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I have depressing blog posts, and now I know why. Hopefully, this will be the first one to change that.
Today, I went back through time. Well, I suppose that’s a little more dramatic-sounding than necessary—what I really did was go on my own Facebook profile, then scroll down. And then down, and then down some more. To those who say Facebook is a waste of time, I think I have finally found a counterargument: your profile is like an ice core, letting you see a snapshot of who you were before in wall posts, pictures and statuses, no matter how trivial or banal they may be.
It was pretty cool. I remembered old events, people I used to talk to and so forth. Yet, there was a single thread that ran through this, a common pattern I could not help but notice. To put it simply, I was a much happier person Senior year of high school. To put it simply, I am fucking depressed right now.
I’ve toyed with the idea a little here and there, but there might be another more… nuanced way of describing it apart from the d-word. Maybe my mood swings a little more. Perhaps I was a mercurial genius. Maybe I’m becoming a more introspective individual. Maybe those are true, but now I realize that I am, most likely, suffering for depression. What happened to the old Andrew? When did my sense of wonder at life die out? When did I become so cynical? I thought that this increased hardening was a consequence of growing up, but it really seems like more of a regression that growth, a narrowing of horizons. I can speculate, but the transformation was so gradual, so insidious, it took comparing me to my two, three year-ago self to realize this.
It’s hard to write this, though easier than I would have thought originally. I once believed, wrongly, that I was immune to psychology, an interesting but soft science. I guess not.
I’m not an expert on depression, beyond the sudden realization I’m probably suffering from it. Yet, it seems like the perfect explanation. Why I feel so bad at times. Why my emotions feel strangely muted. Why I can’t concentrate on things, and why my grades have slipped. Why so many things seem to go wrong, either perceived or for real, as a secondary or tertiary consequence of my mental state. To be sure, my life isn’t all greyscale and rainclouds. There’s ups here and there, like some great friends and great food. Yet all too often, the grey glasses come on, and everything becomes muted and distant as if I’m merely watching life as an old black and white silent film.
What happened? I don’t know, though there’s a few things I suspect started this downward spiral. An inferiority complex stemming from college admissions. Losing two best friends—one to betrayal, another to cancer. Cancer is a good analogy here- it starts in one place and is manageable, but I’ve pulled a Steve Jobs up till this point, stubbornly insisting I can handle it myself. No more. I will go seek professional help.
 
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Good luck man. Depression is ugly. It saps your motivation and makes your hate yourself so you neither want no have the energy to get better. Have faith that a happier person exists somewhere in you that, with medication or theorapy or whatever, will come out. Also, don't get trapped into that thought some people have where they feel like the happier more even person they become with treatment is not really "them". It is really "you" underneath the emotional problems and maybe chemical imbalances in your brain.
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Man, I'm sorry about your friend, cancer sucks.
It's normal to feel this way around this age in modern society because of the social pressures and responsibilities placed on us. Find something you are good at that you enjoy telling others about and try to gain confidence from knowing you're a boss at it.
Get some time outside (a lot of time actually) and eat right, stay away from processed sugars. Take care of your body and it will take care of you -- good luck.
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Sounds a lot like me. I used to play sports up int high school, which is when I started to notice it. Then I lost a couple of my crutch relationships and was damn near bottom.
The advice I have is find what makes you happy and take note of it. Never stop it no matter what. Avoid anti-depressants, but still see a psychiatrist. Depression is more complex than my doctor made it sound, and it's way better to address it from many angles. And find some physical activity to do. The gym is the worst one, because I have found it takes me the most motivation to do. Definitely eat well and take pride in being healthy, a cause and result of depression is low self-esteem.
If you ever need someone to talk to though, I'm sure myself and the 2 replies above me would be happy to oblige.
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If you feel the need too, then you should definetly go to a psycologist. Maybe they can help you to get your life back on track.
And also, i just wonder. Do you have anything to do in your life? do you have a job? do you have a hobby? Depression could be caused by lack of things to do. I don't know about you but when i do productive things whether it's mapmaking cycling or just going to school. I feel good about it because it's something productive and it's something that helps you move on with your life and do good things. Maybe this would help for you too. It's just a tip.
Good luck with life man.
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Damn everyone these days is blaming everything on depression. Just get your ass up and doing something instead of sitting around.
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On August 10 2013 16:40 mothergoose729 wrote:
Good luck man. Depression is ugly. It saps your motivation and makes your hate yourself so you neither want no have the energy to get better. Have faith that a happier person exists somewhere in you that, with medication or theorapy or whatever, will come out. Also, don't get trapped into that thought some people have where they feel like the happier more even person they become with treatment is not really "them". It is really "you" underneath the emotional problems and maybe chemical imbalances in your brain.
