EPTMy dad is an evil bastard. He's actually most of the reason I feel so helpless. He's the kind of guy that when his brother sexually harasses my mother and my mother complains to my dad, my dad takes his brothers side even though my dad witnessed the harassment with his own eyes. He's the kind of guy that would promise me 27k of tuition money and then not give it me, and instead use it to pay the bills cuz he couldn't find a job with his engineering degree and job offers being handed to him 2-4 times a day. He hasn't had a full time job since I was in grade 6 (so I guess 8 years), and he says the neighbours are spying on him are trying "to destroy him." The only reason he stopped talking about satellites tracking him and bugs in his house, and tapped phones is because I had a 5 hour argument (where I talked in a normal volume and tone and he was screaming in my face), where at the end of it my body was vibrating. He is the kind of guy that would throw a fit because he doesn't want to buy me new socks even though all of mine have holes in them. If anyone buys something that 4 dollars and we need it (mostly food items) but once in a while (like maybe 3 times a weather season) goes on sale for 3.70, he will yell at you. Since my mom decides what to buy since she runs the kitchen, she gets most of the yelling. He says "thinks like a woman", even though she has a masters in biology (the Indian arranged marriage system is so stupid, more on that later). One time he even told her to dummy down, when my mom was trying to tell my dad that maybe he shouldn't be doing what he should be doing. His entire family is like that (his mom dad brother etc.). Iv head has done dum crap like ditch a job he had a legal commitment to stay for 5 years with, and when the police tried to catch him by showing up to his house, his parents blocked the front of the house and said he doesn't live here anymore. All a bunch of bastards.
My mom told when they were going through the arranged marriage process, my dad's family side had a lot of nice things. One example I remember a car, and in India in those times having a car was a good sing the family had a good reputation and was well to do. When they got married and the tradition is that the lady has to go live with the man's family, she found out that the car was rented (as my dad returned it). Also, dads mom ripped off my moms jewelry off her neck and said "you don't need these." These jewelry pieces were given to my mom by her mom. They are still at my dad's parents house. My mom tried complaining to her mom but you see, my mom's dad was pretty much like my dad and he screwed up my aunts marriage because he kept on saying no to every suitor, until he finally said yes to one (by then my aunt was like 30 something and society really shames woman that aren't married by that age in India), so my mom's mom just didn't want this marriage to break.
And then, when I was 6 months, my dad got a job in Dubai, and then from there we moved to Canada, so basically my dad does whatever he wants to us and my mom has nowhere to escape, and if my mom says that if she goes back to India she will bring shame upon her family and that her family's reputation and that my dad's family's reputation won't matter (but then she also said that the family doesn't have a reputation anyway so...). Btw I don't really understand what the reputation system is so don't ask me, if there are any Indian TLers here that can explain it to me go right ahead.
Another thing is that my dad has also trapped my mom in the marriage by taking sht ton of debt and since it is a joint account my mom will have to pay the tens of thousands of dollars of debt he has acquired. When we first moved to Canada, my dad wouldn't let my mom (or growing up me for that matter) have any friends or have a car. And he will do things to discourage you from gaining success, such as make sure the driving instructor is crappy so that my mom can't learn how to drive a car (but she learned eventually) and then yell at her every time she asks to drive. He does this so that if my mom learns how to drive, she will leave him (but my mom isn't like that, she's an amazing wife). He also told my mom to type out all her emails in word "so that she doesn't use up to much internet" when instead my dad wanted to make sure that she wasn't reporting all the horrible thing my dad does to my mom to her family over the internet. luckily my mom went to the public library and learned how to use a computer and stopped doing that.
And when my dad yells, he just yells about anything, and will emotionally attack you anyway he can so as to try to get you to submit, as if he was trying to submit an animal into obedience. I have 2 hours worth of recordings of him yelling. In these recordings my brother locked the room so he couldn't get in but he kept on yelling, and my brother's comp is seated far away from the door, and his yelling is clear.
And at the same time has been trying to drive my mom to divorce him so that he can marry a woman from Canada, and be another "cool guy Indian immigrant" . I'm starting to suspect that he only married so that it would be easier to immigrate to Canada and that it. Fucking bastard.
Now how does this affect me? Well for the longest time has been trying to drive me out of the house for good, and I know this because he started doing the same thing to my brother (but he stopped this summer for reasons explained later) and my brother said that "I will drive you out of the house when your 16 just as I did with your brother."
