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A Deadly Halloween - Page 2

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EffervescentAureola
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
United States410 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-09-22 05:50:43
September 22 2012 05:48 GMT
#21
At the party, he had a heavy aluminum shovel and was mauling anyone who looked like they might try to run out of the house or call the cops or looked like they might survive to tell the story.
Aerisky
Profile Blog Joined May 2012
United States12129 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-09-22 05:59:55
September 22 2012 05:59 GMT
#22
You are editing most of your replies to your blog anyway--just edit all those extra posts into a single one instead of repeatedly bumping this mind-blowingly bizarre halloween horror story...
Jim while Johnny had had had had had had had; had had had had the better effect on the teacher.
DarkPlasmaBall
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
United States44312 Posts
September 22 2012 06:15 GMT
#23
On September 22 2012 12:18 EffervescentAureola wrote:
Show nested quote +
On September 22 2012 08:07 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:
Sounds legit. I really like how every few lines, you add in another "And then he totally realized he had another deadly weapon handy in his back pocket".

Also, is this based on a true story?

And if so, which of those characters are you? I'm thinking Carlos.


That's quite perceptive of you.
Carlos did in fact survive and that's how the police was able to track Tommy.

Edit:
Carlos tried to swim away when he was in the bay, after he drove the pickup car into the water. Everyone else in the car drowned, but Carlos was able to swim away and escape. At first Carlos pretended to be dead, making his body sink but coming up for air every few seconds, but making it seem like he was dead and his face turned to the air "accidentally" as if the water current was moving his lifeless body. Tommy was not fully convinced and shot Carlos twice from the docks which were some distance away, and he shot him in what Tommy thought was Carlos's head, but in fact he shot Carlos in the shoulder. Tommy saw blood and stopped shooting after that, convinced that Carlos was dead. In fact, when Tommy left the area, Carlos struggled to swim to shore, and then called 911 on a nearby pay phone. He was rushed to the hospital on an ambulance, and the police was notified of Tommy's actions.


I knew it.
"There is nothing more satisfying than looking at a crowd of people and helping them get what I love." ~Day[9] Daily #100
airtown
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
United States410 Posts
September 22 2012 15:40 GMT
#24
Meanwhile, in Alabama...
http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/news/20010430/northwoods.pdf
-_-Quails
Profile Joined February 2011
Australia796 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-09-22 15:58:53
September 22 2012 15:52 GMT
#25
This is not well written or narratively well constructed. It is not compelling in any way, nor does it function as a horror story.

There is zero emotional depth to any of the characters, including Tommy. The closest you get to providing a motive for any of his actions is to say 'he snapped, so his conscience went awol, but he's not all bad because he didn't want his parents to know he'd hit a kid whilst drunken joyriding in his dad's car'. That is not nearly sufficient to allow the reader to feel any sort of connection to Tommy. You miss out entirely on describing the experience of any of the victims, and give only skeletal, factual details of Tommy's own experience. For the most part, it reads like a list of murder methods.

That is not horror, that is a child's attempt to shock their English teacher. Horror is all about creating a visceral, emotional response and for that you need to forge emotional connections between the reader and the characters.

The reader should be able to feel the night-chilled water rushing into the car as Carlos tries frantically to force his way through it and out of the sinking car.

They should feel the shock, fear, and despair of the future prom queen as her halloween party becomes a nightmare; she really isn't emotionally ready to deal with something like this and in between trying to find some way past the maniac with the shovel to the door and away from the mist beginning to burn her eyes and throat, she can't help but wonder how this will affect her chances of getting into Princeton or quite contain the flinch when one of her guests drags her grandmother's carriage clock from the mantelpiece as they stumble to the floor.

