2014 Olympic Ice Hockey Tournament of Manly Men

QuanticHawk

United States32165 Posts

January 23 2014 17:57 GMT

This handsome man pictured above is modeling what the future gold winning Muricans shall wear for the opening ceremonies of the 2014 Olympics. The tournament shall run from Feb 12 to Feb 23 in Sochi, Russia. Unlike the last Games, these Olympics will be played on international sized ice, which rewards players for being floaty pinkos.

In the 2010 Games, some ugly, mush brained Canadian scored the luckiest fucking goal in the history of the sport to help his stupid team of stupids win gold. This year, everyone hopes that Dustin Brown elbows him in the hallway because no one likes him or the Canadians besides other funny talking Canadians.

Favorites to finish second behind the glorious and righteous Saviors of the Free World are the Stupid Guys with the Red Leaf on their Jerseys, Team Gay Haters and Bork Bork Bork. The Fins, Czechs and Slovaks are lesser favorites, but still very good teams that could definitely medal.

NBCOlympics.com will stream all of the games fo' free, both live and rebroadcasts. The game of the day will air in at 6pm. You just have to authenticate using your existing cable subscription info.

Celebrating the awesomeness of America is encouraged, as are horribly xenophobic and jingoistic comments

Rosters

USA USA USA
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Forwards: David Backes, Dustin Brown, Ryan Callahan, Patrick Kane, Ryan Kesler, Phil Kessel, T.J. Oshie, Max Pacioretty, Zach Parise, Joe Pavelski, Paul Stastny, Derek Stepan, James van Riemsdyk, Blake Wheeler

Defensemen: John Carlson, Justin Faulk, Cam Fowler, Paul Martin, Ryan McDonagh, Brooks Orpik, Kevin Shattenkirk, Ryan Suter

Goalies: Jimmy Howard, Ryan Miller, Jonathan Quick

Notable Snubs: Bobby Ryan, Keith Yandle, Kyle Okposo, Jack Johnson, Erik Johnson, etc etc.

Russia
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Forwards: Artem Anisimov, Pavel Datsyuk, Denis Kokarev, Ilya Kovalchuk, Nikolai Kulemin, Evgeni Malkin, Valeri Nichushkin, Alex Ovechkin, Alexander Popov, Alexander Radulov, Alexander Semin, Vladimir Tarasenko, Alexei Tereshenko, Viktor Tikhonov.

Defenders: Anton Belov, Alexei Emelin, Andrei Markov, Evgeny Medvedev, Nikita Nikitin, Ilya Nikulin, Fedor Tyutin, Slava Voynov.

Goalkeepers: Sergei Bobrovsky, Semyon Varlamov, Alexander Yeryomenko.

Notable snubs: Sergei Gonchar, Anton Volchankov, Nail Yakupov, Dmitry Kulikov

Slovakia
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Forwards: Milan Bartovic, Marian Gaborik, Michal Handzus, Marcel Hossa, Marian Hossa, Tomas Jurco, Tomas Kopecky, Tomas Marcinko, Michel Miklik, Peter Ölvecky, Richard Panik, Tomas Surovy, Tomas Tatar, Tomas Zaborsky

Defensemen: Ivan Baranka, Dominik Granak, Zdeno Chara, Martin Marincin, Andrej Meszaros, Andrej Sekera, Michal Sersen, Lubomir Visnovsky

Goaltenders: Peter Budaj, Jaroslav Halak, Jan Laco

Slovenia
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Forwards: Bostjan Golicic, Ziga Jeglic, Anze Kopitar, Anze Kuralt, Jan Mursak, Ales Music, Ziga Pance, Tomaz Razingar, David Rodman, Marcel Rodman, Robert Sabolic, Rok Ticar, Jan Urbas, Miha Verlic.

Defencemen: Blaz Gregorc, Sabahudin Kovacevic, Ales Kranjc, Ziga Pavlin, Klemen Pretnar, Mitja Robar, Matic Podlipnik, Andrej Tavzelj.

Goaltenders: Luka Gracnar, Andrej Hocevar, Robert Kristan.

