Writing this makes me feel like a gossip columnist... but I guess this is as good a place as any to ask
My older brother brought home his girlfriend (we'll call her Jenny) of about six months for two days of Lunar New Year merriment with my family. This turned out to be a mistake. My parents (especially my mom) morphed from slightly high-strung but decent folks into judgmental balls of spite that would make the alpha bitch from Mean Girls look like Mother Teresa.
To better understand this, it's important to note how they react, I guess. My dad is the agreeable guy in the family. His personality is a little bit like a flexy-straw, but he does tend to get passionately argumentative. My mom's a lot more demanding, but overall a person who very much believes in the fundamental good nature of humanity. She gets really unhappy when people display what she considers immoral or amoral behavior (which was the root of most her and my own conflict growing up).
The details are pretty irrelevant here, but apparently my mom was unimpressed at the Jenny's lack of educational, organizational, culinary, or cleaning skills, and was basically pulling her hair out the entire weekend as she tried to figure out how serious my brother was with her. (Hint: my brother's just dating Jenny for the easy lays, but he doesn't really like to talk to my parents about his emotional life.) For example:
Jenny was standing around in the kitchen, and asked my mom if there was any work to do (as in kitchen tasks). Her Chinese is pretty terrible, so her question sounded like she needed to find a job in Mandarin. My mom immediately responded, "Oh, is that so? It might be hard for you to find one with your degree..."
All five of us went on a hiking trip. My mom immediately started peppering Jenny about her family--about her parents' divorce, her stepfather's alcoholism, and her mom's and her own lack of educational achievement--for a whole hour, repeatedly asking the same thing even when she had already answered the question. To Jenny's credit, she didn't cry, although she was getting pretty distraught. My brother pretended to sleep through the whole thing.
After Jenny left, my parents called my brother (who is in his late twenties) for three hours, where, presumably, they were voicing their 'concerns and advice' regarding Jenny.
My parents have never, ever, ever judged any of the four girls I've brought home. I always took this to mean that they were pretty laid back about the type of girls we ended up dating, but it seems based on Jenny that they're not. I've heard some pretty horrible stories about mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law dynamics in Chinese families before, and I'd rather avoid any unneeded friction.
What do you do when your parents start judging your girlfriend as a prospective daughter-in-law?
Well your older brother, from what I could gather, is most likely in his late 20's or early 30's..which is prime time for marrying in Asian families. So, naturally your mother is going to look at any potential daughter in laws like a hawk and make absolutely sure that the girl in question is suitable for stability and familial virtues.
I think next time you or your brother(s) bring a girl home, they should probably make it clear whether they plan to marry or not. Especially if you're of marrying age.
Source: am Asian as well. Asian families are infamous for putting pressure on school, but I think pressure for marrying is even worse x_x
I respectfully told my family, "You either show her the same respect you show me, or we can go our separate ways. I will not allow my wife to be disrespected in this way by you or anyone else."
It worked for me, but the culture(?) in my family is such that spouses come before everyone else including your parents.
Just don't bring any back home until you know they are the one. If they love her great. If not then you only have to fight one battle and since she is the one then you'll always win that battle unless your folks are really really nuts.
Mom's will almost always hate on GF's of their son. I'm Chinese and a first son, but my parents have always been cool with girls I bring home/introduce them too. Your mom just being overly protective and a lil nasty because of that.
"What do you do when your parents start judging your girlfriend as a prospective daughter-in-law?" Be afraid, be very afraid. "my brother's just dating Jenny for the easy lays," too funny and probably answers the prospective daughter in-law question
He could uhh you know stand up for her. Why doesnt this happen? If my parents ever wanted to be part of my life, they would cut that shit out real fast.
my mom would just cockblock me the whole time and probably love any girl I brought home but make fun of me. to girl: "How'd you end up with THAT nerd [me]? Did he even tell you he watches koreans play brood war?"
and if it was serious (like gf of 2 years or close-to-marriageable girl) out would come the childhood stories.
I think it's just very interesting to note (for those generalizing about asian mothers, whether it's true or not) that Shady's parents never voiced concerns about Shady's girlfriends. Well...maybe it's because they thought Shady wasn't serious but they think his older brother is serious about that girlfriend, even though (as mentioned int he OP) the brother just wanted an easy lay or whatever.
Don't bring any girls home until you are ready to get married in your late thirties, then your parents will be so happy you have brought someone home to meet them, they won't care who it is.
On February 12 2013 12:21 deathly rat wrote: Don't bring any girls home until you are ready to get married in your late thirties, then your parents will be so happy you have brought someone home to meet them, they won't care who it is.
