TL;DR Version - Hi guys. Sorry for being a douche. I want to work on my personality and just be an overall, more likeable guy. Take what I have to say with a grain of salt, my apology as genuine, and read the rest of this blog with an objective point of view and I think you'll have the right concept.
Hi guys.
There are a lot of people who I have introduced myself to as a hate-filled mongrol via blogs, and it makes me look like the IdrA of teamliquid blogs. The reasons why I blogged this way are very for simple reasons: I face discrimination from both sides of the spectrum - both in the Western world, and in the realm of Taiwan and China. There were racist situations for me when I wasn't even trying to be a personality and I was in Taiwan / China. I have to fight discrimination, or so I feel. I will be in Korea in two weeks, and I will face discrimination there as well, the best I can do is try to prepare myself for it. However, I think I will try to do something beyond that, I will simply try to beat the discrimination that I face. Being "aggressively nice" as Spongebob once put it.
As for my family blogs... family is family. I wouldn't understand your family just as you wouldn't understand my family. Any time I see someone blog about their family here on teamliquid.net (regardless of the situation), I rate their family blog a 5/5 simply given the fact that there are trolls willing to hate or reflect their jealousy about someone's family.
In other news, I got my visa now. I'm going to Korea.
I think my mother's situation with her cancer has gotten better. She still has her breast and isn't bald at all from her radiation therapy. But honestly... when we think of cancer, when we think of chemotherapy, we think of people sitting next to a nuclear reactor, going bald, getting surgery, becoming amputees, etc... My mother seems, to this point, to defy that stereotype of cancer. Which I find strange.
For those of you who want a more thorough, more clear explanation of why I am apologizing to the community, click on the show spoiler button below. + Show Spoiler +
I am something a bit rare. A caucasian that speaks Mandarin well to the extent that he can study in a mainland Chinese university. Some of my cerdentials say that I am "fluent", but in reality my reading and writing skills are far better than my spoken Chinese. I do my best to set the stage for globalizing eSports via Chinese-speaking regions and NA regions that need Chinese language support. I use language as my tool for globalization.
I run ESLTaiwan on teamliquid and twitch.tv as well. Some big tournaments I've casted are as follows: + Show Spoiler +
Ritmix RSL V ASUS ROG IEM World Championships IEM Katowice TW/KR Qualifiers NeoTV Star League Asia Starcraft League WCS EU Season 2 Premier League qualifiers.
The reason why I get so angry is because I perceive that I feel discrimination from both hemispheres on the planet. Other white people ask me, "Where did you learn to speak Chinese?" because of course of my Caucasian face. No one on earth would ask Suppy or Xenocider or Hellokittysc2 where they learned to speak "that language" because they are not Caucasian, and thus this situation applies to them far more minutely. And people who speak Chinese as their first language say to me, "Wow, you speak Chinese!?" whenever I try to start a conversation or ask for information that I need (This happens everyhwere, regardless of my geographic location - USA, China, Taiwan, etc.). My university major is Chinese. Altogether, I've spent a year and eight months in Chinese speaking regions of the planet.
A lot of the blogs that I've made here on teamliquid.net reflect the anger that I surmised in the above paragraph.
Honestly, this short video showcases my entire attitude towards language, skin color, and nationality in the 21st century:
So, why do I do what I do? Why do I cast in Chinese and English? I was the guy who casted in English when Nathanias or Khaldor weren't available for the Ritmix Russia Star League V, or the Acer Teamstory Cup. 450 people were happy watching Bomber, MMA, and so on in butchered Chinese from a non-native speaker with a Taiwanese / Southern Min Accent, while another 2,800 native English speakers were happy watching me cast the Final Best of Five between Scarlett and Life in the Ritmix RSL V. I am also just one of a handful of people that can cast from observer positions in Chinese language. Most streams in China are illicit and capitalize on restreaming MLG / WCS NA/ WCS EU / WCS KR streams to the site fengyunzhibo.com.
Uh, it's not discrimination. It's odds. They're not discriminating against you, wtf?
"I am something a bit rare. A caucasian that speaks Mandarin somewhat fluently."
Yeah, it's rare, so people are surprised and interested. The fuck is wrong? It's like if you're 5'7 and play in the NBA. People are going to be surprised/interested/amused. Get over yourself.
On August 08 2013 12:35 -Kaiser- wrote: Uh, it's not discrimination. It's odds. They're not discriminating against you, wtf?
"I am something a bit rare. A caucasian that speaks Mandarin somewhat fluently."
