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Hey TL,
I've been travelling across the country a lot lately, working as a cop in big cities. Lately I've been stuck in New York. And you think "New York's probably got a lot of crime, do you deal with a lot of gangs and post-9/11 bomb threats, all that good stuff?" Well it isn't good stuff, but I still wish I could have some more of it just to make my job interesting.
The way things have been going lately, there isn't even a lot to do. I'm a big guy, as strong as they get, or at least that's what the other guys on the force tell me. Haven't seen anyone stronger. And what do they have me do? Take cats out of trees, stand in front of buses so an oblivious old lady doesn't meet St. Peter a decade too soon.
Which I guess is part of "the daily grind", although they should really fix those ads. Maybe once or twice I've actually dealt with robberies, and probably the most exciting day in my career was some nutcase realtor who we locked away. I don't know what the hell kind of drugs he was on, but at least the way he saw the world was entertaining. I just see a dead-end job.
And now with the recession, we've got budget cuts. Even though crime is going down, New York is a huge place. The island of Manhattan alone has over two million souls living on it, and some of them are going to need assistance from the NYPD sooner or later. So we cut down the number of phones, and when we get a lot of calls the dispatchers can't manage (Christmas tends to be popular for bums to start getting adventurous), I shit you not, they have me go on top of our various offices, stand there, and look around for crime.
It's a good thing they fired the idiot who came up with that because if you're telling me I'm going to stop a murder because I just saw it happen on the roof of a thirty-story building... I'm fairly strong, and I can run pretty fast, but nothing is infinite. You see a lot of the movies where people are grandstanding, revealing their plans to the people they're going to kill, or wait patiently for the hero to show up. Hell, I've been the hero, being in the right place at the right time, and as soon as they know they're not getting out, the hostage always goes first.
And when I do pull off something spectacular, the pay is still shit. After all, it doesn't change, and whether I'm pulling a cat out of a tree or land on a car so hard that my weight actually dents the hood (and usually dents the underpants of the driver as well), a job is still a job. Could've been worse though, back when I was young and working in Kansas City, the assholes just got together and in unison said thank you, as if I don't even need money.
I've gotten drunk and pissed in phone booths before. They're taking away the phonebooths so I have to hold it in longer, but somehow I manage. This one time, I was in there, and some scared-looking guy - had a few notepads in his jacket, could've been some sort of writer or journalist, threw open the door and ran in.
I don't know what his deal was, but the sight of this giant guy taking a piss, a complete wreck, didn't scare him. I'm pretty sure I showed up to work with my underwear outside my pants this day, although nobody really said anything. When you're my size nobody wants to correct you, even if you're drunk and look like a clown. But yeah, he comes in, and my bladder is sufficiently empty so I go out. His stoner girlfriend, probably more out of touch with reality than I was at that point, thinks I'm him and tries to get my attention. I just gather whatever self-respect I have, nod, and leave.
But the biggest reason I want to die is even when I'm doing my crappy job, people give me the worst possible shit they can muster. The next time I'm on my way to stop a crime, and some asshole points at me and says I'm a bird or a plane again, God as my witness, I will drop to the ground, find them, and shove my Kryptonian fist up their anus.
  
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United States5162 Posts
Went full time into law enforcement, huh? I can see how you could of thought it'd be better than the day job at the paper, but the grass is always greener man.
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I hate to take joy in your misfortune, but it was hilarious reading this blog
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@op: u take absolutely no joy in helping humans?
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On June 30 2013 03:03 Incze wrote:
I hate to take joy in your misfortune, but it was hilarious reading this blog
Yeah, I found " I shit you not, they have me go on top of our various offices, stand there, and look around for crime" pretty funny. Sounds like you need to learn to run faster.
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On June 30 2013 03:22 LamaMitHut wrote:
@op: u take absolutely no joy in helping humans?
I'd take more joy in it if people didn't take it for granted, as if being in mortal danger is a minor inconvenience that, once they're out of, should be brushed aside. Or an actual monetary reward. A man needs food. Hell, I'd even be satisfied with receiving just one of these two consistently.
I've been asking every new chief that shows up if he can fire some of the useless guys that hang around and pretend to be competent, and then give me their paychecks, but they keep acting like I don't have a use for the money. Also they ran out of funding for lawyers.
