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Reyder's blog : The thoughts in my head

Blogs > reyder
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reyder
Profile Blog Joined December 2011
United States71 Posts
April 08 2016 05:06 GMT
#1


life goals

I don't refer to myself as exceptional or even slightly better than mediocre. I was labeled as the smart kid or the know it all early in life but i've never felt that label was justified. It is however to say that i've always strived to be exceptional or at the very least more than slightly mediocre. There is nothing different about me, there is nothing extraordinary about me. It could be said that i am exactly ordinary. Who wouldn't want to be a stand out? Who's goal isn't it to be successful and better than average? I doubt this goal is any different from the neighbor, from the best friend, from the guy drinking coffee at starbucks. So why even bother mentioning it if it's such a common aspect of everyone's life?

I am generally a private person except to my closest friends and family. That being said, i often feel misunderstood or misjudged. Or maybe its that i am exactly understood that bothers me. "Family man, "Boss man", and "selfless." I wonder why I can be summed up so easliy. Is it that this is just who I am? Is it that i want to be something different? I shouldn't have any reason to dislike who I am and i think for the most part i respect what i am and have
become. However, I feel a big hole in my heart, soul, mind, what ever you want to say. I am missing that feeling of being exceptional and I constantly am reminded of how ordinary i really am. Hence this little exert. I want so bad to be exceptional, to be successful, to stand out. Yet i am constantly forcing myself into a path of mediocrity.

It is important to understand that i have no qualms with where my life has lead and what it has become so far. I have a loving wife, an enthusiastic 8 year old son , siblings who don't often show it but would be at your side in a moments notice. As well as relatives that are always around when needed. My career to this point has been more than adequate to support us and has often opened up more doors to even further success. I am completely aware that i have zero reason to complain as others are far less fortunate. Again the question beckons; Am i destined to remain ordinary? Will this itch for being extraordinary ever going to go away? What do i need to do to feel a sense of accomplishment? All signs say i should feel very accomplished. Why do i feel unsatisfied?

I've always felt that writing was as avenue for me, however that was due to a phase in high school where i felt i was the next Kipling or Shaw. Music was another area which i showed great aptitude until i found that many outside my normal environment show even greater abilities such as to be way outside i could ever hope to match. Computer science has always peaked my interest until i realize that i have barely scratched the surface of something and the technology changes. Finally gaming. In recent years the world has seen many making big lucrative careers into online gaming. Again another area i dabbled in with some but ultimately limited success.

It all makes me want to get to some high place and scream at the top of my lungs. It drives me crazy knowing that i am happy with ordinary when i feel this touch of destiny about myself. I pull back knowing that im still not yet 30 and maybe i just haven't found that "it" yet. At the same time, I am almost 30 and haven't found the "it" yet.

I am about to start a new chapter in my life and i can't help but wonder f i've already missed my "Greatness" opportunity. Did i decide one day to take the safe fork in the road? When did that happen and can i step off that path? Why do i have this feeling that i should be further along in the goal of being extraordinary? Will I ever get there? What will get me there? Why can't i just be content with where I am at.

Blah blah blah I feel i've repeated myself in the above paragraphs over and over. Likewise in my head over and over. My family, my wife and son make me immensely happy. Either i'm blind to my success or i really am nothing but ordinary. Why does that bother me? When you have ambitions and aspirations for greatness, is ordinary ok?.....

*****
NGUNS!
TwoTrickPony
Profile Blog Joined November 2015
30 Posts
April 10 2016 17:16 GMT
#2
While I don't relate to you all that well, thanks for sharing your thoughts. A couple things to note though.

Not everyone wants to stand out, actually for much of my life the goal has been to stand out as little as possible, I was not very successful at doing so.

If people were just content, they would never aspire to anything, so that's not necessarily a problem.

If you feel like your life is missing something then it probably is.

How did you strive to be exceptional?
If you want a less mediocre life try just taking up doing an unusual hobby?? I can't really tell what it is you want, but I'm not sure you know either so~
Apoteosis
Profile Joined June 2011
Chile820 Posts
April 13 2016 00:23 GMT
#3
lol I feel exactly the same.
Since I was a child, everyone said that I was gifted, smart, whatever.
So I always tried to excel in whatever I do... Like gaming, for example.
I reached GM back in 2011 with little effort, but when I wanted to take the big step, I couldn't.

I now have a good career (lawyer), a great wife and the light of my eyes, my 1 yo son.
When I was younger (I now have 29 yo), I hated ordinary life. I wanted something great for me: my passion is politics. I wanted to be a great politician (I still do), but instead, I have a regular job at the government, a family who loves me and I love them too.

I am happy right now, but still... I sometimes think that I lost my chance to achieve something great. I have a couple of cases that, if I win them, I would be in the press and my efforts recognized, but they are so difficult... I hesitate whether I can actually win them...

But above all, I am fearful of losing my familiy... Sometimes I think that I have to choose: my family or the "greatness". But, maybe I am too young to understand that you can achieve both....

Maybe it's just that we are lost in an identity crisis... Whatever. The only thing that I am clearly certain is that I love my family and I want to be with them for the rest of my life.
Life won like 200k and didn't hire a proper criminal lawyer.
imgbaby
Profile Blog Joined May 2015
158 Posts
April 13 2016 02:49 GMT
#4
I guess this is common. Everyone wants fame or something. The truly wise thing is to not want it though. I just want to be a normal, neutral person. That's the right path.
Like a bird on a wire, like a drunk in some midnight choir I have tried in my way to be free
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