|
Hey all. As I sit down in front of my desk in this festive season (Chinese New Year), I have come to a big realization. I have no friends. I'm ostracised from the cliques in school and I thought that if I were to get married tomorrow, I would have nobody to call to be my best man.
I realised that it has always been like this though. I may be only 15, but I feel that this is a really bugging problem for me. Sure, you guys may say that I'm only 15 and I probably am just some ungrateful, spoilt 90's kid with aspergers. Even though that may be true, but I don't think it is. There isn't any proper way to start of this blog, so I'll just start from my early years.
In Primary School (age 7-12), I had some very close friends, at least that's what I thought. It was in Primary 1(age 7) that I developed this nasty habit of lying to impress, I never thought that I was good enough. I think some of my friends saw through my lies and decided that I was a dick and promptly left me.
But I want to skip to Primary 6 (age 12). I had my first crush when I was 12, and you may not think much of this, but holy shit, 12 is one of the most important year of a Singaporean kid, because that's when you take your first national exam (think SAT) and your results decide which Secondary school you get placed into. Naturally, this girl took up almost ALL my attention, She was actually nice to me and wasn't condescending towards me. Maybe she wasn't all that nice though, but I can't relate to anybody ("friends") that has been as nice to me as she has. I told her I liked her, but she didn't like me. She said that she was in love with this Swede kid but he recently moved back to Sweden. She then told me some unnecessary stuff about how she had her first boyfriend at 10, and got her first kiss at 10.
Unfathomably, my response was to make shit up! I told her that I actually had a girlfriend from America and a slew of other bullshit. I don't even have any idea how I was able to lie so much. I mean, with the amount of shit coming out of my mouth, my ass was jealous of my mouth. Anyway, I did pretty poorly for my PSLE (National Exam), scoring 233/300 with A's for all 4 subjects. Some of you may be inclined to make some Asian joke here, but it's an average score, it's not that good. She got 248 and went to an "elite" school. We were actually friends even after I told her that I liked her.
I remember that she invited me to her birthday party. That was the first party that I was ever invited to. I was 12 and that was the only party that I was invited to. I didn't go though, since it was pretty last minute and she was a girl.
So, starting secondary school (13), we still maintained some contact, but in my new school, my habit of lying to impress got me into such much SHIT. I apparently told my classmates that the girl was my girlfriend (please tell me I'm not the only one that does this stupid crap.) and my schoolmate from my primary school that was friends with the girl I liked overheard it. And lo and behold, she found out about the shit I was talking and cut off all communications from me.
That wasn't all that happened though, but my schoolmate (who spilled the beans on me) invited my friends from my new school to a party that I was not invited to of course, and guess who was there? The girl I liked. So the girl went on and talked about all the shit I made up earlier and blah blah blah, the shit hit the fan and bam I was rendered friendless overnight.
Of course, I'm much more mature now and I don't like the girl anymore because it was nothing but a childhood crush (funny how only a year or two can make so much difference). I'm still debating whether or not I should send her a message and come clean about everything and acknowledge all the stupid things I've said.
That however, is only part of the reason why I have no friends. I don't feel like typing much more for now, but I'll definitely continue this. For now, I'll just silently weep at the asshole that I was.
Fuck me, the only happiness that I get is from playing sc2. You guys may think that my family may be a source of comfort, but I really don't want to explain more for now.
  
|
It's a nasty habit.
Now here's what I think you should do.
First, send an email or whatever to that girl, and apologize. Tell her straight up you were insecure as hell and felt inferior and made up stuff to seem cooler. Apologize for that. Don't expect a response. Don't expect to be forgiven. Don't follow it up with anything. But apologizing will give you some closure.
Second, don't do that stupid shit again.
It may work for a while, but it will just land you in trouble over and over again.
Third, tell yourself that you are no longer that kid. If anyone ever brings it up, own it. Say, yes, I did that, I was a fucking stupid childish moron, but I've matured and don't do that stupid shit again.
