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So a little under a month ago I made a post about me and my GF breaking up. I would love to update and say that things are looking up and that I feel better but unfortunately life is tough and when your carrying your problems on your shoulders and someone kicks your legs out from under you the world comes falling down on top of you.
I have gone through a few stages of grief and self realization over the last month. At first I was so destroyed that I stopped showing up for classes and tanked my grades for one class into the ground. I stopped eating entirely and lost 10 lbs and more or less layed in bed all day. Eventually I got over that stage and was doing good for a few days, decided to go back to the gym (I lifted 2-3 times a week before this) and that brings me to where I am today.
I am at the gym 7 days a week to keep myself busy as they say exercise helps depression (this feels like complete bullshit because I don't feel any better), mixing cardio and weights to avoid injury. I am more or less at peace with the breakup but with this comes a crushing realization that I am deeply and entirely depressed, I lack self esteem, confidence and the ability to be social. I have lost all interest in gaming (my main hobby) and even food tastes like shit to me. I used to love black coffee and couldn't wait to get some daily but now I don't even give a shit.
One positive thing to come from all this is I realize that my relationship was simply the bubblegum over the crack in my head and once that fell off the depression came rushing forward. For better or worse I realize that my relationship was destined to fail because I was not okay with myself and I was using the relationship as a bandaid to mask that.
Unfortunately, I have no idea where to go from here. I have been doing some self help reading but it's not helping as much as I hoped, I have access to a doctor however I have no interest in taking anti depressants (ironically scared to take them even though I take ativan almost daily to help with anxiety). Everything is kind of swirling the drain and I am really making the effort to stop it, the saying goes that time heals all wounds but I really don't see it.
The blog might seem spotty and pointless, I can't personally tell, I am mostly just vomiting my thoughts on the screen, if you made it this far thanks.
 
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Have you considered talking to a psychologist? Say what you will, but they're the best people to talk to about this.
I, unfortunately, am not a psychologist. Having said that, I'll give my two-cents anyways.
Work on finding some new hobbies! Anything that even remotely interests you is worth a shot. Sounds like you could use a change of routine anyways.
Getting some new concrete goals will give you something to work towards as well , so you're not just doing things to kill time (Eg. lifting 20 more pounds, running a half-mile more than you usually do, nailing your next couple classes) .
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I think for some things you just have to accept that you're gonna feel like shit for awhile. Breakups, deaths, accidents etc... Sounds like you're doing some good proactive things though. I'd say keep active but give yourself more time too... one month is nothing.
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On March 24 2014 08:49 Meepman wrote:
Have you considered talking to a psychologist? Say what you will, but they're the best people to talk to about this.
I, unfortunately, am not a psychologist. Having said that, I'll give my two-cents anyways.
Work on finding some new hobbies! Anything that even remotely interests you is worth a shot. Sounds like you could use a change of routine anyways.
Getting some new concrete goals will give you something to work towards as well , so you're not just doing things to kill time (Eg. lifting 20 more pounds, running a half-mile more than you usually do, nailing your next couple classes) .
I have tried many times to see a psychologist however either they don't exist in my area or my doctors are all assholes because I end up at a psychiatrist who wants me to take medicine.
The worst thing about this is I realize all my problems are in my head and compleltely made up in my mind but I still can't do anything about it. I'm a prisoner in my own thoughts.
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I was in your shoes about a year ago, and I've only recently started to feel like I'm more healed than broken. Like you, I think my relationship was a bandaid that covered up all of the pain that stemmed from much deeper problems. My relationship made me happy and it made up for the bad things. Once the relationship was gone, I had not only that pain to deal with, but the problems I had been burying for years and years came to the front of my mind.
I think the stages you're going through are pretty common; I went through weeks of severe depression where I could barely function, couldn't eat, couldn't drink. Eventually I regained some functionality, but the hurt didn't ease up for months. I tried seeing a therapist and talking out both the breakup and the deeper set issues, but it didn't help in the least bit. I also wanted to avoid medication, so I just suffered for a while.
