12:08 am.

Radiohead - Nude.

13 hour day of work. No lunch.

Funeral tomorrow.

It's been a while since i last posted on my blog. A while since my only post, i suppose. I've not been around because i can't seem to find the words to express what i want to exprress. i don't know what i want to express. I don't know if i have anything worth expresssing.

I'm changing.

I'm being drowned out by routine, comfort, luxury, and ease. And it's getting to me. I find myself becoming more and more numb to it all. I find myself becoming impatient with things i don't find stimulating - impatient in a subtle, numb, volitionless sense. But i'm not unempowered. I feel like i have more control over my life than i've ever had before. And in some ways i'm happier than i've ever been.... it's just that it's all too easy...

My life, up until recently, has never been an easy one. Many people in my life would probably debate this point, but in memory i have never felt at ease.

Since i was young i was dedicated to being the rebel. I wanted to figure it all out for myself. I wanted to do it my way. I wanted to do it because you said it couldn't be done. I loved to learn, but wanted to prove that homework was not relevant to that process. I thought school was for sheep that couldn't climb out of the box that tells you it's necessary to be happy. I wanted to hate my father, and thought it was important to succeed in such an endeavour. I succeeded. I was struggling with my sexuality, adamant that i not fit the stereotypes that goes along with it, as i needed to amount to more than just a label.

I always had a cause. And i always had someone against me. (parents, friends, teachers, society)

But now... it seems i've come around. While still lacking my highschool education, i feel that the pursuit of study is an incredibly convenient means to and end, and not urespectable at that. I have an amazing relationship with my father, as it occurred to me to explore his life from his side, instead of my own. I have a great job, with awesome co-workers, and set in an incredible environment. Sitting outside of stereotypes has lost it's glamour; i am simply me.

And don't get me wrong, i feel great about it all. My life has never been so rich.

But something is missing. It's just all to easy. Making good decisions is so much easier than making bad ones; every situation in the future is made easer by every good decision before it.

Again, i feel like i am lacking the words to express the entirety of my experience. I am not depressed. I am happy, laughing and smiling the majority of the time. It's just that it's all boring. It's not satisfying. Sorta like watching someone play Starcraft - completely stimulating and entertaining. But then i've won qualifications to be on Team Canada - immensely fulfilling.

Isn't this life the one that everyone says you should want? Money, Friends, Career, Health, Comfort, Luxury? And if you're not happy, you apparently don't have enough of one of the above?

I have my own thoughts about, and answers to, these questions. However, if such answers provided me comfort, i'd probably be sharing those instead of posing the questions themselves.

I want to find again that former me, the one that was near to weeping at the most random happenings. That every moment was fantastical and fundamentally moving because of the insights borne in it. My life was in a constant state of Emotional Flux. And now, i'm left with simple, steady, consistent, ease. Routine... i've always despised the Routine!

And now, a poem!

I wrote this a few months back when i was in a similar state of mind.

Photographer

Looking good!
From this view
Let me capture you,
Capture you from here

I wonder... what do you see?
Maybe my lens, surely my promise,
loving my vision
I wonder... do you see me?

Hark! Where's that frown coming from?
That doubt... Etched on the brow
Is something missing?
Wait! Don't eclipse it with Grandiose Ideas

That's sure a nice picture
I'll make sure to show the world
Don't worry about the money
It was my pleasure

Did you say something?
Oh... have i ever been in the picture?
Haha, of course not.
I'm the Photographer

Mora

Canada5235 Posts

November 06 2007 09:11 GMT

edit - omg, how long has the edit feature been available to blog posts! woot!

zulu_nation8

China26351 Posts

November 06 2007 13:33 GMT

nude is a good song, one of my favorite radiohead songs of all time

KrAzYfoOL

Australia3037 Posts

November 06 2007 14:38 GMT

;(!

Chill

Calgary26003 Posts

November 06 2007 15:34 GMT

Good to hear from you. I can't really understand what you're getting at (at all really

) but hope you figure it out

MTF

United States1739 Posts

November 06 2007 15:52 GMT

Being happy and being sated are very different things in my experience. Once the routine takes over any certain portion of your life, it begins to become dull; even the happiest of experiences begin to make your life feel hollow, simply because there is no change, and an unchanging entity becomes static to the point of numbness. It's like comparing the couch potato who sits at home in front of TV all day against the adventurer who explores new places constantly; they may both be happy, but one is receiving no real new life experience, and thus is more likely to feel a gap in their existence purely because life has become more about motions than experience.

The only suggestion I can (rightfully) make is to change your life in little ways without breaking the new mold you've set about yourself completely; go to a random new place without any specific appeal needed, start a conversation about something out of left field with a stranger, invite your friends to do the same with you. Any number of small things can be done to bring little changes, and though it's probably not going to be enough to sate (I get the feeling that you'd be more primally sated to be always on a new adventure into a different avenue of life), change, even the bad kind, feels good when life becomes too monotonous.

O, and if you find a change that is absolutely incredible, and it is experience you can indulge in frequently, I'd suggest you not if it isn't a specific person. Every experience loses luster after it's repeated over and over and over again, so it'd be a good idea to make the wonderful rare so that it stays that way.

I wish you good luck and happiness with whatever you choose, be it a huge risk (not more responsible, but probably more appealing), little change, or none at all.

FuDDx

United States5015 Posts

November 06 2007 16:30 GMT

Youve found your mount olympus and were left wanting?In a sense thatwhat im picking up from you.Maybe, and a big maybe, you need someone to share and challenge you in your live? Im very happy your doing well in the physical world.At least having those "ducks in a row" will enable you to prusue other avuneues not yet to be explored.Maybe a change in some of your routine can/will help.

On another note there are many great canadian magicians try joining a magic club or at the least hang out at a magic shop.Nothing stays the same there belive me.^_^.also you coul dplay team fortress 2 with me or some brood war.^_^

I hope i havent annoyed you i just felt the need to write some stuff as a comment to your blog post.Not to sound silly but i think its safe to say even though alot of us never meet you we would still be there if you need help in any small/big ways that we or I are able to help with.
^_^<3 Mora <3 ^_^/")

a poem by me

A stone overturned
A bridge crossed
Bitter sweet thoughts
Now lost,
What is it,
That we seek?
A peacful place
A pretty face
Life with meaning
Though it's all a race!
Striving for that perfect...
Place,
Of mind
Peace,
For a time
Troubles come seemingly for ever,
Where'd they go?
I'm having fun
Agian.
A stone overturned
A bridge crossed
Bitter sweet thoughts
Now lost.........

SuperJongMan

Jamaica11586 Posts

November 06 2007 18:54 GMT

We aren't kids no more. ~_~

A3iL3r0n

United States2196 Posts

November 06 2007 20:06 GMT

I feel like I'm nearing the same place in my own life, so your blog couldn't have been better timed. Looking back on my decisions in the past, it would seem like I was purposely torpedoing myself because I did not want stability. I was afraid of doing the same thing everyday. I did not feel creative unless I was in turmoil, and being creatively dry is what I hated the most. Now, I realize that I can do even more than I could before because I have more resources. It's scary because the routine threatens to take over, but that's the cattle prod life is hitting you with to drive you to do more so you can stay fresh. I'm hypothesizing that in the end you'll be even more dynamic.