LOL that's a slick one haha. Makes sense. "My goodness, why won't he/she marry?! It's getting so late!!"
On February 12 2013 12:21 deathly rat wrote: Don't bring any girls home until you are ready to get married in your late thirties, then your parents will be so happy you have brought someone home to meet them, they won't care who it is.
I was expecting my parents to turn into what you had here. Granted I'm much younger, and 1 year relationship. That said, its a pretty serious relationship for the age, and my parents ended up loving my girlfriend and her family enjoys my company. My family has never done anything like that to her, her family has done stuff like that to me, except it wasn't them as much as just asking me who I am and such the first time I went to their house. I'll be honest, the only real thing I've ever had like this is my grandmother avoiding my gf because the doesn't want me to grow up and my dad telling me that she should convert to my families religion. Your parents definitely put on the traditional asian in-law hats for this. EDIT: Wait, why did your bro bring this girl home if he is in it to get it in? Seems like that is kind of counter-intuitive since it is much easier to keep it romantic if he keeps everything between them rather than opening it up so that the relationship encompasses more people. I sense your brother has made a grave mistake .
I have never understood why some parents behave this way; they should understand that they really don't have the power in this relationship. If my wife and my mother didn't get along, the only thing that would change is that we would visit less often, and my mother would see her son and (more importantly) grand children less often. My mother realized this when we were still kids, and was always careful not to try to play (anti- ) matchmaker. Maybe your mom could use a (gentle, kind) reminder of this?
You cannot change that, some parents, especially mothers are just like that and it won't change in 90% of cases.
BTW, how can You pretend Your sleeping throughout the whole thing when Your mother is 'attacking' girlfriend You brought home with You? Jesus I can't even imagine, either Your brother doesn't give a fuck about her or he's a shy pussy. You always cover back of Your g/f not allowing Your mother to offend her in any situation. At least that's how my friends always behaved, because I've never had problems with mom and my g/f.
I'm not Chinese and so I imagine family culture for me is quite different, but my parents are free to judge girls I bring home. After all, they are entitled to their own opinions. However, if they start actively "harassing"(I guess we could call it that in your brother's case), I'd tell them to cut it right there. If the relationship is not serious I might consider clarifying that; but I'm not really comfortable discussing my emotions with my parents, either.
I guess, in general, I'd just hope that the mother-girlfriend chemistry works.
On February 12 2013 08:21 Shady Sands wrote: What do you do when your parents start judging your girlfriend as a prospective daughter-in-law?
You tell them you're old enough to make your own choices (almost being 30 should be a clue) and to stfu. This is not only massively disrespectful towards the girl but to your brother too.
Well, imo parents should be happy as long as their child is happy, this aint anything they should care about that way since its actually ur choice (if she's not some WT hippie etc then ofc they can have something to blame)
Never had any issues about my parents and girlfriends so i can't add anything though
On February 12 2013 16:55 Zealously wrote: I'm not Chinese and so I imagine family culture for me is quite different, but my parents are free to judge girls I bring home. After all, they are entitled to their own opinions. However, if they start actively "harassing"(I guess we could call it that in your brother's case), I'd tell them to cut it right there. If the relationship is not serious I might consider clarifying that; but I'm not really comfortable discussing my emotions with my parents, either.
I guess, in general, I'd just hope that the mother-girlfriend chemistry works.
+1, if it doesnt work then it will suck, but i do for sure think that in a swedish family they pretty much adapt and will try to appreciate the girlfriend
So you describe your mom: "but overall a person who very much believes in the fundamental good nature of humanity. She gets really unhappy when people display what she considers immoral or amoral behavior (which was the root of most her and my own conflict growing up)." And then the next part is about her picking on your brothers girlfriend, in a situation which probably is very uncomfortable just as it is (visiting gf/bf's parents first time etc.). It doesn't make sense, but the way of moms can't be explained logical i guess. Anyways, you should always stand up against your parents in a situation like this, you are not a child anymore and you shouldn't tolerate things like this. Imagine if it was the other way around, they would get so mad.
More than anything else I recommend you to NOT become like your parents.
You walked half that way since you recognize your mother's behaviour but you fail to confront or even stop her from abusing a guest and a girl in very vulnerable situations where she even offered her help and was close to crying.
Inappropriate to talk down about someone like that. Even if it was a stranger. The goal was just to mock the girl. Parents should not behave like that. At least not in front of the subject. They could at least have talked like that when she left to show some respect.
