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+ Show Spoiler +DISCLAIMER: This blog is poorly constructed, poorly written and most likely nonsensical. I need to write my thoughts down somewhere though, so it may as well be here.
Recently, I've been feeling pretty down. I'm not exactly sure what the main cause for this is, but I think I'm slowly beginning to work it out. I never feel like I fit in. Throughout my entire life, I've always been a 'fringe' friend to a lot of people. Sure they don't mind me, but they would never dare side with me, actively try and hang out with me, or any of those other things friends normally do. This is one of the biggest reasons I've been spending almost all of my free time playing starcraft, dota, or just browsing TL in the past few years.
I keep catching myself wondering how it will affect me in later life. I live in a shitty part of England, and I am pretty sure there are no TL people in the city I live in. Esports events are few and far between, and I have never been able to attend one. This has left me with basically no social experience with people my own age (every two or three weeks I might go to watch a movie or play football with the sme friend), and I worry that I'll slowly become a social recluse, spending all my time on the internet and never getting out and seeing the world around me. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's not the life I want. I can't imagine myself leaving TL in the next few years, if ever, but I feel the need to get out and do traditional 'teenagery' things like shoplift or smoke or something.
I guess you, the reader, may be thinking 'well go and do it you bloody numpty' but for some reason I can't bring myself to pick up the phone or log onto facebook and ask a friend if they want to do something. I was like this even before I discovered TL, I would wait around at home reading or playing some Xbox game, and every so often a local boy would knock on the door and ask if I wanted to play football. I'd oblige, as I really enjoyed it. Some days, the boy never came and my parents encouraged me to seek him out myself. I could never bring myself to do it, despite knowing where he lived and even having his phone number. I have no idea why I have so much trouble taking the initiative and organising something to do with a friend myself.
Maybe I'm just scared of rejection. I don't like the idea that I could ask someone to do something, and they will say no and they will say it in such a way they make it clear they dislike me and all my attempts to befriend them have been futile (you can tell I'm a hit with the ladies). I absolutely hate the idea of people disliking me, even if I dislike them back which is extremely stupid because I know full well you cannot get everyone to like you (unless you're SirJolt). Maybe I should just man the fuck up and stop being afraid of the word no, but it's so much easier to not try at all and just watch more Starcraft, or waste time on IRC. It's easier to pretend I don't care and get denied something, rather than actually try and still get told no.
Goddamn this was rambly Oo
  
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Reading through your previous blogs, I think a lot of it has to do with you being very mature for your age (13, right?). I had a similar problem at your age as I had an extremely hard time connecting with my (very) immature peers at the time.
Also, spending some time as a "social recluse" might not be so bad, for a year or two, you can use the time to pick up new skills or hone those you already poses. You've still got plenty of time to enjoy teenage life ahead of you.
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It's not even I have a hard time connecting with my peers. When I'm in school, usually there are people I get on pretty well with, joke around with and would generally consider my friends but as soon as I'm at home I just can't be bothered socialising. I rely on other people to initiate on me, and they never do.
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
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I would consider trying sports. It's basically automatic friend maker and gives you a feeling of fitting in because you're literally part of a team. I'm very introverted too and pretty much all my friendships came through sports. Makes it a lot easier to get through school.
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Rek you're like a father figure to me want me to get the adoption papers?
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Well realistically, you should never expect other people to initiate stuff for you. If you want something, it should be you taking action. If you desire social activities outside of school, then the only option for you is to initiate it yourself. For example, wouldn't it possible for you to ask your friends in school to meet up after school somewhere? Go to the cinema, play football, anything like that. Joining a sports team sounds like a solid option, so if there's any particular sport you play or think you would enjoy playing, you may want to look into that.
Fear of rejection is a very common thing, but in the end, everybody just wants to belong. It's important to realise that most people won't bother to judge you the way you might judge yourself.
On the other hand, if socializing for the sake of socializing really doesn't do anything for you and you just feel like you should do it because you think that's what people your age should be doing, then don't force yourself into things.