CanaDUH
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Forwards: Jamie Benn, Patrice Bergeron, Jeff Carter, Sidney Crosby, Matt Duchene, Ryan Getzlaf, Chris Kunitz, Patrick Marleau, Rick Nash, Corey Perry, Patrick Sharp, Steven Stamkos, John Tavares, Jonathan Toews

Defense: Jay Bouwmeester, Drew Doughty, Dan Hamhuis, Duncan Keith, Alex Pietrangelo, P.K. Subban, Marc-Edouard Vlasic, Shea Weber

Goalies: Roberto Luongo, Carey Price, Mike Smith

Notable snubs: EVERYONE: http://www.cbssports.com/nhl/eye-on-hockey/24401361/canada-olympic-hockey-team-the-allsnub-team-could-compete-too

Finland
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Forwards: Juhamatti Aaltonen, Aleksander Barkov, Valtteri Filppula, Mikael Granlund, Jussi Jokinen, Olli Jokinen, Mikko Koivu, Leo Komarov, Petri Kontiola, Lauri Korpikoski, Jori Lehterä, Antti Pihlström, Tuomo Ruutu, Teemu Selänne

Defensemen: Lasse Kukkonen, Juuso Hietanen, Sami Lepistö, Olli Maatta, Sami Salo, Kimmo Timonen, Ossi Väänänen, Sami Vatanen

Goaltenders: Kari Lehtonen, Antti Niemi, Tuukka Rask

Snubs: The corpse of Saku Koivu

Team Zuccarel--I mean Norway
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Forwards: Morten Ask, Anders Bastiansen, Robin Dahlstrom, Kristian Forsberg, Mads Hansen, Marius Holtet, Sondre Olden, Ken Andre Olimb, Mathis Olimb, Mats Rosseli Olsen, Niklas Roest, Martin Roymark, Per-Age Skroder, Patrick Thoresen, Mats Zuccarello.

Defence: Alexander Bonsaksen, Jonas Holos, Henrik Solberg, Daniel Sorvik, Ole-Kristian Tollefsen, Mats Trygg, Henrik Odegaard.

Goaltenders: Lars Haugen, Lars Volden, Steffen Soberg.

Austria
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Forwards: Michael Grabner, Raphael Herburger, Thomas Hundertpfund, Matthias Iberer, Thomas Koch, Andreas Kristler, Manuel Latusa, Brian Lebler, Daniel Oberkofler, Michael Raffl, Thomas Raffl, Oliver Setzinger, Thomas Vanek, Daniel Welser.

Defence: Mario Altmann, Florian Iberer, Andre Lakos, Robert Lukas, Thomas Pock, Matthias Trattnig, Stefan Ulmer, Gerhard Unterluggauer.

Goaltenders: Bernhard Starkbaum, Rene Swette, Fabian Weinhandl.

Czech Republic
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Forward: Roman Cervenka, Patrik Elias, Michael Frolik, Martin Hanzal, Ales Hemsky, Jaromir Jagr, David Krejci, Milan Michalek, Petr Nedved, Jiri Novotny, Ondrej Palat, Tomas Plekanec, Vladimir Sobotka, Jakub Voracek.

Defense: Michal Barinka, Michal Rozsival, Radko Gudas, Tomas Kaberle, Lukas Krajicek, Zbynek Michalek, Ladislav Smid, Marek Zidlicky

Goalies: Ondrej Pavelec, Alexander Salak, Jakub Kovar

Snubs: Jiri Hudler, Radim Vrbata, Thomas Tomas Fleischmann, Roman Polak, etc

Bork Bork Bork
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Forwards: Daniel Alfredsson, Nicklas Backstrom, Patrik Berglund, Jimmie Ericsson, Loui Eriksson, Johan Franzen, Carl Hagelin, Marcus Kruger, Gabriel Landeskog, Daniel Sedin, Henrik Sedin, Jakob Silfverberg, Alexander Steen, Henrik Zetterberg.

Defensemen: Alexander Edler, Oliver Ekman-Larsson, Jonathan Ericsson, Niklas Hjalmarsson, Erik Karlsson, Niklas Kronwall, Johnny Oduya, Henrik Tallinder.

Goaltenders: Jhonas Enroth, Jonas Gustavsson, The Most Handsome Man in Hockey

Snubs: Viktor Hedmann, Patric Hornqvist, Marcus Johansson, Robin Lehner, Mika Zibanejad

Switzerland
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Forwards: Andres Ambühl (HC Davos), Matthias Bieber (Kloten Flyers), Simon Bodenmann (Kloten Flyers), Damien Brunner (New Jersey Devils), Luca Cunti (ZSC Lions), Ryan Gardner (SC Bern), Denis Hollenstein (Genève-Servette HC), Simon Moser (Milwaukee Admirals), Nino Niederreiter (Minnesota Wild), Martin Plüss (SC Bern), Kevin Romy (Genève-Servette HC), Reto Suri (EV Zug), Morris Trachsler (ZSC Lions), Roman Wick (ZSC Lions)

Defensemen: Severin Blindenbacher (ZSC Lions), Rafael Diaz (Montréal Canadiens), Philippe Furrer (SC Bern), Roman Josi (Nashville Predators), Mathias Seger (Captain, ZSC Lions), Mark Streit (Philadelphia Flyers), Julien Vauclair (HC Lugano), Yannick Weber (Vancouver Canucks)

Goalies: Reto Berra (Calgary Flames), Jonas Hiller (Anaheim Ducks), Tobias Stephan (Genève-Servette HC)

Snubs: Luca Sbisa, Sven Baertschi

Drunk, old Sandis Ozolinsh and Latvian friends
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Forwards: Armands Berzins, Martins Cipulis, Lauris Darzins, Kaspars Daugavins, Zemgus Girgensons, Miks Indrasis, Koba Jass, Martins Karsums, Ronalds Kenins, Vitalijs Pavlovs, Mikelis Redlihs, Janis Sprukts, Juris Stals, Herberts Vasiljevs.