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Somehow your depression makes me feel a little better. There are other people suffering poor jobs or no jobs along with me. Well at least you have one...hopefully you can transition into something else. Maybe like casino security? I would think it would be a lot of fun in a casino, assuming there's work to be had. Good luck!!!
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Keep in mind that being a police officer means you have a high chance of being in harm's way. Every officer knows that. They accept that for a fact and do it for the greater good. It's not about yourself. While you may have found yourself bored on multiple occasions, you must do your best and be alert and ready to help. If your superior tells you to walk around in circles, don't complain, just walk around in circles and get the job done. It isn't about the pay, and it isn't about the adventure. It is about helping others and preparing yourself for your next chance to provide assistance.
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You guys are making good points but... you realize the narrator is meant to be Superman right?
But the biggest reason I want to die is even when I'm doing my crappy job, people give me the worst possible shit they can muster. The next time I'm on my way to stop a crime, and some asshole points at me and says I'm a bird or a plane again, God as my witness, I will drop to the ground, find them, and shove my Kryptonian fist up their anus.
I can't say Metropolis without making it too obvious, so I just changed it to New York because that's what all the movies use anyway. It's also Gotham City once in a while.
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Dammit I suspected that but feared being wrong since it would be insensitive. 
Nicely done !
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On June 30 2013 04:53 Bibbit wrote:Dammit I suspected that but feared being wrong since it would be insensitive. Nicely done !
It's all good, doubting yourself is the whole idea of my blog!
Also I was inspired by this 
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For some reason, the expression "I shit you not" always has me laughing until I have to stop from the pain. I just cannot read it or hear it without bursting in incontrollable laughter
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United States5162 Posts
On June 30 2013 04:48 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:You guys are making good points but... you realize the narrator is meant to be Superman right? Show nested quote +But the biggest reason I want to die is even when I'm doing my crappy job, people give me the worst possible shit they can muster. The next time I'm on my way to stop a crime, and some asshole points at me and says I'm a bird or a plane again, God as my witness, I will drop to the ground, find them, and shove my Kryptonian fist up their anus. I can't say Metropolis without making it too obvious, so I just changed it to New York because that's what all the movies use anyway. It's also Gotham City once in a while.
I guess my comment wasn't obvious enough either. That or they didn't read it.
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On June 30 2013 05:36 Myles wrote:Show nested quote +On June 30 2013 04:48 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:You guys are making good points but... you realize the narrator is meant to be Superman right? But the biggest reason I want to die is even when I'm doing my crappy job, people give me the worst possible shit they can muster. The next time I'm on my way to stop a crime, and some asshole points at me and says I'm a bird or a plane again, God as my witness, I will drop to the ground, find them, and shove my Kryptonian fist up their anus. I can't say Metropolis without making it too obvious, so I just changed it to New York because that's what all the movies use anyway. It's also Gotham City once in a while. I guess my comment wasn't obvious enough either. That or they didn't read it.
Probably the latter, it was quite subtle though
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b& plz
User was temp banned for this post.
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Lol always nice stories man. You got a talent for this.
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On June 30 2013 04:48 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:You guys are making good points but... you realize the narrator is meant to be Superman right? Show nested quote +But the biggest reason I want to die is even when I'm doing my crappy job, people give me the worst possible shit they can muster. The next time I'm on my way to stop a crime, and some asshole points at me and says I'm a bird or a plane again, God as my witness, I will drop to the ground, find them, and shove my Kryptonian fist up their anus. I can't say Metropolis without making it too obvious, so I just changed it to New York because that's what all the movies use anyway. It's also Gotham City once in a while.
Who's Superman? I thought the narrator was Tassadar.
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I wasn't sure whether to feel sorry for you or to laugh uncontrollably from the writing style. After your revealing comment, I can now rest in peace that cracking up at my computer was the correct choice.
Well done! Thanks for the laugh. 
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Why did you become a cop, you could have seen this coming you know.
When I decided to become a teacher I didn't have the illusion that kids would like me either... :D
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...the amount of people who didnt grasp this blog is almost as hillarious as the blog itself.