For months I hated to sleep because convincing myself to face the day when I woke up took hours of effort. Once I was up and busy with school it was easier to not think about everything else. About 8 months after the breakup, I noticed this problem went away. After that, everything started slowly getting better.
I exercised a lot, like you did, and poured my free time into things I used to find joy in hoping that one day they'd be fun again. But I think what helped the most was having school to throw myself into. I had a year left and was carrying a perfect gpa in a double-degree program, and I was definitely not going to let my ex ruin that for me by distracting me from studying. Doing something I was really good at and doing it so well brought back my confidence and that change in attitude has made all the difference.
So to get to some potentially decent advice: first of all, be easy on yourself. You just lost your best friend you've had around for years and that sucks like nothing else. Some days will just be really hard but you'll get through them.
Try something new that you think you might enjoy, something that might help get your confidence back up as well. Train for a distance race or take up rock climbing, etc.
Connect with new people you wouldn't meet in your day to day like right now. Social interactions are always exhausting for me, but for that reason they really helped when I was on the mend.
Finally, watch this:
+ Show Spoiler +
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One problem with social interactions and something nobody actually knows about me because I've never said it outside my head is. I am 110% socially inept, I am an extremely charismatic guy IF people approach me but I have no clue at all on how to approach people. It's wierd too because in highschool I had no problem walking up to girls and picking them up but at some point I just completely forgot how to do it.
Every person I've met since then has been because I talked to them after meeting them with friends or they approached me. I don't have the slightest clue how to approach a person at all and generally look like a pretty closed off person because of it. This was less of an issue in my bar days when i would out with friends but now all my friends are married with kids or in relationships and I don't drink so I am up shit creek without a paddle for meeting people.
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a lot of times when people see psychologists don't actually need any sort of medicine, but just want someone to talk to, and want a open listener who sincerely cares about the patient's woes and depression. Often times, the patient feels immediately better after talking to the psychologists, without any medication.
It definitely looks like you're taking a proactive approach to your situation by doing something to clear your head. Keep it up. ALso you might want to find another activity or hobby that would take so much of your time and mental energy that you no longer have the effort to keep thinking about your problems.
Try thinking about the eiffel tower, and what you're going to have for breakfast tomorrow....That's right, you can only think about one thing at a time 
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read up more about anti-depressants and really think about why you don't want to take them...
Honestly I've always hated the idea of using meds where something else (counseling with a psychologist) could solve a deeper rooted problem, but after witnessing someone I know say how beneficial they were as a method to get oneself out of a rut I wouldn't rule them out if my doctor recommended them.
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According to depression guidelines,
if you have any of the following:
SLeep problems, loss of interest, guilt, energy loss, loss of concentration, loss of appetite, agitations or retardations, and thoughts of suicide for EVERYDAY for 2 weeks. You are qualified for depressive meds.
Also depression meds takes SEVERAL weeks for it to start having benefits. And by that time, it's hard to say if you are out of your slump, or if the med actually increased your dopamine levels. But most likely a combo of both.
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I would suggest you pick up a sport and play that sport's pick up league/take lessons. Pick a sport with that doesn't have an incredible learning curve, but one that feels rewarding. You can pick up martial arts like muay thai for example, which in particular is incredibly rewarding, but others have that same feel. Another thing to do is to pick up an art that you enjoy along with sports. This way you can channel your emotions into two divergent activities that better yourself. Pickup an instrument, learn how to draw in a specific style, learn how to write poetry/essays, or learn culinary arts and you will start to boost your self confidence; if you want you can learn more out of the way art skills like blown glass, etc. Finally, work on your connections with other people by meeting people who enjoy the same hobbies you picked. Until then, find a therapist, not necessarily a psychologist, but a social worker who can listen to your problems and suggest possible ideas. Outside of this, you need to control your emotions in a way. You can make lists, you can slow down and meditate, you can take times of silence where you only focus on yourself. Really anything that works to slow down your mind. Once you do this, you will realize that so much time has passed and you have been so busy that you've gotten over the breakup. You will make it through.
