EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/KYb84hK.png)
The symbol of pure evil.
As you all know, eSports are dying, SC2 is dying, World of Tanks is dying, and we are at a pivotal stage in the development of eSports. For those not familiar with eSports, eSports are when you sit down at your computer and play a computer game really hard until you get super-good, then get in your car and meet up with a bunch of other computer-game-players who have a tournament with other super-good people to see who the super-goodest and then he holds up the trophy and gets interviewed by a model who is working the venue for some extra money on the side. At the end of the day, that's what we all want, but also want guys in suits on TV talking in politically-correct non-humorous heavily-scripted dialogue about the eSports. Basically, we just want to be on TV.
Right now, eSporting lacks several things from what I've gathered through other blogs on teamliquid, which have highlighted a few minor problems:
- Not enuff gurlz :333
- Game is imbalanced
- Blizzard
But one thing that hasn't been addressed yet by anyone is Garena, the source of all evil. For those who have been living under a rock for the last 30 years, Garena is a p2p virtual LAN server that is filled with hackers and rage, and its CEO is The Devil. It became obvious to me that Garena simply wants to dominate all of the eSports in 2011-2012 when I was an administrat0r of the iCCup, where my official duties consisted of trying to recruit a team of unmotivated, lazy, and generally stupid writers to create content for iCCup, and my team failed, so I just did all the writing myself because nobody could have trained those idiots. It makes me so angry just thinking about it, that I almost punched a wedding cake once. Anyhow, enough about my incompetent staff (minus Kent and Rp, because they always came through) who sucked so bad that they need to go back to kindergarten and start their education all over.
During this time, iCCup's website was hacked multiple times. Our first suspicion was that it was probably a very angry Russian nerd who got some bad teammates in Dota. Now, Russians take their Dota very seriously. Russia is also the hacker capital of the world. So, we have the recipe for disaster: a nation full of hackers playing a game that makes people rage. One clue was that they changed iCCup's homepage to read in big, bold letters: "I fucked ******'s mom in the asshole." and wrote it in Russian.
But I knew better.
It was most likely to be a competitor, another server trying to take down iCCup, so all the people would come over to their server. That's exactly what happened to the Brain Server, and I heard it happened to WGTour or one of those Tour thingies where everyone brags about their A+ rank, which is like B- on iCCup, or, about 900-1000 points on Fish. I knew someone was taking down all the servers, and I knew it had to be those bastards over at Garena. After all, iCCup cornered the Dota market, and Garena wanted some of that hot, hot action, but they failed because we triumphed and traced their hackers and sent a virus to their computers that caused their computers to heat to 3,000 degrees and melt.
I suspect Garena is back in action now, and is trying to kill eSports, just because they are that vindictive. They just want blood now. It's no longer about ambition, but about destruction. How do I know this? Because Friedrich Nietzsche appeared to me in a dream and told me, and then he jumped down a toilet and flushed himself down, and for some reason, the water in the toilet was made of Sprite. Don't ask me why; dreams are just weird like that, but I knew it had to be true.
HOW TO SAVE THE ESPORTS:
(read this to learn how to save eSports from death)
I have formed a ten-point plan based on pseudo-science, assumptions, no business experience, an inflated sense of self-importance and intelligence, a lack of understanding of market behavior or game design, and "something I read somewhere":
1. Less cussing.
Look, gamer community. I know you're all gonna read this, so listen up. You have to stop using all those bad words, because those words are hurtful and you know it. That's why you say them, and you gotta just stop it right now. I'm putting my foot down on this one. From now on, I better not see any more bad manners, bad language, or bad attitudes. I'm not kidding. This is serious. Stop. Now, when I started playing video games, I was personally shocked by how vulgar it was. People would say things like "faggot" and I was like "WOW, THAT'S WRONG." and they would casually talk about rape and racist stuff. Years later, after playing a lot of gamez, I say all this stuff and when I'm winning a game, I'm all like "I'm raping this guy." without flinching, but I'm going cold turkey on the bad language, and you should, too. It hurts sponsor money.
2. More sponsor money.
We need to be more like NASCAR and put logos all over everything. You might think that sounds ridiculous, but I think the cars in NASCAR look kind of cool, because all the logos kind of blend together into a patchwork mosaic of beauty, creating a very interesting aesthetic look that's become emblematic of the sport as a whole. I think we have the techmology today to alter SC2 so that we can put logos on the maps, buildings and units. I bet we can make Chester Cheetah a champion in League of Legends.