I would tell her "One more sentence in that tone, and we're both leaving. You're being hostile to someone who is dear to me. If you really love me, you will accept her when it's clear I accepted her."
As a middle male child in a Chinese family I can just say that your girlfriends don't matter. Oldest son gets most of the burden of producing the next male in the family and why your mom turned psycho. I myself married a white girl and all my mom cared about what what school she went to. But white girls have nice birthing hips (rough translation for sure)
Ps - when I read te thread title I thought it would be about you marrying your sister. >_>
Also it could be that because you're younger it could be they don't see your girlfriends as prospective wives, but your older brother's they do. Anyways if that girl didn't already leave your brother than nothing's going to drive her away and he might wanna cut ties now if he's not serious. Otherwise should turn into one of those psycho clingy hyper dependent girls that he won't be able to get rid of.
Since I never had this problem because I nipped it in the butt early on(why don't you bring your girlfriends over anymore? Well...remember that ONE time....) That said even though your brother doesn't want to "marry" her and is just using her for easy poontang the advice is mute, but should he of wanted to marry her, I'd kindly remind them that he can just as easily not marry anyone ever and kill the blood line since it is his "job" to have the first male son since he was the first male son, .
I've never had this issue myself, my and my mum really don't get along well (we are better now but thats mainly cause I don't give a shit anymore and don't rise to the bait) and I tell all my gf's that we dont get along. All of them without fail have spent most of the time with my mum ripping the shit out of me and laughing about the stupid things I do, this gievs them a great bond and make my mum like them.
so I would suggest that if you get along with your mum, get ur gf to be nice about you, if you dont get along with ur mum, get her to take the piss out of you. If these things don't work, tell your mum to get her nose out of your love life, and then make some comment about how your dad's mum doesn't like her!
Sorry, but your mother just sounds horrible (not generally, but here). It's a shame so many parents have to be this way when "their little baby" is somehow threatened in their mother-bear/father-of-the-pride mind. One guy here said "tell her off" in so many words, but I'd expect anybody so brazen to not give a damn and just take it out more on you.
This is a job for your brother. He needs to tell your mother that she already got to pick a mate, and that he's not seeking her full-fledged "approval" in this way.
And god, I hope he doesn't bring this girl by again any time soon, it sounds like she's nice.
How embarrassing. Stuff like this makes me sick to my stomach.
Chinese moms look for someone with a graduate degree in a useful major at a school with >20% Asian+Jewish population, 3.9+ GPA, 1-2 instruments at state orchestra levels, culinary expertise in 2-3 nations, and not fat. Oh yea, coming from money helps cover up all the previous requirements.
YouTube: Shit Asian Moms say :-D but as my dad said to my sister: "你可以嫁給任何人，只要他不黑"
Most non-chinese people that read this thread would probably say to the mom to stfu. What they don't understand is that there is a distinct generational gap between chinese youth today vs their parents. This is not just the age thing. This is age + social context + culture clash. For most western people it is only the age gap that separates them from the parents in terms of understanding each other. You might have ipods, lcd tv and drive a modern car. They had tape, 17 inch crt tvs and a car from the 60s/70s. But essentially the mindset would be pretty similar.
This is completely different in to the chinese situation. Our parents grew up during the Mao's China. Cultural revolution, north koreanesque propaganda (thats where the north koreans got it from) mixed with traditional chinese beliefs (prejudice). Them trying to understand the new more open china in the framework of what they grew up with is the reason you get hilarious results like
On February 13 2013 03:46 Burrfoot wrote: but as my dad said to my sister: "你可以嫁給任何人，只要他不黑"
On February 13 2013 09:03 sths wrote: Most non-chinese people that read this thread would probably say to the mom to stfu. What they don't understand is that there is a distinct generational gap between chinese youth today vs their parents. This is not just the age thing. This is age + social context + culture clash. For most western people it is only the age gap that separates them from the parents in terms of understanding each other. You might have ipods, lcd tv and drive a modern car. They had tape, 17 inch crt tvs and a car from the 60s/70s. But essentially the mindset would be pretty similar.
This is completely different in to the chinese situation. Our parents grew up during the Mao's China. Cultural revolution, north koreanesque propaganda (thats where the north koreans got it from) mixed with traditional chinese beliefs (prejudice). Them trying to understand the new more open china in the framework of what they grew up with is the reason you get hilarious results like
On February 13 2013 03:46 Burrfoot wrote: but as my dad said to my sister: "你可以嫁給任何人，只要他不黑"
This.
