EPTLets recap!
Date with Blondie:
1st was good (the hottub and smore's always get them)But i throw down the "ohh a hug" line and finds she has a Boyfriend
2nd I was late, and really never occurred (I was late, because of work) Blondie was not excited, in fact she declined to try and salvage the night. So another strike
3rd Kayaking everything went well, and i didn't make any massive screwups
4th Went in for the kill (kiss) and was shot down, really really had actually. I thought that at this point, me and Blondie were gg no re.
So FAIL to the third degree. That is what was running through my head the entire rest of the week. It was great! Really great! Once again, i somehow attract another member of the opposite sex that i would actually like to be with.
CC: NO DATE. Much sadness T.T
*Turn on testosterone mode*
Ok listen here! I am not the best looking, i will give you that. I do go the gym 5 times a week, but hey a good body and shitty face will only get you so far. I can GET GIRLS, i mean for christ sake- I asked a girl out once while i was defending a client in Teen Court, and got a yes! Talking with women isn't my problem. Hell dealing with worthless people isn't my problem! God! I get girls, alot of them- i have girls THROW THEMSELVES at me.
*End testosterone mode*
But I will let you in on a little secret, i don't like people. But first let me explain myself. I want to be a Dr. I'm in pre-med, i lifeguard, i am a CNA and all of that. The question that is coming to your minds right now is, Ben wtf- are you kidding me? Or are you going to be one of those scum bag doctors that only works for the reputation, and money?
My answer, in the shortest version i can give you is this:
Dr? For respect? YES. But money no. I hate money, i really hate money- because money does terrible things to people. You see gals/guys i do really care about each and one of your worthless souls. But here is the catch- I can NEVER let anyone know that deep deep down inside i am crying for you. And YES this is no manly crying. I care. I cry. I cry hard. When i look into your eyes, and find what hurts you most, and realize that there is no medicine to fix you, i cry. You may never see it, but it is there. I care about you, your kids, your family, that bum on the street. I hate the world, because of how terrible it is. I just realize that there is nothing i can do.
You know being a doctor, I'm just going to try and fix you. I can do that. I can't heal your wounds, I can't heal your soul, I can't heal your mind, but- I can try and fix your broken leg, or your fractured occipital ridges. But you know what? That isn't good enough, not even close. That is all i can fix. Mentally disabled persons? I CAN'T WORK WITH THEM do you know why? I can't take it. There is nothing i can do- nothing i can do to fix them. They sit trapped in their own minds, i can do nothing. People that are sad, trapped, starving, depressed, alone, lonely- I CAN't DO ANYTHING! NOTHING I CAN DO WILL FIX YOU! But what is worse, I am still forced to work with these people- but in a different light.
Ever been in a nursing home? Yes or no- it doesn't matter- just from the fact that these places exist, sickens me. I feed people, i clean them, i watch them. They are not people, people there are ornaments. I have to get everyone up, feed them, and by the time that is done? Nap time. DO i every have time to talk to them? NO there is NO time- NEVER any time. These people slowly waste away- yet no one notices, not even the other CNA's Am i the only sane person here? Their mind is blank- or even worse, they are trapped inside of their mind, crippled with worthless neurons that will do nothing for them, ever. You know it's sad when, out of all the residents i work with- only 1 wants to be resuscitated if that resident should go into cardiac arrest.
One.
Just one, the rest? Would prefer if the CNA's (Me) simply stand back, and watch them die.
Sad right?
I hate you! I hate you all! look at this world! It's worthless, scum filled shit! But you know what? I am going to try, try and do something, i have to- because do you know what? I am no better. *I care about you.* I am no better than you, i am no better than the people i hate, not one bit. In fact- I can almost guarantee you that, as far as being a degenerate- i come in first place. I need a medal or something!
I am a doctor because:
1. To atone for what i have done, and will continue to do, and what i will do.
2. To fix you
3. To hid behind my money, and to not have to worry about the rest of the world.
4. When you are injured, I will be standing over you, with a hypodermic needle, and scalpel- i will save you. You can trust me.
5. I promise this, I care for you. Deeper than you ever could understand. Even if i haven't met you- I care. I want to hear about your day, your life, and i want to try and help you.
Those 5 things, are the only things that are going to be keeping me through med school, and life.
Sick? Probably- but hey whatever right?
You know i kind of like this emo thing I have going on all of a sudden, Im going to go on for awhile, before getting back into the story. But never fear, this does tie in. I promise!
You know, being the nice guy- i tried that once, tried to show the world kindness, compassion, give friends, girls, everyone- nothing but kindness. I would try and give everyone the world. I walked around, naive- and clung to the belief that "humanity is good"
HA!
HAHAH!
Are you kidding me? after getting burned twice by my two closest groups of friends, i had enough. I put up the firewall. Yes the firewall. I became arrogant, a prick, the AlPHA if you know what I'm talking about. Do you know what's funny? I GET MORE GIRLS! (Worthless whores yes) But wtf! What is wrong with this world? I make friends more easily, i am invited to more parties, i become a social beast.