Nice read, had me fooled untill the last paragraph :D
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"my underwear outside my pants this day" that gave it away for the most part. It was well written, although some of the grammar mistakes and the odd jumping of 'tenses' detracted from it.
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On June 30 2013 15:44 Callynn wrote:
Why did you become a cop, you could have seen this coming you know.
When I decided to become a teacher I didn't have the illusion that kids would like me either... :D
I always fancied fighting for truth, justice, and the American way
On June 30 2013 16:19 Capped wrote:
...the amount of people who didnt grasp this blog is almost as hillarious as the blog itself.
Nice read, had me fooled untill the last paragraph :D
It's great though, now I can answer everyone in character!
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On June 30 2013 04:48 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:You guys are making good points but... you realize the narrator is meant to be Superman right? Show nested quote +But the biggest reason I want to die is even when I'm doing my crappy job, people give me the worst possible shit they can muster. The next time I'm on my way to stop a crime, and some asshole points at me and says I'm a bird or a plane again, God as my witness, I will drop to the ground, find them, and shove my Kryptonian fist up their anus. I can't say Metropolis without making it too obvious, so I just changed it to New York because that's what all the movies use anyway. It's also Gotham City once in a while.
not going to lie... it took me a while... but by ur 2nd response was like "ya so hes superman?"
wasnt too clear tho lolol
"its a bird its a plane" reference included... thought u were just alluding to u being tall..
but the more i thought about it... was like... i think this is superman demanding monetary compensation for being a super hero...
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On July 01 2013 08:48 MaestroSC wrote:Show nested quote +On June 30 2013 04:48 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:You guys are making good points but... you realize the narrator is meant to be Superman right? But the biggest reason I want to die is even when I'm doing my crappy job, people give me the worst possible shit they can muster. The next time I'm on my way to stop a crime, and some asshole points at me and says I'm a bird or a plane again, God as my witness, I will drop to the ground, find them, and shove my Kryptonian fist up their anus. I can't say Metropolis without making it too obvious, so I just changed it to New York because that's what all the movies use anyway. It's also Gotham City once in a while. not going to lie... it took me a while... but by ur 2nd response was like "ya so hes superman?" wasnt too clear tho lolol "its a bird its a plane" reference included... thought u were just alluding to u being tall.. but the more i thought about it... was like... i think this is superman demanding monetary compensation for being a super hero...
I mean yeah he's technically an alien, but aliens still need to eat and poop, don't they? I don't think he just saves lives 24/7, he has to have some sort of down-time.
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Hahaha this is brilliant. Thank you for this, genuinely made a shitty day better.
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what made me most suspicious was a cop playing sc, cops play call of duty
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On July 01 2013 10:58 Frits wrote:
what made me most suspicious was a cop playing sc, cops play call of duty
Yes, but Superman plays League of Legends
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On July 01 2013 10:59 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:Show nested quote +On July 01 2013 10:58 Frits wrote:
what made me most suspicious was a cop playing sc, cops play call of duty Yes, but Superman plays League of Legends
I can only come to 2 conclusions from this:
1) You are Tassadar and you are spoilering the plot line for a future (custom?) protoss campaign in which Tassadar and Superman meet and must fight against/with the League of Legends.
or....
2) You are talking about yourself in the third person? 
+ Show Spoiler +and are spoilering the plot line for a future Superman comic/episode in which he must fight against/with the LoL.
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On July 01 2013 11:22 3FFA wrote:Show nested quote +On July 01 2013 10:59 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:On July 01 2013 10:58 Frits wrote:
what made me most suspicious was a cop playing sc, cops play call of duty Yes, but Superman plays League of Legends I can only come to 2 conclusions from this: 1) You are Tassadar and you are spoilering the plot line for a future (custom?) protoss campaign in which Tassadar and Superman meet and must fight against/with the League of Legends. or.... 2) You are talking about yourself in the third person? + Show Spoiler +and are spoilering the plot line for a future Superman comic/episode in which he must fight against/with the LoL.
Well here's a secret
+ Show Spoiler +The League of Legends is actually the Justice League crowdsourcing its evil-fighting techniques to the rest of the world, the champions are all lesser-heard members or major heroes under a different name
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EPT