Although my parents were always pretty liberal for Asian parents--in high school, as long as we got decent grades, they let us stay out late, they didn't freak out if we dated girls, and when my mom found a bong 2nd year of college all I got was one lecture about "avoiding drugs because they could hurt your chances of finding a good job". And past graduation, they've been pretty supportive about the crazier life choices both my brother and I have pursued, such as dropping out of consulting to start a company or dropping out of trading to do poker full time for a half year.
I guess that's why their recent reaction was so surprising. It was like... "yay I was blessed with chill parents" --> "omfg why are they all of a sudden so passive-aggressive and psycho?"
Come to think of it, the one time I mentioned I was getting real friendly with a Jewish lawyer girl (who was three years older than me) was probably the only time I've seen my parents care about my romantic prospects. They were super excited, lol.
On February 13 2013 12:39 Random_0 wrote: Why would your brother bring home someone who's only there for "easy lays"? That's a mistake he won't repeat again.
Because he wanted to shack up with her over the holiday? They spent a night at a hotel together.
If you're a good student in law/med/finance and you have cooking/cleaning skills, I think the vast majority of asian parents will be satisfied
so basically i'm doomed
lol it's okay kiett, you will find someone who won't pretend to be asleep if/when his parents are judging you (assuming you want to date a Chinese and/or asian dude)
If you're a good student in law/med/finance and you have cooking/cleaning skills, I think the vast majority of asian parents will be satisfied
so basically i'm doomed
lol it's okay kiett, you will find someone who won't pretend to be asleep if/when his parents are judging you (assuming you want to date a Chinese and/or asian dude)
she can always solve it with some creativity, $20 at her local Kinko's, plus the cost of the nice paperstock diplomas and transcripts are printed on
Your brother should have pulled your mom aside and tell her that he's in love with this girl and hope that she would ease off. If she supported you guys with career choices, I am sure she'll support you guys in relationship choices. No parents forbid their kids from falling in love. It may take time but as long as your brother show that he is serious to your mom, she will eventually ease up.
But I'm sure this is something many a dad has said in some form to any specific groups (religious, ethnic, fan of a specific team, etc)
Tony Soprano concurs:
"So we do understand each other...you're a dintsum"
"Excuse me?"
"A charcoal briquette... a mulignan..."
"What's your problem?"
"I think you know what my problem is. You see, your little friend up there, she didn't do you any favors bringing you into this house. Now, I have no idea what the fuck she was thinking, but we'll get to that later. See, I got business associates who are black, and they don't want my son with their daughters, and I don't appreciate their sons with mine."
Whatever, that doesn't make it cool. Sopranos is a BS show anyway that paints a gross stereotype of Italian-Americans (speaking as an Italian-American). I can assure you we aren't all the spawn of racists with mob ties.
On February 15 2013 08:27 pigmanbear wrote: Whatever, that doesn't make it cool. Sopranos is a BS show anyway that paints a gross stereotype of Italian-Americans (speaking as an Italian-American). I can assure you we aren't all the spawn of racists with mob ties.
I know, I know, that only happens if you're both Italian-American and from Jersey.
Just kidding--all NJ Italian-Americans look like this
On February 15 2013 08:27 pigmanbear wrote: Whatever, that doesn't make it cool. Sopranos is a BS show anyway that paints a gross stereotype of Italian-Americans (speaking as an Italian-American). I can assure you we aren't all the spawn of racists with mob ties.
I know, I know, that only happens if you're both Italian-American and from Jersey.
Just kidding--all NJ Italian-Americans look like this
Wow, I won't mince words: What a racist piece of shit you are. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
On February 15 2013 08:27 pigmanbear wrote: Whatever, that doesn't make it cool. Sopranos is a BS show anyway that paints a gross stereotype of Italian-Americans (speaking as an Italian-American). I can assure you we aren't all the spawn of racists with mob ties.
I know, I know, that only happens if you're both Italian-American and from Jersey.
Just kidding--all NJ Italian-Americans look like this
Wow, I won't mince words: What a racist piece of shit you are. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
On February 15 2013 08:27 pigmanbear wrote: Whatever, that doesn't make it cool. Sopranos is a BS show anyway that paints a gross stereotype of Italian-Americans (speaking as an Italian-American). I can assure you we aren't all the spawn of racists with mob ties.
I know, I know, that only happens if you're both Italian-American and from Jersey.
Just kidding--all NJ Italian-Americans look like this
Wow, I won't mince words: What a racist piece of shit you are. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Sorry--I was making a joke.
Jokes can be really offensive, just keep that in mind. It's your audience that determines if it is tasteful. I'm sorry I accused you of being a bigot.
EPT
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