3. More expansions to SC2.
Why does LotV have to be the last expansion to SC2? Why does it ever have to end? If Blizzard won't do it, we need to just start coding a fourth expansion, complete with cut scenes and new units, and maybe a whole race.
4. We need to get some celebrities to play SC2.
Imagine Taylor Swift playing StarCraft 2. Just think about it. Keep thinking about it. Imagine Justin Timberlake commentating on the game. These are the sorts of things that need to happen. And they do - Mr. T was an avid WoW character, and even hacked into the game to give his character a mohawk and to throw grenades that made other peoples' characters look like him. We all know that happened, let's not deny it and get into a battle of semantics here. It's not out of the realm of reality that celebs could be playing computer games, and getting a lot of exposure out there for eSports.
5. Do whatever Riot is doing.
Riot Games is doing well right now with their successful 2009 title, League of Legends. Because they're having a spike of success, it naturally means that they will be doing well forever probably, much like
6. Less faceless Koreans, more faceless non-Koreans.
Let's face some facts: there are a lot of white males and non-Korean azns who play video games, who are tired of the "best gamer in the world" being some Korean. We need to get racist. For example, in the United States, we have World Championships for Baseball and Basketball that only have American teams involved. I think that's a pretty solid blueprint for what eSports needs to do: have one super-tournament that has all the best players from around the world, except for Korea. Sorry, Korea. I know you invented eSports, but it's our time now.
7. moar gurlzzzz :33333
This brings me to my next point, which is that eSports will attract more of it's primary audience and base of white males if they know there are girls playing the game. None of the girls should be threatening, but should overly-sexualized and act stereotypical of a valley girl. Of course, there needs to be more females playing games, because we all know Scarlett is number 1, but who is number 2? I don't even know! While Scarlett is tearing up the competitive scene, the rest of us girls are sitting on our lazy asses playing Cookie Clicker. The only way to bring more women into the scene is to make the games cuter. More adorableness = more girls. It worked for Pokemon, which at its core, is a hardcore strategy game.
8. Make the game really, really easy
Some people like hard things (that's what she said) but most don't. Do you think I like having to remember things like "Get Lurker Aspect @ 91 population"? No. It hurts my brain, and my soul. Think about American Football for example. It's a pretty easy game to play, you just run a bit and throw a ball that's not even a ball, because it's lemon-shaped, and let the coaches handle the complicated bits. The EZer the games are, the more people will play, and therefore, eSports will grow and will be huge. If you're one of those noobs who care about a "skill ceiling", you need to chill, because sacrificing your oh-so-precious skill-ceiling is a small price to pay for moar eSports.
9. Fix SC2
A big problem with BroodWar, which, no doubt killed the game, is that it's really imbalanced. Like in TvZ, Terrans always go bio, and then switch to tanks and vultures, and it's very OP, and needs a nerf. The great thing about SC2 is that when a particular race finds a strong strategy against another race using a particular unit composition or particular spell, Blizzard makes sure to nerf it. Remember when Hellbats were good? Bogus was pwning noobies left and right like a wizrad, and that was all Blizzard needed to know. I recently have been seeing a lot of threads about how Terrans can do "mech play". Well, that's yesterday! Mech play was originally the way Terran played SC2 (see Idra vs Silver), but it was pretty good, so Blizzard made sure to make it non-viable. The problem is that they keep leaving viable strategies in the game, thus leading to imbalance, because people keep doing things other than pure macro to win. The obvious solution is for Blizzard to make all strategies non-viable, so that no unit is useful for anything, primarily by making all the spells useless and reducing all the damage for all units to zero. This way, macro players can show how their superior macro is the best macro of all by reaching 200 before the other player.
10. Stop Garena
Garena must be stopped from implementing their evil plan to kill eSports. They are spreading propaganda in the shadows of back alleys telling people that if they play StarCraft, their genitals will shrivel up.
In conclusion, BroodWar is the best game ever made, and everyone just wants to know what would happen if NonY came back and played against Sziky, and it's obvious that I'm biased and am using objective fallacies, and fail troll is fail, and my humor is try-hard, and sarcasm much, are you seriously saying this, and I am an elitist and don't care for games other than the ones I play because they are inferior and you don't understand because your intellect is small and mine is big and you cannot think of the thoughts that I think on the same level of consciousness and I starfished when I lost my virginity, so shout-out to Puppykiller.
tl;dr: Learn to read things that are long, you lazy-ass bum.