Yeah, it's rare, so people are surprised and interested. The fuck is wrong? It's like if you're 5'7 and play in the NBA. People are going to be surprised/interested/amused. Get over yourself.
Yes, but when I am on a university campus and people think that I can't speak Chinese in China / Taiwan... come on.
On August 08 2013 12:35 -Kaiser- wrote: Uh, it's not discrimination. It's odds. They're not discriminating against you, wtf?
"I am something a bit rare. A caucasian that speaks Mandarin somewhat fluently."
Yeah, it's rare, so people are surprised and interested. The fuck is wrong? It's like if you're 5'7 and play in the NBA. People are going to be surprised/interested/amused. Get over yourself.
Yes, but when I am on a university campus and people think that I can't speak Chinese in China / Taiwan... come on.
Walk up to a random white guy on the street/on your campus and start speaking Chinese. Tell me how many it takes before one of them understands you. What percentage of white people currently in Taiwan do you think speak fluent Mandarin?
[spoiler]I am something a bit rare. A caucasian that speaks Mandarin well to the extent that he can study in a mainland Chinese university.
The reason why I get so angry is because I perceive that I feel discrimination from both hemispheres on the planet. Other white people ask me, "Where did you learn to speak Chinese?" because of course of my Caucasian face. No one on earth would ask Suppy or Xenocider or Hellokittysc2 where they learned to speak "that language" because they are not Caucasian
Because it's a reasonable assumption that a Chinese/non-Caucasian who can speak perfect English was BORN in an English speaking country, hence their language being good. However a Caucasian person who speaks another language perfectly is more likely to have learnt that at some point rather than growing up with it.
I'm in China. I get where you are coming from, but your attitude is all wrong. The Chinese students at your university are a lot less world wise and sophisticated than you are. They have a lot of wrong preconceptions about foreign countries and they have no idea how to treat someone who doesn't fit the standard stereotype (like white dudes don't speak Chinese.) Honestly, they are probably really impressed that you can speak Chinese, and are just paying you a compliment. Next time, try asking something about the person you are talking to to deflect attention away from yourself if you feel embarrassed.
Basically, just rise above it, and find yourself a group of friends who treat you like a normal person (as anyone will who gets to know you a little, the novelty will wear off pretty fast.)
On another note I found this video the other day, ring any bells?
As people already mentioned, people being surprised by a white dude speaking English and asking questions regarding it is not discrimination. It's ridiculous that you even think that at all. It would be discrimination if they shunned you because they assumed you didn't speak Chinese. Imagine yourself running into a Chinese person at your university who spoke English with no accent. Would you be surprised? Would you "discriminate" against them too?
On August 08 2013 13:19 rauk wrote: every time i see one of your blogs you always act like people owe you something for being able to speak chinese and cast sc2
I don't think any body owes me anything. Look, let me put it to you this way. Because I am white, whenever people see me on stream they think, "Ok, so how do you know this?" And then I have to tell them, "I Speak Chinese." and imagine people's responses to me simply saying that in my stream chat, and my reactions thereof.
The above paragraph is the whole reason why I am apologizing to the community in this blog right now. I get angry. I get angry because of skeptics. These skeptics insult my university education.
Quantic's CheeseHeadLogic, however, does not have to face that discrimination because although he is a bilingual caster (English / Russian), his Russian heritage never comes in to question because he is a Caucasian.
Does that make sense?
On August 08 2013 13:28 garbanzo wrote: As people already mentioned, people being surprised by a white dude speaking English and asking questions regarding it is not discrimination. It's ridiculous that you even think that at all. It would be discrimination if they shunned you because they assumed you didn't speak Chinese. Imagine yourself running into a Chinese person at your university who spoke English with no accent. Would you be surprised? Would you "discriminate" against them too?
On August 08 2013 13:28 garbanzo wrote: As people already mentioned, people being surprised by a white dude speaking English and asking questions regarding it is not discrimination. It's ridiculous that you even think that at all. It would be discrimination if they shunned you because they assumed you didn't speak Chinese. Imagine yourself running into a Chinese person at your university who spoke English with no accent. Would you be surprised? Would you "discriminate" against them too?
On August 08 2013 13:36 Empyrean wrote: Don't take this the wrong way, but I struggle to recall someone I've met who has a thinner skin than you appear to have.
Donno what to say to that. Guess that means I should lighten up.