Basically, he is subtly abusive so that we can't call some hotline and complain and get him arrested. He is always trying to make it our fault for leaving him. Also he is probably one of those people that aren't trying to abuse the government so they pay all his expenses.
Well somehow I got into engineering so my mom, brother and I that I could just support the 3 of us with my degree job. But who would have known a problem I have been dealing with for years would suddenly be the end of me right before my brother enters high school. Basically, as I stated in my other blogs, I have something called "Isotropic Conversion Insufficiency", and it causes me to become very tired and stressed when im reading. Now for years iv been fighting it mad though it was a side problem because although I sucked at everything (sports/video games/drawing etc..) somehow got good grades, except that one time I went anorexic cuz I went nuts and barely passed the semester. I knew I couldn't see what I was doing in labs sometimes but I thought it wasn't a problem I somehow got good grades. I guess that cuz I had brilliant teachers... the moment the teachers expect you to know everything before you come to class I got screwed up. All the pain and stress and anxiety cuz of thing I've been experiencing throughout the years I thought was normal because people are always complaining about being bored, so I thought this physical pain was boredom, and also I thought, hey im using my head, that must mean it's in pain cuz im using it. Also all the dizziness and therefore aloofness iv been experiencing I thought was because of studying stress, but as I discovered that wasn't it.
I have seen the eye doctor about it as a kid but he just told me to do pencil pushups. My eyes stayed together for a bit and then I went to go play games/read they would just fly off to the side again, which I now understand would cause me pain. And the dizziness and aloofness died down a bit when I first wore my new glasses and stopped doing stuff. For example, as I stated in my last blog, before I would go to the checkout counter and because it was hard to see and the fact that I was pressured to hurry up so I could let the next person in line go, I would vibrate and choke and putting things on the counter or paying with the debit card. When I started using my new glasses almost all of my choking and anxiety just went away bcuz I could see what the prices were and what I was doing. God dam nit something as simple and trivial as grocery shopping is a pin in the ass.
The entire year I was just in my room trying to study. the only reason I didn't tell my mom that I was failing this year was because last summer there was a huge drama my dad created before I was about to leave. Basically he drove me to give him 500 dollars so he could pay the electricity bill, and then he asked for 1500 and I was working a job where I got that much in 3 weeks of hard labour. The moment I told him I was moving out for the school year he stopped asking. The only reason I was able to pay the school fees for year 1 and 2 was bcuz I borrowed 14k from my mom's side of the family. Man they are awesome.
I have a transfer from eng to comp sci from my original school and I have an opening for a business degree at another school. There is no way I can take the comp sci cuz programming is a bitch with this condition. But to take the business degree I have to live at home.... and I havent told my dad yet I have that option. And I told both programs that my dad forced me into eng thats why I failed (well he really didnt let me apply to any other program cuz he was paying for the uni applications).
The only reason he is letting me stay here is because I got the doctors diagnosis about my eye and also I got him to say yes on skype , so I have some proof of him saying yes if this matter ever gets to the police. Also after 3 hours of fighting over skype I got him to give me 5k of the RESP money (after I failed)
So now I am debt (14k from india + 8.5k from student loans), I haven't worked this summer due to my treatment of this thing, and my dad used 11k out of the RESP so bcuz it counts as income, the stuent loans centre thinks I earned almost 20k even though I earned only 6k from my summer jobs last summer, so now I have to deal with that, I lied to both schools so I could get an escape path, my dad is gonna try to kick me out after the summer if he isnt fine with the business thing... There will probably be huge fights. The only reason I havent said anything is because my mom is stressed out like crazy and she asked me not to ask yet, do it at the end of the summer. In 2 years hes gonna start trying to drive my brother away and I dont know how I can support him if I cant even handle labour jobs cuz of this thing. There are probably more things but I cant read through my entire blog post, but I believe this will be suffice. It was tiring to type this out, and I did it very slowly so that my eyes dont fly off.
My mom is too scared about the surgery cuz she read this:
http://www.visiontherapy.ca/strab_surgery_risks.html so idk if there is a cure. And even if I get the surgery they said they cant guarantee binocular eye sight.
My only skill is that I can type 60 wpm with my eyes closed....
Iv wrote about other problems on here with various other accounts in since 2007 (mostly about how I suck at starcraft no matter how hard I try but how r u going to play if you can see right.
I really dont have friends cuz well if you dont do anything/suck at everything its pretty hard to earn respect from people. Also I would just become proud of the slightest finished task and brag about it as an impulsive way to earn some worth. Now that I flunked out of eng everyone just treats me like crap.
wtf do I do now