Thing is, trying to explain it away, joke about, not owning it ... will make people think you are a piece of shit. Apologizing and saying you've matured ... well it's hard to be mad at someone that apologizes you know?
And you will get more chances and more friends, just don't do that over and over again. Honesty is really the best policy.
... oh, and don't expect good advice on the internet... I am probably wrong. Find someone who actually knows what the hell they are talking about 
|
Yes, I think I'll send a message to that girl. I have also started with the whole "own up to your shit" business. Good for me I guess.
Cheers!
|
If you need friends or someone to talk to just PM be bro :p
Trust me bro, I went through like the exact same kinda feelings all those years ago.
I know the feeling of hopelessness.
But all it takes is a small change, and attitude shift.
It can take one girl, one good friend or one book to entirely change your life.
So don't get upset over this, almost everyone goes through this (albeit to a lesser degree at times)
We all have challenges. Consider this to be your challenge. Prove you can beat it.
|
Happy Chinese New Year!
Fuck that shit. Not everyone in high skool will remain your friend after graduating. You will still get friends outside. Besides, all kids grow up and realise that they have done/said stupid stuff while under 18. And what you done will be forgotten.
Your life lesson from this is NOT to brag about stuff that you dont have.
|
I will use the ultimate cliche "just be yourself" and people will at least respect you.
|
I realize that high school friends may not last forever, but I have nobody to talk to other than my dad, and he's just...
That feeling when I go to bed at night and just think about how lonely I actually am... it just gets me down, and I'll just quietly weep until I fall asleep.
|
On January 22 2012 23:42 Zaros wrote:
I will use the ultimate cliche "just be yourself" and people will at least respect you.
Being myself probably repels most people. I'am a very candid, straightforward, and no nonsense person. Just like how my dad wants me to be.
|
Btw guys, I also just finished sending that girl a message.
|
On January 22 2012 23:33 Azera wrote:
Yes, I think I'll send a message to that girl. I have also started with the whole "own up to your shit" business. Good for me I guess.
Cheers!
Don't do that.
Just let it go. You don't owe her an explanation.
Just move on with your life. She was just that, a crush.
Now pretending that she was your girlfriend might be a bit silly. Inflating the truth when it comes to the field of love isn't unheard of, but pretending a real girl is your girlfriend whilst she isn't is just asking for it to blow up in your face.
You have to just accept that what was there is absolutely meaningless. Just let go of it. Don't give her a story that she doesn't give a shit about. You probably don't have the same world shattering place in her life that you have given to her in yours.
Don't send the message, acknowledge that you made a mistake and that everyone makes them. You are still young from what i guestimate (16-18?). There will be many more girls and many of them will be as meaningless as this one will seem once you move on.
But seriously, don't send her anything. Just show that you have moved on, by actually moving on. Stop caring for what she thinks, you don't owe her anything.
If you need friends just go out and make some. It's not rocket science. Either you get a hobby like a sport that forces you into contact or you go out and drink yourself into a stupor every weekend till you meet interesting people.
|
On January 22 2012 23:44 Azera wrote:Show nested quote +On January 22 2012 23:42 Zaros wrote:
I will use the ultimate cliche "just be yourself" and people will at least respect you. Being myself probably repels most people. I'am a very candid, straightforward, and no nonsense person. Just like how my dad wants me to be.
Seems respectful to me.
|
Too late 
|
On January 22 2012 23:49 Zaros wrote:Show nested quote +On January 22 2012 23:44 Azera wrote:On January 22 2012 23:42 Zaros wrote:
I will use the ultimate cliche "just be yourself" and people will at least respect you. Being myself probably repels most people. I'am a very candid, straightforward, and no nonsense person. Just like how my dad wants me to be. Seems respectful to me.
