EPTA Deadly Halloween - Page 2
| Forum Index > Closed |
|
EffervescentAureola
United States410 Posts
| ||
|
Aerisky
United States12129 Posts
| ||
|
DarkPlasmaBall
United States45431 Posts
On September 22 2012 12:18 EffervescentAureola wrote: That's quite perceptive of you. Carlos did in fact survive and that's how the police was able to track Tommy. Edit: Carlos tried to swim away when he was in the bay, after he drove the pickup car into the water. Everyone else in the car drowned, but Carlos was able to swim away and escape. At first Carlos pretended to be dead, making his body sink but coming up for air every few seconds, but making it seem like he was dead and his face turned to the air "accidentally" as if the water current was moving his lifeless body. Tommy was not fully convinced and shot Carlos twice from the docks which were some distance away, and he shot him in what Tommy thought was Carlos's head, but in fact he shot Carlos in the shoulder. Tommy saw blood and stopped shooting after that, convinced that Carlos was dead. In fact, when Tommy left the area, Carlos struggled to swim to shore, and then called 911 on a nearby pay phone. He was rushed to the hospital on an ambulance, and the police was notified of Tommy's actions. I knew it. | ||
|
airtown
United States410 Posts
| ||
|
-_-Quails
Australia796 Posts
There is zero emotional depth to any of the characters, including Tommy. The closest you get to providing a motive for any of his actions is to say 'he snapped, so his conscience went awol, but he's not all bad because he didn't want his parents to know he'd hit a kid whilst drunken joyriding in his dad's car'. That is not nearly sufficient to allow the reader to feel any sort of connection to Tommy. You miss out entirely on describing the experience of any of the victims, and give only skeletal, factual details of Tommy's own experience. For the most part, it reads like a list of murder methods. That is not horror, that is a child's attempt to shock their English teacher. Horror is all about creating a visceral, emotional response and for that you need to forge emotional connections between the reader and the characters. The reader should be able to feel the night-chilled water rushing into the car as Carlos tries frantically to force his way through it and out of the sinking car. They should feel the shock, fear, and despair of the future prom queen as her halloween party becomes a nightmare; she really isn't emotionally ready to deal with something like this and in between trying to find some way past the maniac with the shovel to the door and away from the mist beginning to burn her eyes and throat, she can't help but wonder how this will affect her chances of getting into Princeton or quite contain the flinch when one of her guests drags her grandmother's carriage clock from the mantelpiece as they stumble to the floor. They should step inside Tommy's head and feel the shock and the blind panic when he realises he has hit a child. They should feel the sudden certainty that this is all his fault and the sudden realisation that there will be consequences for his actions. They should feel all the pressures that bear down on Tommy from every direction - to not fail any subjects at school even though it's all he can do to scrape a D+ in chemistry, to be cool with his friends, to be a good son, to make something of his life - and feel him buckle under the strain of trying to work out a way those can remain achievable even after hitting a child while driving drunk without a license, until his mind clears and he knows exactly what to do to make things okay again. The key to all of these is that the reader should feel. Additionally, you should provide greater background detail. Tommy quickly gets ahold of several difficult-to-obtain weapons - including multiple artillery shells containing a chemical weapon banned under international law since decades before Tommy was born and never useful for civilian purposes anyway and, of course, the explosives. Where does he live and what does his family do that this is possible? Why did no-one notice a kid getting knocked down on a night where the streets are crowded with children? How did Tommy have time to get between so many places before the news spread to them that something really bad was going on? These details are necessary for the story to make sense. Every detail you include should have a purpose. There should be no throwaway remarks that are not at some point relevant to a part of the story, or at least beneficial to the reader's understanding of the characters and the setting. That means not stating the ethnicity of people Tommy kills who you don't plan on mentioning again. If their ethnicity is mentioned, it should be in such a way that it enhances reader immersion in the story. Side note: Tommy is not a necrophiliac as Kathy was alive when he had sex with her. He is, however, a rapist as she was unconscious at the time and would have almost certainly not consented were she conscious. | ||
|
airtown
United States410 Posts
| ||
|
AnachronisticAnarchy
United States2957 Posts
On September 23 2012 02:46 airtown wrote: ^ You're probably over-thinking it. I'm 90% sure he intended this to be satirical and funny. Tommy apparently has access to "artillery shells containing mustard gas and phosgene agent." I mean, wtf, does this 17 year old work at a WWI museum or something? I'm 90% sure you're wrong. This is the guy who lied about having a Russian girlfriend to wow tons of people he doesn't know on the internet. Also the guy who bumped this story about a dozen times for more views. Read his replies. This was his honest attempt at writing a good story. | ||
|
EffervescentAureola
United States410 Posts
Happy Halloween suckers | ||
|
EffervescentAureola
United States410 Posts
![[image loading]](http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/hurricane-sandy-meme.jpeg) | ||
|
GnarlyArbitrage
575 Posts
| ||
|
EffervescentAureola
United States410 Posts
On October 31 2012 10:53 DigiGnar wrote: Only a temp ban? Didn't his alter-ego get a 90 day ban?  User was banned for this post. | ||
|
EffervescentAureola
United States410 Posts
| ||
|
Azera
3800 Posts
| ||
|
ktimekiller
United States690 Posts
| ||
| ||