They should step inside Tommy's head and feel the shock and the blind panic when he realises he has hit a child. They should feel the sudden certainty that this is all his fault and the sudden realisation that there will be consequences for his actions. They should feel all the pressures that bear down on Tommy from every direction - to not fail any subjects at school even though it's all he can do to scrape a D+ in chemistry, to be cool with his friends, to be a good son, to make something of his life - and feel him buckle under the strain of trying to work out a way those can remain achievable even after hitting a child while driving drunk without a license, until his mind clears and he knows exactly what to do to make things okay again.

The key to all of these is that the reader should feel.


Additionally, you should provide greater background detail. Tommy quickly gets ahold of several difficult-to-obtain weapons - including multiple artillery shells containing a chemical weapon banned under international law since decades before Tommy was born and never useful for civilian purposes anyway and, of course, the explosives. Where does he live and what does his family do that this is possible? Why did no-one notice a kid getting knocked down on a night where the streets are crowded with children? How did Tommy have time to get between so many places before the news spread to them that something really bad was going on? These details are necessary for the story to make sense.

Every detail you include should have a purpose. There should be no throwaway remarks that are not at some point relevant to a part of the story, or at least beneficial to the reader's understanding of the characters and the setting. That means not stating the ethnicity of people Tommy kills who you don't plan on mentioning again. If their ethnicity is mentioned, it should be in such a way that it enhances reader immersion in the story.


Side note: Tommy is not a necrophiliac as Kathy was alive when he had sex with her. He is, however, a rapist as she was unconscious at the time and would have almost certainly not consented were she conscious.
"I post only when my brain works." - Reaper9
airtown
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
United States410 Posts
September 22 2012 17:46 GMT
#26
^ You're probably over-thinking it. I'm 90% sure he intended this to be satirical and funny. Tommy apparently has access to "artillery shells containing mustard gas and phosgene agent." I mean, wtf, does this 17 year old work at a WWI museum or something?
http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/news/20010430/northwoods.pdf
AnachronisticAnarchy
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States2957 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-09-22 20:39:42
September 22 2012 20:39 GMT
#27
On September 23 2012 02:46 airtown wrote:
^ You're probably over-thinking it. I'm 90% sure he intended this to be satirical and funny. Tommy apparently has access to "artillery shells containing mustard gas and phosgene agent." I mean, wtf, does this 17 year old work at a WWI museum or something?


I'm 90% sure you're wrong. This is the guy who lied about having a Russian girlfriend to wow tons of people he doesn't know on the internet. Also the guy who bumped this story about a dozen times for more views.
Read his replies. This was his honest attempt at writing a good story.
"How are you?" "I am fine, because it is not normal to scream in pain."
EffervescentAureola
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
United States410 Posts
October 25 2012 23:44 GMT
#28
Guess this as relevant as its ever gonna be.
Happy Halloween suckers


EffervescentAureola
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
United States410 Posts
October 31 2012 01:44 GMT
#29
I know what would make this story even better
[image loading]
GnarlyArbitrage
Profile Blog Joined October 2011
575 Posts
October 31 2012 01:53 GMT
#30
Only a temp ban? Didn't his alter-ego get a 90 day ban?
EffervescentAureola
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
United States410 Posts
October 31 2012 03:09 GMT
#31
On October 31 2012 10:53 DigiGnar wrote:
Only a temp ban? Didn't his alter-ego get a 90 day ban?



User was banned for this post.
EffervescentAureola
Profile Blog Joined June 2012
United States410 Posts
October 31 2012 04:27 GMT
#32
As it turns out, due to power outages, roadside debris, and stray electrical wires in my vicinity, Halloween is (un)officially canceled tomorrow. Looks like I'm gonna have to eat all this candy by myself:p
Azera
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
3800 Posts
October 31 2012 05:02 GMT
#33
Dude stop bumping, wtf is your deal?
Check out some great music made by TLers - http://bit.ly/QXYhdb , by intrigue. http://bit.ly/RTjpOR , by ohsea.toc.
ktimekiller
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States690 Posts
October 31 2012 05:08 GMT
#34
This my friends, is what happens when you egg a troll on. He becomes mentally retarded and thinks he is legitimately being funny.
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