EPTI have a disease
What do I mean by that ?
My disease is addiction.
Im addicted to addictions! fuck.
Ill never forget when I was a really young boy and there was this boy in my neighborhood, he had all kinds of videogames, super nintendo, mega drive, playstation, you name it he had it.
At the time I had a super nintendo with 1 game, so for me it was mindblowing, I felt like I was walking into a whole new world, open with possibilities of endless happiness, I was getting high on the videogames.
At first I wasant really friends with the boy so I would kind of camp his house until for some random reason I managed to get in (invited by his mom or some shit, damn that boy had more problems than me).
I felt that it was worth the trouble to humiliate my self in order to achieve the desired result, in other words, the end justified the means.
This behavior only grew more and more, when I moved to Rio de Janeiro, there was a Lan house boom going on, and since my computer sucked ass and I didnt knew praticly anyone in the city, I started spending almost all my time over there.
It got to the point where I would leave school with another set of clothes just so I could go straight to the lan.
After a couple years mindlessly pursuing lan's FT was out, and I felt some sense of purpose, I wanted to play hard go pro. lol
After lots of fun playing FT, and even a lan championship title, I realized my skills wouldnt take me really far.
CS was far from entertaining for me by now and I was actually making few friends over at the Lan I was a regular.
After a while we put together a Dungeons and Dragons group, and together with WOW which was released almost at the same time (and now I had a decent pc!) they became my new hobbies.
Wow was far from healthy I must say, altho the RPG's nothing but joy.
Wow started consuming all my time, I could say that I played that game so much, that I was completely burned out by the time the expansion came.
And then, in the midst of a golden age of RPG, WOW, I picked some nasty nasty habits.
People in my RPG group were no young kids, when I started in the group at 15 +- I was the youngest, and the oldest at 21.
People used to talk about all kinds of stuff in the post game, and eventually (and increasingly) drugs became the topic.
It all started because one of the members smoked cigs, eventually the DM started smoking too.
Then eventually, because everyone needs to be stupid once before you learn, I started asking for some cigs for the game, it seemed somewhat cool, and it was nice to have something to do while you wait for others to act.
Faster than you would imagine all our game table was smoking cigarretes, and compulsively, me leading the charge.
You see, I have always been a really really anxious guy, but I was poised to fix this until smoking came into play, the relief a cigarrete can offer is something only a smoker will know.
But he will also know how it is to have your nose aching, to have difficulty getting air, to having a ton of snot, etc..
But it was fairly ok, I hardly ever bought a pack of cigs, and mostly smoked when with my friends, I was really burning out on wow and life seemed filled with time which carried tons of potential.
I was around 18 by the time.
Then, weed happened, ill never forget the day, I was a BBQ at the place where we always play, and one of my friends (who allegedly was a pothead at the time) brough in some weed.
I had a simple choice (one I took before) of walking away.
Something In me wanted to see what it was about, something in me was curious, I didnt feel like I needed it at all, I felt like I wanted to try it out and know how it really was by my self. This something I believe, is the disease.
The same disease that made me delve into excesses all my life, in videogames, computers and eventually cigs and weed... Its not about what you are doing its about the relation you have with the objects of your desire, its about the relationship you have with the chemistry.
I have been smoking weed almost daily for the last 2 years, most days several joints a day. (Went 1 month clean but came back)
And now im here alone (Im living alone), dealing with some personal life messy afairs and that striking urge to lay all my problems of those herbs stings my soul.
Even tho Im completely out of weed here at my house, and I dont buy a pack of cigs in like 4 months, I still find it really really hard to see my self stopping at all.
Sometimes im wonder what im really doing, the only thing worth something that im accomplishing is that im breaking all my smoking habits.
I used to smoke when I woke up, after eating, then one before eating after that then one after then maybe another late nite one and who knows if the night is too long, or if I meet some friends, all the time.
It got to the point where I felt like I just traded one for the other.
Thats when I started taking a deeper look at this, and found out some interesting things.
Right now im enrolled in a recovery program, and they teach you that the problem is not the substance, any drug can become your next addiction, if you dont watch out, the real problem is us.
Theres some date suggesting that 14% of the world population has predisposition to addiction, what that means is, the only way for them never to get addicted, is to never try anything.
This addictive behavior extends much further than the drug sphere, but little we say about that.
After watching that video of the kid freaking out, I gotta say that I understand his frustration, as a kid, he never had any drugs, and Wow is a very powerfull psycological drug, its an escape from reality, and therefore it can be used as one easily, and you might not have seen something much different if the story was about some drug being thrown out.
Now im trying to change my habits, to break the pattern, to disrupt the cycle of smoking all day, so far its been working.
And I hope it does, because I have no hope of getting rid of any vice as long as im in a state where quitting will just lead to another one.
Its like momentum treatment, when you have destabilized your opponent you make the grand attack.
Meh, this write up was a nice way to kill the urge.
One day at a time
