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Over the past year and a half I haven't really had the chance to express what has been going on in my life. I don't open up very much nor do I share anything that eats me up. For the few that find the time to read this I apologize ahead of time.
Over the past 3 weeks I have had serious doubts of my abilities as a person. Constant reminders of what a terrible person I am every time I come short of a goal I have set for myself, long term and short term. I have been fighting these thoughts of self doubt for a long time and as I continue to fight them I find that I keep losing these battles.Reminders of how I failed at school, in being a brother, becoming a man, and at what is important in my life. They swarm me like a thousand japanese hornet stings until I'm so blinded that suicide continues to look like an option. I don’t know if my laziness to follow through with the act or the will power of constantly fighting the thoughts helps me to realize that death is too simple a solution for the consequences of my life. I live in constant despair and loneliness but can’t comprehend why I can’t make a meaningful relationship with anyone despite the fact I always try to choose the right thing. Nice guys finish last is an understatement to how I feel my life has turned out. The lies I have spread to protect my family from my constant barrage of self defeating thoughts, in order to keep their affairs going. The fake mask I place every day and the facade I show to always take a higher ground has left me far below feeling like a human being, but more like a doormat. Always greeting people in, but allowing everyone to rub their issues and problems on my shoulders to absorb until a blustery windy day finallys carries me away. I don’t know how I can continue to speak highly of people who treat me like like I don't even exist, or that I never truly mattered. Hope is a very small light that continues to fade day by day. I don’t know how to continue fighting if there isn’t any light to shine on the problems I face day in and out. I worry that I may continue to swing and hurt those I love, even if it feels they don’t love me at all. Or worst of all the ones I love were the demons I’ve been facing the whole time. I miss the inspiration I used to have. I miss when the hope of just being a decent good person was enough to keep me going. A hollow shell of my former self takes the wheel and continues to drive on autopilot until I can finally overcome the thoughts of suicide, depression, anxiety and loneliness. I only hope that one day I will be able to take control again before I crash.
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"I'm doing fine."
THOSE WERE YOUR EXACT WORDS TO ME.
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Its the shift from a smile as a child to the frown of an old man. Dreams die and you wise up to learn life isn't fair. I too wear a false mask to hide what I feel inside. Although your issues are different than mine depression still is the same. I noticed you didn't call me after the funeral but I understand, all I ask is for you to open up and communicate a bit more man. I love you as brother and I'm going to give you a call later tonight.
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Damn. Bummed to hear you're feeling this bad.
Knowing what I do about you, one thing you're certainly not is a bad person. I've only ever known you to be polite, friendly, considerate, and helpful. I think you're the type of person that legitimately cares about the well being of those around you. In no world is that a bad person, and the world has far, far too few of those kind of people.
Even the way you talk is indicative of this:
The lies I have spread to protect my family
You're a genuinely good person, and you should absolutely, unequivocally be immensely proud of this.
I'm sure you've made mistakes in many areas of your life, and I'm sure some of those mistakes have hurt those you care about. It's easy to be overwhelmed by those, but it's something all of us do. World only knows I've made some pretty significant ones; throwing away huge opportunities afforded me by my parents, making useless on their putting me through school the first time because I was a lazy shack of shit in all areas of my life besides the things I enjoyed, saying hurtful things out of my own frustration, etc. If I focused on the mistakes of made, the way I've squandered opportunities I never deserved only because I was lucky enough to be born to amazing parents, I'd quickly drown away in despair. I feel terrible about many of these choices each and every day, but I cannot change the past. I can only try and learn from my mistakes and be a better man each day going forward. Not only is that what I want for myself, I also know it's the main, perhaps the only, thing my parents and those who care about me want to see. So I set my eyes forward and try to keep moving.
Truly wishing the best, and if you do want to talk, I'm always happy to man!
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what specifically is hindering you?
what things are personally interfering with your life?
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Faust is a twitter star. but i know his secret he wears spiderman mask.
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Yo man, we should talk some time. I got mad love for you dude, and have dealt with a lot of similar things. I know a lot of the platitudes that I could say right now probably wouldn't help much, but you have a lot of people who love and appreciate you and I hope you make use of us whenever you feel like opening up and sharing the load. You know Shawn and I got your back forever and always man.
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Cheer up Turtle, Msg me sometime I'd like to talk to you, i've been through some of these same thoughts and feelings, you are in control though bro....Hit me up.
