run outside the school. Sure, the air back then was more or less breathable, but where would you go? The land was barren. Pillaged of all its worth. Raped by our insatiable desire to grow. That was why we were going to be eaten. Because we were small, and they were big, and there was nothing we could do about it. I'd accepted it as a fact of life back then, and so I could only stare out the window as it grew closer, and closer.
      There was no point of resisting. It wasn't in the school's budget to build a set of legs and a giant jaw to crush smaller schools. We'd decided long ago we'd have to be passive, and subsist until we either starved or were eaten. Besides, being eaten wasn't all bad. A few of us—the best of us—would be allowed to join the ranks of normal society with the school we were eaten by. On an individual level that was a comforting thought. Of course the ones who were not especially skilled would be sent to work as slaves until dead in the pits of the university's hull but... That wasn't what I needed to think about. It was just another fact of life.

      I was accepted into the ranks of the university. They saw me for a budding skill in StarCraft. At the time I thought StarCraft was just a silly game I played for fun. I found out only too soon how wrong I was when they enrolled me in a program entirely to develop my StarCraft skills. In my introductory courses they explained that universities had an unwritten code not to eat each other. They'd decided each of them were so large that even the winner of the battle would incur massive damage that would soon leave it prey to another university that hadn't been in a fight recently. But with High Schools and Elementary Schools diminishing, they would need to feed off of one another. And so a new system was born.
      It was called, charmingly, the CSL. Large schools would meet, jaws closed, and play each other in a round of StarCraft matches. The winner would be awarded 10% of the school's resources. Enough to eat well until the next round for the winner, and enough to be forced to eat the unfortunate alternate nutritions technology had introduced to the roaming universities.

      It wasn't until I had completed two years of training that things started getting worrisome for the university. They were losing their ace StarCraft players left and right from unexpected suicides. No one knew why they suddenly left the university, but it was getting to be that we would never eat well again if we didn't act fast. So they held a competition open to StarCraft players who hadn't yet completed their training, to see if any rookies could fill the gap. They called it the OSL.
      With two more years of training still left, I didn't think I stood much of a chance. One of the other players even had completed initial training and was planning to finish advanced training before he joined the StarCraft corps of the university. It was he who I shared a table with for the entire competition.
      We played several warm up games and he destroyed me most every time. I wasn't used to playing StarCraft here. I wasn't used to any of this. In training we played with people our own level, using our own equipment. Here I was forced to use equipment I was unfamiliar with. Here I was going to have to adapt to a player with much more training than myself.

      Among other players I met at the OSL were Cake and Gooser. Cake was a large black man with muscles the side of my head, and a tatoo of an anchor on his chest which I could see, because he did not wear a shirt. Gooser was mutant of sorts who had two more arms than I was used to seeing on a human being. They seemed to come in handy with his StarCraft play.
      Still, even with opponents like these, I'd made the grueling climb to the finals. It was only fitting that the person I should meet in the finals would be the man in advanced studies. He would be tough all right, but I thought I was beginning to figure him out.

II

[image loading]


      Game one was hard, but I knew then that a properly executed 9poolspeed would be his downfall. He lost to it in the beginning of game 2. Survived it in game 3 to come back and kill me while my mutas were out of position. In game 4 I knew that the only thing better than 9pool speed is 5pool. He BBSed and lost after testing my micro against his.
      And that was it. I'd achieved the coveted rank of Golden Mouse in only my second year of training. A victory that would soon become a weight on my shoulders as the next CSL match approached.

III

      Though he had lost to me in the finals, Stork was not left out of the university's StarCraft corps. Far from it, as he was one of the best players we had. Were it not for discovering the one fatal flaw in his play, I would have lost to him in the OSL, and he would be our university's Golden Mouse. By now he has fixed the hole in his play, and is a stronger player than me. A guilty secret that makes me uncomfortable when our team plays me thinking I will be an automatic win.
      On our first match of the CSL, we played against a place called Carleton University. They were a strong team that often inhabited the same grounds as we did, and so it made me nervous to know they would be our first opponents. Our captain decided to send in one of the few veterans our university had left to play the first set. Of this I can only be thankful, and since he won it took some pressure of me. I played second, and won my match as well. It seemed Carleton wasn't as strong as they once were. Another rookie, named Thratur played, and won in dynamic fashion. A 3:0 victory.
      When we returned we were greeted as heroes. The University of Ottawa was not doomed after all. Hoo. Ray.
      It was a sour victory. Our captain had vanished before the matches finished and has still not returned. In his will he wrote for me to become the captain of the team, something I don't understand to this day. Why me? Why not a veteran? It seemed to much responsibility. It weighs heavily on my mind. But I do not give up. I arranged the players of the next match. None volunteered to take the first set, and so I did. Gaberiel second. Stork third. If necessary, Simon, our veteran would win or get us to ace.
      It wasn't necessary. Again, we dominated. 3:0. 3:0. 3:0. Mount Allison University from Sackville. I hadn't expected a challenge, but I hadn't expected it to be so easy either. We, the rag tag team of rookies, with a veteran in tow and myself leading, were beating the well established giants that had been defending their universities for years.
      I look to the future. I see Harvard College. I see it burning. I've devised the ultimate plan. We will win. We will make the name of Ottawa feared.

****
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
tirentu
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Canada1257 Posts
February 16 2010 19:04 GMT
#2
Hey, you only 3-1'd MTA. I totally won my game!

