EPT
Need help with poetry
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rushz0rz
Canada5300 Posts
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Nytefish
United Kingdom4282 Posts
But it seems like you have no set rhyme or rythmn, it can't be that difficult to add an extra line. Any advice I give would involve reworking the entire thing though... :p | ||
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rushz0rz
Canada5300 Posts
On June 04 2008 17:03 Nytefish wrote: Grammar is usually pretty loose in poetry but I don't like the odd capitalisation at times. But it seems like you have no set rhyme or rythmn, it can't be that difficult to add an extra line. Any advice I give would involve reworking the entire thing though... :p well im open, i need to it to be good, i need a good mark... | ||
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Xeris
Iran17695 Posts
you should think about when you are writing a poem exactly what are you trying to say, and how to best achieve that message. | ||
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rushz0rz
Canada5300 Posts
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EmeraldSparks
United States1451 Posts
Ever read Dickinson? | ||
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Descent
1244 Posts
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rushz0rz
Canada5300 Posts
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HamerD
United Kingdom1922 Posts
Some basic things, watch out for cliche and present participles (like waving) | ||
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sigma_x
Australia285 Posts
"Sooner must you forget what you knew accept the fact that you're already dead" when you can say more briefly: "Sooner must you forget what you knew - for you are already dead." | ||
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LightRailCoyote
United States982 Posts
Also, is sooner a word? (I actually don't know this, but if you don't either then look that up. The first stanza needs heavy revision in my opinion, and "who's doin' this, who's killing us" is TOTALLY from Have You Passed Through This Night, by Explosions in the Sky. So that is awesome. Work on it and it'll be good | ||
thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
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drug_vict1m
844 Posts
On June 04 2008 18:57 sigma_x wrote: Ok. Poetry is precise and concise. It never waivers. Why, for example, do you say, "Sooner must you forget what you knew accept the fact that you're already dead" when you can say more briefly: "Sooner must you forget what you knew - for you are already dead." sound kinda archaic imo, but i agree that this style suits poetry much more. | ||
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fanatacist
10319 Posts
clap.............clap....clap.......clap.....clap | 5 Sooner must you forget what you knew ...clap.......clap........clap......clap...clap | 5 accept the fact that you're already dead clap........clap...clap...clap | 4 you will function as a Soldier clap......clap......clap.....clap....clap....clap....clap...clap | 8 Without mercy, Without compassion, Without remorse clap............clap.......clap..clap | 4 your Country depends on this Clap count: 5 5 4 8 4 As you can see it's pretty unbalanced. Also, in some instances the rhythm is off, which makes the claps ill-spaced (examples: ooon (clap) this (clap), youuu (clap) knew (clap). I think your best line in this sense is "you will function as a soldier." The claps are evenly spaced, which means your rhythm is right on. I guess a good way to practice this would be to make a few sentences with similar rhythm, even if they don't make sense, just so you get a good feel for it. Example: you will function as a Soldier "I'm the world's last destroyer My gun spits death without stop I will make men's bodies drop" That was a quick example so the fit isn't perfect, but they are all 4 claps and the claps are generally evenly spaced. Hopefully you understood some of this lol... EDIT: Also, don't ask people to add lines and shit to do your homework for you. Learn how to do it right and do it yourself, so you won't need people's help again later. | ||
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gwho
United States632 Posts
haha jk | ||
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mahnini
United States6862 Posts
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Caller
Poland8075 Posts
Soon forget all that you once knew accept that you're already dead Our combined will compels your head No mercy, compassion, nor time to rue your Country depends on this, they say Nazi banners waving all around, The Lie engulfs you, envelopes you Red hues of blood, flags or goo, Soul is consumed, never to be found Those eyes haunt you every day. Your comrade screams, cries out your name who's doin' this? who's killin us? You march on, old corpses that you bus, Shambling on and on, its all the same. And into the earth your body they lay. | ||
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rushz0rz
Canada5300 Posts
On June 04 2008 21:35 LightRailCoyote wrote: Your grammar is definitely somewhat hindering your writing here. You seem to be dead-set on putting in some semblance of sentence structure, which is totally cramping your style. Also, is sooner a word? (I actually don't know this, but if you don't either then look that up. The first stanza needs heavy revision in my opinion, and "who's doin' this, who's killing us" is TOTALLY from Have You Passed Through This Night, by Explosions in the Sky. So that is awesome. Work on it and it'll be good I actually got it from Thin Red Line. Didn't know that group also said that. | ||
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Xeris
Iran17695 Posts
On June 04 2008 17:18 EmeraldSparks wrote: Xeris Ever read Dickinson? lol are you kidding? Dickinson doesn't just randomly do shit, if you think that then you don't really know what you are reading. | ||
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