EPTIf you guys are looking for a TL:DR, it can be summed up in one sentence. It sucked a lot.
From a young age I hated school. I think what first got me was waking up early to go to school. For a kid that really sucked. Fortunately from Grade 2 to Grade 6, I lived just across the street from my school and I could sleep a bit longer or do things I wanted to do. I think that starting my day off with school really bothered me. I was always hard to wake up in the morning for school. One of my neighbors that was my babysitter at the time tried to make it easier for me. She was volunteering at the humane society. They take care of pets that are abandoned and try to re-home them. Usually once or twice a week, she'd come over and dump a cat or dog that she was taking care of at the time on me. She usually took care of puppies that had special needs that needed to be looked after. I think that's what started my love for pets. I can remember that quite a few times I'd be over at her place even if she wasn't babysitting me just to play with the dogs or cats. It wasn't all bad thankfully.
I had developed quite the stutter as a kid. I mentioned this in my second blog post, but I'll talk more about it now. It was so bad that I had to visit a speech therapist twice a week for two years. It's still not gone and it never will be. It was definitely a lot better by the end, but I can't say it wasn't hard. I think most of the teachers at my schools were either incredibly lazy or stupid. It was in my file that I hate and will not read in front of the class or do presentations. Who did they call to read a chapter from a book or do a presentation, me. I felt like it was always me. There were a few teachers who'd let me do my presentations in private after school or during lunch, but there weren't that many. By the time I got to high school, I didn't do my presentations any more since I'd have a reason not to go up in front of people. I started to sleep through my classes when we were reading books just so that they wouldn't call on me. Most of the times I wasn't even asleep, I just had my head down and pretended to. I know I'm a shitty student for sure.
Some of you might be thinking, but you must not know a lot or you must have gotten bad grades. I always averaged B's in classes that I slept through, C's in classes that I skipped presentations and A's in math classes. I'm a very good test taker. I read a lot during school as well. I could always read at several levels above most students in my class. I actually got in trouble frequently for reading during school. It was far more useful then anything that I was being taught. I remember in grade 3 they had me do the tests for enrichment courses. Which basically special classes for the smart people. I was easily ahead of most students, but I think my stutter held me back. I was already missing several hours of class to see the speech therapist twice a week and they didn't want me to miss anymore. It's a shame really, but I think it was for the best. I probably wouldn't have done well in that type of setting.
I think if there wasn't a math class, I would have seen no point in school. It was the one subject I was naturally good at, but my intense hate for school made me not pursue it. All throughout high school, I always had math first period. Which was bad for me. My depression was already bad and coupling that with my insomnia, I was getting enough sleep. I think I averaged something like 4-6 hours a night. It only got worse as it went on. First period was always my sleeping class. Even though I slept through it, I was still able to get A's. It was really the only subject I had any intention of learning in.
The expectation to do homework and study always baffled me. I knew some kids who did like 12 hours of school combined with homework and studying. I never saw a point in doing any of that. When I got home, it was time to forget all about school. I'd play games or watch cartoons and such. Even though I was technically supposed to do homework, I never did. It seems cruel to force kids to do like 4 hours of homework a night. My grades definitely suffered due to me not doing my homework, but my scores evened it out. I always thought that it was incredibly pointless. I couldn't help wondering that I already learned this stuff at school, why do I need to repeat it? Teacher's definitely really hated that part about me. I know my parent's were called quite a few times.
The worst part was that not too many people in my class were ever serious about school. It was always noisy and distracting. I think that definitely played a factor in me liking school. I found it hard to focus and it was easy to get caught up in something else. The teacher's here were not strict about it and I think quite a few people suffered due to it. It felt like there wasn't any punishment for misbehaving. So quite a few students took advantage of that. So did I many times. I frequently asked to go to the washroom, only to return 30 minutes later or an hour. Sometimes not at all. They kept saying that they wouldn't let me go anymore, but they knew I'd just leave anyway. I did it a few times.
High school wasn't good for me. I lost contact with my childhood friend who I talked to every day before we both went into high school. It was hard going from seeing, talking to and hanging out with someone nearly everyday to not at all. I never had trouble making new friends at school, but they were extremely shallow friendships. That's me being a schizoid though. I think I'm glad I stopped talking to my childhood friend. I know that being that close with someone would sooner or later conflicted with me understanding myself. She could have helped me through the period, but she'd make it more complicated as well. It's hard to explain. Overall, I think it was better that she wasn't involved in that confusing part of my life. Maybe I'll go more in depth about this another time.
The public education system of Canada definitely isn't great. I wish it was a lot more like how the Japanese education system. I think I would have flourished in such an environment. I actually would have seen a point in doing homework and studying. The public education system in Canada paired me with students who had no interest in learning and they made it a point to disrupt those who did. I think that having the pressure that Japanese students have would give me that incentive to do well or at least pay attention. I would probably be in classes where students were quiet and such. That would have been fun.
I dropped out of college for several reasons. The obvious one was that my social anxiety was getting bad. My insomnia was the worst it ever was. I was extremely confused on the things that I was feeling. I didn't know I was a schizoid until after college when a friend brought it up. It just seemed to be that unexplained part of me that was all of a sudden explained. College was just an overall bad fit for me. I didn't along with anyone at the school. Although I still talked to the one real friend I met there, so it wasn't all bad I guess, but it was easily the most miserable I've ever been. The last semester, I don't think I made any of the attendance requirements for any of my classes.
For an entire year after I dropped out, I went through one of those periods where I had to be alone. I sometimes didn't utter words for weeks and if I did, it wasn't more then a yes, no or I don't know. I think it was the long break I needed. School made me miserable and it was a shame that I was forced to go. I didn't want to go to college, but my parents pressured me into it and I felt terrible. I don't think my friends or family knew what I was going through and they never will. I'm not very close with anyone in my family and I'm happy about that. In a year or two, I plan to move away and cut all contact with them. I think it's essential for me to keep getting better. Most of my extended family I don't talk to anyways. My brother is the same case, but there's a long story for that one. It's just my immediate family I have left to cut all ties with.
Most of you will probably be confused by what I mean by getting better. School had quite the damaging effect on me and my family played a part as well. By the time I graduated high school I weighed 300 pounds. Maybe a little more. It's been three years since I dropped out of college after my first year and I think I weigh 170 to 180 pounds now. At least 180 since that was the last time I weighed myself, but I suspect that I have been losing more weight recently. Hard to imagine losing 40% of what you used to weigh just due to not being forced to go to school. Imagine going from obese to now being a normal weight for someone my height. It was probably due to the fact that my depression slowly got better and with it I lost the weight. It's almost completely gone now, but it wasn't easy. My insomnia has also gotten much much better. I get around 6 hours of sleep a night which is great really. I feel now I have more energy then I ever had in my life. I'm still struggling with my social anxiety and I'm sure I will for quite some time, but I'm starting to get better with it. To think it was all caused by school. Sure me being confused about myself was a factor, but I felt I would've understood it a lot quicker if I wasn't miserable at school.
These are my thoughts about school with my experiences thrown in. I left out a few things or else this blog would be too long. Well it still is, but even more if I included other things. I don't if you guys have questions or other topics you'd like to see me write about. It definitely makes it easier on me to decide what to write and I'll always be curious as to what others think.
