EPT
Hmmm, I'm already taking forever to pick a piece I'd like you to hear. I guess I should go with some piano. Actually, let's go with this:
Some 80s Electro. You can find the full album here. I'm sure you 30something 90s kids can appreciate it if you give it a chance. Listening to that album reminds of those futuristic movies and games like Simcity 2000 for example. You know back when life was so care free?
I've been under quite a lot of stress lately. This is like the 50th day this month my thoughts and mood are keeping me from sleeping. After 30+ years I have finally managed to land a job that gives me some financial stability. By chance, by investment (time and eagerness) most signs are pointing towards a brighter light. There is still some uncertainty in whether my job is for the long run, however I have a good feeling the business can be fruitful for at least another 5 years. Because of my chronic depression, dysthymia many things seem out of reach, simply unattainable almost. There are quite some things I still need to finalize in order to make those 5 years a reality. I've planted the seed, the roots are growing, also the roots are still a bit fragile. Basically I'm running an online business set up by a dear friend over a year ago. I just passed the year mark working in this business and soon it will be under my name. Super scary, but also very exciting. What is this business you're wondering? It's in graphic design and customer support. That is as much as I'm willing to disclose at this time. It's not important for the purpose of this blog.
In my last blog, almost 5 years ago, I kind of touched upon the question what is it I really want achieve in life, before I die.
"I still see death as a great solution for my chronic depression, but that is not by which I want to be remembered. Gotta keep on fighting. Perhaps reaching my life goals are going to cure me, else I wanna die forever trying."
-2017 me
Those feelings are still the same. To be honest I feel like I have not made a whole lot of progress. I feel like life always gets in the way, as soon as you can take a breather some unexpected event or thing shows up crying for attention. That is JUST how it is. Or is solely my depression to blame? What I'm getting at here is that whether it is an expected or unexpected thing it can quite easily become a road block, especially if it's multiple things. *Hello stress, hi anxiety!* I get mental block. I get such hard mental block I cannot overcome it until it is almost too late or either too late.
What is this "mental block" you're talking about? Imagine something simple like making a phone call, but before you can even make that phone call you first need to get X and Y done. Together X & Y maybe take a 2 hour job at most, but that's already 2 prerequisites that also both require more than a 1 step approach. It's like a nuisance. You simply do not want to do it. That feeling of not wanting to do it, is so large, you feel immensely fatigued and mentally exhausted. You just can't do it. Only when the stars align. When the feeling is just right, then it's possible. Then it's easy even. However there is no time to wait for that moment to come. You gotta take care of that shit before the next unexpected thing, PROBLEM, presents itself. Stress starts building up. I think almost anyone can picture that in some shape or form.
What I do not understand is that this mental block even happens with things I REALLY want to do. It makes me fear my future. What do I do after 5 years of financial stability, when the tree I planted dies. I don't want to think about it, but I should prepare for it. I know it's inevitable and I cannot go back to the huge stress of not having financial stability. I need to solve my mental block or I will forever be doomed. I'm fucking sick of failure and inability. Sometimes stress needs to build up so so far, it almost kills me before I can get my ass to overcome my mental block.
Did you enjoy that 80s piece? Maybe not. Perhaps this fits you better. I like to listen to it when I feel bad. It lets me process some of my bad feelings:
I'm thinking of getting psychological help (again), therapy, but now is not a good time. There are too many things that require my attention. When that is over, I know I don't want to go in any sort of therapy either, because I want to enjoy every moment - however small - of being relieved of stress. The best time to take action on something like this is always yesterday. It's like that saying: The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is now. Ha... Tree... Ha... 20 years ago... I have been battling depression even then.
Anyway. If you've made it this far. Thank you. I was wondering how any of you that faced mental block in their lives more than once deal with it. How do you overcome it? I cannot get a diploma, I cannot get or hold a regular job (without literally becoming suicidal) and I cannot train to compete in BSL (lmao). Depression, inability, anxiety, but mainly mental block rules my life. My motivation to become a TL staff many, many moons ago was not only to give back to the community, but also for the prosperity to maybe land a job at TL HQ in a future time, or at least increase my chances to if anything. That's so damn pathetic. Well maybe it is not? I felt very strongly back then that only passion and team work was going to save my ass from myself.
I think I have learned to accept my defects by now, but I still feel so incredibly limited. You first need to accept that you have a problem before you can work on it. Ironically I often feel like I know the solution to any psychological problem or at least have a very good idea on how to tackle it. But here I am. Not able to sleep when I should be, for my own interest.
I would really appreciate some feedback. Even if it's only that you like or dislike the music.
I would like to learn. I would like some perspective. I need to improve.
Btw, for anyone reading that is in a deep depression. Please speak up. Feel free to PM me even. Life is worth it. Really.