Yeah, looking back made me realize that I wasn't always this way. Like on the outside I act pretty much the same, but I feel like there's a bit of a disconnect from that and the inside, kind of like the crispy skin peeling off fried chicken. That's a little too happy of a simile, isn't it?
On August 10 2013 23:27 Calm wrote:
Sounds a lot like me. I used to play sports up int high school, which is when I started to notice it. Then I lost a couple of my crutch relationships and was damn near bottom.
The advice I have is find what makes you happy and take note of it. Never stop it no matter what. Avoid anti-depressants, but still see a psychiatrist. Depression is more complex than my doctor made it sound, and it's way better to address it from many angles. And find some physical activity to do. The gym is the worst one, because I have found it takes me the most motivation to do. Definitely eat well and take pride in being healthy, a cause and result of depression is low self-esteem.
If you ever need someone to talk to though, I'm sure myself and the 2 replies above me would be happy to oblige.
I actually have been really good about the gym this summer, haha. I used to have this mindset (I used to be a soccer/track/parkour kind of guy) that lifting weights was kind of dumb and just built useless muscle. Now I view it more as like sculpting your body (like art). I've been getting a little lazier towards the end of the summer (I should go later today), but I like what I've accomplished.
Food has never been a problem for me-- well, my appetite comes and go but as long as I can polish off an extra large bowl of pho when I go out with friends, I feel okay.
On August 10 2013 23:32 Jan1997 wrote:
If you feel the need too, then you should definetly go to a psycologist. Maybe they can help you to get your life back on track.
And also, i just wonder. Do you have anything to do in your life? do you have a job? do you have a hobby? Depression could be caused by lack of things to do. I don't know about you but when i do productive things whether it's mapmaking cycling or just going to school. I feel good about it because it's something productive and it's something that helps you move on with your life and do good things. Maybe this would help for you too. It's just a tip.
Good luck with life man.
I worked at a lab this summer on some AIDS research, which was pretty cool. I play some video games, write a little and do a few other things on the side. I've always tried to stuff myself with activities, but again, it feels like I'm pretending to be me than actually engaging in a lot of these things.
On August 10 2013 23:54 DemonDrivin wrote:
Damn everyone these days is blaming everything on depression. Just get your ass up and doing something instead of sitting around.
Based on this tiny sample, 3/4 TL members are cool guys. Still better than the rest of the internet.
ASIDE:
I definitely wrote that at like 2AM and its a nice and sunny morning now so I'm definitely in a better mood, but it definitely still applies.
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On August 10 2013 23:27 Calm wrote:
Sounds a lot like me. I used to play sports up int high school, which is when I started to notice it. Then I lost a couple of my crutch relationships and was damn near bottom.
The advice I have is find what makes you happy and take note of it. Never stop it no matter what. Avoid anti-depressants, but still see a psychiatrist. Depression is more complex than my doctor made it sound, and it's way better to address it from many angles. And find some physical activity to do. The gym is the worst one, because I have found it takes me the most motivation to do. Definitely eat well and take pride in being healthy, a cause and result of depression is low self-esteem.
If you ever need someone to talk to though, I'm sure myself and the 2 replies above me would be happy to oblige.
Why do you say to avoid anti-depressants? I know drugs won't just magically cure you, but after eventually finding ones that work, they have improved my mood and given me that little nudge that let me push myself and start doing things. I was initially skeptical and it didn't help my mood while I went through the phase of finding ones that worked for me, but just stating to avoid anti-depressants seems wrong.
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On August 10 2013 23:54 DemonDrivin wrote:
Damn everyone these days is blaming everything on depression. Just get your ass up and doing something instead of sitting around.
may you never suffer from a psychological condition of any kind.
but in case, i'll try to be the first to say "just get your ass up and do something"!
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Best of luck man. Any level of depression can be really tough to deal with by yourself
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Although I am not going to demonize taking meds, they are not the be all end all 'pill fixes it' method that society wants to have. It doesn't work that way. It takes a long time and you have to work at yourself every day just like kicking and addiction, or going to the gym to lose weight. The best thing you should be doing for yourself is exercising and talk therapy, and meds if you think it's severe enough that you need them. At the very minimum you should just go for long walks every day, maybe put on some classical music of some audio books or podcasts. Volunteering and helping people also helps quite a bit.
Force yourself to get up earlier every day and just go do something. Walking, lifting weights, etc.
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Yeah, I think what I really need is the talking part. I've had trouble really talking to even my good friends about my problems-- I feel that a lot of people have enough shit on their plates, and I don't want to weigh them down.
I'm generally averse to taking anything that might alter my state of mind (personally I would never smoke weed or do any drugs, though I don't really have problems with other people smoking), but the way I see it, taking anti-depressants would be more restoring me to my "proper" state of mind.
I've always tried to stay busy, but now it sometimes feels like I'm just going through the motions. Even then, I still have some dead time (not free time) where I just kind of start wallowing.
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EPT