Enders blogs always confuse me, because people always get so pissed at him in the comments for reasons I cannot comprehend in the slightest. Maybe they're just reading something between the lines that I'm not, I dunno, but people always seem to get angry at him for some reason.
edit: Okay I'm beginning to comprehend it now. Enders, you are a statistical rarity. Very, very, very few white people speak even a little Chinese, much less do it fluently. You belting out a phrase of perfect Chinese to someone is like hearing Stephen Hawking admit to believing the world is flat. You just don't expect it at all. When people express surprise at you speaking Chinese, they are simply recognizing the rarity of a Chinese-speaking Caucasian. They aren't wondering if you're secretly Asian, they aren't implying you're retarded for not learning a more common language and they aren't secretly scheming to deny you opportunities in eSPORTS/business/real estate. If anything, the process that is occurring in their heads is closer to a complement than an insult. Chinese isn't an easy language to learn if you started out with one of the standard Caucasian languages. It takes a lot of effort and smarts to be able to pull it off.
There are a lot of people who I have introduced myself to as a hate-filled mongrol via blogs
Probably not appropriate timing, but it's mongrel.
The reason why I get so angry is because I perceive that I feel discrimination from both hemispheres on the planet. Other white people ask me, "Where did you learn to speak Chinese?" because of course of my Caucasian face.
You are using the word discrimination but I think the word you want is curiosity?
I have to agree with what a lot of people have already said. If you were, say, an acquaintance of mine, and I heard you speaking Chinese, the conversation'd probably go like this.
"What was that you were speaking?" "Chinese." "Holy shit, you speak Chinese?" "Yes." "Like, fluently?" "Yes." "Wow."
That seems discriminatory to you based on what I've read, but in reality, it's me showing genuine interest and curiosity, and also being quite impressed. It's like...what would you say if a friend of yours suddenly busted out awesome breakdancing moves, and you were all "Holy shit, dude, you can breakdance!?" and he then proceeded to tell you that you were discriminating against him by being surprised he knew how to breakdance. But you're not discriminating against him at all, you're impressed at his unusual skill and talent.
Yeah I begin to think you don't even know what discrimination means/ you have a very odd definition of discrimination. God u think ppl ask you question because they're surprised is discriminating? What the hell lol.
It seems like you really care about trying to improve the community, and for that you have my respect. But whether you're aware of it or not these kinds of posts come across as a bit over-the-top and melodramatic. For instance, you titled the thread "This is my last blog" but then didn't really explain why or indicate that you plan on taking some time away from TL... so I have to wonder if you really mean that or are just lashing out about your perceived discrimination.
that isn't discrimination at all. Most western society doesn't teach Chinese in their school for a starter. It would be a shock if they expected you to speak chinese. It's a great conversation starter, I don't see why you think it's a negative thing at all lol As for your speaking, once I watched your cast when my GF (who is from mainland) was beside me, she knew right away that you aren't a local.
There is a difference between feeling insulted/persecuted/discriminated/etc. against, and [/i]being[/i] insulted/persecuted/discriminated/etc. You seem to take offense easily and when it isolates you (emotionally) from other people, then you should start questioning your own perception. You cannot change the world, you can only change yourself. Perception is a tricky thing, as it appears to as as natural and true and one can always find reasons that supports one´s point of view, as one can find reasons against it. It´s important to try both and stay in touch with other people´s views, or great conflicts can arise. To use an extreme example: To a paranoid-schizophrenic persons, his delusions are truth. They come as intuitive and natural as the feel within his own skin.
This blog is entirely baffling. I do not understand how any human being could possibly confuse another person's interest and amazement and curiosity for discrimination, but here it is.
You're like the real life Pesto.
People aren't out to get you, dude. When they stare at you in amazement it's because they're amazed. I hope you figure that out, sincerely. You would be a lot happier.
I don't want to just jump on the bandwagon of the 50 people before me who've already pointed out this but...seriously???
You're like the girl who wears the tiniest short shorts with bright neon-purple letters scribbled from cheek to cheek and then gets offended that people are staring at her ass. You're a white person who speaks chinese and you expect people to not ask you about it? What? The weirdest part about all of this is that in all of your blogs you keep talking about how unique you are (I'm a Caucasian who can speak Chinese!!! I should be getting 6-digit offers to cast every tournament out there) but at the same time you expect to just blend in when you're obviously different? Which one is it?
People have pointed out a lot of valid reasons as to why you come across as a bit of a "douche" as you put it, but from my point of view, there are a few other reasons. Undoubtedly, your Chinese is good, and you know that, which is part of the problem. You have a huge ego, but you're also overly sensitive to everything. As the person above me pointed out at the end of his post, you're looking for both sides of the coin when it comes to attention. Praise for speaking Chinese, searching for discrimination to get the other side of it as well. That's also blatantly obvious to anyone who reads your blogs, hence the annoyance.
