EPTI am also sorry for the racist jokes in this. I wrote this in 2015, before everything got all politically correct.
There isn't much context I can give for this. I generally write in a "ironic bad fanfic" style for the giggles, and oh boy, did I ever giggle a lot reading this again after so long. I forgot most of what I wrote, so it was almost like reading someone else's work. Fortunately, I save lots of stuff, so I can have this same experience reading older stuff that I've written. It's kinda fun.
As far as completely scrapped blogs go, I've only written a few where I've gotten really far in and then decided "Wow, this is crap". I figure if it's not fun to write, it's not going to be fun for someone else to read. A style of writing that some people seem to enjoy is the over-the-top angry-style, where the writer just goes completely ham on whichever subject they're tackling. I've done a lot of that in the past, and sometimes, people are genuinely confused about whether or not I'm actually angry. The answer is no. But there were a few blogs I wrote like that which I read back to myself and was like "This just seems spiteful." To be honest, the thing I was writing about was something I actually kind of enjoyed, but I was really ripping into it in a way that was not funny at all. So I tossed it. Another one I tossed out was an angry movie review, and the reason was the same.
I didn't finish this blog, and don't really intend to, but I like it for whatever reason, and so that's why I want to share this. So, without further ado, here it is. Please enjoy.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/xPTBwLk.jpg)
"Jim Raynor doesn't care about Zerg people." ~ Zergye West
On August 04 2015 06:02 [UoN]Sentinel wrote: + Show Spoiler +
G-string
G-string
Trigger warning: If you have internet PTSD, you probably shouldn't read this because you'll get flashbacks and start tearing the paint off your walls while foaming at the mouth and pooping your pants, and have to be subdued after being tasered like twelve times by the pigs. This story contains everything offensive that you can think of.
Once upon a time, in a faraway mythological land called Sweden, Naniwa, Maddelisk and Noomi Rapace were sitting around talking about IKEA and feminism when they were rudely interrupted by a flying giraffe which swooped down from the heavens majestically. It landed gracefully as a rainbow appeared overhead. It looked Naniwa directly in the eyes, and they stared at each other for five minutes until the giraffe spoke in a booming voice and said "Wanna buy some steaks?" and Naniwa was like
"NO."
6 Weeks Earlier...
Lou was sitting on his porch with a laptop. The porch was made of pure wood; only the most purest wood ever harvested from any tree. Lou had no porch furniture, so he sat on the ground, cross-legged, with his laptop on the ground. The laptop was a ASUS Light Blue 13.3" C300MA-DH01-LB Chromebook PC with Intel Bay Trail-M N2830 Dual-Core Processor, 2GB Memory, 16GB eMMC and Chrome OS. He logged onto his second-favorite website, Teamliquid.net (his favorite website was pornhub) to discuss strategy. He logged into his ID, which was
BibleThumpUser360. He was appalled to find out that Warpgates were nerfed and had only 10 xp. Thinking quickly, he felt as though he should go for the most emotional response possible. "Wow," he wrote hastily, "Blizzard just killed the game. Fuck Zerg and Terran. Fuck this dead game. Fuck Heroes Of The Swarm, because Blizzard is obviously trying to kill this game so people will go over to HotS. Also, fuck Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović. No president of any country should be that hot."The user was banned for that post. The tyrants ruling over Teamliquid found Bible's post to be in poor taste, so like the fascists they were, told him to take 2 days away to "think before posting". It was a literal manifestation of 1984. The George Orwell book. Not the actual year. Because that already passed.
No longer able to access his god-given rights to post on Teamliquid.net, Lou retreated deep into his basement, which was dark, and had an organ for him to play while he hid from humanity. Those 2 days passed like the wind. Very slow wind. Like, just regular air. He knew, though, that one day, he would be free again, and then his vengeance would be unleashed upon the world. A day of reckoning was coming, and all those who stood in his way would be typed to angrily.
Meanwhile, back in Russia,
Svetlana and Ivana were getting ready to go out. They were also lesbians. Svetlana had naturally black hair, which was really black, and had it feathered and the tips dyed light blue and she wore pink lipstick and her eyes were light grey, like almost white, and she wore a black t-shirt with red letters that said "Anarchy" to show that she was hardcore. She wore regular tight jeans with no belt, and ruby red slippers like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz (1939). She had a tattoo of a hand on her hand. Ivana, conversely, had a tattoo of her own face on her own forehead. She had bleach blonde hair which was completely all-natural, but was feathered with black tips. Her lipgloss was orange and she always wore stunner shades to cover her purple eyes. She had on a red t-shirt that said "I'm a b**ch" in green letters to show how much of a hardcore bitch she was. She also had leopard spot tattoos on her left arm. Her shoes were pink converses, but not because she was trying to be girly. It was done purely to be ironical.
