[1k] Closure

      I got SC2 release day, not expecting to play it much but mostly just to screw around with my little brother on. With literally zero experience in RTS games I had absolutely no idea what was going on, and for months I hardly played. At some point I got bored of WoW and picked up SC2 again. For about a month I think I was in bronze while getting slaughtered by my brother who had consistently been playing since release (omg he was silver so guuud). I am hypercompetitive (really to the point of it being unhealthy) and having my little brother beat me at a video game irked me more than it should have. About this time I heard of the Day9 daily and started watching. Many SC players likely have the same story of Day9’s streams bringing them into SC and the proscene while teaching them about the game. Honestly, Day9 was probably one of the most integral parts of SC2’s growth. I practiced against my brother for a bit, played a bunch of ladder games, and watched the dailies to get better. ~70 games of Bronze and I made it into Silver, and my brother’s throne was under siege. Unfortunately for him, I am way more motivated than he is, and soon I was the one delivering the thrashing.
      At this point I thought SC2 was pretty cool, I had basically quit playing WoW seriously (I think I capped at 2400 3v3’s? maybe not that high but for my server that was decent, top 5 3v3 teams I believe), so most of my time was devoted to SC (this was ¼ of the way through sophomore year of high school I think). Something about SC captured my attention like nothing else I have ever done. I was acutely aware of how slow I was, how bad my game knowledge, how weak my mentality was. There was so much room for improvement and my frustration with being bad (some interesting psychology here) made me absolutely ravenous. I don’t remember exactly when, but after I got into Silver I took a break from matchmaking and just played with my brother for a while. After I went back to matchmaking I got destroyed, which was unacceptable.
      Two weeks later, maybe 30 games in Silver, and I was promoted to Gold.
      The next day, after 5 games in Gold, I was in Platinum.
      I stagnated for a few months I think, but slowly climbed my way to Diamond. It was nothing compared to the absurd rate of improvement I saw earlier in the year, but it was fun. Then summer came, and the dream of getting to Master’s was very real. I practiced solidly for a month and made it [July 26th 2011, one year after the release of the game (minus a day)]. I still remember getting up and running down the hall yelling to my brother that I made it. I played for the rest of the summer off and on, staying around mid-masters without serious motivation to improve. My junior year of high school started and I was forced to take a break for a month or two to focus on classes. But once my routine settled, I came back.

      My life junior year was basically this for 7 months: wake up, eat, school, lunch, school, come home and do homework until around 7-9 PM, then play SC until 11PM and go to bed. The schedule never really changed. Weekends would be SC and homework, maybe hang out with people for a bit on Friday/Saturday. I got very serious about SC near the beginning of the year (it was no longer “playing Starcraft”, it was “practicing Starcraft”), watching Korean VODs and replays, analyzing my own replays, practicing on ladder and with people I met on ladder. Near the end of the year I had to tone down because of AP tests, but immediately afterwards I peaked around top 8 masters. The next season I reached rank 8 (my highest at season end) but some asshole bumped me to rank 9 (ha). In the end, I peaked at top 400 in the US and top 1000 in the world, which I still remain pretty damn proud of for almost no reason haha. Being in the top 400 in the US is actually one of maybe 3 things that I have ever been legitimately proud of.
      Slight breakdown of my stats at this point:
My winrate vs. Zerg was 90%+ for the entire season. I fucking tore through Zergs like nobody’s business, the matchup honestly felt like a total joke. I still don’t know why, but something during that season clicked.
My vs. Terran was 75%+, I loved playing against Terran because the matchup felt incredibly dynamic and skill oriented. It was by no means easy, but Zergs had for the most part figured out most of the tricks Terran could pull and that made the matchup kinda easy for a while.
Now we come to the part where I decided to quit the game at my peak: my vs. Protoss. I legitimately quit SC SOLELY because of forcefields. I never figured Protoss out, which was my biggest shortcoming as a player. My vs. Protoss was at 20%. Nothing else has ever made me so frustrated, I very nearly broke my hands multiple times (and my desk and I actually broke a phone) because I was unable to learn how to beat Protoss. This was the era of broodlord/infestor too, where Zergs were supposedly supposed to stomp Protoss. I couldn’t. Period.

      After the season ended I basically phased out of Starcraft because a friend introduced me to LoL (first week I played of LoL was 12+ hours a day every day, more than I think I have played any other video game in one week). That was summer of 2012. I have come back to Starcraft multiple times, made top 8 masters again a little bit after HotS release, but every time I open the game I’m reminded of the all-consuming desire to practice and get better, and I can’t play for fun anymore. I never reached the top, and I never had the same drive that the pros have, but at least I had a taste. The dream of competing in the big tournaments, the ultimate goal of being the first foreigner to win the GSL, I will never forget.

      I will never forget the feeling of playing those rare, nearly flawless games. The feeling of wielding 350 APM to dance around your opponent. The comebacks were you think “I fucking refuse to lose this game.” The scrappy games where the adrenaline is pumping and when the game ends your hands are shaking and you are covered in sweat. The games where even though you lost, the game felt beautiful. Watching the games where you can’t help but scream NESTEAAAAAAAAAA at 5AM because the GSL finals are in Korea and you wake your family up. Watching the games where Tastosis or Day9 are losing their minds and you can’t help but lose yours too. Watching the Korean pro win after saying his parents told him to not come home if he didn’t win the whole tournament. Watching games so good that it inspires you to give 110% in things other than Starcraft. I will never forget the feeling of watching IdrA seemingly come back to top form and hoping that he had finally returned.
      I will never forget the feeling of losing 10 games in a row and wanting to break everything that was in sight. The feeling of hating yourself more than anything else in the world because why can’t you just win at a videogame? The feeling of crying after a loss because you are trying to give your best but sometimes your best just isn’t enough and it hurts to face it. The feeling of smashing your head at an invisible wall that refuses to break. The feeling of watching a player lose in the finals and break down. The feeling of watching someone’s dreams being crushed and watching their sacrifices amount to almost nothing. The feeling of knowing that no matter how hard you try, in the end they still see Starcraft as a game and invalidate you because of it.
      Anyone who sees Starcraft, and all competitive video games, as being nothing more than “just a game” is absolutely fucking wrong.