Defence: Oskars Bartulis, Ralfs Freibergs, Arturs Kulda, Sandis Ozolinsh, Georgijs Pujacs, Krisjanis Redlihs, Arvids Rekis, Kristaps Sotnieks.

Goaltenders: Kristers Gudlevskis, Edgars Masalskis, Ervins Mustukovs.

Groups & Schedules:

Group A
Russia
Slovakia
United States
Slovenia

Group B
Finland
Canada
Norway
Austria

Group C
Czech Republic
Sweden
Switzerland
Latvia

Schedule, with explanation of playoff round process: http://www.sbnation.com/nhl/2014/1/9/5292704/winter-olympics-hockey-schedule-2014-sochi

For some awful reason, the gold game is 7 fucking 30 am. Ick.

Sn0_Man

Tebellong44238 Posts

January 23 2014 18:11 GMT

Here's hoping the US doesn't make it out of groups.

Edit: apparently this isn't even possible lol. Olympics pls

AlternativeEgo

Sweden17309 Posts

January 23 2014 18:16 GMT

Hey Hawk, your team has got really ugly sweaters

QuanticHawk

United States32165 Posts

January 23 2014 18:25 GMT

Yeah group is strictly just for seeding. Top four get byes.

Those sweaters ownnnnnn.

The jerseys, not so much. Most of them sucked this year tbh. The Murican fake laces and plastic stars are retarded. Sweden, Austria and Russia area all pretty tight

http://www.stanleycupofchowder.com/2014/1/17/5319302/sochi-2014-a-full-rundown-of-each-nations-olympic-jerseys

RvB

Netherlands6327 Posts

January 23 2014 18:27 GMT

Any recomendations on which games to watch, I like to watch the sport with olympics but I don't really know a lot about it :D.

Flicky

England2676 Posts

January 23 2014 18:29 GMT

Can't wait for this. The Olympic Hockey tournament is up their with the World Cup for sheer international goodness. Can't wait for that.

Sn0_Man

Tebellong44238 Posts

January 23 2014 18:31 GMT

On January 24 2014 03:27 RvB wrote:
Any recomendations on which games to watch, I like to watch the sport with olympics but I don't really know a lot about it :D.

Should be lots of good games tbh. The group stage games probably won't be terribly exciting, but really any game that doesn't have (Slovenia/Latvia/Austria/Switzerland) should be pretty high-level and fun. The 4 I mentioned aren't really on the same level as the rest IMO.

Obviously watching the Semifinals and Finals will be much more hype. The "traditional" top 4 would be Canada/US/Russia/Sweden but there are upsets with decent regularity and if one of those teams stumbles in the groups that final 4 might not even be possible. Should be a fun tournament tbh.

Dknight

United States5225 Posts

January 23 2014 18:34 GMT

I'm digging Russia's double eagle jersey.

Poor Slovakia, in with the US and Russia. Hope they reach the top 4 though.

QuanticHawk

United States32165 Posts

January 23 2014 18:35 GMT

On January 24 2014 03:27 RvB wrote:
Any recomendations on which games to watch, I like to watch the sport with olympics but I don't really know a lot about it :D.

In group play, you play each group member once. So in A, any time a combo of Russia, US and Slovakia play is gonna be good. In B, Finland-Canada should be good. Finland always plays well despite not being one of the more skilled teams on paper. Czech and Sweden should be really good too.

Those teams area all the clubs that most would figure have a real shot of medaling. As someone else said, the others will most likely be fodder. However, because of the nature of hockey, a hot goalie and a timely goal or good bounce can give you a win, which means you shouldnt totally sleep on the underdogs.

QuanticHawk

United States32165 Posts

January 23 2014 18:48 GMT

#10

For other people who don't watch much, some narratives to pay attention to:

Canada is the best team on paper. Their B squad would still be a top 3 fav. They're also notorious chokers, and stupid. There's always speculation about the roster pickings, and the Canadian media eating itself would be glorious. Stuff to pay attention to is who starts in net (Lu vs Price) since this is viewed as the weakest goalie group in years. Even though those two are good, Canada used to be a goalie factory. Narrative two will be if they're stupid enough to not play PK Subban, who is the man. Three would be if Chris Kuntiz gets any meaningful time despite being far and away the least skilled of the Canadian forwards. He got on strictly because he puts up points on the wing of He Who Shall Not Be Named.