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On March 24 2014 09:12 Esoterikk wrote:
One problem with social interactions and something nobody actually knows about me because I've never said it outside my head is. I am 110% socially inept, I am an extremely charismatic guy IF people approach me but I have no clue at all on how to approach people. It's wierd too because in highschool I had no problem walking up to girls and picking them up but at some point I just completely forgot how to do it.
Every person I've met since then has been because I talked to them after meeting them with friends or they approached me. I don't have the slightest clue how to approach a person at all and generally look like a pretty closed off person because of it. This was less of an issue in my bar days when i would out with friends but now all my friends are married with kids or in relationships and I don't drink so I am up shit creek without a paddle for meeting people.
You don't have to drink to hang out with people at bars, believe it or not. Just take a firm stance if you're asked or bugged about it. Approaching people is kinda like reuiniting with an old family member you haven't seen in months or years. Depends on how you want the conversation to go, I suppose. For example, if you're going to chat up some girl you probably don't want to talk about super boring stuff, bring more energy to the conversation, etc. Maybe you could try judging what type of person you think someone is by looking at them first, and then make some small plans that way. If you see some skinny 30 year old dude you could talk about coding or internet sites you like to go to, or DnD or comic books.
All it takes is a little categorizing and strategy beforehand. Have a few groups you can put people into just by looking at them, and then use that judgement to initiate the conversation in a neutral to positive manner. You might even bounce off 3-4 people before you find someone you can talk to easily for a while. Not to say that judging people means you're putting labels on them, but just categorizing them to get a feel for what they might be interested in, and then going from there.
The mall cafeteria tends to be a decent place to meet people too, especially while standing in line to order food. Good luck and stay on the growth / development path, it can only lead you to better places.
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I am fairly good at reading people, my issue with approaching them is more that I honestly have no idea what to say when I approach someone.
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Then talk about something closer first, like something in your shared surroundings. Then you can branch into nerdy stuff or the category stuff.
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For anti-depression med, you could also try St. John's Wort, which is a herbal supplement that has shown an effect on milder depressions. (just make sure to get proper quality & research the dosage, take for two months and then slowly quit)
I was severely depressed last year and I took it for a few months and it sort of unphases you, I think it worked? (I don't really have a personality that's easily depressed though, so maybe I would have always bounced back! ^_^)
It's obviously not a long term solution, but maybe it can help you while you are also scheming to do other things.
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In my opinion, good blog! It helps me to chat (and put my thoughts out there), so I guess writing helps too, plus it helps everyone to know we're going through similar emotions and feelings.
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On March 24 2014 19:06 Grumbels wrote:
For anti-depression med, you could also try St. John's Wort, which is a herbal supplement that has shown an effect on milder depressions. (just make sure to get proper quality & research the dosage, take for two months and then slowly quit)
I was severely depressed last year and I took it for a few months and it sort of unphases you, I think it worked? (I don't really have a personality that's easily depressed though, so maybe I would have always bounced back! ^_^)
It's obviously not a long term solution, but maybe it can help you while you are also scheming to do other things.
I actually broke down and decided to take the pills I got prescribed months ago that I was to afraid to take, heres to hoping they help.
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On March 25 2014 06:04 Esoterikk wrote:Show nested quote +On March 24 2014 19:06 Grumbels wrote:
For anti-depression med, you could also try St. John's Wort, which is a herbal supplement that has shown an effect on milder depressions. (just make sure to get proper quality & research the dosage, take for two months and then slowly quit)
I was severely depressed last year and I took it for a few months and it sort of unphases you, I think it worked? (I don't really have a personality that's easily depressed though, so maybe I would have always bounced back! ^_^)
It's obviously not a long term solution, but maybe it can help you while you are also scheming to do other things. I actually broke down and decided to take the pills I got prescribed months ago that I was to afraid to take, heres to hoping they help.
Good luck. Depression is awful, and not something to get used to.
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Just a FYI, if you stop taking anti depressants prematurely, the chance of recurrence of long-term low level depression is very high. Most people get over an episode of major depression with some meds, and then move on, but in actual fact depression is a recurring thing.
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EPT