CHEF'S STORY IS UNREALISTIC :O.
unit
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
United States2621 Posts
February 16 2010 19:10 GMT
#3
this isnt dumb ^__^ great read Ottawa FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!...hoping for more installments!?!?!?
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
February 16 2010 19:16 GMT
#4
Get your damn propaganda out of here, tirentu.
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
tirentu
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Canada1257 Posts
February 16 2010 19:17 GMT
#5
On February 17 2010 04:16 Chef wrote:
Get your damn propaganda out of here, tirentu.


No worries, we love you anyways.
andiCR
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
Costa Rica2273 Posts
February 16 2010 19:18 GMT
#6
lol great read
Nightmare1795 wrote: I played a guy in bronze who said he was Japanese. That was the only game I ever dropped a nuke, which was purely coincidental.
Nal_rAwr
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
United States2611 Posts
February 16 2010 19:39 GMT
#7
lol great
Nony is Bonjwa
Neivler
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Norway911 Posts
February 16 2010 19:52 GMT
#8
Pics or it never happend!
I pwn noobs
love1another
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
United States1844 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-16 20:13:28
February 16 2010 20:13 GMT
#9
lol..... This is better than proberto.
"I'm learning more and more that TL isn't the place to go for advice outside of anything you need in college. It's like you guys just make up your own fantasy world shit and post it as if you've done it." - Chill
KwarK
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
United States42539 Posts
February 16 2010 20:22 GMT
#10
The school bit reminded me about a great series of books based upon a similar premise.
Mortal Engines by Philip Reeve
The little town was so close that he could see the antlike shapes of people running about on its upper tiers. How frightened they must be, with London bearing down on them and nowhere to hide! But he knew he mustn't feel sorry for them. It was natural that cities ate towns, just as the towns ate smaller towns and smaller towns snapped up the miserable static settlements. That was Municipal Darwinism, and it was the way the world had worked for a thousand years, ever since the great engineer Nikolas Quirke had turned London into the first traction city.
ModeratorThe angels have the phone box
Carnivorous Sheep
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Baa?21242 Posts
February 16 2010 20:38 GMT
#11
Chef writes amazing blogs ^^
TranslatorBaa!
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-16 20:48:39
February 16 2010 20:47 GMT
#12
On February 17 2010 05:22 KwarK wrote:
The school bit reminded me about a great series of books based upon a similar premise.
Mortal Engines by Philip Reeve
Show nested quote +
The little town was so close that he could see the antlike shapes of people running about on its upper tiers. How frightened they must be, with London bearing down on them and nowhere to hide! But he knew he mustn't feel sorry for them. It was natural that cities ate towns, just as the towns ate smaller towns and smaller towns snapped up the miserable static settlements. That was Municipal Darwinism, and it was the way the world had worked for a thousand years, ever since the great engineer Nikolas Quirke had turned London into the first traction city.

I had to read the first book of that series. Liked it a fair bit actually, though it's a more common idea than you might think. Chrome Shelled Regios, ICE, and probably a million others are basically the same thing. Mortal Engines was much more devoted to the theme though. This is much more a parody of Chrome Shell Regios than anything else though.
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
Thratur
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada917 Posts
February 16 2010 23:01 GMT
#13
Omg, a new story from Chef! It is awesome!

Thank you Chef! (Make more)
Pwntrucci[sR]
Profile Blog Joined June 2006
Canada1519 Posts
February 16 2010 23:30 GMT
#14
The excitement had me scrolling down the pic faster then I used to turn DBZ pages when goku was fighting friesa.
bg
3FFA
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States3931 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-17 00:15:06
February 17 2010 00:14 GMT
#15
On February 17 2010 05:38 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
Chef writes amazing blogs ^^


SO TRUE

edit: to pwn(user above me) ROFL
"As long as it comes from a pure place and from a honest place, you know, you can write whatever you want."
s_86
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
United States191 Posts
February 17 2010 19:33 GMT
#16
Ottawa U Rules!!
evanthebouncy!
Profile Blog Joined June 2006
United States12796 Posts
February 18 2010 07:16 GMT
#17
On February 17 2010 08:30 Pwntrucci[sR] wrote:
The excitement had me scrolling down the pic faster then I used to turn DBZ pages when goku was fighting friesa.

Ghahahaha!!!
Life is run, it is dance, it is fast, passionate and BAM!, you dance and sing and booze while you can for now is the time and time is mine. Smile and laugh when still can for now is the time and soon you die!
DreaM)XeRO
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
Korea (South)4667 Posts
February 18 2010 22:27 GMT
#18
On February 17 2010 04:04 tirentu wrote:
Hey, you only 3-1'd MTA. I totally won my game!

CHEF'S STORY IS UNREALISTIC :O.

looooooooool
cw)minsean(ru
Impervious
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Canada4198 Posts
January 13 2011 02:45 GMT
#19
Why don't you have SC2 yet?

Chef, in charge of the team while I was MIA, led our team to a win with this:

+ Show Spoiler +
[image loading]
Yea, that's 5 pools, with an all Zerg lineup vs Harvard. Fucking right!


Then, supporting the team, even when unavailable to play, led us to:

+ Show Spoiler +
[image loading]
And playing one hell of a game vs NonY himself in our match vs Duke


Now, this:

+ Show Spoiler +
[image loading]
wtf fail


Summed up: WE NEED YOU!!!!!
~ \(ˌ)im-ˈpər-vē-əs\ : not capable of being damaged or harmed.
emperorchampion
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
Canada9496 Posts
January 13 2011 03:00 GMT
#20
Ouch, c'mon Canadian brothers!!

ps. I like how the logo has GG on it :p
TRUEESPORTS || your days as a respected member of team liquid are over
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