Not when my schoolmates here don't appreciate that sort of thing. They don't like to be told to pay attention in close and keep quiet because their ramblings are distracting me.
|
On January 22 2012 23:50 Azera wrote:Show nested quote +On January 22 2012 23:49 Zaros wrote:On January 22 2012 23:44 Azera wrote:On January 22 2012 23:42 Zaros wrote:
I will use the ultimate cliche "just be yourself" and people will at least respect you. Being myself probably repels most people. I'am a very candid, straightforward, and no nonsense person. Just like how my dad wants me to be. Seems respectful to me. Not when my schoolmates here don't appreciate that sort of thing. They don't like to be told to pay attention in close and keep quiet because their ramblings are distracting me.
There is a time and place for "honesty".
There is one thing that people all across the world can't stand. It's people that don't live their place in life.
If you are upper class, you can't walk around in rags. If you work at a McDonalds then you shouldn't go to work in a suit every day. If you are 30 years old you shouldn't be acting like a child.
And finally, if you are a kid, you shouldn't be trying to act like an adult.
Kids get enough authority shit from actual sources of authority. If a cop tells them they can't drink, they can't drink. If their parents tell them they have to be home by 20:00, they gotta be home by 20:00.
So what happens when someone with no real authority tries to act like an authority figure? Like a teacher that never follows through on his threats of sanctions or that smart-ass-know-it-all that wants to play moral compass for a class that just wants to be what they are, kids.
I can't say how much of this is you. This is just the vibe i am getting off some of your posts.
|
Well to be fair I'm a student councillor and it's my job to do shit like that. I can even give out detention if I want to, but I'm not that kind of guy.
|
konadora
Singapore66161 Posts
if you need someone to talk to then i can help
drop me a PM!
|
|
|
On January 23 2012 00:05 Azera wrote:
Well to be fair I'm a student councillor and it's my job to do shit like that. I can even give out detention if I want to, but I'm not that kind of guy.
I am not at all familiar with how education works in Singapore. For example, here in Holland there isn't anything like a student position that can give out detention. I think the idea of using students to monitor students almost begs to cultivate antagonistic feelings.
But back on track. I would figure that this student council thing isn't a one-man job? Don't you put in a lot of time with other students doing whatever it exactly is that one does on that function?
Making friends is only about two things:
1) Don't be on the extreme end of any spectrum.
2) Spend time with people.
Now easily 99% of the people arn't on an extreme end of any spectrum. I doubt you have hideous facial deformity or stink so ungodly that nobody wants to be in the same room for more then a minute.
If you just sign up for some things that force you to spend time with other people, then you can make friends.
The only "problem" with making friends is that society teaches us not to walk up to random strangers and make a conversation with them.
So you sign up for a sport which forces everyone to talk and spend time together, thus going around the social taboo of not connecting with strangers.
That's why we drink alcohol so that our social inhibitations are removed and we suddenly want to talk to strangers and have strangers talk to us.
You won't be able to befriend everyone you meet. But you have to be open to this sort of stuff.
It's easy to sit in a corner and judge everyone away as "not friend material" just because they don't have identical hobbies as you. It's entirely possible to build up an aversion to the idea of making friends and just reason away and attempts at even trying.
This girl isn't your problem. You liked her, she didn't like you, end of story, move on. Don't make more out of it then it really is or you are gonna be stuck on such a trivial matter for years on end.
But saying that you are only happy when playing starcraft 2, that's a problem. You should get more hobbies, ideally a hobby that puts you in contact with other people. Actual in the flesh person to person contact.
Focus on what is important, forget the girl, you are making moles out of ant hills. Get more stuff to do, not just for the chance to make friends but to enrich your life.
|
First of all: I'm not going to be exactly polite. That's because I've been through the same bullshit (really everything including behaviour in grups) for over ten years before I finally cut the crap and worked on it seriously. It makes my heart ache when I see people in the same situation for I know it's a real suffering and a vicious circle if noone kicks you out of it literally.
Your major problem has to do with your ego. Let me quote the sections that sort of hit me in the face straight away:
I developed this nasty habit of lying to impress, I never thought that I was good enough.
