EPTLast year that surprise falafel was a gamble that paid off, that much was clear. I am really glad they brought the falafel back this year because I was all over it last time. At first I was super sceptical because normally I don’t think falafel has a place but it was so well made and such a professionally made falafel I was proven wrong, and happily so. I heard a whispered rumour the falafel was going to be accompanied by five different kinds of hummus. Colour me excited!
Overall, however, this year I am concerned and a little angry. What the hell are they thinking with this buffet? Frankly I got ninety-nine problems with this buffet. And an Onion Bhajji IS one.
Firstly what the hell is this “bhajji” thing? It’s called an Onion Bhajji but it should be renamed Gross Ball of Onions and Shit. I’ve heard about this thing but I’ve never actually seen one and I had no idea it would be cropping up here at this buffet. Some people are even saying they are delighted to see the bhajji here. Seriously? What’s wrong with just having sausage rolls? What about dips and potato crisps? Why do they have to let this vile foreign muck near the buffet? I realise I said the same thing about falafel last year but lightning never strikes a buffet twice. Not an indoor one anyway.
I also heard they aren’t bringing ANY kind of spicy bean salsa. This has been the year of spicy bean salsa. If there’s a condiment that’s worked harder this year to be relevant, delicious and daring it’s spicy bean salsa and to see it excluded….well…I wouldn’t be surprised if whichever smart company makes the salsa decided to take their business elsewhere.
Just who is catering this thing? Bhajjis, and no salsa. Someone explain that one to me, please!
Which brings me to this giant chocolate cake. I tell you what – if you want a free ride to a buffet, being a giant chocolate cake has to be the easiest way. Never mind all the other far more delicious cakes, the giant chocolate cake just has to shake it’s icing covered arse at the buffet organisers and BOOM – all the other kinds of cake which are FAR less showy and have way more depth to them get left out to make room for this motherfucker of a confection.
Sure there are the usual staples at this buffet – miniature sandwiches, canapés, crudités, and quiche (as boring as it can be, we do need quiche or it’s not a buffet in my book) round out the table nicely. There’s a nice selection of vegetarian stuff as well which is fine, I understand the need to cater to those people although I’ll never understand how they can avoid tucking into a cocktail sausage with pineapple and cheese.
Still, it takes all sorts of people to make a buffet I guess.
However, that still leaves us with these maddening decisions. I’ve heard from a lot of people that the cake and the bhajjis are going to go down really well but those people are clearly wrong. I know buffets. I’ve been eating buffet food all over the World for about a decade and if there’s one thing life has taught me it’s this – big chocolate cakes, onion bhajjis and a lack of spicy bean salsa is a recipe for a terrible buffet.
If you cooked that recipe you’d open the oven to find a steaming turd. Imagine laying that turd out on the buffet table beneath a giant cloche. Lift that cloche up to reveal a giant steaming turd with dips. My imaginary reaction to that turd is the same real life reaction I had when I heard about the b***jis (I can’t bring myself to type it anymore) and the hate cake.
I’m thinking of cancelling my ticket but I probably won’t because I heard they were thinking of doing those miniature versions of food like a tiny burger and chips and a tiny fish and chips and a tiny pizza. I mean that sounds good to me. I can almost pretend that the b***jis and so on aren’t really there. I just hope they put all that shit I don’t like down one end of the table and I can hang out at the other. That would just about rescue this appalling sounding buffet.