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You're NOT a nice person. I can tell because you treat yourself like shit. Nice people start by being nice to themselves. It's easy to accommodate people at the expense of your own accommodation, but now you've given away your own accommodation creating a problem where people now have to accommodate you.
You're like a 2v2 player that starts off by building turrets in his allies' base. It would be nicer if you played a fundamentally sound game, you asshole. Build your economy, build your army, then maybe build turrets when your economy can accommodate them.
In other words, you're not doing the world a favor by letting it walk all over you. Start with accommodating yourself. You ARE you and you're the single most informed person about what you feel and need and want. Take that person seriously and you'll be doing the most efficient nice thing you can do.
And yes I'm sure I'm projecting lol, send me a PM if you want to talk to some random person. Good luck.
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Hey man, stay strong
I first met you in 2011 during DRTL season 1.
You were gairbear at the time.
Our interactions may have been brief back then, but I still remember you, and you occupy a special niche in my memory.
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I would like to take a moment to address everyone, and thank you for taking a moment to read. I wondered whether or not saying anything at all would help or hinder. Another thing that sounds counterproductive is the thought of voicing this issue would actually have an opposite effect such as whining or being the "attention whore" and just doing this to get sympathy points. My true goal in putting this out there is just to help relieve some of the thoughts that I have been struggling with by shining more light upon them and giving them a place to live. I always have wished to be a better person and also more deeply accept that these thoughts are not the entire picture of a person, but only a glimpse of a moment of weakness.
On January 31 2018 03:30 Saechiis wrote:
You're NOT a nice person. I can tell because you treat yourself like shit. Nice people start by being nice to themselves. It's easy to accommodate people at the expense of your own accommodation, but now you've given away your own accommodation creating a problem where people now have to accommodate you.
You're like a 2v2 player that starts off by building turrets in his allies' base. It would be nicer if you played a fundamentally sound game, you asshole. Build your economy, build your army, then maybe build turrets when your economy can accommodate them.
In other words, you're not doing the world a favor by letting it walk all over you. Start with accommodating yourself. You ARE you and you're the single most informed person about what you feel and need and want. Take that person seriously and you'll be doing the most efficient nice thing you can do.
And yes I'm sure I'm projecting lol, send me a PM if you want to talk to some random person. Good luck.
"Hey just feel better you piece of selfish shit who makes everyone now feel more uncomfortable and who can't function on your own worth anything fuck you and your feelings, I'm just kidding message me and we can talk more".
Thank you for your words of encouragement. It almost makes me feel like I had no spine to begin with.
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Maybe you are setting to high goals, or you are not ready for those goals.
Trying is sometimes what matters, not the goal itself.
You are not alone in feeling like as you do.
Amen to everything you said.
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On January 31 2018 15:58 art_of_turtle wrote:I would like to take a moment to address everyone, and thank you for taking a moment to read. I wondered whether or not saying anything at all would help or hinder. Another thing that sounds counterproductive is the thought of voicing this issue would actually have an opposite effect such as whining or being the "attention whore" and just doing this to get sympathy points. My true goal in putting this out there is just to help relieve some of the thoughts that I have been struggling with by shining more light upon them and giving them a place to live. I always have wished to be a better person and also more deeply accept that these thoughts are not the entire picture of a person, but only a glimpse of a moment of weakness. Show nested quote +On January 31 2018 03:30 Saechiis wrote:
You're NOT a nice person. I can tell because you treat yourself like shit. Nice people start by being nice to themselves. It's easy to accommodate people at the expense of your own accommodation, but now you've given away your own accommodation creating a problem where people now have to accommodate you.
You're like a 2v2 player that starts off by building turrets in his allies' base. It would be nicer if you played a fundamentally sound game, you asshole. Build your economy, build your army, then maybe build turrets when your economy can accommodate them.
In other words, you're not doing the world a favor by letting it walk all over you. Start with accommodating yourself. You ARE you and you're the single most informed person about what you feel and need and want. Take that person seriously and you'll be doing the most efficient nice thing you can do.
And yes I'm sure I'm projecting lol, send me a PM if you want to talk to some random person. Good luck. "Hey just feel better you piece of selfish shit who makes everyone now feel more uncomfortable and who can't function on your own worth anything fuck you and your feelings, I'm just kidding message me and we can talk more". Thank you for your words of encouragement. It almost makes me feel like I had no spine to begin with.
