Couple of months ago I had a dream. There was a girl, looking at me smiling and calling my name. From the way she looked at me and called my name it was apparent that she liked me. At the exact moment that I had thought, "hey, this girl likes me", a red glowing hot iron size of my hand was pressed against my chest. I woke up as I jumped out of the bed and my chest was still in pain. It was so realistic for a few minutes that I took off my shirt and checked my chest.
I think that dream shows what state my subconscious is really in. During the day I pass the time at work, joke around with friends etc so I don't feel depressed all the time but, whenever I'm alone at home, or whenever I see a couple and girl looks at the boy with bright eyes, I picture myself in place of that man, and I feel that its just impossible. Like a man without legs watching a sports game and imagining himself as one of the players, but even that has a probability of happening since people without legs can run, play soccer etc. but I can't be in the shoes of that man. I feel like he has something, every guy with a girlfriend or had a girlfriend has a something that I lack.
No person that I know, female or male, says I'm too unattractive physically. On one time a very cute and intelligent girl said I'm more handsome then her boyfriend, she wasn't being polite, she even warned me before she saw my photos that she is too blunt and honest and if I was ok with that (I asked her how I was physically).
I was very shy until a couple years ago. I still find it difficult to be social among people that I don't know enough but I can fight through shyness and act as if I'm not when I need to.
Couple months ago I met a girl, went on a date. I was thinking that she saw me as a friend until the end of the date (she used to work at the same place with my father, met her when I visited him some day). At the end of the evening, I told her that I liked her, and she said she doesn't know me at all and before she calls me her "boyfriend" she wanted to know me a little, since she doesn't like short lived relationships. I was officially accepted as a boyfriend "candidate" (I know it sounds weird). I wasn't happy, I wasn't excited. I just thought, how is this possible? How can a girl see me as a partner?
Then I thought, ah ok, she doesn't call me her boyfriend, she will decide not to after a couple dates. Then it happened. On second date we had a big fight, or rather, she was yelling at me for an hour for reasons I don't completely get. She said that I don't act like a grown man (I'm 29), but act like a child and she feels like as if she were "protecting" me instead of me protecting her when we are together.
I thought we won't ever talk after that date and it was all over, but somehow I managed to turn it around, we were texting and I got fed up, got angry, and defended myself, said she was wrong yelling at me etc. Somehow she liked it, and we started to date again. I learned that being polite and understanding is not good all the time, but defending myself and drawing my lines were necessary. It was a good lesson.
For a while it was good, I saw her a couple of times, texted each other a lot. But I always felt that she had the superior hand, like she could dump me at any moment at my simplest mistake, but I couldn't let her go, I wasn't as polite and passive but that superiority never changed.
Than I went to another city for work, we would text, see each other on holidays, and she thought of finding a job where I live. Two weeks ago she suddenly blocked me on wp for reasons I don't really understand but have some guesses, and we never talked since. I didn't try to reach her because I know she wouldn't like it, she used to say that I had low self confidence, that I am intelligent, have a good job etc but I acted as if like I didn't have any qualities. She said that I don't have "ego"
At my new workplace I met with two girls. One of them came up to me and said we are from the same school, talked for a few days, then suddenly lost all social interest for reasons I didn't really understand. I am guessing she thought me as a friend, then felt that I may develop a romantic interest, then decided it's best to keep distance. Second girl is extremely cute, but I just today noticed that she had a ring on (has a fiancee). She either wasn't wearing it before, or I didn't notice. It's ok though, now I don't have to stress myself to talk to them.
Long story short, I was extremely shy until a few years ago, so I wasn't good with girls at all. Now I can fight through shyness, but every girl that I come across (they are not high in quantity ) is either unavailable, have weird psychological issues and dont want a relationship, or just plain doesn't like me. I talk to them, try to know them, but deep down, I strongly believe that a girl can't and won't like me in a way that I like her. Negative experiences like I talked about only works to reinforce that feeling. I don't even feel too sad anymore, I just feel like a person without legs and no access to prosthetics, it just feels weird and inappropriate when I dream to run.