EPTI met a girl, we'll call her Felicity, a few days after I got settled in. The first night we met, I wasn't strongly attracted to her or anything. In fact, I didn't even bother to ask her name and I'm not sure why. Being the nice person she is, she asked me for mine and she told me she was from the United States. Despite the clear Australian accent, I believed her. As soon as "Oh, me too" came out of my mouth I realized I had become the butt of a silly joke. She was clearly Australian (like just about everyone else on this trip). Maybe it was here that it hit me, but I think it just slowly crept up over time...
One night, I had a short dream where I was walking down a street holding someone's hand. I looked over and just saw her face smiling looking back at me. This dream haunted me whenever I was with her. I think it planted the seed inside my heart that grew into something too big for me to keep inside. I know at one point I'd have to let it out.
The group dinners continued and I each time was caught her gravity. I couldn't stray too far for too long and I didn't have the will or desire to be anywhere but next to or across from her. Naturally, we talked more (as people do when they sit next to each other at dinner). At one point, I just told her how I felt. I just had to let her know, the weight of it became unbearable. Of course, she already had a boyfriend, was leaving in a few weeks, and lives on the other side of the world. But after I told her, things started to change. We both tried not to show it, and I think at first she didn't even really like me too much.
When the big group splintered into smaller groups I was always with her, but by then she was always with me too. It started to become less of a one way pull, I started to have some gravity of my own. In our smaller group, we talked about everything. We played a game one night where we went around and said one fact about ourselves. On the surface it sounds silly, but it wasn't just "I have brown hair", it was stories about screwed up childhoods and horrible boyfriends. I was starting to learn who she actually was, and we played for hours just as an excuse to really get to know each other.
When we went to the club or the noraebang, I always wanted to dance like an idiot in the same vicinity or sing a song and sit with her. And so we sang "Stand by Me" by Ben E. King together. At Octagon we "fought" over a little glowband, but I just used it as an excuse to dance with her as she tried to steal it from me or I tried to steal it back. When we went to Lotte World, we went together even though most people were going another day. It became normal, we went places together and left together, even if other people were there.
I think up until this point, things weren't so sad. It wasn't so tragic when I though she only liked me as a friend. Over the three weeks, I had grown really attached to her as both a friend and a longshot-maybe-someday something else. Even if I had an idea of how she felt, nothing would hit me harder than finding out on the last day, and again on the last last day.
On Felicity's "last day" with our group of friends, we went out drinking with the plan of going to the noraebang. It was expected by both of us at this point that we'd have dinner together, with whoever else wanted to come, and then meet everyone else at the noraebang later. That night I had a few too many and sang a few too many. She left the noraebang crying after about an hour, and I didn't really know what to do in my stupor (so I kept singing). After I left I snapchatted her (at this point we had already been 'best friends' on Snapchat for three weeks and had the red heart and streak to prove it). I'm not sure what anything said, except for when I read a message in a blank screen:
We need to talk.
I waited up that night for her to come back. She tried really hard to take it back and shrug me off with "it was nothing", but I think we both needed to say some things. I especially needed, or wanted, to hear some things from her. We met at 3am in the computer lab (which was empty) and talked until 5am. She told me how she felt about me. We felt the same way about each other. That night everything really sank in. We talked about how anything could have been different, but it didn't matter because the next morning I would help her move out and it would be over.
Felicity's friends had been in Seoul for a week or so and now she was going to stay with them for the rest of their time here. After that, they'd all go back to Australia. It wouldn't be a good story if that day wasn't one of the snowiest. She cried when she said goodbye to our friends, and then we started walking to the bus. She cried on the bus. Then we got to Hongdae and I started walking her to where her friends stayed (on the same hill I stayed during my first few nights). Before, I complained how long it took me to get up the hill, but this time I just didn't want to reach the top.
When we got to her apartment, I gave her a short hug and said, "You're friends, and especially your boyfriend, are really lucky to have you in their lives." At least, that's what I tried to say, who knows what came out. Then, she said "annyeong chingu" (her favorite way to great me) and I left with a broken smile. I couldn't even really look her in the eyes. I took the bus back, went to my bed and cried. I spent hours in bed thinking, listening to music and dozing off. We snapchatted back and forth about how sad it all was and how we'd really miss each other. I really hoped to see her again... Then I woke up and lost six ladder games in a row before quitting, that was my Tuesday.
The next day she asked if I wanted to hang out one last time, I accepted. I was unaware of how painful Thursday would be. In the morning, I met her by the hill in Hongdae and we went to Gyeongbokgung Palace. The day started off without much to trigger the sadness lurking underneath the surface. At lunch sad music played, but later I'd learn that sad music played everywhere I went that day. We strolled around the palace, talking about whatever building or scenery was nearby. We went off to Dongdaemun after a few hours and at the coffee shop there, they played more sad music.