Naturally, this guy took up almost ALL my attention, She was actually nice to me and wasn't condescending towards me. Maybe she wasn't all that nice though, but I can't relate to anybody ("friends") that has been as nice to me as she has.
[...]
Unfathomably, my response was to make shit up! I told her that I actually had a girlfriend from America and a slew of other bullshit. I don't even have any idea how I was able to lie so much. I mean, with the amount of shit coming out of my mouth, my ass was jealous of my mouth.
[...]
I remember that she invited me to her birthday party. That was the first party that I was ever invited to. I was 12 and that was the only party that I was invited to. I didn't go though, since it was pretty last minute and she was a girl.
So, starting secondary school (13), we still maintained some contact, but in my new school, my habit of lying to impress got me into such much SHIT. I apparently told my classmates that the girl was my girlfriend (please tell me I'm not the only one that does this stupid crap.) and my schoolmate from my primary school that was friends with the girl I liked overheard it. And lo and behold, she found out about the shit I was talking and cut off all communications from me.
my schoolmate (who spilled the beans on me) invited my friends from my new school to a party that I was not invited to of course, and guess who was there? The girl I liked. So the girl went on and talked about all the shit I made up earlier and blah blah blah, the shit hit the fan and bam I was rendered friendless overnight.
Forgive me if this question is too personal, but what on earth did your family do to send you out into the world with an ego that was already fucked up when you were just seven years old?! You were insecure and seeing yourself as "not good enough when you were just a kid, so what the fuck happened?
Take a look at the bold parts in your quote. They're telling you just the same story about five times:
1. You feel like your personality is too boring to keep other kids(!) as friends.
2. You decide to pimp it up by lying. First it works, and even when it doesn't you keep lying as a coverup and/or to
stabilise your fragile ego.
3. Your lies go *boom* like an atomic bomb and leave you and your relationship with other people scattered all over the
floor.
4. You have no friends and are depressed. You meet someone else and pimp your in your view always insufficient perso-
nality by telling lies...
So that's the big picture in general.
The problem at the core of it is: You don't like yourself.
If you had the choice, you'd rather be anyone else but you - so how could someone ever consider being friends with you? *What if they don't like me or laugh at me, talk about how boring I am or how funny my clothes look - omygawd, I have to stop them - "Hey guys I just met Will Smith on the underground! Yeah, no joke, he's a really cool guy..."*
That's part one. The other part is the girl-story. Even though you were only twelve at the time, I already see the tendency of you becoming a huge pussy and I don't like that - trust me, no woman on earth likes that.
The story is a bit more complicated than the simple friends-and-social-acceptance part, but on the surface you do the same: making shit up to raise your value. Only the context was different: She refused you first. Equals: She stomped on your ego. So your first reaction is: making her jealous to win her back. Impress her by telling lies.
Your second reaction is gently patting your crying ego by not going to the party. Meh, you refused me, so I won't come over just to show you how hurt I am and by the way, your just a girl... Boy. Seriously? If something like that ever happens to you again, I expect you to go there and fucking rock that party, understood? Have a good time and enjoy yourself, it will both impress girls more than lying and it will piss her off too - girls like the thought of being oh so bad and having friendzoned and heartbroken a guy who's into them, so if you have a good time nevertheless, her interest will undoubtedly rise.
Back to the issue. New school, new luck, old almost-GF... and back again to old habits, only your teenagers now and a teenager's primary goal is establishing a personality and a social status, no matter what it takes. That's what you tried by using your old pattern, and it blew up since the girl found out and established her social status - that being "cute girl followed by creeps and still confident" - on cost of your ego and social status. And so you're back to where you started...
/end part one. Advice will follow, but I need a short break here. I apologize again for not being too gentle - but the "you're a good boy-thing" won't help you here. BRB after a coffee.
|
Aotearoa39261 Posts
On January 22 2012 23:49 Azera wrote:Too late
It was the right move. It's important you treat that as a turning point like the first reply said
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
