DISCLAIMER: This blog is poorly constructed, poorly written and most likely nonsensical. I need to write my thoughts down somewhere though, so it may as well be here.
Recently, I've been feeling pretty down. I'm not exactly sure what the main cause for this is, but I think I'm slowly beginning to work it out. I never feel like I fit in. Throughout my entire life, I've always been a 'fringe' friend to a lot of people. Sure they don't mind me, but they would never dare side with me, actively try and hang out with me, or any of those other things friends normally do. This is one of the biggest reasons I've been spending almost all of my free time playing starcraft, dota, or just browsing TL in the past few years.
I keep catching myself wondering how it will affect me in later life. I live in a shitty part of England, and I am pretty sure there are no TL people in the city I live in. Esports events are few and far between, and I have never been able to attend one. This has left me with basically no social experience with people my own age (every two or three weeks I might go to watch a movie or play football with the sme friend), and I worry that I'll slowly become a social recluse, spending all my time on the internet and never getting out and seeing the world around me. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's not the life I want. I can't imagine myself leaving TL in the next few years, if ever, but I feel the need to get out and do traditional 'teenagery' things like shoplift or smoke or something.
I guess you, the reader, may be thinking 'well go and do it you bloody numpty' but for some reason I can't bring myself to pick up the phone or log onto facebook and ask a friend if they want to do something. I was like this even before I discovered TL, I would wait around at home reading or playing some Xbox game, and every so often a local boy would knock on the door and ask if I wanted to play football. I'd oblige, as I really enjoyed it. Some days, the boy never came and my parents encouraged me to seek him out myself. I could never bring myself to do it, despite knowing where he lived and even having his phone number. I have no idea why I have so much trouble taking the initiative and organising something to do with a friend myself.
Maybe I'm just scared of rejection. I don't like the idea that I could ask someone to do something, and they will say no and they will say it in such a way they make it clear they dislike me and all my attempts to befriend them have been futile (you can tell I'm a hit with the ladies). I absolutely hate the idea of people disliking me, even if I dislike them back which is extremely stupid because I know full well you cannot get everyone to like you (unless you're SirJolt). Maybe I should just man the fuck up and stop being afraid of the word no, but it's so much easier to not try at all and just watch more Starcraft, or waste time on IRC. It's easier to pretend I don't care and get denied something, rather than actually try and still get told no.
Goddamn this was rambly Oo