I’ve struck a blow against injustice TL! I realize though that this needs some backstory. Allow me to provide.
It all started last week. I had just spilled some coke on my favorite shirt. I figured the shirt would last at least another week before I had to take it off and wash it, but I was still thirsty. I reached for another can in my pile of cokes that I made at the corner of my desk. I realized however that that was my coke graveyard pile. Damn! As I rolled my computer chair past all the trash and into the kitchen to raid the fridge for another can, I realized that the fridge was empty! Someone must have broken into my house and raided my fridge! Oh despair!
I thought that now was probably a good time to head to the store and restock on my emergency supplies. Fortunately it was 4 in the morning, so neighbor Jeff wouldn’t be awake to see me siphoning some of his gas to fill my car with. Luck seemed to be paying me multiple visits today though. Not only did Jeff not replace his broken car window from the last time I broke it, but he even left some money for me in the glove compartment. Score!
After siphoning off the gas that I needed from Jeff’s car, which happened to be all of it, I went to the store to resupply my rations. I filled up my grocery cart with all the coke they had in the store. Unfortunately I came a day before they restocked, so I was only able to buy about a dozen of those 12-pack containers. As I rode my grocery cart up to the cashier and started watching her unload the cart by herself, I caught something out of the corner of my eye. A person a few lanes over was drinking something. I squinted my eyes to see what it was.
“COKE!” I screamed. I hurdled over the checkout lanes toward the bastard like an olympic superstar. He saw me, in my 400 lb glory, shoving my fatass over those lanes and ran. He dropped the coke in the store and got into his car and drove off. I would have to return and give it a proper burial later, but now was not the time. I got in my car and started chasing him down. There was no doubt in my mind. This is the man that broke in and raided my fridge. He was drinking a coke after all!
I’m sure the man noticed me following him for the first mile, but he probably thought he lost me when he boarded that plane at the airport. The fool! He had no idea who he was dealing with. I managed to stay out of his line of sight as I bought a ticket and took the seat a few rows behind him on the plane.
We landed in New York after a grueling flight. The person I sat next to kept bothering me because she didn’t like me resting my head on her lap. The nerve! I followed Mr. Coke thief as he exited the airport and checked into a nearby hotel. Through some crafty flirting with the receptionist, I got her to hand me an identical key to Coke Thief’s room as long as I promised never to show her my face again. This was the moment I had been waiting for. I went upstairs, unlocked his door and slammed it open. He was sitting there watching tv and drinking a coke he picked up from the lobby. I must have startled him for he dropped his coke on the ground in sheer terror. I said a silent prayer for the can and looked him straight in the eye.
“Oh shit, it’s you again!” He said in alarm.
“Didn’t expect to see me now did you?”
He knew what he had done. We both did. I smashed an empty coke bottle on the TV and held the sharp weapon out in front of me.
“What do you want from me!?!” he screamed. He backed out onto the balcony and started crying.
“I think you know” I said. Finally, after a long silence, the thief opened his mouth and said something.
“...I’m...I’m sorry I stole all your cokes!”
I pushed him over the railing.
“Sorry wont replace my cokes.”
And that TL, is how I struck a blow against injustice. Nobody treats Epishade like shit and gets away with it, lest they are prepared to face the consequences.
On June 02 2013 04:03 Archas wrote: I prefer Dr. Pepper. I figure he knows what he's doing more than Pepsi or Coke. He has a doctorate, after all.
No love for Mr. Pibb I see.
Mr. Pibb is merely an unlettered cousin to Dr. Pepper. Shocking, really, that the two are so closely connected when there are a host of interns and residences under Dr. Pepper. (Drs. Thunder, Wham, Riffic, and Chek.)
That was a perfectly reasonable and rational response, though I think you may have let the bastard off a little easy. I mean, death is appropriate for stealing coke, as long as they don't steal your LAST coke. If they steal your LAST coke, they should beg for death.
Oh my god epishade. I didn't know you were 400 pounds or that you dranks o much coke! You really ought to stop its so bad for you're health. And dontt you know its weird to rest you're head on someone on a plane i mean comeon personal spac man.
On June 02 2013 12:52 jrkirby wrote: Oh my god epishade. I didn't know you were 400 pounds or that you dranks o much coke! You really ought to stop its so bad for you're health. And dontt you know its weird to rest you're head on someone on a plane i mean comeon personal spac man.
I'm also an extremely ignorant serial killer psychopath with a knack for ruining people's days if you read my other blogs.
I literally just came from Facebook where a friend posted "I´m on vacation. Apparently I walked into the wrong store. Because now owe someone money for some "coke" I´ve allegedly stolen."
EPT