Anyway, my main reason for having a hard time giving you the respect you're looking for (and don't think I'm saying you don't deserve respect for your hard work, you undoubtedly do and being a douche or not doesn't change that) is that your ego is clouding your judgement. You claim to be such an expert on Chinese and culture-related issues, and you're so confident in what you know, yet from the point of view of those who have spent much longer periods of time in China than you, a lot of what you're so confident about is actually wrong (I'm including both long-time expats and native Chinese in that). It takes more than a year or so to understand China, far more than that. And honestly, for the amount of time you've spent in China and how good your Chinese is, it baffles me how you can have the attitudes and opinions that you have. To me, you speak as if you're a newly arrived English teacher who somehow or another knows a bit of Chinese. You have a lot to learn, yet you have no concept of that, and you boast that ignorance to be your greatest asset to the community. That's the biggest issue that I have. But, I've never commented on your blogs before because it's really none of my business, as well as the fact that it would kind of make me a bit of a douche too, however since you brought the topic up I thought it might be worth offering my own comments. I don't want to pretend I'm an expert either, but these things I mentioned do stick out like a sore thumb.
China is undoubtedly quite racist, but what you've described isn't racism, and if you REALLY understand China you wouldn't be surprised about people commenting on you speaking Chinese, whether it be in China, Taiwan, or America. You're not as rare as you think though, believe it or not. Chinese has become quite popular amongst foreigners. That said, its still an impressive accomplishment, and people will respond accordingly. If you really understand China, you would know all of what was just mentioned and your attitude should have reacted accordingly by now, yet it hasn't. If you want to be the person you speak of becoming, these are important developments to have.
Either way, good luck. You have admirable motivation and devotion to what you do. It's only your ego and sensitivity getting into your way. Spend a few more years in China and learn some lessons in humility, and you'll be well on your way to accomplishing your dreams.
EDIT: One last thing I wanted to elaborate on... You really need to give up the idea that you're rare and special because you're white and speak Chinese. Yes, that's unusual, but it's not unique by any means. There are a LOT of white people (and people of other colors) in China that speak Chinese, and some far better than you. If you aren't aware of that, that's out of your own ignorance, the same reason why all those Americans you complain about being so shocked at you knowing about China and the language see it as amazing, because they're quite ignorant in that regard as well. However they have an excuse to be ignorant of things related to China. You really don't. Once again, if you really know that much about China, you'd have met many Chinese who have told stories about meeting a foreigner who has amazing Chinese. They're really quite common these days, to the point that those stories are rather annoying.
So just try to understand that, that you aren't quite as special as you think (not that your accomplishments aren't impressive), and I think that will go a very long way towards people liking you more.
you have 2 choices. 1. ask one of your buddies to hit you on the head until you cant speak chinese anymore. 2. man up. ( I mean who cares what total strangers think about you? )
I am myself a caucasian studying at a Asian university (japanese). Of course people are a bit surprised if you speak their language fluently - they don't expect you to be able to. There are very few caucasian people fluent in Chinese/Japanese, so it is a logical assumption. I have no idea of why you believe this to be racism.
I can see why you get slightly irritated at the reaction of how good you are at the language, though, and I partly agree with you. But just find a few friends and hang out with them and they will probably treat you as an equal. The novelty of being a foreigner simply wears off. And you've only been in Chinese countries for less than two years. That's not a long time. You probably give off signals of not being Chinese other than your skin colour. I know I do.
On August 09 2013 15:39 chenchen wrote: Now that you've decided to stop blogging, how are you ever going to get the attention that you've craved so much?
Post on Chinese starcraft forums. No matter what happened here, he will be welcomed. It is the same reason why Ping Fu is treated so differently between Chinese and Americans.
One of those General-advice-from-a-first-glance-post:
You really should talk about these things with a psychologist, not strangers on the Internet. The way you describe yourself, and from what I´ve gathered from your your interactions, that´ll do more harm than good.
You have some issues you need to work through, admitting you have a "problem", or something you simply dislike about yourself as a person is obviously the first step. I´m not going to speculate what might be the root of your issues; however, a professional might be able to put some of the somewhat irrational ideas that you have, about every elses view on you, into perspective.
And help you to rid yourself of a lot of this anxiety that seems to weigh quite heavily on you, likely affecting your judgement and having an impact on your relations.
Changing, bettering yourself, is the hardest thing of all. Also the most rewarding. Best of luck to you, sincerely!
EPT