As we wandered around the buildings in Dongdaemun, the conversation increasingly turned to us. She asked what I like about my ex-girlfriend and I just told her everything. She told me too. Even on the last day, I wanted to know more about her. We went to the LED flower garden, but it was too early for the LEDs to be on so we just sat on big stairs. We sat through the sundown and talked about everything. She talked about going home and being unsure of how it would be. We both got cold and decided to search for food, leading us to budae jjigae place.
We ordered some food and soju and resumed talking. Soju made the words come easier, but as dinner went on I just couldn't look at her. At one point "Let's not fall in love" by Big Bang (her favorite group) came on the speakers. We both felt the relevance of the lyrics because we both knew the English translation. The sad music wouldn't leave me alone that night. As the soju flowed, the conversation went on. Then we decided to go to bar and drink more, because that's the kind of night we both were in for.
I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, she ordered a Hawaiian Punch cocktail and a bottle of soju for the table. At this point, neither of us were holding how we felt back (and we probably couldn't thanks to the wonders of alcohol). She tried to hold back about what she wanted to tell me, but at this point my eye contact fears were gone and I just watched her. I couldn't stop looking at this point, this was the last look I'd probably ever get. Eventually, she told me some things that made her feel bad, like how on the night home from Octagon she wanted to kiss me in the cab. She said she didn't because our other friend was there. I felt horrible because I knew she had a boyfriend, but I felt much less bad than I thought I should. Exactly half of me wanted nothing more than to kiss her, the other half wanted to be a good person. The former was winning thanks to the alcohol. I joked that maybe I was just the Devil, only there to tempt her and she had passed. But we both knew that inside, in her thoughts and feelings, she didn't pass.
She blamed me for making her question all the things she thought she knew. She was sure (300% she said) she'd marry her current boyfriend before the test of faith in the form of me. Maybe she is still sure, but she's less sure (200% she said). I told her that I probably wouldn't have stopped her in the cab. I've never been more proud to have failed whatever I was trying that night after the club. She also told me she didn't feel bad for feeling the way she did (does?). Apparently, this was supposed to make me see her as a bad person, but I didn't really care either. We both kept relying on "at least we didn't do anything" while thinking that it didn't matter that we didn't. We tried to make up excuses of why it wouldn't work, but we both knew it would have. I told her about my lack of a future, or something like that, but she only said it made her like me more. If we didn't think it would have worked, we wouldn't have been so sad.
We drunkenly stumbled back to the LED lights, but they weren't on so we tried hailing a cab. For some reason that was the hardest time I have had hailing a cab, not because there weren't plenty, but because a cab would only take us closer to the top of that hill again. When we got in the cab, the ride lasted forever. I thought back to what she said before, about the cab ride home from Octagon. The worse, but stronger half of me wanted her to kiss me. The better half of me was terrified she might try. Walking up the hill, I thought back to my dream. I asked if I could hold her hand and she let me. I held her hand and thought of all that could have been. I tried to let go of the thoughts, but only managed to let go of her hand.
She went to her room to get a power strip I'm supposed to give to someone. I watched the numbers on the elevator go up and come back down. We stood in the small elevator room for some amount of time. Between the alcohol and emotions, I have no idea how long it was. We embraced, this time for a long time. We said we'd miss each other, and other things people say when they may never see each other again. We let go and latched back on over and over. I couldn't let go... I leaned against the wall and fought tears, and she hugged me. I looked her in the eyes and hoped to see something that couldn't possibly exist in another person's eyes. Half of me still wanted her to kiss me, the other half just wanted her to say something to make it better. We told each other that this wasn't, couldn't be, the end. We hugged again one last time. This time I told her to take care and that I'd see her soon. I said "bye Felicity". She gave me another "annyeong chingu".
I wish it could've waited but as soon as I left that small lobby the tears rolled but I tried to look okay as I walked away. I turned the corner to go down the hill and sobbed. I leaned against the wall, moved to the ground and just sobbed. Crying felt good, and I don't think I ever remember crying so hard about anything. I had some thought about being on that hill again. It's where my adventure in Korea started and it's where this story ends... for now. When I was done, I hailed a cab home and went to sleep.
I'm not sure if I wrote this for me or for her or for anyone, but I just know I had to do it. I had to chronicle what happened between me and Felicity these past few weeks. I gave her the link to my blog so I know she'll read it, but it has nothing she doesn't already know.