First, they took a selfie together and posted it on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and got tons of comments from both men and women and other genders telling them how beautiful and sexy they were. Next, they were out to a club that played only breakcore music like this + Show Spoiler +
Later, Ivana decided to post to her blog using her all-pink custom HP Z840 Workstation covered in little rhinestones, with specs that you can view here. Her blog read: "Today, Svetland and I (who are lesbians) went out to a very exclusive club that nobody can get into and we got soooooooo drunk and took a lot of pics." and then posted 84 pictures of herself and Svetlana at the club. She also rode in a limo that evening while drinking really hard alcohol. The blog immediately got lots of upvotes and comments, but there was one nasty troll who always made new accounts, and his latest one was called "SvetlanaIsUgly69" and he posted "Hey. Hey Svetlana. Hey. You're ugly. Also, 69." Like, he just said '69', like that number was a whole sentence, and all of this drama made her cry a single tear. She reached for her razor so she could cut herself, but then she remembered what Mila Kunis told her: "Don't cut yourself!!!" and she decided it wasn't worth it, and flushed the razor down the toilet, even though she knew that if she cut herself and posted it on her blog, tons of people would give her attention and tell her nice things about herself and would be concerned for her. When she realized she had given up a golden opportunity to get internet sympathy, she tried to dive down the hole in the toilet, but couldn't fit her head into it.
She came up with a solution to the dilemma: she would go to the fridge and get some ketchup and pour the ketchup on her arm, and hopefully, people would think it was real. She carefully squeezed the ketchup onto her forearm, then took a photograph of it. Then she posted it and waited patiently for the first upvote. If people didn't buy it, she reasoned that she could always pretend her account got 'hacked' by 'trolls', then delete it. She had never f5'd so hard in her life. Then, it happened. She got -1'd. A downvote. A fissure began making its way across the middle of her heart in the middle from the top down. The first comment appeared. "Faking hurting yourself? That's fucked up." said MyDickIsTheHubbleTelescope. So there was no other recourse - the blog had to go down and she had to blame it on hacker trolls, but she forgot how to delete blog entries, so she decided she would call her tech support friend on skype, but he lived in Romania, and it was dark, so he had already transformed into a vampire, and was unable to come to the phone. So she immediately wrote a new blog entry, entitled "I got hacked", and it read: "Sorry guys about that last post. my account got hacked by trolls and they posted that. i forgot how to delete my posts so just disregard it." and there was also a selfie of herself making a heart sign with her hands while wearing a blindfold (for artistic reasons).
Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin was in the Kremlin shirtless, sitting on a throne made of lies. On each side, there was a real Russian bear, and occasionally, he would throw them a salmon for food, or in some cases, a political prisoner. Putin's Financial Adviser, Sergey Mavrodi burst into the room and said "Comrade Putin! I have news concerning Russia's most beautiful woman."
Putin looked bored, as usual, and said "Lukyanova? Da, I send KGB so she get shot by unknown gunman."
"Nyet, Comrade Putin. It is Svetlana - she making blog of faked suicide."
"I kill everyone involved." and Putin pulled out a revolver as his bears roared mightily. He loaded a single golden bullet into the chamber and said "In old Sovjet Union, we use tank." but just then, he was struck by lightning (and bitten by a cobra). Putin climbed Mount Olympus and Ceiling Cat appeared to him and said "o hai der" then wrote the ten commandments by carving them into Putin's chest, and when Putin came down, he had a life-changing experience and decided to change his mind. He then ordered Svetlana to be placed into a witness protection program.
The KGB kicked down Svetlana's door and threw her into a black van, which had black tires and black rims and black everything so it was the darkest, blackest black ever. If an African stood in front of this van, you would only see his eyes. Svetlana didn't cry or ask where she was being taken, because she figured that they were just crazed fans. But they weren't. They took off the bag over her head in an interrogation-type of room from the movies. You know what they look like so I shouldn't even have to explain it to you. Then Putin was sitting there across from Svetlana and he said "Listen, babushka. You make fuck up on web. Now you start new life."
Then Svetlana underwent plastic surgery where her face was removed and replaced with a Korean gurl face like IU or something, and then the agency said "You are about to go on a mission. The most important mission you have undertaken. Are you ready?"
"Yes." Svetlana replied.
"Your name is no longer Svetlana. It now is 'Park Hee Young'. We got the name by googling 'Korean name generator' and typing in 'Dora The Explorer' into the thing."
"Okay, that seems reasonable."
"We're about to send you on a journey through time and space. To undo that which has been done, you must stop it before it ever comes to pass. To do this, you must do something that has never been done in all of history: become the first female progam0r to win it all. Get the gold. Only then will you get the attention of your past self and your past self will fall in love with you, and once you are able to get yourself to fall in love with you, tell yourself not to post the ketchup blog. It's the only way to stop The Peashooter, who is the most notorious terrorist mastermind that has ever lived."