US, the question is who starts in net: Miller, who tore it up in 2010 and had a great season despite being meh the past three years, or Quick, who still rides his Stanley Cup run a few years back despite being underwhelming otherwise. B would be the snubs the team made. They basically had the mantra of rolling a balanced team vs an all star team, leaving off someone like Bobby Ryan, who scores an assload of goals but would not fit elsewhere on a roster besides on the first line and PP.

Russia is on home ice, so the normal insane expectations are doubled. Like 2010, the team made some questionable exclusions so they could add some marginal players from the KHL, which is the mediocre Russian league. Semin was recently added due to injury after being snubbed. Russia had some ridiculous talent in the top six, but their blue line is ho-hum. They also got hammered in 2010 because they did a lot of floaty freelancing, but the open ice might benefit them this year.

Sweden boasts a very skilled group. The main thing will be if Lundqvist, who led them to gold in 2006, can regain his top 3 goalie in the world form he's had since entering the NHL. This year, he had been notably off, even though the team in front of him had been extremely mediocre.

Finland has Selanne is his last go round, and will have to wait and see if Mikku Koivu is healthy enough to play. He'd be their top center, so not having him would be major.

Czech is an older team now, featuring dudes like Jagr, Elias and Nedved who are almost surely in their last Games. They're skiled up front, and feature some really good two way forwards. However, the blue line and especially goal are much weaker than other clubs. Pavelec sucks, and he's probably option #1.

Slovakia has some studs in Chara, Gaborik, Marian Hossa, and some good but not great players like Halak, Handzus, etc. They're not an elite team, and are in a rough group, but they've got enough talent to be dangerous for sure.

Sn0_Man

Tebellong44238 Posts

January 23 2014 18:54 GMT

#11

Sweden has a ton of old-ass players too really. But the skill is definitely there.

I find it hilarious that names like Jagr, Selanne and Ozolinch are still in this games when I remember playing with them in NHL '99 when I was a kid LOL.

QuanticHawk

United States32165 Posts

January 23 2014 19:04 GMT

#12

Eh, outside of Alfredsson, the team as a whole isn't relying on 35+ dudes like the Czech.

It is wild that there's so many old guys like that, esp Ozolinch haha

WiseBagus

Canada452 Posts

January 23 2014 21:25 GMT

#13

Crosby didn't score that goal, Iginla did all the work. Guess I'll be waking up early to see Canada play for the gold.

Flaccid

8929 Posts

January 23 2014 22:45 GMT

#14

Sorry bud, Alex Bilodeau says that your uniform needs more beaver scarf.

[image loading]

So that makes two things Bilodeau has that Parise doesn't - a beaver scarf and an Olympic gold medal.

Banff

Canada39 Posts

January 23 2014 23:00 GMT

#15

On January 24 2014 07:45 Flaccid wrote:
Sorry bud, Alex Bilodeau says that your uniform needs more beaver scarf.
So that makes two things Bilodeau has that Parise doesn't - a beaver scarf and an Olympic gold medal.

Think I'm going to have to buy that scarf from the bay...

I was surprised at the American roster for leaving out Yandle & Bobby Ryan. I just watched the coyotes play and Yandle is fast, great puck moving abilities. So many head scratchers, but mind you I didn't make the show so what do I know?

Marty St. Louis should have made the roster, Jiri Hudler should have made it too. My favourite statistic is the number of players named Tomas on Slovakia.

GolemMadness

Canada11044 Posts

January 24 2014 00:43 GMT

#16

The only important thing you need to know about the Czech team is that Vrbata isn't on it.

QuanticHawk

United States32165 Posts

January 24 2014 04:08 GMT

#17

On January 24 2014 07:45 Flaccid wrote:
Sorry bud, Alex Bilodeau says that your uniform needs more beaver scarf.

[image loading]

So that makes two things Bilodeau has that Parise doesn't - a beaver scarf and an Olympic gold medal.

admittedly pretty badass for a canadian

fLyiNgDroNe

Belgium4155 Posts

January 24 2014 08:01 GMT

#18

Here's to USA knocking out Canada. I would enjoy crushing team USA afterwards like we always (well, almost, TT) do.

y0su

Finland7871 Posts

January 24 2014 08:14 GMT

#19

SUOMI!

I think Russia's jersey is pretty sick!

GolemMadness

Canada11044 Posts

January 24 2014 09:10 GMT

#20

On January 24 2014 17:01 fLyiNgDroNe wrote:
Here's to USA knocking out Canada. I would enjoy crushing team USA afterwards like we always (well, almost, TT) do.

What, can't do it yourself?

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