If I thought words of encouragement would be helpful I would've given you words of encouragement. But from recognizing parts of your story from my own life I do not think a days worth of external motivation is going to positively affect your life in the long run. Like I said, I don't know you and I might be wrong, but the way you're filling out my words in all black makes me think I'm not.
While you recognize the value of being nice you're just being externally nice and not nice to yourself. You're being self-detrimental to the point where you need people outside of you to be positive as compensation to the negative charge you hold. You take personal offense to my post only reading the criticism, ignoring the message of empowerment behind it. If you behave like a doormat people will see a doormat and they will use the doormat. Blaming people for using the doormat focuses responsibility on factors you have no control over, it's a perspective that forces you to conclude you're a powerless victim of reality. If you start focusing on the things you control there's a perspective where if people walk over you for being a doormat you can change those behaviors and become a 3 dimensional person that takes up space that people need to acknowledge. Focus on what part of the problem is in your hands and perhaps you can find the intrinsic motivation from having a worldview that revolves around you first.
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On January 31 2018 15:58 art_of_turtle wrote:
I would like to take a moment to address everyone, and thank you for taking a moment to read. I wondered whether or not saying anything at all would help or hinder. Another thing that sounds counterproductive is the thought of voicing this issue would actually have an opposite effect such as whining or being the "attention whore" and just doing this to get sympathy points. My true goal in putting this out there is just to help relieve some of the thoughts that I have been struggling with by shining more light upon them and giving them a place to live. I always have wished to be a better person and also more deeply accept that these thoughts are not the entire picture of a person, but only a glimpse of a moment of weakness.
For the sake of transparency, when you disappeared for about a day after writing your blog, I mentioned to Herbmon that even though I'm inclined to worry about things excessively, that you probably just didn't want to deal with a pity-party. I think I was right. So I know this, and Herbmon knows this, and since Doc is ten times smarter, he knows this 10x. Everyone who knows you knows that you didn't do this for attention. As far as being a 'nice guy' goes, I don't think people should wipe their boots on you, but you being kind is one of the things I admire the most about you.
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On February 01 2018 04:41 ninazerg wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2018 15:58 art_of_turtle wrote:
I would like to take a moment to address everyone, and thank you for taking a moment to read. I wondered whether or not saying anything at all would help or hinder. Another thing that sounds counterproductive is the thought of voicing this issue would actually have an opposite effect such as whining or being the "attention whore" and just doing this to get sympathy points. My true goal in putting this out there is just to help relieve some of the thoughts that I have been struggling with by shining more light upon them and giving them a place to live. I always have wished to be a better person and also more deeply accept that these thoughts are not the entire picture of a person, but only a glimpse of a moment of weakness. For the sake of transparency, when you disappeared for about a day after writing your blog, I mentioned to Herbmon that even though I'm inclined to worry about things excessively, that you probably just didn't want to deal with a pity-party. I think I was right. So I know this, and Herbmon knows this, and since Doc is ten times smarter, he knows this 10x. Everyone who knows you knows that you didn't do this for attention. As far as being a 'nice guy' goes, I don't think people should wipe their boots on you, but you being kind is one of the things I admire the most about you.
This again for emphasis. Absolutely.
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Yo art_of_turtle if you struggle with anxiety, remember that life is just like starcraft, your "opponents" don't know shit about you, they only know what you let them scout.
When you play aggressive and confident, you can hide the fact your base has no detection 
I think you would be surprised to really know how your RL peers see you. If you're like me, you never ask people "How am I doing as a human being? How do you perceive me?"
I think one always sees himself worse than he really is. Just like in starcraft you know the holes of your build, your opponents do not, and you can still win despite those obvious flaws right there on your screen.
Here of course your friends are supportive. 'You're a great person, caring, etc.' I bet their words don't really warm you up, that you think 'they say that only to make me feel nice'.
Try asking IRL people around you about how they perceive you. Are you afraid? Do the opposite : how do you perceive people surrounding you? Do they seem like shitters? I bet they don't (not the majority, at least, i hope xD). That's because you can't see their base. It may not be the cure for depression, but it helps me fighting confidence issues, and confidence releases anxiety. GLHF
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I realize what I'm saying isn't super clear, apologies. I guess my point is, everyone has issues about himself one way or another, what matters is not the issues but what you do to keep moving on, how you choose to spend your time on things that matter.
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EPT