"This is very convoluted, but sure."
So they sent her back to the year 2010. BOOM.
2010 A.D.
Lou opened his birthday present. It was a copy of the newest Blizzard RTS, StarCraft 2!!! OMFG!!! Was this really happening? He could not believe it. He just literally could not come to terms with it. He got so excited that he had to be hospitalized and kept under intense observation for 72 hours to make sure he wouldn't die of excitement.
Then he installed the game, which was not his, but still belonged to Blizzard Inc., but he bought the right to play their game. He decided to name himself something cool, but couldn't think of anything, so he went with "OnePieceFan", because, you know, he watched a lot of One Piece; never read the manga. Also, he watched the ENGLISH DUB. UGH, HOW LAME IS THAT? All I can say is: what a loser. I bet no true anime fan would ever want to talk to him.
But it was SC2 so who cares.
Then, he played his very first match against the computer and won. Then, he played against the Very Hard computer and won. So he decided to test his skills against another human being. The game was a TvP on metapolis. He said "gg", feeling boss. His opponent said "gg" right back. All right. He was speakin' the lingo of the pros. So, he started off deciding to do some 3 rax 1 fact thing that he just kind of made up on the fly. Of course, the Protoss was in the 2:20 o'clock position, and he was in the 11:45, and the Protoss walled off really well, so Lou's SCV couldn't get in to scout, so he built his comsat station thing and scanned the Protoss base and was like "?", and then 12 voidrays just flew over and killed him.
Lou typed "Well, that was kind of lucky that I didn't build air defense and that you rushed for air."
The Protoss replied "LOL EASY NOOB U SUCK I HOPE U GET CANCER LOL DIE U RETARD. BEG FOR MORE MONEY SICK BOY. GO BACK 2 PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS YOU PROLIFIC DICKSMOKER."
This made Lou rage really hard. It was lunch time, so he angrily went downstairs to angrily make a turkey sandwich. With pure rage, he got some bread and placed it on a plate with pure rageful ire. He decided, in a moment of blind rage, to put provolone cheese, mustard, lettuce and a slice of tomato on the sandwich. Then, temper flaring, he ate it and digested it in his guts. He was so mad that a complete and utter stranger would say such horrible, disgusting, awful things for NO REASON. So Lou decided to look up "How to win at StarCraft" and there were a bunch of things on Google about how to win at StarCraft 1, which had terrible graphics. Lou liked SC2's color scheme, where everything had dull hues that kind of blended together in a dark environment to create this oddly dreary and unappealing melting pot of color where nothing really stood out except for Protoss laz0rs.
That's how Lou found Teamliquid.net. He registered as dogluver1994, but later changed his name to BibleThumpUser360. He posted in the SC2 Strategy Section and asked how to beat baneling busts and stuff, and when people gave him advise, he just explained why everything they said was wrong and wouldn't w0rk. In reality, he had like 50 apm, and sucked at the game. But he thought he was really good. So in the TL blog section he wrote a blog called
I'm Going To Become A Progamer
Here's what it said:
On February 30 2010 07:05 BibleThumpUser360 wrote:
hi guys my name is lou and ive been playing sc2 for about a few mouths[sic] now and i intend to go pro.
let me tell u a little about myself. i am 16 years old and have a girl that im going to ask out shortly. her beauty is unrivaled in the tristate area. i have only 1 hobby: sc2. it is the best game ever made. blizzard is truly a genuis for makin this game.
i plan to drop out of school and not get a job. im going all in lol (sc2 joke)
i dont intend to attend college becuz im going to focus my energy on sc2.
ive already quit watchin porn because it takes time out of my day for practice sessions. if anyone is good for practice and down for it ill practice with u as many games as u want because im gonna be on all day.
i smoke a lot of weed and my style of play is very creative and i use lot of micro-intensive early game strats n win early. i have this way of playing called pressure prottos were i just put a ton of pressure on my opponant and there is just so much pressure that they break under the pressure when i pressure them.
wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hi guys my name is lou and ive been playing sc2 for about a few mouths[sic] now and i intend to go pro.
let me tell u a little about myself. i am 16 years old and have a girl that im going to ask out shortly. her beauty is unrivaled in the tristate area. i have only 1 hobby: sc2. it is the best game ever made. blizzard is truly a genuis for makin this game.
i plan to drop out of school and not get a job. im going all in lol (sc2 joke)
i dont intend to attend college becuz im going to focus my energy on sc2.
ive already quit watchin porn because it takes time out of my day for practice sessions. if anyone is good for practice and down for it ill practice with u as many games as u want because im gonna be on all day.
i smoke a lot of weed and my style of play is very creative and i use lot of micro-intensive early game strats n win early. i have this way of playing called pressure prottos were i just put a ton of pressure on my opponant and there is just so much pressure that they break under the pressure when i pressure them.
wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/Fsvbf8C.png)