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28087 Posts
On July 15 2013 08:43 kollin wrote:
It's not even I have a hard time connecting with my peers. When I'm in school, usually there are people I get on pretty well with, joke around with and would generally consider my friends but as soon as I'm at home I just can't be bothered socialising. I rely on other people to initiate on me, and they never do.
I had the same problem in high school, and it's the biggest regret of my life. I was friendly with pretty much everyone at school, but I never had that initiative to actively do things outside of school (other than sports). So I just sat home and played guitar for hours upon hours, and the end result? Not a true friend from high school that remained in my life after it was over.
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Hong Kong9153 Posts
I'd say "find alcohol," but that would be corrupting the morality of youth.
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Kollin you just gotta man up! I know you wrote "I guess you, the reader, may be thinking 'well go and do it you bloody numpty'..." but really. There is no but. There is no i can't. You see, there is fail, yes. You may fail today, tomorrow. But you gotta keep trying. Don't stay where you are and be stagnant about it if you want a change. Gotta work on it. Bit by bit.
I challenge you that in this upcoming week you are calling your most fun friend that you like and go out with him and do something. Even if it's just walking around talking shit. Report in one week.
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Lalalaland34490 Posts
On July 15 2013 08:54 kollin wrote:
Rek you're like a father figure to me want me to get the adoption papers?
Move to Korea under the guise of training for SC2, quit for Poker, make tons of money, fuck bitches.
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On July 15 2013 10:20 thOr6136 wrote:
Kollin you just gotta man up! I know you wrote "I guess you, the reader, may be thinking 'well go and do it you bloody numpty'..." but really. There is no but. There is no i can't. You see, there is fail, yes. You may fail today, tomorrow. But you gotta keep trying. Don't stay where you are and be stagnant about it if you want a change. Gotta work on it. Bit by bit.
I challenge you that in this upcoming week you are calling your most fun friend that you like and go out with him and do something. Even if it's just walking around talking shit. Report in one week.
This man is a genius, follow his advice.
Nike might be on to something too.
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find a sport you like and get good at it
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social phobia most likely.
i had / have this for my entire life - in a way worse form than you do (it went as far as not going outside for 2 months, not even to get the newspaper or ANYthing that was outside my own home - i was afraid of being called and stuff like that / huge depression as well while we're at it.)
learn to deal with it, search for help if you cant do so yourself.
I'm way better now, i still dont actively try to connect with my old friends (i truely dont feel the need to do so), but I have a job and activities outside of my job and the internet.
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somebody somewhere posted a story about a guy who was annoyed his friends never asked him out to go golfing when his friend finally told him it was because he never put out the effort. you can't just rely on other people to make plans. how should anyone know you even like them if you can't be bothered to make a plan and include them in it? was essentially the answer. they should just invite you even though they probably don't even know if you two are actually friends? if you don't know, you can rest assured they don't either. cuz you're smart as shit.
also don't take my lack of being able to read the OP as any reflection of my love for you.
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try a week hiatus without teamliquid. See what happens, you may be surprised.
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On July 16 2013 13:02 doner0 wrote:
try a week hiatus without teamliquid. See what happens, you may be surprised.
It's quite hard for me to do this, with WCS being in full spring at the moment :/ Thanks for the advice everybody else though, especially Thor6136, Gene and Firebolt.
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Wow it was like reading a page from my own life. And seeing it as such, I'll tell you what helped me. I'm assuming, since you decided to write this, that every once in a while you get a spark of the resemblance of an idea to do....something. Whether it's asking on facebook if anyone has plans for the weekend, or some sort of vocation. And then you realize that instead of doing those things, you could just do the old tried and true, which while brings you enjoyment, ends up being less fulfilling because it's the same old same old.
Well, it's quite simple then. Not easy mind you, but simple. When the spark arises, act on it. Force yourself to do it, even if you can think of a hundred things that you would rather do a moment later. Eventually these sparks will become more frequent, and easier to act upon.
Maybe I'm way off, but that's what helped me.
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stop using the internet for a month and these problems will go away and youll find yourself doing more things than dicking around on your computer. no one likes people who have one interst
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EPT
