EPTAll too soon I ran into what I thought was a club meeting, goofed around in it until some angry lady told me that it is actually a class not a club and shooed me away, she then complained to my supervisor, "Your tutor was disturbing my seminar session and hurting my student's feelings". I wasn't even on shift, I wasn't even in my uniform. She found out I was a math tutor by snooping around the academic service center which I worked, and which she saw me hang out... As to "hurting students feeling" it was an offhand remark to her students, when she gave a direction to her students that "You can only work on this one thing and no freestyle", to which I remarked "Man she's making all of u factory monkeys" jokingly. Apparently according to her, that joke hurt the student's feelings somehow...
Anyways my supervisor and I had a deep talk, and he explained to me that he has to talk to his supervisor about my situation, and that he understands I'm an excellent tutor, and that he does like me personally, but on a professional level, I might not be suitable for the job. He also told me that it is possible that I might be released from the position(somehow an ironic "freedom" in this context). Since then I have not been able to tutor, because they put a temporary suspension on my position until they settled my case, and I was deemed too "dangerous" and "risky" to continue my job. So I was effectively disabled for 2 weeks straight.
Job, no Job, doesn't matter. There's this co-worker who worked with me, who I feel fond of. I met her last year, during the first week of school. There was a ballroom seminar which we both went, and which we danced together. I felt, at that time, of all the girls I danced with, she felt the most comfortable, that there's something "just right" when I danced with her, and with non else. And that my body would heat like fire each time I hold her close. I asked her if she would consider joining the team, but she said maybe not, because she also wanted to be in choir. She also told me at some point, but not particularly pointing out, that she already has a boyfriend. I felt sad, but not hopeless then... After that I never seen her again for the longest time, only sometimes I would see her on the streets, in passing, and I would wave ceremoniously, and she would beam back. I danced w/ her a little bit when I ran into her in one of the proms, which was fairly awesome.
You could imagine how happy I was when I went to a tutoring meeting one day, and found out that out of 4 new math tutor we hired, there she was. I was so happy happy, and my bones tingled with fuzzy feelings. I sat next to her and made car out of m&m and m&m bags, and bunch of interesting geometric shapes, I guess that's the only way I show affections. Since then I've been on very good terms with her, showing her interesting theorems and proofs, puzzles and games, and she liked them. It is not common for girls to enjoy those, but she seems impressed and interested, and I spent prolonged minutes starring at her when we're together, she doesn't seem to mind. In tutor meetings I would save a seat on my side, and she would sit next to me when she comes...
Before I was suspended from my job, I had a shift with her which is more than I could ever asked for. However, I still show up to my shifts, after I was suspended, just to see her and talk to her, and help her out when she gets stumped at some hard questions. I would jokingly say to her "You sure you're not confusing them?" and she would say "I hope not" and smile. I have not told her my job situation, and she only knows that I'm not on shift, that I am "taking a break", apparently for over 2 weeks...
I met with my supervisor last Thursday, and he told me he would get back to me about my employment status asap, which is before this Wednesday, which he would be going on vacation. So either way I would found out about my situation by this Wednesday, either fired or not. Feeling that my time is running short, I thought to myself, that it is about time for me to tell her how I feel, before I am fired, before it would be a long long time until I would have a good excuse to be close to her. I walked her out of the tutoring room, like how I normally do. She called her boyfriend, where she put most of her stuff at his place, like how she normally does "Hey I'm done." And I told her, that it is possible that I might be fired. She went "What why?" And I explained, and I said that is is my fault for making the student feel bad, but I think the second incident with the seminar was just bad luck.
"Why are you here then? Isn't it so far to walk from where you live?" She asked me. I cannot dodge, I probably planned this conversation 12321321 times inside my brain, what I should tell her, what information I should get across, and how I might feel, and always sporting an embarrassing smile when I thought of it. There was no smile then, only a self-bemusing grimace and a chuckle, "I suppose, because I want to see you."
There was silence.
No, not the thick dead silence, not the sad heavy silence. It was a cool clear silence, chilling out in the autumn wind with falling leaves. I could not make out her expressions, it was dark, but I feel she's starring at me closely, slightly bent forward and stooped in my direction, her hairs draping down from her head like rains. There was something close to comfortable, I did not feel nervous, only an urge to tell her exactly what's on my mind, and so I said, "Everything just felt right with you, like when we danced in ballroom, it's just you who felt right, like no other girls, they don't feel the same... I was sad when you didn't continue to dance then." "I'm sorry, yeah, no time..." "No no it's fine, I just had to say it. But don't worry about it too much, it is a very respectful and kind feeling, don't think about it too much... I'm sorry." Silence again. "Well, I better get back to my stuffs downstairs then..." I said, don't want to be seen by her boyfriend, now that I got my points across. "Yeah, good luck on your midterms!" She said. "Thanks." I smiled briefly, and stepped back down the stairs to the service center.
Half sad that things should be this way, half happy that I finally told her what's on my mind, and a third of feelings that I do not understand nor tried to, that makes the feeling more than what I could feel for... Singing in the light breeze on the way back, relieved and sad, slightly frustrating and making fun at myself for it, whistling a Spanish tune that I cannot decide if it is happy or sad, yet definitely not neutral.
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