But it's all fake. Do you remember, when i told you a few paragraphs up- that i had girls throw themselves at me? Here is the scene- them in panties, and me looking at them with disgust, and walking away. Yes they were attractive, but you know- they are simple, worthless, narcissistic, vindictive, materialistic people that cannot see through me.
For some reason, If you are a girl, and i can see through you, i loose all interest. Even if you are standing before me naked, begging me to get on your bed. I have had it happen, and even though i get slapped, i don't care. So you are probably asking, lol BEN is religious/gay/virgin (yes in that respect)/scared
NO. NO for all of the above.
I'm not, haven't been to church in years. I am not religious, sex before marriage is no big deal- hell I have done everything but. PLENTY OF TIMES- BUT i have never met the one girl that i could never see through, the girl that would be so totally worth it.
You see, I love being able to "mind hack" people as corny as that sounds i love doing it. If i can see through you, and understand what makes you tick- and why you live, your the most boring person in the world to me. I can't stand to be around you. Even if you are a beautiful girl, that is standing naked before me.
What is funny though- Is that i have met two girls that can do what i have already told you.
They figured it out.
They new.
They put up with my arrogance, jackass(ness) and general dick temperament. They put up with it for awhile. You know whats funny? They tell me that they could see right through me from the beginning.
They new. They new that i cared, that i would never say anything to truly hurt you, or do anything devious behind your back. They new, and that is why they put up with me, until i felt comfortable enough to come out of the shell.
(Of course TL you are always near and dear to my heart, and considering the fact that none of you will ever meet me, or more probably after reading this, think i am a psycho and TRY not to meet me is more likely lol.
But the reason i am saying all this, is because blondie told me something a long long time ago. In September, she told me to give all of you degenerates another chance. Drop the act, the cowardly ways, and show you face to face that i care. So I'm trying this online first. Please let me know how i am doing. *And yes i am serious*)
I don't know why i do it- put up the Fire shield, but i have just grown so accustomed to it. Actually i can tell you, I'm a coward, i am just sick and tired of what people will do to one another, and will do and have done to me.
For some reason, these two girls got through it. Hell they never went through it, because they new all along. I NEVER meet people that can see through me, EVER. But them? They are different.
Blondie: I don't understand. She is the one that I have quoted as saying "Ben you care so much. I could tell the second i saw you staring at my butt."
She is good just because. I can't figure it out! No one is good! No one! Good just for goodness sake? NOT POSSIBLE! right? You see, I have to try and find this out for myself, i have to understand her- her wit, beauty- but mostly her goodness.
CC: I don't understand. She is kind of like me? Hell i don't know- All i know is that i have found my other half. Probably my better half- but really. She cares, alot. She just never shows it. She doesn't want to be weak, she doesn't want to be hurt, she cares. SHE CARES JUST BECAUSE! why? Well that is a question i am trying to find out! I love her because of her. I love her because of her wit, beauty- but mostly her goodness.
However as is typical with me, i find a way to have these two women walk into my life, and then just as quickly walk out.
So after the massive fail with Blondie- I had CC to look forward too.
Back at work once again, and it was cloudy- I was trying to think of ways to be continually intoxicated until school started- however being a lifeguard this is rather difficult. So, days went by
Day
Day
Day
And eventually i realize that i am wasting time. I have sitting before me, one of the two most beautiful girls on the planet. Long brown hair, and deep, dark, brown eyes. Just like the eyes, i can't see through her. Her wit, charm- were intoxicating. But there was nothing i could say to her. I don't deserve her. I defiantly don't.
But i tried anyway. I decided to ask her, the day before i left for college. CC? Would you like to go kayaking with me?
her answer? Sure! Sounds fun!
YESsSsSsSsSs!
I made a happy!
After closing at the pool- and having the next day for just me and CC, I was exited. To say the least!
So the day came.
Perfect sun, perfect weather, perfect everything. As i was placing the kayaks into the radio active shit water, that is loaded with PCBs and all of the yummy stuff- I saw her. My angel. In a sport braw, and running shorts- she had just come from practice. She had her silky hair in a pony tail (my favorite) and had a bit of sweat still clinging to her arms. It was so pretty, with the early morning sun crating little diamonds on her arms, eye brows, and legs. She was amazing- to me.
So my sparkling gorgeous rowing mate beside me, we pushed off.
It was good. We raced, and generally enjoyed going nuts. I can tell you that i really enjoyed watching her tan and sweaty body work. It was good. Really good.
The conversation was just as magical. We talked! FINALLY! way less awkward, when you are the only two people in earshot! The only interruptions were the seagulls and pelicans.
Afterward we went for coffee, and while CC was not as thrilled with picking people apart as i am, had a good time anyway.
So while we were walking back to our cars, i had one last idea up my sleeve. Invite her for dinner. Dinner i would make for her, at my place.
For some reason, she said yes. And somehow made my perfect day so much more so.
I rushed home, and began to go shopping for some good food.
I only had a few hours till she came, and i wanted to cook something good!!
